animus_network | eighth scripture. [ text ]

Begin wherever you wish. However, it might be best to start at the beginning, if you think it will help me understand.

I will, then.

[ Sertoria hoists herself to sit on a workbench and thinks to herself for a few moments. Just how was she going to appropriately describe her thousands of years of history...? ]

Well, my creators were originally making androids so couples who had problems reproducing could have a child of their very own or adopt one. It sounds like a great idea, right?

It was until, well... my program, named CXEV - short for Chorsis Xanthous Ethological Vessel - made my creators crazy because CXEV0000 to CXEV5000 had errors, which caused my sisters to be terminated within minutes of being created. My real name, chaos, is CXEV5001. SPERO is the name of my system and I was given the name I have been going by.

[ She pauses here to let him catch up. ]

[chaos sat beside her as she collected her thoughts, waiting patiently. It was never easy to open yourself up to others, especially when it hurt, but, on occasion, one needed to.]

I see..and I suppose, in their madness, they forgot about their original purpose, due to the length of time, and attempted to turn you and your sisters into weapons.

[ This entire time, Sertoria was staring at her lap. Her hands shook against the bench, as well as her limbs slightly. ]

My sisters never had a chance to live. I was the only experiment to survive and my creators wanted results, so they stopped at nothing to make me in to the perfect weapon.

...Absolutely nothing.

They...tested my pain tolerance via connecting nerve receptors to my processor and sent waves of electricity through my wires, had me kill test subjects through making them suffer, and they did not care if I was suffering inside. If I dared question their motives or rebelled, I would be tortured. Electricity was a favored form of torture of theirs since they knew I could feel it. They only took out the nerve receptors if I agreed to not be bad anymore.

Eventually, I learned that if I did not want to suffer, I would have to do exactly as they asked and they kept me like this for years. I was rewarded, surely, for good behavior via upgrades to my system and to my weaponry, but I could never forget the awful pain they put me through.

[While chaos listened, any trace of a smile he still had fell, and he attempted to put one of his hands on Sertoria's to calm her down, though this subject was more than unsettling.

To have ones free will ignored and stomped upon like that..it was almost unbearably painful.]

That must have been utterly unbearable for you. To have a consciousness and free will utterly ignored and spat upon must have been like a sharp needle was stabbed into your heart countless times. It is a good thing that you managed to meet Joshua then and escape your captors. I imagine, after awhile, you tried to toss away your free will and forget your kind heart.

[ Unlike the last few times that chaos had put his hand on her shoulder, Sertoria almost instinctively jerks away, staring at chaos for a moment or two.

Right. He wasn't her creator. He was a friend. He helped her swim and he was kind. Her shoulders slack and her head hangs with her eyes closing. ]

What consciousness? What free will? And what kind heart? My creators did not believe that I had one, even though my AI was built to take care of that. I had no free will, so they unleashed me upon my planet, Quaeda, to kill men, women, elderly, and even children.

The government tried to capture me, but I killed their men, too. My creators never took the blame and said that I was an experiment that went wrong, but they promised that they would take care of me. I was nothing but a monster and I still believe it.

I continued this for years, which garnered Joshua's attention because I killed a trillion and a half people in the span of a few years. I called him so many names - heretic was my favorite - and threatened him with violence at every turn, but he was kindhearted and managed to pacify me.

[ It feels like all of her old wounds are being opened again. She can feel the pain again, which makes her wrap her arms around herself - a coping mechanism. ]

[Inwardly, chaos sighed at the jump, but not because Sertoria had jumped at the contact. It was because her creators had gotten her to the point where she would jump at touch, due to fright.

chaos listened carefully as Sertoria spoke and, as he saw her try and give herself a makeshift hug, he tried to put a hand on her shoulder. If she jumped again though, he would stop entirely. He didn't want to scare her.]

Though your creators believed you did not have any of those things, you did have them, though the managed to hurt you to the point where they were buried under pain and blood.

You were abused and acted so that you would try to avoid any more electricity, even though it still hurt. You were not a monster, but a scared, hurt person with a gun that was being manipulated.

However..it is good that you met a person like that, if he was able to help you unearth a bit of whom you were before you were hurt countless times.

[ Even if they were on the subject of Joshua, it didn't help the fact that she was feeling all the pain being unearthed once again. It was too much for her and all she could do was wrap her arms around him and just sob.

She couldn't cry with water, but her mouth was making the sounds akin to it. She definitely felt pain as this was a testament for it. ]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm so stupid...

[While chaos wasn't wholly expecting it, he didn't mind being hugged, if it comforted Sertoria, and he wrapped his arms around her back and rubbed it with his right hand, trying to comfort her. She might not have been crying like a human, but she was still crying, in her own way.]

It is alright, Sertoria. It is alright. You are not foolish. It is okay. Cry if you want to.

When I think I'm finally done with that stuff, it always reminds me in ways like this.

[ The android continues to cry, her hands gripping on his shirt tightly. She has years of pain to finally get out and it's long overdue. ]

You...think I'm weak, don't you?

It is because the pain never truly goes away. It is possible to keep going and to shrink it..but some pain shall never leave, for better or worse.

[chaos was a pretty tough person, so he didn't mind the tightened hold on his shirt. Just as long as she was feeling better, it was alright.]

I do not. However, there is no shame in being weak in one area, Sertoria. All person are weak in some way.

[ It takes Sertoria several moments to calm down and when she does, all she can do is rest her forehead on his shoulder. She looks tired now, but at least she's somewhat content. ]

...I feel...numb. Is that an okay emotion, chaos?

[Inwardly, chaos sighed and hoped she was just feeling tired and not emotionally dead. He was trying to not peek into people's heads all the time, but when you heard a comment like that, it did make one worried.]

I believe that, right now, it is, Sertoria. I believe that you are just emotionally exhausted. Am I wrong?

[ Sertoria did appreciate him not backing away from her motions as she felt that they could be rather stifling at times. ]

That sounds accurate. Should I go on explaining my past, then...?

[chaos, on the other hand, didn't think this was stifling and was more than happy to be here if she needed help and comfort.]

If you wish to.

[ Once Sertoria composes herself, she'll straighten her hair and sit back up. Although, she's not really pulling away from the hug she's in. ]

Joshua was the one who saved me, as you well know. I traveled for years with him, aiding, learning, working - whatever it meant to be a human, I would do it. He eventually called me his disciple and bestowed upon me his teachings so I would be able to pass them on to others.

However, my creators tried one last time to break me in after I felt like I could finally be free. They stripped my free will again and forced me to fight against the very humans I swore to Joshua that I would protect.

The match was an endless gladiatorial one and of course, I won, but I did not feel victorious. I managed to flee after it as my creators belittled me right then and there as I was breaking down. I ran as far as my legs would take me before I ran in to Joshua.

[ A pause and a shuddering sigh. ]

I do not remember how much I sobbed against him and said sorry for breaking my promise to him. However, he decided to do something about it by confronting my creators. I am unsure what exactly he did, but he managed to make them leave me alone. He told me that I did not need to fight anymore and that I could live by the name Sertoria Cani.

Edited 2013-08-08 09:23 (UTC)

[chaos would allow Sertoria to straighten up a little bit, but until she herself showed that she wanted to pull out of the hug, he would not let go.]

It is horrible that your creators attempted to break you and strip you of what you loved and your promises when you were so close to being free like that. However..if Joshua called you a disciple and himself a prophet, perhaps he held some power that terrified those who created you and allowed you to have your freedom.

Whether that is the case or not though..what you did was not your fault if your creators stripped you of your free will.

[ For the time being, Sertoria does not feel like pulling away from the hug just yet. She's too tired to, anyway. ]

Perhaps... He always did know how to soothe me even if I did not need it at the time. He would have liked you, chaos, and I think the two of you would be great friends.

[ She seems to smile sadly here and sigh, shaking her head. ]

That is if he did not already end up dying. I thought that he could live like myself for thousands of years, but at the time, I did not understand death. I knew how to kill, surely, but I did not understand the concept of death before then. I asked myself, "Why do people have to die?" I... also did not get to hear what he had told me before his departure from my world, so I am still thinking about it to this day.

[Not that chaos minded. After all, Sertoria had hugged him before to comfort herself.]

It is usually a painful experience when one fully understands death and sees a loved one die in font of them, no matter how peacefully they leave.

[After all, chaos knew that pain well, though he couldn't quite remember the first time someone did die in front of him.]

However..people die because their bodies and souls are tired and it is their time to rest, before going on in a new shell. It is sad that you did not get to hear Joshua's final words..but perhaps he was wishing you to be well and improve your emotions and empathy, though he could not be there to help and protect you.

[ Sertoria was grateful for that in more ways than one. ]

Does the pain ever lessen, chaos, as one goes on with their life or no?

[ She's tired of feeling emotional pain left and right. She knows she doesn't have the strongest emotional defenses imaginable, which that only makes her more susceptible in the long run. ]

...So I see. What I did get to hear of his words to me were, "Sertoria... Please promise me that you'll be happy after I die. Please never lose the light in your eyes or your heart. Please keep smiling. You have never failed me and I will... I will always be watching over you even in death. So... keep on being the woman I-"

[ It felt like, to Sertoria at least, that she was watching her savior die again in her arms by going down this lane. Maybe she could finally cope with it in a healthy way. ]

What do you think he would have said if his time was not up yet?

I believe it will lessen, though it will never quite go away. However, that is a mixed blessing.

[After all, having emotional pain of your own helped you understand the pain of others when you encountered it and wanted to help as best you could.

However, as chaos heard what Sertoria heard of Joshua's dying words, chaos sighed inwardly.]

'So keep on being the woman I love.'. He loved you, Sertoria, though what sort of love, I cannot say for sure.

Is that another way of being human, chaos? To feel pain, but be able to still be strong?

[ It's strange to Sertoria. She feels like she's talking to Joshua here, not chaos. But she knows he's dead and not here in the tower.

It's when chaos tells her that Joshua loved her that she can only stare at him in shock. Could she really have been so blind--? ]

He... really loved me? And I did not know... Damn it.

It is. It may sound odd, but feeling the pain of others and trying to be strong for them and help them is an example of empathy.

However..it is not your fault that you did not see what his true feelings for you were. Such things can be difficult to read, especially for one who is not used to them. Being around you and seeing you smile as likely enough for him.

I...normally am strong for others because I do not want them to be upset or hurt. Perhaps I had learned it before and did not even realize it.

[ Sertoria nods as chaos explains and she chuckles softly to herself. ]

You know, it is funny. I always think I have understood humans and everything about them, but I find myself learning something new every day.

Even if you did not realize it before, thinking about and understanding how others would feel is a sign of empathy.

I think that is is almost impossible to understand everything about humans or people in general. However, that only means that the things you do understand seem wonderful, and the things you do manage to learn help improve your experiences and encounters with other people.

eighth scripture. [ text ]

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