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[vermicompost]

During the past week, when we were thinking differently, I told some people that I have a wife and children.

That isn't true, and I didn't mean to mislead anyone. I've never married, and I have no children. My apologies.

–Kariya Matou

Comments

[vermicompost]

[Kariya's forgiveness is sincere. He's never been one to hold grudges, ordinarily, more the kind of man to blame himself for things that went wrong. It's not that he's not capable of being vengeful, because he is, but there are only two people he can never forgive, two people he would kill if he could, and neither of them is Diarmuid.]

I don't know much about being a hero, but you're still a knight. I don't think that's changed. Or if it has, you can be a knight again. You can make up for it.

[He doesn't understand Diarmuid's code of honor. It's not something he was raised with, and he'd rejected the code he was raised with, so it's foreign to him. He respects it, but he doesn't see why it has to be so absolute. Kariya wishes Diarmuid hadn't lied, but he can see why he did. He had liked believing the lie. Who wouldn't want to believe they had what they wanted most? A family...

He returns Diarmuid's smile, but there's strain in his own smile.]

Thank you. That's all I want. [Maybe he's using Diarmuid, taking advantage of his guilt and his desire to serve. Is he? He isn't sure. But he knows he would use anyone if it meant saving Sakura. He would do anything.] You can act for Sakura's sake, like I do.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid notices the strain in Kariya's smile. He says nothing of it, though, merely accepting it as a sign that the other man is having as hard a time with all of this as he is.

And this gives Diarmuid pause. Is it really right of him to assume Kariya will eventually act as his other masters have? He knows he's just a tool to help farther Kariya's cause. He doesn't expect to be more than that, but none of his other masters ever took the time to comfort him. None of them lowered themselves to his level and actually said that the mistakes were okay--said he has the chance to make up for them.

This is much more than just a simple "I forgive you."]

I'm sorry. You have just given me another chance and I already doubt you. I truly wonder if it is actually possible for me to be a knight again...

[Diarmuid takes a deep breath and reaches out to lay a hand on Kariya's shoulder.]

Are you content with just accepting me as a man if I cannot be a knight? I will still work to help you on your goal it's just that...as a man I doubt. I feel emotions that sometimes get in the way of doing what I need to do. I will understand if this isn't okay with you, but I have to know first. This is so important to you that I will not allow my failings to hold you back.

[vermicompost]

You don't have to apologize.

Maybe I don't know much about being a knight either, but people can redeem themselves.

[That's what he's been trying to do, by embarking on this quest for the Holy Grail, for Sakura's sake. And if someone like him can seek redemption, why not Diarmuid? Kariya does think Diarmuid's more of a hero, more of a knight, than he says, but he doesn't want to argue with the man on that point.]

I accept you as you are. I wouldn't expect you to have no feelings. You're a person. [It's true that he's a Servant, with more power than Kariya can ever dream of having, and it's true that Kariya wants the use of that power for his own selfish ends, but he does think of Diarmuid as a person. His dealings with him have been so unlike those he's had with Berserker.] But it is important, more than anything.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid nods and draws in a deep breath.]

This is so strange for me, being something other than a knight. That is everything I have been until now. I suppose those doubts are something I will have to get used to for a while and something that I can't let control me. If I do, I will probably only end up hurting others again.

[He almost says "and hurting myself" but he isn't quite able to yet. It's still hard for him to think himself as important as others are.]

Speaking of others, I'm suppose to tell you that my roommate is also sorry for the lies he told you during the experiment. I don't know if you have talked to him yet or not. He's the other Lancer in the tower. The one with blue hair.

[Diarmuid actually laughs a little.]

I kind of made a bet with him during the experiment and I lost...

[Lost, forfeited. No big difference, right?]

...so I am acting as his servant this week in as much as he is willing to use me that is. He doesn't much want to be a master, but a promise is a promise.

Anyway, he asked me to tell you that since we both lied to you, we should be punished together however you see fit.

[vermicompost]

I've never been a knight, so I can't say I know what that's like. You can still follow your principles and help people. That's what I've tried to do, as well as I can. I doubt myself all the time.

I know that Lancer. He's one of the first people I met here. He's a good friend. I understand why he– and you– lied to me. It's my fault that I believed those lies. I saw only what I wanted to believe. [He can't help blaming himself, in spite of what Diarmuid says.]

What kind of a bet did you make? [Kariya smiles as Diarmuid laughs. It's nice to know that not everything's so dire.] What else is he making you do?

I don't need to punish either of you. As long as you help me find my way back to Sakura. And if you could look out for Rin.

[oathshackledbird]

Perhaps what I am called isn't really that important? As long as I still do what I believe in a name shouldn't matter. Thank you, I think I may have been getting too caught up in the specifics of the situation. A name shouldn't keep me from doing what I want to do--trying as had as I can. It hasn't stopped you after all.

Though, I suppose we could argue fault in what happened back and forth for a while and it won't get us anywhere. Maybe it would be best if we just blame the administrators?

[If Kariya won't let him take the blame for lying, Diarmuid is certainly not going to let the other man blame himself.]

The bet....

[His brow furrows. Some details of the experiment are starting to become more fuzzy than he would like.]

I can't remember the details of it right now. Is that normal? That memories get messed up after an experiment? I could remember before. I was teasing my roommate about it...

In any event, my roommate has also asked me to look in on Rin, so I have no problem with that. Aside from checking on you, checking on her was the other thing he asked me to do.

[Diarmuid pauses again, still thinking about the bet. It really bothers him that he can't remember it. Then, suddenly, the memory is there.]

Ah...that's right. I had made a habit of playing fetch with the restaurant, but it had gotten boring. To spice things up, we were going to see who could retrieve their item first with the loser being forced to be the other's servant for the week. I-I actually forfeited. I had another game in mind. One that could only be played with him in control of me.

[He turns away, face coloring in shame.]