animus_network | 011 ❀ Scratch your Name into the fabric of this World before you Go

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011 ❀ Scratch your Name into the fabric of this World before you Go

Memento mori- remember that you will die.

[Chidori's voice is quiet, somber as always, but there's a lack of the usual note of resignation in her voice, a spare bit of determination.]

I don't... make speeches, usually. And I haven't kept up with whatever you've all been saying here, so if someone has said this before...

[Feel free to ignore it, is the implication.]

In any case, the main thing to remember is that we're all going to die. Permanently, I suppose I should say- and it isn't that big a deal, in the grand scheme of things. We're not real, and I think by this point it should be obvious that the 'circumstances' under which we were supposedly brought here are a lie. Convoluted, well-crafted and well-enforced, but a lie nonetheless. I can only presume the dead versions of our worlds are programmed into us when we 'leave' and 'return', but that doesn't matter either. As I said, it doesn't matter that we will die...

But what will matter is what we each do before then.

So regardless of what they put us through, regardless of how we are 'punished'- because that's no more real than anything else, really- we have a year, right? The time I've had here is more than I was supposed to anyway- I've been ready to die for a long time.

So take my advice, and live so you won't have any regrets in the end.

After all, what's the point in holding anything back anymore?

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We will die, but that doesn't mean that we will die by the due date. We're still real, even if our bodies aren't what we thought they were, and while the circumstances as to why and how we were brought here are complex and full of mystery, I don't think what we've found so far is a lie, and nor do I think that our dead universes are a lie either. It would be nice if they weren't..but, at this point, I don't think they are.

But are are right with one thing: what does matter is what we do now, before the year is out. After all, the universes could still be restored, and there might be a chance that we could help out everyone else in our universes. Most of us would still die or have an ending point. But it wouldn't be then.

No, we may die before, actually. And if you believe that, then you may as well believe every other lie we've been told as well. Permit me my roundabout bit of optimism, if you would- after all, I'd prefer it if the real me wasn't dead.

[Her voice drops, shifts into dry derision.]

--ah, but there's optimism then there's... this. Honestly, if that many worlds are dead, I don't think we can bring them back.

[America's voice is very quiet.] We're real. We hav'to be real. And we don't all hav'to die.

[Ah little one, she's sorry in a way, but mostly she's just bothered that they'd put the mind of someone so young through this.]

Why do we have to be?

I'm a country. Um, a colony. [He hesitates, looking for a way to word this.] If I'm not really a country I'm not anything.

I see. Well, let me put it to you this way...

[A pause, and she hesitates, but-]

The you that existed before this place, that you is a colony, that you exists. The you that's here is like... an extra. Just in case, sort of... and you're not the real thing, I'm afraid. But you can always decide to be something else.

No! [His tone rises to something between anger and desperation.] I'm the real thing! I have to be! I can't just be something else!

[If Chidori could frown verbally, she would. But she can't, so instead she very firmly sighs-]

Stop. A tantrum won't get you anywhere.

[Despite the fact that well... you're a kid and that's all you can really do.]

Besides, you shouldn't worry about what you are or aren't anymore. It won't change the kind of person you are. Or colony, I suppose.

[America makes a low whining sound in the back of his throat--a tantrum he's obviously trying to cut off so he can keep talking--and is quiet for a while.]

Um. You're a human, right?

[A complicated question, but one that she doesn't feel like fumbling her way through the complexities of at the moment.]

In a manner of speaking, yes. Why do you ask?

'Cause I think it's different. [There's another little pause.] If you're a human, you can do all sorts of stuff. Like you can be a doctor or teach kids or have kids. And so people wanna do all that stuff and then if they can't be a doctor then maybe they can go do something else. But a country is always a country, so if I can't be a country then I can't be anything.

It's true that we might die before..but since that hasn't happened yet, there's still hope. And the real you isn't dead. Sure, our bodies may be made out of metal, but our souls are still here, and it's not like our original bodies are lost either.

And if Dax was searching for a way to restore the universes, then I'm sure there's at least a chance that they can be restored. Sure, we can fail..but until we actually do so, there's no sense in saying that everything's lost.

You're terribly good at missing the point when it's convenient, aren't you?

[Siiiigh.]

If we believe everything they say, then we may as well just let them do as they please. Unfortunate as things turned out, who knows if he wasn't just throwing out something to keep us from giving up entirely or not.

[And now for the real kicker.]

Besides, I don't care about restoring anything. I already said I was going to die anyway- why bother dragging it out?

That's not always true. No matter what anyone tells you, not all humans have the chance to be what they want. Some of us don't get the chance, some aren't given a choice.

But I should think if you can be a whole country, you could very well be whatever you please, no matter what anyone says.

If I can't be America... There's nothing else I'd want to be.

Nothing? Nothing at all?

If I'm not America I'm not anything. [He thinks he's said something like that before, though.] Sorry, it's real hard to explain and I don't really understand it all the way. You should ask France or England, maybe they'd be able to explain better. I can keep trying, if you want?

..I don't think I am. I'm not in favor of believing everything they said..but you know, Dax never lied. I did see in a few network posts that he said that our universes were destroyed and thought he was lying then..but he wasn't. If he wasn't afraid to tell the truth about that, when it was a very painful truth, why would he lie about something positive? It doesn't make much sense.

..And you should bother because of this: If you die today, you can't laugh with your friends, read wonderful books, or eat a good meal, even if that meal is under illusions. If you survive to see a restored universe, you'll be able to do all those things without illusions.

Memento mori is a true phrase. But it never tells us when we are going to die.

No, it's fine- I'm sure it's very complicated but... I wonder, if you were going to be America anyway, why not just be America now?

I am being America now, 'cause I'm real and I can't be fake. [He's decided to be insistent about that--denying any other option stubbornly.] I saw through the glasses this month so I'm sure. I have to be real.

He never lied, did he? And you're an authority on this how, exactly?

[She actually wants to know, all things considered.]

Why would he lie about something positive? One can only wonder what he thought would happen if those in the tower had something they thought they could work toward, something they could put their efforts into... Something to perhaps keep trying for...

[Mmm, love that sarcasm.]

But I do think you missed the point. Very entirely, actually. I'm planning to enjoy the time I have left as best I can, and I think everyone should do the same- be that by ignoring those in charge or trying to fight them.

[A scoff.]

And no, it doesn't say when- but Ruana did, now didn't she?

If that's what you want.

[Because Chidori really can't bring herself to make a kid miserable.]

...glasses?

There were these special glasses England got that let you see everyone's soul again. But not like before, like they really are! So I got to see all my people inside me.

[The memory alone cheers him up considerably.]

I'm not sure if I'm a supreme authority, but in the network posts when he answered other people's questions, as far as I could see, he never lied to the people that posted there.

But..that's what he was hoping for. He wanted us to keep going, to restore everything and break our chains. It's why he tried to take down Ruana and failed.

[Guess who doesn't handle sarcasm well.]

I didn't miss that point. I'm just saying that I don't agree with the point that we're all going to die in a year anyway. Ruana may have given us a deadline, but that doesn't mean that we can't beat her, even if she's not expecting it. There's still hope.

... Are there people who hold back?

[ A strange concept to her, but then again, Urotsuki is mostly really.. different from others, to put it in a positive light. ]

That's weird. If you only have a little more to live, why would you hold back?

While your belief is not necessarily wrong, I have yet to hear of any decisive evidence to prove it. Unless you know something that the rest of us don't?

There are. They're afraid, usually. Of themselves or what they might do if they stop holding back.

To prove which part, exactly?

Souls, huh? What do souls look like?

[She wonders if it's anything like what she can sense through Medea.]

Just because he didn't lie then, doesn't mean he never lied at all.

[Another long-suffering sigh.]

...you're really stupid, did you know that? I mean it, I'm having a hard time not getting a migraine from reading this. That was my point, girl. Lie to people about something they want to hear and they'll believe it, because it's easier than considering that hope is a lie.

[But really, she didn't think it was that difficult.]

I don't think it's about 'beating' her at this point, though I'm not against trying. Tell me, what will you do if you beat her and it doesn't fix anything?

Nothing they have said has been proven false. Only that which they've given us to assume without comment. Therefore, it is not what they say that we should not trust, but that which they do not.

*A long pause. His voice softens, almost a whisper and wavering with sympathy.*

But if it gives you comfort to think that you aren't you, then hold on to that as long as you need to. I had to do that too, a year ago.

*Because he knows, as he uncovers the truth, that she will be proven wrong.

But if it is he that is proven wrong? ...Well. He can't deal with all his years being a lie. He'd let the end come at the end of this year.

It's why he has to be right. Because memento mori ceased to apply to him three hundred years ago. "You're not really you" does not comfort him. He needs to be himself or he is nothing.*

I wouldn't think he would. I know that it might be a possibility, but right now, he doesn't seem to be the kind of person who would. IT would be rather out of character for him.

And I'm not that foolish! I admit, I may miss points from time to time, but I'm not a fool. And my point was that Dax would not lie, even about things that people wanted to hear. Why would a crusader willing to risk his own life lie in the early stages? Dax was no fool, and even I can see that if he were to do something like that, people wouldn't trust him later on.

And I'm not expecting just the death of Ruana to solve anything. It'll help us move about, and I'm hoping that people won't kill her outright so that we can get a few useful bits and facts out of her if we need them, but if Ruana, Jason, and maybe Riki aren't in control, it'll give us more breathing room and access to places and information we didn't have before. We could turn the illusions off for good and actually find a way to restore the universes. Finish what Dax was working on.

There's that word again- you 'think'. So it's your opinion, and you aren't actually sure.

Just because the kind of person he was at the end wouldn't lie, it doesn't mean the person he was at the beginning wouldn't. Though he was foolish enough to be caught, so I wouldn't put quite so many eggs in the basket with that line of reasoning.

[At the last bit though, she barks out a laugh that's not remotely pleasant.]

'Won't kill her outright'? You're stupider than I thought. That girl, with the power she has- do you really think anything other than complete annihilation will be an option? We could easier pry information from Jason once she's dead than show her any kind of mercy at all.

Either way, trusting them is foolish. The only time they can be taken at face value is when they're threatening us.

[Which is why, while Chidori can sympathize with some things, she finds feeling badly for any of the admins to be... moronic at best.]

Oh, it isn't that I'm not me- I'm very much a copy of the girl I should be. But given everything, including the illusion failure before I... well. 'Real' isn't something I think applies anymore.

I am pretty sure if that's what I think about Dax. Now, I don't know what sort of person he might have been when the Tower was in it's early days or what he was like when people first came here. I only arrived in October when he had already been known for helping out the residents. But, I can say for certain that he wasn't that kind of person when I arrived here.

As for getting caught..if you're talking about his death, have you thought that he was simply outranked when he pulled a very interesting scheme in trying to kill Ruana? Or that he sacrificed himself so that some of the residents might actually rise up in his place? Death spurs people sometimes, even though I hate to admit it. Perhaps he saw it as a good was of getting some people here to act..even though I don't quite like suicidal acts like that.

[..At the last part, Tohko sighed as she typed.]

And perhaps Jason doesn't know everything about this Tower. He's a mechanic, not a worldhopper or a world restorer. I admit, the chance of us being able to do so is very slim, now that Ruana is pissed, but if we do have that chance, I would like to just immobilize her or restrain her so that we could fill in whatever blanks we still have before we kill her. It's foolish to kill a general or a scientist without getting what he knows first.

[such is life, he supposes, for he's never been afraid of such things like death or even pain... how could he be? for his life was only created for one single purpose before it would be taken away again.

at least here he can live a little longer, but he's known death would come for him sooner or later.]

...Mmm... for humans such matters would be a problem, indeed. But if you were never truly meant to live, can you actually die? That is something I ask myself often.

You say you've been ready to die, but do you fear death itself? Afraid of what's next....?

[Never truly meant to live? She supposes that is a bit of a conundrum then.]

I'm not particularly afraid of anything, much less of something I've known was coming.

...however, if you were never meant to live but it would seem you are regardless, I'd suggest enjoying it. Even Death can be an experience if you live the right way.

Anything I can say has already been said.

*The soft tone never lifts. Ashraf had the same mentality in Meridian and there hadn't been a single thing to suggest anything about them had been fake. It makes him sad, seeing someone who would rather live in distrust of their very senses...sense of self included.

But dealing with Ashraf had been enough to tell him he couldn't break anyone of this line of thought. It had no angle to disprove it through debate alone, so all debate did was foster ill will. So it was best he walk away now and let the truth, whatever it was, speak for itself whenever it was brought to light.*

All I will say is that I disagree, and hope that the truth, whatever it may be, is something you can find confidence in.

*And there's the silence of the lack of ambient noise on his end proving he's closed the feed. Chidori is free to leave something in reply, but the chances of him returning to this conversation are slim. This is a battle he's been taught not to pick.*

Edited 2013-07-10 04:00 (UTC)

Hoh....! When did you find out?

[because death is always a lovely topic.]

Isn't that a bit dangerous....someone might just be reckless enough to do whatever they wanted since they knew the end would reach them soon. Is that truly the right way?

I don't get how you can be scared of yourself. After all.. you're you. Everyone's themselves. If you're scared of being yourself, then.. [ .. she pauses, trying to imagine what it would be like. ] .. then it's like you're not even alive at all, right..?

Because they're afraid if they act like the real them, others will be afraid or repulsed. Humans care about the opinions of others far too much.

When I had Medea forced out of me.

[Hey, don't knock it til you try it and all.]

Of course. Risk is what makes life worth living, for most.

Medea...? Just what is that?

[and her next statement catches him off guard, and he looks rather puzzled for a moment before his expression turns sadistic once more.]

....Is that so? I.... can see that, yes yes I get it.... for the witches I know of, they can't die, so they grow so impossibly bored... it's why humans find pleasure in such mundane things, I guess.

.. Nobody's ever been afraid of me here though.. Or repulsed, I guess. [ As far as she knows, either way. She's pretty oblivious. ] And I've just always acted as myself.

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011 ❀ Scratch your Name into the fabric of this World before you Go

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[Text] I do apologize for Tohko's bullheadedness here..><

[voice] it's ok dude, it's in her character

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[Text] That's true..I just keep sighing and laughing at it though. ^^;

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