[video]

[notaquaman]

[The face that pops onto the terminal screen is far, far too close for comfort. It's squeezed tightly into something trying for scorn, but there's an unmistakable edge of panic beneath those thick brows.]

This is hilarious, Barry! Really, you've outdone yourself!

[He backs up now, enough to actually be visible in all his lanky glory on the video feed.]

I'll be the better man here, I'll admit when I have been punk'd--hey! Look at you! You've completely lived up to your reputation as The Invisible Cunt and we're all very proud.

[He points with accusation at the terminal, as if he's giving it five seconds to confess to a crime it's committed before he becomes very, very disappointed and maybe throws a tantrum.]

But hasn't this...uncomfortably well thought out set-up gone on long enough? I thought we were friends!

Comments

[notaquaman]

Back? I've never even been to Germany! [What the fuck was this asshole going on about, "back"? Nathan frowns, an edge of his panic leaving as it makes room to be properly offended at the rather uncalled for greeting.] I may be incompetent, but I'm not about to spend my time in a country full of sick, sausage-loving bastards who would throw me into some sort of torture-fetish ring just because my hair may-or-may-not be vaguely Jewish!

[Some people, after all, would call the curly, unkempt mop on his head a Jew-fro. These people were twats and Nathan wanted nothing to do with them.]

And I tried the whole being-buried-alive thing once, thank you very much, and although it may come as a surprise you I'm not exactly keen on repeating the experience.

[A coffin was hardly a four-star hotel, he'd come to find. Mostly, it was just dull. And then there was the whole bit with not having a place to shit, getting starved and dehydrated, and occasionally suffocating. If nothing else, it had at least proved that he could honestly get a good wank in anywhere, anytime.]

[doctor_dismemberment]

[Oh, he knows how often Nathan can get his rocks off. He never asked for that knowledge, but there it is.

Richtofen has been around long enough to be familiar with the whole "alternate universes" thing, though, so he's aware by this point that this Nathan is a different one than the one he swapped bodies with. (Unless he's just pretending, which is always an option in Richtofen's paranoid mind.) Still, it's a very slight comfort. That means he knows more about Nathan than Nathan knows about him.]

Ja, ja, laugh it up about the sausage, it is not as if I have heard those kinds of remarks five thousand times before! [Richtofen ends, red-faced, on a shout, but he calms himself down in record time. He is the Mood Swing King.]

In any case. You are new here, aren't you? [Considering what he knows about Nathan's life, he doesn't bother asking what his tolerance for otherworldly bullshit is.] I was mistaking you for... well, you know, another you. Would you like the abridged version, or should I allot some time to telling you every mundane detail about this place?

[notaquaman]

[Oh, Nathan laughs--okay, it's more a giggle really--without needing permission. If anything, Richtofen's anger only makes his smile widen. He fully intends to ignore the offers for an explanation in favor of being witty and fully charming, but even Nathan can't completely forget how freaked out he is about the whole waking-up-in-a-strange-tower thing.]

Another me? Fuck off. The world couldn't handle two of me. In fact I couldn't even handle two of me! I'm so beautiful I'd make myself jealous!

[Oh, wait, that's right, he was actually going to be reasonable and find out about what was going on here. Let's give this another shot.]

Go on, then. Let's hear it. And I think I'd like the quick and dirty version, if you'd be so kind. I'm not being funny or anything but I can only listen to people who talk like total twats for so long before I go completely mental.

[And if the short amount of time he'd been there since he'd woken up was any sort of indication, Nathan had a feeling he'd needing all the sanity he had.]

[doctor_dismemberment]

[Richtofen's eye twitches.]

Oh, trust me, I understand how you feel completely...

[He'll just leap right into the explanation, then. The more he gets to talk, the less he has to hear Nathan flap his lips like an idiot. He sighs.]

Right, well, your world has been destroyed, und an awful little boy named Zo who lives in this place can only save one person from every universe. The joyful caveat is that we all wind up here! [His voice peaks on a high note, and he actually smiles for a second. Then, in an instant, both his face and his tone fall flat again.] Yay.

There are infinite versions of everyone in an infinite number of universes, und it just so happens that there was another version of you here before. He und I were involved in a wonderful experiment together, but luckily for new-you, Jason - he is a scientist, though much less magnificent of one than I am - is now dead. How lucky you are.

[He's pretty sad. It would've been nice for the twat to get dissected by Jason at least once.]

[notaquaman]

[This whole explanation takes a whole while to actually sink into Nathan's skull. That mass of hair does a good job and making it difficult for information to faze in. Nonetheless, it does get there. Eventually, after he makes a lot of confused and downright "like fuck I'm going to believe this shit" expressions. Of course, he can't exactly not believe it when he hasn't actually seen any real evidence that this is all just a big hoax.

But then, who wants to just go ahead and believe that they've been kidnapped to some freaky Tower full of aliens and shit? In his denial and his ever-charming attitude, Nathan chooses to continue being a smartass regardless of how much or how little he believes Richtofen.]

So this is like one big, fucked up sci-fi version of Noah's Ark? But with mad scientists?

[Man, Barry would be losing his shit over this.]

[doctor_dismemberment]

Don't be daft! [A vein in Richtofen's forehead throbs.] Noah brought two of each animal onto his ark, not just one. Honestly.

[That is clearly the most important matter that needs to be addressed here. He's not even Christian or Catholic or what the fuck ever, and he knows that. Kids these days.]

[notaquaman]

Alright, calm down!

[Nathan throws up his hands in a mocking gesture of defense. How was he supposed to know that they had bible study in Nazi training camp. Or maybe this guy just had a book club. Whatever. It was weird. But also kind of hilarious.]

Then I'm guessing I can rule out the idea that we're all here to procreate.

[doctor_dismemberment]

[Richtofen rolls his eyes and groans in disgust.]

Of course we aren't. You could not even get someone pregnant here. Did I forget to mention that your body is not particularly organic anymore? [He taps a finger to his chin.] I think I did, actually...

[In hindsight, it's obvious why he's never heard of a pregnancy scare in this place despite the numerous marriages and disgusting relationships. Shooting collar fluid into more collar fluid isn't the best way to make babies.]