animus_network | .004 ♒ chronicAugustus began drowning in self-loathing. [Text]

[...]

[He stays there, kneeling on the bed, fists clenched and looking more like a goddamn demon than anything else at the moment, for quite a while as his brain tries to process what happened and what he just did. And what Eridan just did.]

[Well, at least he's not the only one who fucked up.]

[HAHAHAHA...]

[So after staring glassy-eyed at Eridan for a few seconds more, Equius promptly sinks back down onto the bed and parks his face firmly in his hands.]

...oh my god, eridan. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.

[Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Eridan has one moment of internal panicked flailing, before his face falls into the purest concern.]

Hey, hey.

[He hesitates a moment before reaching out, trying to hold Equius' shoulders.]

Don't be sorry. Please. Eq, Eq, c'mon. It's not your fault, I'm sorry I was an asshole and didn't own up to shit from the start. I'm sorry you had to find out like this. I'm sorry I fucked up. You're not... you didn't fuck up at all, it was my fault. Please.

[Yeah, he. Doesn't like this. Like, at all. And the problem here is that the only person he can punch for this is himself.]

Zahhak, don't make me hug you. I will so fucking hug you if you don't snap out of it. C'mon.

no, i— [The glasses, the horrible stupid glasses, have been discarded off to the side by now; they were kind of restricting his range of motion, at a point where his range of motion is trying to claw his eyes out with only the pads of his hands. Or, at least, that's what it looks like. He's clutching his head harder now, because he really — he really had to snap at Eridan now. Now, of all times. When the bastard was feeling at his absolute worst.]

[He's a horrible person. He's a horrible person. He's a horrible person.]

i'm a horrible person. i'm a horrible person. i'm a horrible person.

Oh, Eq. You know that's bullshit.

[Eridan sounds deeply concerned and more than a little heartbroken about that. This is his fault, he's certain. It's always his fault.]

No, you're not a horrible person. You're so far removed from being a horrible person it's not even funny anymore.

[And yeah, he's inching in to try and wrap his arms around the larger troll, pulling his face towards his shoulder.]

Please don't say that about yourself, Eq.

[Have some awkward attempts at petting. Certainly not papping, though. There's nothing pale about this.]

Hon, don't be like that. You're one of the best people here. The bestest. I'm sorry I made you mad. If anyone's a horrible person here is me. Hon, please...

[Equius looks up shortly after Eridan says the first sentence. Judging from the way he opens his mouth, he doesn't agree with it. Even in this completely wrecked state of mind, he still wants to argue his case — he is a horrible person and there's absolutely nothing anyone can do about it. He just is. He's a horrible person and he can't even keep his goddamn temper in check. What the hell is up with that? His temper? For god's sake, really? The one thing he was always able to shut up, always, inevitably? That would never ruin his life again? Why'd it have to come out now? Why'd it have to come out at all? What the fuck was wrong with him that he was actually deteriorating so much inside this Tower, and if he was — which he was — goddammit — what the hell would he be at the end of it? Completely worthless, instead of just mostly worthless?]

[Fuck, he doesn't want to be worthless. Fuck.]

[He doesn't make a sound or move a muscle when Eridan comes near him, too lost in his thoughts to notice. What little he does register mostly consists of the fact that there's a jadeblood with his arms around him, and maybe he's saying something and maybe he's not, and it just feels really good. Equius still has next to no idea what he's doing, mind; if he did, he probably wouldn't be noticing this at all. Too busy with psychology and denial and all the sick things in the corners of his head. So, for now at least, the logical choice of action is clear.]

[He sinks promptly into it, spine hunched over so much that he can actually rest the bridge of his nose on Eridan's shoulder. And he does. Eridan now officially has one yellowblooded pillbug leaning against him, and a moment later, there's the hands around his back. They're still clutching tightly, of course, but this time it's to the back of Eridan's shirt.]

[Needless to say, he really doesn't give a damn if there are scars back there.]

Edited 2012-09-01 07:33 (UTC)

[Oh, wow. Eridan would be the first one to admit he wasn't exactly the most skillful when it came to social interactions. But even a certified social wallpaper flower like him could tell that shit was not okay with Equius. Like. At all.

When the other troll not only pushed into the hug but actually returned it, Eridan found himself feeling kind of utterly fucking lost. He wasn't really sure how to make it better. He only knew he wanted to make it better, and that it was all his fucking fault. Carefully, half scared of hurting him or making it worse, Eridan ran a hand along Equius' back, attempting to be comforting.]

I'm so sorry, Eq, it's not your fault. Honest.

[Careful to avoid Equius' horns, which were far more impressive and easy-to-gore-oneself-with, Eridan pressed the words against the side of Equius' head.]

I'm so sorry I made you mad, hon.

[As Eridan's hand moves down his spine, Equius presses his head harder into that shoulder, and the body language is clear. "Don't leave me." To say that he was clinging to this boy would be an absolute understatement; if Eridan wanted to get up for anything during this time, he would find himself pretty much incapable, because for all the lack of muscle, there's a lot of mass in a six-foot-tall body, and all of it is being used to keep Eridan Ampora right here.]

[Also, if you listen hard, Eridan, you can hear his pan creaking from out his ears.]

...can't.

[Can't can't can't can't can't. All he's ever tried to do. Everyone present knows that is a completely bullshit response, even him.]

i can't be mad. i can't.

[He sounds very-- no, not even 'close'. He's whining and hollow and if a wail could be translated into a whisper, that would be what it sounds like.]

Edited 2012-09-01 08:12 (UTC)

[The good news is that Eridan is obviously not going anywhere. Seeing that Equius isn't throwing his touch off, he continues, following the curve of his spine over and over again.]

...why not? Everyone's mad at some point, and if someone's given you a reason to be pissed off as fuck is me.

[And then, well. Then he knows what he ought to say and he tries to say it convincingly, but it's still such a lie:]

It's okay if you hate me. It's okay if you're mad at me. I know I am.

because i can't.

[Helpful, as usual. It's unclear whether he means that he 'can't' in the sense that it's not acceptable, or that he has actually managed to delude himself into thinking that he cannot feel anger at all.]

...i-i-it's bad and it's horrible and people get hurt.

[Special emphasis is placed on the last word, in the form of a horrible high-pitched noise that sounds kind of like a sob. The people getting hurt in this case, if you couldn't tell, is Eridan. God, he doesn't want anyone else to get hurt. Why do people have to get hurt?]

i'm sorry. i'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

[Eridan tightened his hold around Equius, letting out a shuddering breath. This hit... uncomfortably close to home for the jadeblood.]

Please don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for.

[He sneaked a hand into Equius' hair, petting him the same way he'd done, last time they'd gone movie watching. Slow, carding the strands with his claws.]

No one got hurt, hon, it's okay.

[No one that matters, he means. Because Eridan knows that Eridan doesn't matter, in the great scale of things. So it's okay.]

you.

[He is happy to accept the hand running through his hair, but... guess what he was talking about, Eridan. Really. Guess.]

[He, uh... sacrifice for the grand scheme of things... it sounds like a perfectly fine idea. But not when it's Eridan. Eridan is important. He's good and powerful and knows what he's doing and all sorts of other things besides, and that's definitely not any idolization sneaking in there. But Eridan's important. And goddammit, yes, maybe he's overreacting, but Equius, this is what happens when you get angry!]

I don't count.

[Eridan's voice is surprisingly firm. There are layers and rationalizations to these feelings, now. He's been forced to acknowledge them and think about them.]

I don't get hurt, not really.

[That is an outright lie and he should probably feel worse than he does, about lying to Equius. Instead he concentrates on his hand in Equius' hair.]

It's not a big deal, I swear.

no...

[HE KNOWS YOUR GAMES ERIDAN except not really. He doesn't know your games at all past a vague understanding. Obviously those thoughts would find no purchase in his head right now, while his understanding of life, the universe, and everything is being compromised.]

yes it is a big deal. i don't want you to get hurt... i don't want anyone to get hurt...

[But he does a damn good job of hiding it.]

Edited (wtf this is what happens when you multitask) 2012-09-01 16:07 (UTC)

Eq, nobody--

[But then he stops, letting out a shuddering breath as he does and tightening his grip on him. He couldn't say that. It wasn't so much a lie as a denial of everything ever, and Equius didn't need that. Eridan took another deep breath, and didn't pull back so much as changed his angle, keeping one arm loosely wrapped around Equius' waist, and using the other to try and hold one of Equius' hands.]

Look, Equius, you're not going to find another troll that agrees with you on that more than me. But the thing is...

[He tries to pull that hand onto his shoulder, where the marks of claws begin.]

The thing is, you didn't do this. I did. You didn't do this, either.

[And then the hand releases Equius' wrist and moves to card his hair again, motioning vaguely to him and the very clear hurt he's going through right now.]

I did that one too. The thing is, sometimes people are stupid fucks, like me, and they get hurt or hurt others anyway, even if they didn't mean to. And we're not machines, hon, or computer programs, or anything like that. When someone hurts you, you get angry. You deserve to be angry. I'm really sorry I upset you, I am, but that doesn't change the fact it's okay if you're angry at me.

[Eridan slowed his hands until they stopped petting and just held Equius in place.]

It's okay if I get hurt for that, I deserve it.

[...No. Okay. Get a grip, Zahhak. Stay calm. Calm. Calm.]

[Slowly and uncertainly, he lifts his head from the comfortable niche in Eridan's shoulder. Eventually, he sits kind of upright, but the jadeblood's guiding hands may still be necessary to keep him up. After a long while of shaking and silence, Equius finally looks up for a glance of the other's face, quite possibly marking the first time they've really looked at one another without any douchebag glasses in the way; he doesn't notice at all, of course, but Eridan is not the only one who gets to mask their face behind obscuring lenses.]

[There's something horrible and heavy in the pit of his stomach, not exactly like anything that's ever weighed it down before. Every single thing Eridan has said for this entire conversation has added to it, making it larger and more confusing than ever, and by this point it's reached critical mass as the rest of his brain disintegrates into a state of repeating the same nonsense over and over — or just shutting down. It's weighed on him this entire time, and he knows, he just knows, that if he ever lets go of Eridan then the weight of it is going to kill him.]

[So, yes, it's with a bit of reluctance that he stops melting into the smaller troll's frame. Only after a while of very serious thought does he trust himself to speak, wringing his hands heavily.]

Anger— it's... never done any good. For anyone. Ever. It only brings trouble... and pain and... I don't want to do that.

[The fact that he didn't add "anymore" to the end of that sentence is a small miracle in and of itself.]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I didn't know that was going to happen. I'm sorry.

Edited 2012-09-02 01:43 (UTC)

[It was an odd feeling he got, meeting Equius eyes like that and watching the taller troll pull himself together. It was the same sort of possessive, protective thing that made it so easy to bully people into leaving the yellowblood alone. Eridan didn't like to think about that, because he could tell it was a can of worms he wouldn't be able to deal with properly.]

Please don't be. You haven't done anything wrong, Eq, I swear.

[Eridan reached a hand to tuck some of Equius hair behind his ear, the gesture affectionate.]

No one got hurt over this, no one is mad at you. It's okay. Alright? And if it isn't, I'll make it okay. I promise.

[Equius' eyes shifted downward, so that he was looking more at Eridan's symbol than his face. It only got worse when he tucked back his hair; the wringing came back with a renewed vigor, and he gulped loudly. His face was unquestionably yellow at this point, and still shaking like Maryam when someone stepped on her skirt.]

...Okay.

[Eridan repeated the petting motion, since at least he knew that helped Equius relax a little.]

Good.

[Eridan took a moment to gather his own thoughts, then sighed.]

I'm sorry, too, you know. ...about everything.

[Oh yay petting!]

[The whole petting issue is ridiculous, he's quite aware, but he's oddly accepting of it. Normally it is Equius himself doing the petting, to Nepeta on days when she's feeling sad. Somehow, it never translated as an exclusively pale gesture, so here it only comes across as... nice.]

You're forgiven.

[Somewhere in there, he manages to smile. It flickers for a moment and dies just as quickly and pathetically as it came, but it's the thought that counts, right?]

[The ease with which Equius blurts out the words makes Eridan's insides twitch unpleasantly. He wants to argue, he really does, mostly because clearly he can't be forgiven, it must be a mistake of some sort. But then Equius just... just had an unfortunate moment. You don't argue with a troll after something like that. You let them simmer down and calm down and then you stop being a bother. On the other hand, he didn't want to argue. He wanted to take that, as it was offered and then forget about this. He didn't want to lose one of the few friends he has here, even though he really doesn't deserve it.

Eridan leaned in a little, tightening his hold on Equius.]

...I don't deserve that. But you don't know how much it means to me that you do.

[If you asked him, on a day where he knew what his feelings were doing (which was technically never, but that was beside the point), whether Eridan really did deserve that forgiveness, he would say yes. Absolutely. After all, here was a troll who'd just watched him break like a stupid, blabbering wiggler, and had actually helped him through it instead of laughing and snapping a photo. It was all a give-and-take type of thing, right? Eridan had seen that and taken it like a champ, there was no way Equius could withhold his acceptance afterwards.]

I do. I really... do. And I will continue to, as well.

[No, maybe he didn't know how much it meant that he did. But after today's events, he had a feeling that there were a lot of things that had to be reconsidered — and at that point, maybe he would come to a conclusion that was somewhat the same.]

[Eridan found himself smiling, lines of exhaustion becoming more pronounced as he did.]

See?

[He let out a soft laugh.]

Ain't no way you're a horrible person, Eq.

[...He couldn't.]

[Just. Looking at that, look at that. He leaned his head on one hand, looking Eridan in the eyes and... yeah, the smile was back. Except it didn't falter that time. It stayed on, like a proper smile ought to. They were both tired and cranky and looked like an absolute mess, but both of them were smiling at the same time, and that was kind of amazing any way you sliced it.]

...Thank you. [He didn't know, exactly, what he was thanking Eridan for. But he certainly felt as if he had to. Probably, this stupid jadeblood had helped him through so much in this goddamn tower that he never really got the opportunity to show his gratitude for; there was no way that a simple "thank you" would cut it, of course, no matter how many times he repeated it. It just seemed kind of weak, up against the however-many-times Eridan had hauled his ass over the problems of the world. But, you know, he had a feeling that Eridan was probably pretty sick of hearing things over and over again by this point.]

[Miracles do happen. Honk HONK!]

's okay.

[Eridan freed a hand to absently rub the back of his neck, feeling himself getting slightly embarrassed.]

You know. It's what friends're for.

...Friends.

[He says this thoughtfully, as if it's never quite occurred to him before. Which, knowing him, it may not have. But after a moment of contemplation he decides that yes, 'friend' seems to be the right word.]

I suppose that is what we are.

[action mee-yoohfuck]

[action and there you go, twisting the knife right in the feelings]

[action this is a shitty tag, I'm sorry]

[action look at my baby, you broke his heart]

[action yeah he does that sometimes]

[action equius zahhak, professional heartbreaker?]

[action equius zahhak, professional dumbass who keeps giras up past their bedtime]

[action fi sees nothing wrong with this]

[action fi can go take her fucking waffleshipping and die in a hole]

[action but will there be waffles there?]

[action no.]

[action I don't like this plan anymore.]

[action ahaha... ha ha... ha.]

[action give me waffles or give me death! I can't waffleship without waffles.]

[action you will get frozen waffles. but that is it.]

[action I'll take them if I get Equius in an apron to deliver them.]

[action w o w could you be any more blatant with that???]

[action excuse you i was thinking something cute and fluffy and you went right in for the sex, huh]

[action how was i supposed to assume that, knowing you?]

[action omg, you're oppressing me by assuming things based solely on my own behavior, how dare you!]

[action i am a shame to my people. also random tense switch, fuck present and all it stands for]

[action but what about... THE FUTURE.]

[action future tense is even worse than present, oh my god]

[action god, check your tense privilege, please]

Re: [action god, check your tense privilege, please]