animus_network | ♟ [text] ♟

That was wrong.

[Diarmuid had known what he had done was wrong, but actually hearing Kariya say it makes him feel like someone has just pulled his heart out of his chest. His fingers curl in on his hands, nails digging into his palms though the little sparks of pain that accompany his skin breaking under the pressure feel like nothing compared to pain in his chest.

He might not be able to remember what exactly brought him to the state he had been in during the experiment, but he does remember enough to know Kariya's quest to get back home had been a big part of it.]

That was wrong.

[His breath hitches as he tries and fails to force another apology from his lips. The words cycle over in his head so loud that he misses a lot of what Kariya is saying even though the other man is standing right in front of him.]

That was wrong.

I know! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

[Diarmuid's not sure if Kariya is finished speaking or not, but the words won't stay in his mouth any longer.]

I knew how wrong it was but I still did it. I just wanted you to be happy. That was all that mattered! Even if it meant cutting out and killing the parts of me that said it was wrong. I just needed you to be happy! I couldn't fail again!

[Suddenly, all the anger and emotion flow out of Diarmuid and he slumps down, curling in on himself as best as he can while still kneeling. When he speaks, his voice is small and broken.]

And I failed anyway. I am no knight. I'm just a failure. You should not ask me to help you. It will do no good.

[Kariya listens to this outpouring with something like wonder. All this, because of him? He doesn't understand... He doesn't inspire this kind of reaction in people. Not even Aoi, his best friend and childhood sweetheart, has ever been inspired to this kind of outpouring by him.

He kneels down beside Diarmuid when he's finished talking. He can understand Diarmuid's despair and frustration. He feels it himself. Sometimes he wants to break down and weep. Sometimes he does. It's strange to be in this position, comforting someone else who feels this way, let alone a Servant. Diarmuid is so much more powerful than Kariya is. So much greater. Diarmuid could kill him without even trying.]

I'm a failure. I've never been anything like a knight. I've failed at everything I've ever tried. [He says this quietly, with a trace of self-pity maybe, but he believes it's true.]

You were a great warrior, and you've been written about. I'm just a man who never had a life for himself. I never had a family. I never had anything I wanted, because I was too weak to reach out for it. Because of what I did and didn't do, people were hurt. It's my fault Sakura is where she is. That's why I'm fighting in the War. I've never succeeded at anything, really, but I want to do this one thing right: make her safe. Help me do that.

[If he'd told Aoi how he felt, if he hadn't left home the way he did, if so many other things had or hadn't happened, his life, and Sakura's, would be different now, or that's what he believes.]

No one's ever done so much to make me happy before. [He can empathize. He would do, is doing, the same thing for Sakura. Cutting out all the parts of himself that will get in the way of his winning. Dying for her.] You did what you could for me, I know. So I forgive you.

You said I could do what I wanted with your life, and that's what I want to do.

[There is it. An order. A direction. Diarmuid reaches out and wraps himself around that order, using it to pull himself up and out of the emotional pit he's fallen into--using it to focus on Kariya's words. Can it be true? Can the man actually be forgiving him for all that he has done?

...

No.

I forgive you. Those are words he has heard before. A lie he has head before.

Is it really happening again so quickly?

He squeezes his eyes shut and forces himself to stop shaking. What right does he have to judge Kariya's actions? He has given his life to the man after all. As a knight, all he can do is wait for his master's will.

It's now Kariya's choice when he decides to take his life.

Diarmuid takes a deep breath and forces himself to look at Kariya. There is a smile on his face, though it lacks the strength to reach his eyes.]

I am truly grateful that you are willing to give me the chance to try again despite my failings, but please, I am no hero. Despite what they wrote about me, I am just a knight who did what he had to. And now, I'm really not even that...

[He pauses a moment to steady his voice. It is shakier than he wants it to be.]

But I will try. I won't give up. I promised to help you find a way home so you can save Sakura and I will see it done. No matter what happens to me, I promise I will see it done.

[The promise of a fallen knight might not mean much, but it is all he has to give right now.]

[Kariya's forgiveness is sincere. He's never been one to hold grudges, ordinarily, more the kind of man to blame himself for things that went wrong. It's not that he's not capable of being vengeful, because he is, but there are only two people he can never forgive, two people he would kill if he could, and neither of them is Diarmuid.]

I don't know much about being a hero, but you're still a knight. I don't think that's changed. Or if it has, you can be a knight again. You can make up for it.

[He doesn't understand Diarmuid's code of honor. It's not something he was raised with, and he'd rejected the code he was raised with, so it's foreign to him. He respects it, but he doesn't see why it has to be so absolute. Kariya wishes Diarmuid hadn't lied, but he can see why he did. He had liked believing the lie. Who wouldn't want to believe they had what they wanted most? A family...

He returns Diarmuid's smile, but there's strain in his own smile.]

Thank you. That's all I want. [Maybe he's using Diarmuid, taking advantage of his guilt and his desire to serve. Is he? He isn't sure. But he knows he would use anyone if it meant saving Sakura. He would do anything.] You can act for Sakura's sake, like I do.

[Diarmuid notices the strain in Kariya's smile. He says nothing of it, though, merely accepting it as a sign that the other man is having as hard a time with all of this as he is.

And this gives Diarmuid pause. Is it really right of him to assume Kariya will eventually act as his other masters have? He knows he's just a tool to help farther Kariya's cause. He doesn't expect to be more than that, but none of his other masters ever took the time to comfort him. None of them lowered themselves to his level and actually said that the mistakes were okay--said he has the chance to make up for them.

This is much more than just a simple "I forgive you."]

I'm sorry. You have just given me another chance and I already doubt you. I truly wonder if it is actually possible for me to be a knight again...

[Diarmuid takes a deep breath and reaches out to lay a hand on Kariya's shoulder.]

Are you content with just accepting me as a man if I cannot be a knight? I will still work to help you on your goal it's just that...as a man I doubt. I feel emotions that sometimes get in the way of doing what I need to do. I will understand if this isn't okay with you, but I have to know first. This is so important to you that I will not allow my failings to hold you back.

You don't have to apologize.

Maybe I don't know much about being a knight either, but people can redeem themselves.

[That's what he's been trying to do, by embarking on this quest for the Holy Grail, for Sakura's sake. And if someone like him can seek redemption, why not Diarmuid? Kariya does think Diarmuid's more of a hero, more of a knight, than he says, but he doesn't want to argue with the man on that point.]

I accept you as you are. I wouldn't expect you to have no feelings. You're a person. [It's true that he's a Servant, with more power than Kariya can ever dream of having, and it's true that Kariya wants the use of that power for his own selfish ends, but he does think of Diarmuid as a person. His dealings with him have been so unlike those he's had with Berserker.] But it is important, more than anything.

[Diarmuid nods and draws in a deep breath.]

This is so strange for me, being something other than a knight. That is everything I have been until now. I suppose those doubts are something I will have to get used to for a while and something that I can't let control me. If I do, I will probably only end up hurting others again.

[He almost says "and hurting myself" but he isn't quite able to yet. It's still hard for him to think himself as important as others are.]

Speaking of others, I'm suppose to tell you that my roommate is also sorry for the lies he told you during the experiment. I don't know if you have talked to him yet or not. He's the other Lancer in the tower. The one with blue hair.

[Diarmuid actually laughs a little.]

I kind of made a bet with him during the experiment and I lost...

[Lost, forfeited. No big difference, right?]

...so I am acting as his servant this week in as much as he is willing to use me that is. He doesn't much want to be a master, but a promise is a promise.

Anyway, he asked me to tell you that since we both lied to you, we should be punished together however you see fit.

I've never been a knight, so I can't say I know what that's like. You can still follow your principles and help people. That's what I've tried to do, as well as I can. I doubt myself all the time.

I know that Lancer. He's one of the first people I met here. He's a good friend. I understand why he– and you– lied to me. It's my fault that I believed those lies. I saw only what I wanted to believe. [He can't help blaming himself, in spite of what Diarmuid says.]

What kind of a bet did you make? [Kariya smiles as Diarmuid laughs. It's nice to know that not everything's so dire.] What else is he making you do?

I don't need to punish either of you. As long as you help me find my way back to Sakura. And if you could look out for Rin.

Perhaps what I am called isn't really that important? As long as I still do what I believe in a name shouldn't matter. Thank you, I think I may have been getting too caught up in the specifics of the situation. A name shouldn't keep me from doing what I want to do--trying as had as I can. It hasn't stopped you after all.

Though, I suppose we could argue fault in what happened back and forth for a while and it won't get us anywhere. Maybe it would be best if we just blame the administrators?

[If Kariya won't let him take the blame for lying, Diarmuid is certainly not going to let the other man blame himself.]

The bet....

[His brow furrows. Some details of the experiment are starting to become more fuzzy than he would like.]

I can't remember the details of it right now. Is that normal? That memories get messed up after an experiment? I could remember before. I was teasing my roommate about it...

In any event, my roommate has also asked me to look in on Rin, so I have no problem with that. Aside from checking on you, checking on her was the other thing he asked me to do.

[Diarmuid pauses again, still thinking about the bet. It really bothers him that he can't remember it. Then, suddenly, the memory is there.]

Ah...that's right. I had made a habit of playing fetch with the restaurant, but it had gotten boring. To spice things up, we were going to see who could retrieve their item first with the loser being forced to be the other's servant for the week. I-I actually forfeited. I had another game in mind. One that could only be played with him in control of me.

[He turns away, face coloring in shame.]

♟ [text] ♟

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