gAmZeE MaKaRa ♑ terminallyCapricious (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hystericull) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
animus_network2013-04-06 02:59 am
hystericull) wrote in animus_network2013-04-06 02:59 am
Entry tags:
015 ♑ [fifteenth honk] [video/text.]
[Gamzee sits in front of the camera. He looks... different. Not just the obvious different that is the huge, stitched up gash across his forehead, either. He's been picking at the sutures there - they're loose and crooked, and the wound has started to reopen a little. All of that prodding and fussing has made the puckered skin around it burn a bright, angry purple - the same color as the bloody gunk seen between the gaps of the stitches.]
[Even though the video is on, he makes no effort to make eye contact, or address the network verbally. Instead, he just looks like he's concentrated on typing, looking down at the keyboard, then back up to the screen, but never moving his eyes up to the camera.]
dId you ever all get your motherfUcKiNg nOtIcE On.
of JUST HOW ALL FUCKIN SILENT THIS WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING PlAcE ReAlLy bE Up aNd At?
SoMeTiMe a BrOtHeR JuSt aLl gOtTa sHuT ThEm lOoKsTuBs and open all up to the noiseless noise his motherfuckin hear ducts.
[He laughs silently, rereading his text. He looks genuinely calm. For a moment. Then, his face falls, and he pecks away at the keyboard a little harder.]
MAYBE YOU ALL WEREN'T NEVER AT FUCKIN HEARING SUCH SHIT WHAT I ALL BE NOW MOST MOTHERFUCKIN BEREFT IN.
maybe you ain't wanna know what i all motherfuckin did.
MAYBE YOU WOULD UP AND BE THINKING I ALL DIDN'T HAVE NO MOTHER FUCKING CHOICE.
maybe i was all motherfuckin crazytown in the nuglug til the boss dude cut me the fuck open.
MAYBE THE MOTHER FUCKING SCREECHING TORE THE NOISE CANALS UP OUT MY MOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
SS
GJGJKK
43
M
FG
[As his text distorted, the video would show his face almost pained, twisted up in an expression of anger as his head jerked to the side. Once. Twice. Three times.]
G-g-ghghh... ughh-- F-F-F-F-Fuck--
no subject
He shrugged slowly. ]
So ... What is your resolution? Let the admins cut your head open and you spend the rest of your days being unhappy? That's your plan?
Trusting the enemy.
Do you honestly think they care about your best interests??
[ The intensity of his stare increased ,and he looked like he was about to lash out again, but the tone of his voice didn't match his expression. ]
Listen ...
[ He inched closer and brought his hands up, gently reaching for Gamzee's cheeks. He keeps the highblood's head leveled, unable to turn his gaze away from Tavros as he spoke. He really wanted his matesprit to hear him loud and clear. ]
My brother, you can't do this alone.
[ As much as Tavros wanted to wait on his ass and hope his partner will come in terms with that reality, he couldn't. Not anymore. He can either do something about it, or watch as things spiral into madness. ]
You come to me, alright? You ask for my help. If you're scared, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with being scared. I'm scared too. We can work this out together.
[ A pause. ]
... Do you believe me when I say that?
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[He was going to try and explain this. He had all the time in the world, now, and the clear headspace to try and sort it out. His first time explaining with clarity - hope it went well.]
Of fuckin' course not. But the hairless one be the only motherfucker what would know all on how to fix what big ass problem I was up to motherfuckin' having myself. Ain't no one as proficient with a motherfuckin' cutty dude like what's I all seen him be.
[Not to mention, he'd been under the knife at Jason's mercy countless times before. Even if the end result was horrific, it still showed an unmistakable understanding of the practice.]
[That was all he was going to say about that unless he was pressed further. What he'd seen in the guts of the Tower... Jason liked experiments. He liked research, he liked learning. He fucked shit up because he wanted to see what happened. If Jason promised Gamzee an operation that he specifically requested... he couldn't say why, but he trusted that the human would carry it out to some degree. Of course, there was always liberties he expected. He wasn't expecting it to be perfect, trusting someone as wild as that man, but he was expecting it to work, and it had.]
[Gamzee didn't resist as his face was held. In fact, it felt wonderful. A touch he didn't know he was needing until it was happening. He could do this alone. He could fix it by himself. He would do it the way he always had - try a million different things, fuck them all up until you find one that works. That way, he wouldn't have to explain it to anyone. Wouldn't have to waste his breath figuring out words to a problem no one else would understand anyway. Not to mention the fact that he could fix it himself.]
I ain't fucking scared.
[His eyes weren't moving from Tavros', and he bit those words out hard enough for him to almost believe them, himself. However, that was the only part of this whole ordeal that he was angry over. In response to the rest of it, his face sat sort of blankly, and he brought his fingers from the hem of his shirt to wind lightly around the crooks of Tavros' elbows.]
I--
[All he wanted to do was make Tavros happy. He just wanted to agree with him and have everything magically fix itself just because he did so.]
[Curious, he shifted his head lower in Tavros' hands, letting his lids fall and his smiling lips mouth words into the bottom of the boy's palms.]
When all did you get so motherfuckin' confident?
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I .... I don't understand why you thought he would be your answer. It was not a wise approach.
[ It didn't make any sense.
Also, the fact Gamzee was denying his own confession and somewhat defending his decision with persuading the surgery is a major downfall. He didn't want ... to have Gamzee agree just for the purpose of making him happy. He didn't want this at all. In fact, it was somewhat insulting in a way. Not taking his advice seriously and just brushing him off for the sake of avoiding any conflict.
Gamzee has every right to reject his advice, and Tavros has every right to get an honest reaction.
To be truthful, he didn't know what to think anymore. He was so tired of taking Gamzee's actions based on his own guesses and poor analysis. So tired of misunderstanding his matesprit all the time. So tired of their lack of communication in general. Tavros reached the point where he wanted everything to be black and white. Clear as the sun. No more guessing, assuming, wondering and ultimately ... misunderstanding the other.
Never in his life he questioned his own sanity. All he ever thinks about is this troll before him, and he's pretty sure it's not supposed to be this way. It was more enervating than pleasuring. Then again, looking at the smile on his matesprit's face is a kind reminder. A reminder of his reasons for wanting to protect him.
It was bittersweet and he smiled at his brother, even when it reflected just how exhausted he truly felt. ]
I'm not feeling so confident, Gamzee. Not right now ...
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[He wasn't upset, just stating the truth. He wasn't sure if he would be upset if he had the choice to, but it didn't really matter anymore. It was his choice, and if he'd made it, he'd obviously thought it was the right course of action. No backpedaling or chastising Tavros wanted to do was going to change his mind about it. Gamzee never lived his life in regret. Things happened as a result of his actions, and if he kept his actions true to the whimsicality he had coursing within him, no outcome would ever be anything to regret. He just had to keep moving forward.]
[Every time they clashed, it was always when Tavros would try to piece together the thought process behind Gamzee's volatile nature. The truth was, no matter how hard Gamzee would try to think things through rationally, "rational" was just not a part of him. If he felt he had to do something, or felt like doing something at all, he would do it. There was nothing to explain, and that's why it was so hard for him to try, every single time he did something Tavros was affected by.]
[Of course, he hadn't figured this much out, yet. And truthfully, he'd forgotten he was trying to figure it out at all, because he was smiling and Tavros was smiling, and that meant everything was okay, right?]
[Gamzee let a breath out through his nose, cautiously kissing each of the palms he'd buried his face into.]
I'm a motherfuckin' tough little clown, brother. Ain't nothin' what's will take the honk outta my horn so fuckin' easy. Sometimes a motherfucker just gotta replace the squeezy-end.
[He traced his hands up Tavros' forearms, stopping to rest when they were on top of the boy's own against his face.]
Somethin' what's only I was to be gettin' up at fuckin' understanding on needed to be motherfuckin' sassed out real quick. So, like, basically that be all fuckin' why I wasn't up and saying nothing. [No, it was because you were freaked out.] I ain't good at thinkin' up words to say shit like what's that is, but... I'll try 'cause you asked on it. But now, we just roll with all this business what's all up and has been already transpiring, my motherfucker.
[His fingers curled around the sides of Tavros' palms, and he leaned forward to press their mouths together.]
Ain't no rest for the motherfuckin' wicked.
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His thumbs brushed against Gamzee's skin gently, eyes barely open as he took in a soft inhale. ]
Please try, my brother. Because ... I am not going to 'roll with it' anymore.
[ There's a limit to everything, and Tavros figured it was time to make a proper statement. Offering assistant, communicating or even trying to be supportive had done so little. He will always, always be there for Gamzee. No doubt. However, there is a red line that shouldn't be crossed, and Tavros decided it's time to put it out in the open, instead of hoping that Gamzee would take the hint. ]
You act on your own, and you make your own choices. Regardless of how upset I am, you will carry on with your own beliefs. I respect that, bro. I really do. However, I have the choice to disagree, and I also have the choice not to accept it.
[ He leans back, still keeping his smile as he looked at his beloved matesprit. He was no longer angry, just honest. ]
I love you, Gamzee. I love you enough to be hurt by your actions. I love you enough to want to fight you to keep you safe. I love you enough to be unhappy when you're unhappy.
I love you enough .... to back away when there is nothing left for me to do.
You don't understand why I'm upset because you don't see what I see. [ He paused, taking a second to kiss Gamzee's forehead, just above his stitches. ] You don't understand my pain because I do everything in my power to stay strong for you. I think of you before I do anything that might affect you. I never want to be the reason to make you unhappy.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm far from it! But, I always try to put your interest before my own.
[ He lowers his head slightly, as if he wanted to add something, but it ended up to be too painful to voice out. He breathes out before he wrapped his arms around the highblood, pulling him closer and embracing him. ]
I just ... can't watch you hurting anymore.
no subject
So...
[Gamzee's eyes lowered, and he squinted a bit as he tried to process everything he'd just been told. It was a lot to take in, and processing wasn't really his strong point, but he'd try.]
What you're fuckin' saying at me be...
[He ran his tongue under the points of his teeth, biting on it out of frustration and stress. He didn't show any outward signs of conflict, however.]
Stop doin' all this shit, or lose you?
[The look on his face was an expression not easily described. He looked somewhat serious, somewhat incredulous, and also kind of like he was going to be sick.]
Really. Without all the fuckin' fluff and tipsy-toes words.
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No, Gamzee.
It sucks to see you hurt, but I said I will back off. I guess, what I'm trying to say, instead of coming after a brother, I will let the brother come to me, whenever he feels comfortable to do so.
So ... You won't be hearing shit from me unless you want to talk. No point on keeping you do things you're not fond of, and no point of putting myself in such stress without being productive, too.
[ He pulls away and shrugs. ]
I'm giving you space.
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[He shrugged, lamenting the loss of contact. He bit at his lips, now. What was he supposed to say!? His expression had eased considerably, and the breath he let out was evidently relieved.]
Uh...
[Talking. Feelings. Not something he did well.]
think... that'd be motherfucking a good thing. For you to maybe like... not try to pick up after my ass.
It ain't a trail no one can be making no sense of, and I ain't much wanting you to try.
[That sounded a little callous.]
But, it ain't 'cause I'm mad or nothing. It's 'cause I love you.
[He didn't make a move to touch him again, but he offered another smile.]
But, I wanna ask you somethin' fuckin' else. If I be talking at you, and you be wanting to help me when I be not so fucking sure on shit...
wanna be doing the same at you. ...Like I all was used to motherfucking be doing. You know?
[He didn't mean just coming to him when Tavros had a problem with something he'd done. The kid was obviously severely stressed out. He'd denied Gamzee attempting to pacify him before, but that was sort of an awkward solicitation from Gamzee's end, admittedly.]
We talk. 'Bout more than just bad stuff. Good stuff, and stupid stuff, and motherfucking...
[He had raised his hands as he was speaking, and he lowered them now.]
Just want you to be okay, brother.
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I'll be okay. Just a little stressed, but ... to be honest .... I don't think it has a lot to do with you. Unfortunately, watching those stitches was enough to set me off, but you're not the main reason.
[ That's right. Just keep it simple and don't over think. Life will be so much easier. ]
Yeah, man. You can come and talk to me anytime. You know I don't have a problem with that. It will be pretty cool ...
[ Come to think of it, he couldn't really remember the last time Gamzee had been the one to get in his business. Recently, it was the other way around. Apparently he was doing it wrong the whole time.
Now that he was no longer running around with raging emotions, Tavros felt it was appropriate to relax a little, using his claws to scratch under his chin as he spoke. ]
I'll just have to trust you and well-- see how it goes. Let a brother do his thing and hope it works out. Ya' know?
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[He grinned a little wider, showing some teeth, now.]
You be snorting about some stuff what got you strung the fuck out what ain't having to do with my ass.
[Raising a hand again, he swiped his fingers against Tavros' cheek.]
But you ain't never telling it in me. You know, hahaha, we can still be fuckin' talking at each other like we used to and...
[Not have it be awkwardly pale.]
Even if we kiss and stuff now.
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[ Finally, they seem to have agreed on something. He's not a 100% supportive of the idea, but if Gamzee wanted to go down that road, he will give it a shot for his sake.
Not wanting to dwell on this subject anymore and mess things up again, Tavros shoved his hands inside his pockets and turned to look around them with a casual smile. ]
I know the library is not your type of place to hang out, so we can just ... get out of here. If you want?
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You got all fuckin' that wicked noise right, motherfucker.
[He grinned, stepping forward and throwing an arm around Tavros' shoulders before leading them both towards the stairs. Maybe he was being too overbearing at the start? Or too distant? Or too... not himself. He knew he didn't feel like himself, but Tavros made him want to try. Now that he was in a place where he didn't have to immediately worry about his impending insanity, he had time to figure things out, and that meant time to make up for all the time he wasn't being not only a good matesprit, but a good best friend.]
I ain't feelin' too much down with all the motherfuckin' nibblies, but you getting your hunger on, brother? Wanna down some tasty motherfuckin' nutrition bars?
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[ He chuckled, and somewhere along their little walk toward the cafeteria, Tavros had curled his arm around Gamzee's waist. Clearing his mind wasn't as challenging as he thought it would be. In some twisted logic, now that he had realized that Gamzee wanted to handle his problems in his own is ... somewhat comforting. He never considered it as a burden, but accepting the fact he had absolutely zero influence in the situation made him feel less awful. I mean- he wants to help, he tried in every possible way, but if there is nothing he can do, he shouldn't stress about it as much, right?
With a content smile and a nod of his head, Tavros decided it was time to stop being so sulky and just ... be the best friend Gamzee truly needs right now.
When they reached the floor, he sighed loudly. Just the sight of those bars made him lose his appetite. ]
You know ... I miss the ice cream.
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[Everything was okay. Maybe now, he could relax a little. Maybe now they could focus on their wicked brohood and not have to deal with anything the tower had to throw at them for a while. Gamzee hummed absently, rocking his shoulders and bobbing his head to that beat he was tapping out on Tavros' shoulder. Fuck, it had been so long since he'd had any sort of inclination to throw down a sick beat or two. He'd almost forgotten how much he'd missed it.]
[Standing in the middle of the cafeteria, he stopped tapping, but his arm remained slung around the other boy's torso. Gamzee lifted his free hand to his mouth in contemplation.]
Don't think they all fuckin' got nutrition bar ice cream.
[His expression turned a little forlorn.]
I had some fucking magic candy, but the pants all fuckin' got their decide on to get up some motherfuckin' holes in they damn pockets.
And it fell out.
[He frowned, wilting a little.]