animus_network | Once the Honeymoon is Over... [Video]

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Once the Honeymoon is Over... [Video]

[The face on the camera is tired, the look in Diarmuid's eyes making it clear that the source of his weariness isn't physical, but mental and emotional as it so often has been since he arrived here.]

Has anyone see my brother? Ah...you probaly know him better as Lancer. I know he is still in the tower because his belongings are here and his name is still on the door, but I cannot find him anywhere and I have looked. Those who know my skills know quickly I can do that.

I am worried because I just remembered something he said to Jason a while back. He said he would volunteer for his next experiement and since this is Jason's month in charge and so many others have gone missing, I fear for what that means for him.

If anyone has seen him in the last few days, will you please let me know?

[Diarmuid pauses a moment, suddenly looking a lot more uneasy.]

Also, I want to apologize to all the people who were affected by my curse about week ago or got caught up in everything that was going on. For those who don't know, I carry a curse that forces the women who see my face to fall in love with me. It has been mostly inactive in this place but for some reason during the end of March and the beginning of April it flared back to life affecting both men and women. Unfortunately, I have never been able to tell when it is active and when it is not so far too many people were affected before I knew what was going on.

I...do not know why this happened. It has gone inactive again and I think by this time all those affected should have had the effects wear off. If not, take the knowledge that your strange feelings are caused by something outside of you and focus on that...

[Suddenly, he turns away from the screen as if someone has tugged on his arm, which they have. When he speaks his voice is quieter and directed at whoever is standing just off camera.]

Tony, just a moment, okay? I will play with you then.

[Diarmuid turns back to the camera, quiet for a moment as if he is collecting his thoughts and then continues where he left off.]

Focusing on the fact that your feelings are not your own will help you overcome the effects sooner. It is not something that worked that well during my first life, but there is a very strong pattern of it working here...

[There is a sudden scuffling behind Diarmuid and he is yanked away from the camera. The scuffling continues as his voice drifts back toward the terminal.]

Tony! Tony wait! I'm not done...

Gah! Does anyone know how to stop an alien abduction?

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(OOC: Diarmuid's responses will come a few hours later when he has given Tony the attention that the little gray alien seems to want so badly.)

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[There is a howling which doesn't make any sense to Diarmuid since they are in a city in the middle of a duel. There are no wolves in a city and there had been no wind. Indeed, the air is strangely silent around them.

Aside from the howling.

Red and black swirls across his vision for a second, and he doesn't understand. What is going on?

He looks to Saber, but the confused shock on her face only leaves him with more questions.

Another swirl of red and black tears across his vision and with it comes an answer.

That howling? It's not howling at all, but words. Angry, pained, hateful words clawing their way out of the throat of a man who sounds like his heart has been ripped from his chest. As the voice continues to rant and rail at those around him, Diarmuid's hand drops to his chest. Then, he mentally laughs a bitter laugh as it seems his voice is no longer his own to do it with.

That's right. He has no heart anymore. Where his heart should be instead rests the cold metal shaft of his own spear.]

I don't want to die! Not yet!

[The ice cold fear that washes over him is a sharp contrast to the raging hot hatred that he can still hear that voice spilling out. Diarmuid wants to tell him to stop. To make that person stop wasting energy on such foolish things and instead focus on finding a way to survive this.]

I don't want to die. I...haven't finished serving yet!

[Red and black swirls across his vision again. The anger, the pain. He is lost in it longer this time. So long he begins to wonder if he will come out again. It's suffocating. It's smothering. It's erasing everything that he is.]

His vision finally returns, but it is hard for him to tell because there is so much blood on the ground. On his face. On his body. Everything is red.]

Please... I don't want to die...

[The swirl of red and black returns this time and as much as Diarmuid struggles, there is nothing he can do this time but drowned in it.]

I don't want....

Edited 2013-04-17 22:24 (UTC)

[Waver jerked backwards from the gentle touch, a visceral reaction of horror to whatever the hell he'd just witnessed.]

...

[He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. The magus was pale, staring at Diarmuid with an expression of shocked disbelief; he'd seen his Servant angry once and only once, but that...that wasn't this. That had been quiet. Controlled rage that presented itself in an intense stare and strained words.]

[This was different. No, this was something Waver could hardly even comprehend Diarmuid capable of.]

I don't...think that was it.

[That faltering voice didn't sound nearly as calm as Waver wanted it to.]

[Diarmuid doesn't open his eyes when Waver jerks away. Instead, his arms warp around himself and he swallows hard to try and push back the sick feeling in his stomach.]

W-what did you see?

[Honestly, he's afraid to ask. Either what he had done was that horrible or Waver is right and what he had seen wasn't the right memory. Neither explanation makes him feel any better especially since for just a moment he had felt Waver's reaction to the memory though their link. The shock... The disbelief...]

Do...you want me to go?

[His voice is strangled and scared.]

I won't blame you...

Don't-...it's fine. I'm sorry, I was just kind of startled.

[He reached over and put a hand lightly on Diarmuid's shoulder, trying to push back the residual agony and rage that pulled at the back of his mind.]

It isn't your fault, so don't act like it is. What about you, what--it wasn't Caster's workshop, was it?

We shouldn't have done this. It was foolish of me to risk you so. I'm sorry...

[When Diarmuid opens his eyes, they show the barely restrained panic he is feeling. As much as he feels that Waver should push him away, he fears it like he's never feared anything before. That's why, even though he feels like he should pull away from Waver's touch, he can't. He just sits there, shaking and forcing himself to answer the other man's question.]

N-no, it wasn't Caster's workshop. It was a fight...an early one I think. You were facing K-Kayneth and his servant. Kayneth's taunting was making you remember how alone you had been all of your life and how much hatred the magic world held for you. But then then your servant stood up for you. And that made you so happy...

[Diarmuid bows his head in shame.]

I was like that once. Able to say those things. To see him and realize how far I've fallen. It hurts to much. Why do you force yourself to be around me? I'm not even worthy of being his shadow...

...you idiot. Come here.

[Waver pulled him closer, arms wrapped securely around his Servant's shoulders.]

I remember that...it was the first time anyone stuck up for me. I was such a screwup when the war started and such a wreck most of the way through it, but he didn't care. I was his Master all the same, no matter how worthless I thought I was. He...you stood beside me. Supported me when I was so terrified I couldn't do anything on my own.

You picked me up from the ground where people like Kayneth had walked all over me. Without you that stupid scared kid would have amounted to nothing, if he survived at all.

Why shouldn't I do the same for you? I told you before. Whether or not you're the exact same Servant means nothing to me. You are who you are, and to me you're the most important person I will ever know. If you've fallen, I'll be there to help you stand. If you think you're broken, I'll help you collect the pieces.

There's nothing I would hesitate to do for you. After the Diarmuid I knew was so unfailingly kind to me, maybe you and I were meant to encounter each other so I could do the same.

[Diarmuid's first instinct is to pull away--to run and hide until he can present a stronger front to Waver. People shouldn't have to worry about him. He's suppose to be the strong one.

But he can't be strong anymore.

And that is why he lets Waver pull him into his arms. The servant rests his head over Waver's heart, listening to the man's heartbeat and using that sound as a focus to eventually stop his own tears.

His friend's words are right. They always are and Diarmuid will not argue them now. He doesn't care if it is fate or chance that brought them together. He is just glad they are together.

And that Waver is a stubborn man who won't take no for an answer.]

I have told you what I saw. Will you please...tell me what you saw?

[Diarmuid is afraid of the answer, but even if he fears it, he just has to know it.]

Just a nightmare, I think.

[He ran a reassuring hand through Diarmuid's hair, voice much calmer now.]

...it's not wrong, you know. Being angry all the time hurts, I know--but after everything you've dealt with, it's not wrong to feel like that. I was just startled because I...didn't understand. I probably still don't understand everything about what you went through, and maybe I never will entirely. But listen to me, right now--I'll never hold it against you if you decide to hate anything about what happened. I'm the last person that should say 'it's wrong to feel hatred.'

Ah...

[Waver doesn't even need to say anything specific about memories he saw now. Only one set would bring up such a discussion about hate and rage.]

It was a nightmare...but it was also real. There is no waking up from that. What he did to me will always be there.

[Diarmuid falls quiet for a few moments, just letting the feel of Waver's hand in his hair calm him.]

Is there something I can try to explain? To help you understand?

[And perhaps in the process he might be able to help himself understand too.]

I know, Diarmuid. I won't tell you it's better to forget, but try not to let it overtake you. I'm here...I'll be your Master as long as you want me to, and I would rather die than do anything to hurt you.

[Sighing, Waver leaned his head against Diarmuid's as he tried to put his thoughts together.]

It's just...I only saw you angry once. Before the war started properly I was even afraid you were too nice to last in a fight. So I'm trying to comprehend just how miserable everything must have been for you...and I don't know if I can. I'm not sure I could take it if I did know entirely.

I'm sorry. I truly, wholeheartedly am. You never deserved any of this.

You don't need to apologize. It's not your fault. You aren't the one who took everything I ever was and ground it under his heel.

[Diarmuid falls silent a moment, ordering his own thoughts.]

You would never hurt me. I know that and I appreciate that more than I can ever tell you. You bring me so much comfort I never thought I would have again, but he. He was a completely different story.

Once my life was built around two things: honor and loyalty. It was simple. Every action was directed by deciding if it was honorable and allowed me to remain loyal. My beliefs. My decisions. They all went back to that.

And then he forced me to chose. I could be one or the other with him, but I could not be both. Because my wish was to serve my lord until the end, I chose loyalty over honor.

[His voice begins to shake here and it's obvious that despite his best efforts, he's crying again.]

T-then he wouldn't even accept my loyalty. He never trusted me. He always questioned me. I would never have betrayed him! I would never have t-taken...

Hey...it's alright. [His hold on Diarmuid tightened slightly, for fear he might break completely if not pulled back into reality.]

It's not your fault. He would never have seen reason if it was written in neon colors on a sign that beat him over the head. That failure lies with him and no one else. More to the point, he isn't here. And if he ever shows up, I'll punch him in his smug goddamn face before I let him say so much as one unkind word to you.

Understand this. I'll accept whatever loyalty you decide I should be worth and give the same right back to you. I may question you, but you have every right to do the same in turn. There is no one in this or any world I trust as I trust you. And most importantly: I will always absolve you of any guilt whether real or just imagined.

After everything you've been through...you deserve a Master better than me. Even so, will you settle for Kayneth's replacement in every sense of the word?

You are not his replacement!

[Diarmuid pulls back fast enough that tears fly off his face.]

Stop saying that as if you are worthless. You aren't! You are you and that is all you need to be! You are so kind, smart, clever, patient, and comforting...

[He stops a moment to clear the tears from his face and to calm his voice.]

You are a better man than he could ever hope to be. Than I could ever hope to be! I want you to stop being so hard on yourself!

[Well, Waver did tell him to question him when he wanted to...]

I-...

[Maybe he was being a little too hard on himself. Waver glanced away, fidgeting uncomfortably.]

...I'm sorry. But that's not fair; I could turn all that right back on you.

[Diarmuid reaches out and gently turns Waver's head back to face him.]

It is all right. I am sorry too. You're right...I should listen to my own advice.

[He lets his hand drop from Waver's face and takes a moment to wipe the tears from his eyes. After taking a deep breath, he finally starts speaking again.]

It is so much easier to give the advice than follow it, though. I know...that makes me a terrible person. I should not expect from others what I will not do for myself...

[He pauses something suddenly seeming to click in his head.]

Is that why it is so hard for me to help anyone here? They see me giving them advice, but at the same time, they know I need to do the same thing for myself and am not. If I don't do it, why should they?

Again...I am expecting something different from myself than I expect from others. I have to change this somehow!

You're not a terrible person, Diarmuid. I don't know if that's the reason or not, but it's not always a simple matter to follow one's own advice no matter how good it might be.

Yes...especially since I am so used to seeing myself differently from others. I guess that is what I really need to focus on changing...however I'm suppose to do that.

[Diarmuid sighs, rubbing at his eyes again. He then fixes Waver with a hard look.]

And you need to work on not being so hard on yourself. You are my master and you are my friend. Have faith in yourself. I do.

Deal?

I'll do the best that I can if you do the same.

[Diarmuid smiles at him.]

Deal. Here's hoping we will both be successful.

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Once the Honeymoon is Over... [Video]

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