animus_network

[Diarmuid smiles when his brother doesn't argue, but that smile fades as he walks to join his brother on the bed. As he reaches a certain spot near the end of the bed and slightly to the side, he pales, memories of how he'd died there at Mami's hands only a day or so ago flashing across his eyes.

He swallows hard, pushing the memories away. Diarmuid is focusing so hard on that, that he doesn't notice his hand raising shakily to rub at his throat.

His room has been such a safe place for him over the last few months. It had even offered him sanctuary when his curse had acted up.

It doesn't seem so safe anymore.]

[Lancer sees Diarmuid rubbing at a throat and places a hand on his brother's arm.]

...You're remembering that second death, aren't you? Was it in this room?

[He too starts feeling uneasy. He had seen this place as a safe refuge, yet someone had walked in and killed his brother.]

Yeah...

[His voice is soft and he keeps rubbing at his throat for a moment longer, before letting his hand drop down.]

She killed me right here. I was sleeping. When I woke up, it was already too late. He...changed her so that she was all covered in ribbons. Who knows, maybe she was made out of ribbons I didn't have a lot of time to ask her questions. It happened very quickly.

[Diarmuid shakes his head sadly.]

I tried to see if my spear would dispel them, but it did no good. She pulled me off the bed and the ribbon edges...

...there was no reason to keep fighting then. It would have only hurt her more. She wanted to stop so badly. Just like you. But she couldn't. She was crying...

I just didn't want to see her crying anymore...

[He says nothing and just gives Diarmuid another tight hug. There's nothing he can say, especially since not even an apology would be sufficient.]

[And yet somehow, he can't help but doubt that he and Mami's reasons were different. He had stopped with Kariya and Claudia, but he hadn't let himself stop with Diarmuid.]

[Diarmuid smiles sadly, returning the hug before sitting next to his brother on the bed.]

I need to go talk to her so she knows this isn't her fault and that I'm not mad at her, but I'm just not ready yet....

[He pauses suddenly as a question pops into his mind.]

Brother, how did you know I died like that? It happened very near the end of the experiment...

I...

[He winces, and the tries to smile.]

Would you believe me if I said I was the drone on duty in the lower levels that day?

[Diarmuid's eyes grow wide and he looks like he just might be sick.]

Y-you saw my body....

Yeah, I saw it and others.

[A nervous chuckle.]

Not like it's anything new to me. I've seen worse in my battles. You're the one who actually died.

Yes, but this is different.

[Diarmuid sighs and then fixes his brother with a stern look.]

In battle we did not have to break down our friends' and family members' bodies so that they could be...reused. You don't have to hide it. It is okay to be upset if you want to be.

You too. We both have reason to be upset.

[A sigh.]

But...why don't you go first? You went through more than I did.

I'm not sure what to say. I'm still working through everything. You know I died twice. I am probably lucky it was only twice. So many of the people close to me were changed.

[He hangs his head seeming ashamed.]

Even though I knew it wasn't true, sometimes I felt like I was the only one left who hadn't been changed, and I was only left as I was so that it would cause pain to those I cared about when they were forced to hurt me because I would not hurt them...

Stop.

[He mutters, putting a hand on his brother's head.]

If I can't be blamed for what I did when Jason changed me, you can't be blamed for not being changed. Or for getting hurt by us.

I-I know.

[Diarmuid closes his eyes, letting himself draw strength from his brother's touch.]

It's just hard sometimes. Ever since I was betrayed at the end of the war there has been this little voice inside of me that likes repeating these wrong thoughts to me. I try not to listen, but in times like this it seems so very loud.

Edited (Sorry! I seem to be unable to spell tonight!) 2013-04-22 03:09 (UTC)

You shouldn't have to listen. You did nothing to deserve being betrayed.

[Of course, he doesn't notice the possible hypocrisy of his own words. In his mind, all his self-blame is justified.]

[Diarmuid smiles at him gently and opens his eyes.]

I don't think those kinds of things work that way, but for what it is worth, thank you.

Will you tell me now some of what is on your mind?

Ah...I don't have that much to say. Except that it was a bitch having no control over myself. And...it was pretty horrible, the way I wanted to hurt everyone, even the people I was close to.

[He tries to keep a calm and casual facade as he says this.]

And it sucked not being able to go to yours or Ayaka's side. That's pretty much all there is to it.

Brother, we really need to get you some practice expressing your feelings.

[Diarmuid shakes his head.]

I can guess that much, but surely there is something more? You don't have to be afraid to tell me. I want to listen...to help ease your pain like you help ease mine.

Uh...well...

[He takes a deep breath and prepares himself for the backlash.]

I kind of...died again. More than once.

[And being eaten by worms was not a good death.]

[Diarmuid closes his eyes again and takes a deep breath. As much as it hurts to hear it, he is not all that surprised. If his brother had attacked others, why wouldn't they fight back?]

Others, besides at Sir Lancelot's hand? I am sorry... I wish there was something I could have done to prevent it. I hope they were not too terrible...

[Though, considering some of the people in the tower and how they had been changed, Diarmuid is afraid that not all of those deaths were probably as quick and painless as the one Lancelot gave him was.]

Well...at least it gave me some time off from work.

[It might be a bad joke, but in some way, the silence of death really was more welcome than spending his waking hours with no control of his body.]

[Diarmuid watches him in silence for a few moments before drawing his brother into a tight hug.]

It is wrong that some of the things they do to us here are so horrid that the silence of death is better than being alive...

[He closes his eyes and gives a quick nod. He hates showing any sort of weakness, but having no control of his movements combined with being used for humiliating tasks was pretty nasty.]

[Diarmuid rubs at his brother's back, frustrated at how useless he is. He wants to find a way to ease his brother's pain, but what can he do? Gentle touches and words aren't nearly enough.]

I'm sorry. It should have been me to do that for you, but I couldn't. Even if I hadn't been hurt, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I've done it to others, but they aren't you. You are different.

[Cu Chulainn shakes his head and keeps his eyes closed as he speaks.]

I don't think I could've did it for you either. So it's nothing to feel sorry about.

[Diarmuid sighs and nods. It's a relief that his brother seems to understand, but it doesn't change the fact that he still feels like he failed.]

Is there anything I can do for you? Please, I want...I need to do something.

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