animus_network | ➻ 02 [voice/action on the library]

[It takes a moment for Sam Erstwhile to speak- when he finally does, his voice is quiet and strained, as if he's doing his best not to break down and cry right then and there.]

I....I'm sorry. For what happened back then, with the brainwashing and all. I mean, god, I remember hurting people, and...killing them...

[He grows quiet for a while, before suddenly speaking back up again.]

And I know it wasn't me. I was changed into a...monster. They experimented on me and changed me and now I'm back to myself again. But I still remember it all- the memories just won't go away, you know?

[And a shuddering sigh.]

The whole point of this is, well...first I wanted to apologize.For what I did, even if I wasn't myself... And second of all, I wanted to ask something. When they change us back to our normal selves...they don't leave anything behind, right? Because after doing that, it still feels like I did it with my own hands. Like what I was then and what I am now are still the same, like part of that thing is still inside me and I can never get it out...

[It's been inside him for a long, long, long time, but like he'll ever say that.]

I mean, it's the first time I've gone through this thing, this experimentation, and I've heard other people have went through it multiple times in this Tower...so I want to know. How do you deal with something like that when you return to normal? If you really do return to "normal".

How do you convince yourself that you're still a good person after all of that?

[If you're in the library later on, you'll find him curled up in a corner with his fairy tale books, murmuring quietly to himself:]

I wonder if they saw...? No. It's alright. Yes, yes, I know, I'll get over that...it can't have happened, right?

[And then he just shakes his head and continues reading, frown on his face.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It might be..but if you keep feeling it, you might want to talk to a few of the older residents. Maybe they know something that I don't.

Well, that's good to hear..and I know the memories will never go away.

[After all, she had killed people during Ruana's sick idea of Halloween.]

But if I can keep smiling and helping people, despite everything I've done when I was experimented on, then I think you can too. I think you'll be alright.

Older...? Oh, right, yes, that might be a good idea.

[A pause.]

Yeah...that's what I've tried to do, but I feel like I'm just pretending to be something I'm not.

It feels bad...

Maybe..I suppose that depends upon what you would be if you weren't pretending, if that makes any sense.

[Another pause from his end.]

Well...that's the problem. I don't know. I think I've just lost who I used to be a while ago.

Sometimes I really believe I don't know myself...and it scares me. Like I've gone and become a different person without my knowledge. Do you ever get that feeling?

I don't..but I can understand that feeling.

[After all, she had read about things like this in books.]

If you think you lost the person you were awhile ago, and you want to find them..maybe you should think back to the days where you were that person and try to see the differences between you now and you then.

And what if I know the differences but can't bring myself to well, take them on again?

I mean, it's one thing to remember how you were. It's quite another to actually become them again, after everything that has happened...

It know that it's really difficult, and that you might fail sometimes. But if you try your hardest and succeed in most of the areas, then you should be alright! Even after everything that's happened here..I don't doubt that you'll be able to do it.

[If that isn't the most sickingly sweet thing he's heard in his time here. Seriously, he thinks, where did she get that from, a self-help book??]

T-those are really good words. You put that really nicely...[Not.] Yeah, I just need to keep trying, and everything will be okay. Hopefully...

[Nope. Tohko lifetime of reading lots of books where heroes did that and won. Sure, she knew that sometimes they didn't win, and sometimes the story played out like that..but it was better to hope than sink into despair, even if there wasn't much to hope for.]

Exactly! After all, we just need to keep running on like Melos! If a lot of characters can face things that are almost as terrible as this Tower, then I think we'll be alright too.

➻ 02 [voice/action on the library]

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