animus_network | ➻ 02 [voice/action on the library]

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➻ 02 [voice/action on the library]

[It takes a moment for Sam Erstwhile to speak- when he finally does, his voice is quiet and strained, as if he's doing his best not to break down and cry right then and there.]

I....I'm sorry. For what happened back then, with the brainwashing and all. I mean, god, I remember hurting people, and...killing them...

[He grows quiet for a while, before suddenly speaking back up again.]

And I know it wasn't me. I was changed into a...monster. They experimented on me and changed me and now I'm back to myself again. But I still remember it all- the memories just won't go away, you know?

[And a shuddering sigh.]

The whole point of this is, well...first I wanted to apologize.For what I did, even if I wasn't myself... And second of all, I wanted to ask something. When they change us back to our normal selves...they don't leave anything behind, right? Because after doing that, it still feels like I did it with my own hands. Like what I was then and what I am now are still the same, like part of that thing is still inside me and I can never get it out...

[It's been inside him for a long, long, long time, but like he'll ever say that.]

I mean, it's the first time I've gone through this thing, this experimentation, and I've heard other people have went through it multiple times in this Tower...so I want to know. How do you deal with something like that when you return to normal? If you really do return to "normal".

How do you convince yourself that you're still a good person after all of that?

[If you're in the library later on, you'll find him curled up in a corner with his fairy tale books, murmuring quietly to himself:]

I wonder if they saw...? No. It's alright. Yes, yes, I know, I'll get over that...it can't have happened, right?

[And then he just shakes his head and continues reading, frown on his face.]

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It's alright. After all..it wasn't your fault. The Administrators turned us into their workers..so it's their fault. However..I don't think they leave anything behind after their experiments. At least, I've never felt or heard of anything like that during my stay.

However, if you're not sure that you're still a good person..you just need to remember that they took away your free will here, your ability to make your own choices. Normally, you can. You can choose to be good and not kill people..so, I think, as long as you try to make the right choices and make up for what you did, then everything will be alright.

[He switches to voice because he doesn't know how long he can keep up the ingratiating pitiful look. His voice sounds relieved, though.]

Really? O-okay, good, maybe it's just me and my overactive imagination, heh.

Of course! Of course I won' hurt or kill people anymore, I never wanted to! I just...I'll try my best, but I just think it'll haunt me, I really think it will.

Memories like that won't go away easily, you know.

It might be..but if you keep feeling it, you might want to talk to a few of the older residents. Maybe they know something that I don't.

Well, that's good to hear..and I know the memories will never go away.

[After all, she had killed people during Ruana's sick idea of Halloween.]

But if I can keep smiling and helping people, despite everything I've done when I was experimented on, then I think you can too. I think you'll be alright.

Older...? Oh, right, yes, that might be a good idea.

[A pause.]

Yeah...that's what I've tried to do, but I feel like I'm just pretending to be something I'm not.

It feels bad...

Maybe..I suppose that depends upon what you would be if you weren't pretending, if that makes any sense.

[Another pause from his end.]

Well...that's the problem. I don't know. I think I've just lost who I used to be a while ago.

Sometimes I really believe I don't know myself...and it scares me. Like I've gone and become a different person without my knowledge. Do you ever get that feeling?

I don't..but I can understand that feeling.

[After all, she had read about things like this in books.]

If you think you lost the person you were awhile ago, and you want to find them..maybe you should think back to the days where you were that person and try to see the differences between you now and you then.

And what if I know the differences but can't bring myself to well, take them on again?

I mean, it's one thing to remember how you were. It's quite another to actually become them again, after everything that has happened...

It know that it's really difficult, and that you might fail sometimes. But if you try your hardest and succeed in most of the areas, then you should be alright! Even after everything that's happened here..I don't doubt that you'll be able to do it.

[If that isn't the most sickingly sweet thing he's heard in his time here. Seriously, he thinks, where did she get that from, a self-help book??]

T-those are really good words. You put that really nicely...[Not.] Yeah, I just need to keep trying, and everything will be okay. Hopefully...

[Nope. Tohko lifetime of reading lots of books where heroes did that and won. Sure, she knew that sometimes they didn't win, and sometimes the story played out like that..but it was better to hope than sink into despair, even if there wasn't much to hope for.]

Exactly! After all, we just need to keep running on like Melos! If a lot of characters can face things that are almost as terrible as this Tower, then I think we'll be alright too.

[ Huh, this person.. didn't she talk to him before? She doesn't clearly remember, since she put the events of that time out of her mind for the most part, but she still blinks as if she's thinking about it right now. Maybe she did.. ]

You don't think you're a good person? If someone wants to be a good person.. then I think they can be. Probably.

[Oh, he remembers her as well. Looks like her little plan to go against and destroy the administrators didn't work. Oh well, it was worth a shot.]

[And a sad shake of his head.]

I don't know what to think anymore. Every time I try to do something write...I just end up messing everything up.

But.. isn't it intentions that matter? I mean.. sometimes you have to do bad things so things can turn out good in the end. Don't people talk about that on TV a lot? [ Politicians and all - she's watched a lot of random TV back home with a lack of anything better to do. ] How it's.. um.. a "necessary evil".

[He blinks, as if he hasn't considered that.]

...Actually, no, that can be a possibility.

I mean, the things I did here, I didn't mean to do them. The things in my past...well, yes, they were done to result in something good at the end.

But the problem is...that no one will see that. They'll just judge it as bad and see you as bad and that will be that. You'll be a villain in their eyes no matter what.

I won't judge them as bad.

[ It sounds a little more determined than her usual tone. A little less blank, but still more so than other people. ]

So.. you'll have one person behind you no matter what. Does that count..?

[His eyes widen at that, and he stares, as if unsure how to respond.]

...You-you would do something like that?

But we don't even know each other that well!

.. Does it matter if we do or not..? I think believing people is just a choice you can make no matter what.

[ But then again, Urotsuki's standards are.. slightly different from most people's. ]

I-I-I'm...

[He glances away- is that a blush on his face?]

I'm just worried that believing in a person like me wouldn't do you any good.

Why wouldn't it do me good.. do you think it would hurt me?

[ Someone did say her kindness would come back to hit her someday.. ]

[It's a habit of his to opt for the text on the network, even when he doesn't bother with going anonymous, but this time his choosing of the option is extremely and entirely deliberate.]

i don't know if you can.

i suppose it depends on the individual person, truly.

if you can't bring yourself to believe it, then there's not much you can do outside of trying your best to atone. perhaps it will absolve you of enough guilt that you can carry on afterwards as some semblance of normal.

or perhaps one can simply try to numb themselves to it all.

i don't recommend the latter.

[Another text? He switches to voice again, so that it's easier for him to not have to focus on his facial expressions and put all the emotion into his voice.]

...

That's grim.

I-I mean, I think I'm a good person, but then...sometimes I'm not. No one is perfect, I know, but at the same time, it's like I go up and down when it comes to whether I think I can atone for everything I've done...

But why does numbing not work?

grim? i've heard worse, i guess.

the problem with numbing yourself is that you lose perspective.

makes it easy to forget the reason you were fighting in the first place.

Oh. Right.

[He sounds more determined, somehow.]

...I can definitely say that I won't be forgetting what I'm fighting for anytime soon.

if you're truly worried about it, you're probably already in a better position than you would be otherwise, regarding the subject of atoning.

[And the change in tone doesn't go unnoticed.]

that's good, though. you have an anchor.

hold onto it, whatever it is you end up doing.

but i suspect you don't need me to tell you that.

Yeah...I guess you're right. Me not feeling anything would be even worse, wouldn't it.

[Trouble is, that's...pretty much what it is. He actually doesn't want to change a thing. Not now, not ever. But no, people would disapprove, so he also has to be one of them and lament about how "bad" he really is...]

No, no, you don't need to, but still...it's good to be reminded of it now and again.

...life goes on either way. i think there's merit in not being so absorbed in it to the point of paralysis, though.

[The young man sounds timid enough to be the type who might, but-- that's all he's going to say on the matter.]

i don't really have grounds to be telling other people what to do. but if helps you i'm not going to retract it.

It's as Tohko said earlier. It has no bearing on how good or not you are...good and evil in humanity, and our ability to distinguish them, exist because of free will. It was taken away from you.

[He's silent for a moment, before:]

But how do you know that?

Like...what if it was just working on something that was already there? I mean, I know there's really no "good" or "evil", but what happened during that time...maybe it was all just using the bad things in me and putting them out in the open.

*For a noticeable moment, Enoch looks...pained. This doubt...did Armaros feel it, when he thought of whatever the vileness twisted him into?*

...There is something in my world that does that, called vileness. But someone under its influence is still not, themselves, evil. Not even if everything they do comes from something within themselves. It is the vileness that is evil.

*He's had his own brushes with it, but never true infestation, not yet at least. Just being close to it was enough of a taste...*

So...only the thing that makes someone act like that is evil?

In that case, the Administrators are at fault for what I did? Not me?

If you wouldn't have done them on your own, then yes. Evil thoughts and desires...are certainly unwelcome, but everyone has them at times. You were altered to bring out the worst in you - while you did what you did, and while it may have been part of you, Jason was the one that caused you to do things you would not. Without your free will, you could not make the decision not to do them.

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➻ 02 [voice/action on the library]

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