➻ 02 [voice/action on the library]

[primordial]

[It takes a moment for Sam Erstwhile to speak- when he finally does, his voice is quiet and strained, as if he's doing his best not to break down and cry right then and there.]

I....I'm sorry. For what happened back then, with the brainwashing and all. I mean, god, I remember hurting people, and...killing them...

[He grows quiet for a while, before suddenly speaking back up again.]

And I know it wasn't me. I was changed into a...monster. They experimented on me and changed me and now I'm back to myself again. But I still remember it all- the memories just won't go away, you know?

[And a shuddering sigh.]

The whole point of this is, well...first I wanted to apologize.For what I did, even if I wasn't myself... And second of all, I wanted to ask something. When they change us back to our normal selves...they don't leave anything behind, right? Because after doing that, it still feels like I did it with my own hands. Like what I was then and what I am now are still the same, like part of that thing is still inside me and I can never get it out...

[It's been inside him for a long, long, long time, but like he'll ever say that.]

I mean, it's the first time I've gone through this thing, this experimentation, and I've heard other people have went through it multiple times in this Tower...so I want to know. How do you deal with something like that when you return to normal? If you really do return to "normal".

How do you convince yourself that you're still a good person after all of that?

[If you're in the library later on, you'll find him curled up in a corner with his fairy tale books, murmuring quietly  to himself:]

I wonder if they saw...? No. It's alright. Yes, yes, I know, I'll get over that...it can't have happened, right?

[And then he just shakes his head and continues reading, frown on his face.]

Comments

[chainsawn]

But.. isn't it intentions that matter? I mean.. sometimes you have to do bad things so things can turn out good in the end. Don't people talk about that on TV a lot? [ Politicians and all - she's watched a lot of random TV back home with a lack of anything better to do. ] How it's.. um.. a "necessary evil".

[primordial]

[He blinks, as if he hasn't considered that.]

...Actually, no, that can be a possibility.

I mean, the things I did here, I didn't mean to do them. The things in my past...well, yes, they were done to result in something good at the end.

But the problem is...that no one will see that. They'll just judge it as bad and see you as bad and that will be that. You'll be a villain in their eyes no matter what.

[chainsawn]

I won't judge them as bad.

[ It sounds a little more determined than her usual tone. A little less blank, but still more so than other people. ]

So.. you'll have one person behind you no matter what. Does that count..?

[primordial]

[His eyes widen at that, and he stares, as if unsure how to respond.]

...You-you would do something like that?

But we don't even know each other that well!

[chainsawn]

.. Does it matter if we do or not..? I think believing people is just a choice you can make no matter what.

[ But then again, Urotsuki's standards are.. slightly different from most people's. ]

[primordial]

I-I-I'm...

[He glances away- is that a blush on his face?]

I'm just worried that believing in a person like me wouldn't do you any good.

[chainsawn]

Why wouldn't it do me good.. do you think it would hurt me?

[ Someone did say her kindness would come back to hit her someday.. ]