animus_network | [Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

[Losing Mami, who he viewed as an adopted daughter, last month had been hard, but Diarmuid had worked his way through his grief by focusing on the happy times they had spent together. However, when three more people he is close to are sent home--two of which he cares for like his own children--those happy memories become a source of pain instead of a route passed the grief.

When he appears on the Network, Diarmuid looks more lost and empty than he has in a long time.]

Usually, when I address everyone, I am asking for help on a project that will benefit the whole Tower. Today, I am asking for help on a more personal level.

How does one handle losing a child? Not just one, but several over a short period of time? Nothing I try seems to work, and I am...

[His voice trails off here, shaking and uncertain. A short time later, the feed ends.]

Action:

[After making his post, Diarmuid can be found wandering the Tower almost as if he hopes one of the floors might give him the answers he seeks. There are some specific prompts below, but feel free to find him elsewhere.]

Room 4-16:

[A handmade wooden box sits on the bed next to Diarmuid. Once it held chocolates, now it holds letters. Several written in a childish hand are sitting on the top, but what Diarmuid is looking at is a pair of drawings that are usually set up near his bed on the nightstand.

He's not crying... He's not...]

Floor 48 (The Graveyard):

[Rabbit would probably scold Diarmuid for singing what is suppose to be a funny song in such a sad voice, but it's hard to be happy when he is singing the song alone to the gravestone of the person who was suppose to be singing it with him. He and Yotsuba had promised to get together to sing Rabbit's songs as a way of honoring their friend's memory...

Now that is never going to happen in any way other than this.]

Floor 3 (The Library):

[There is ink smudged on his cheek and his arm, but Diarmuid doesn't notice. On the surface, he's focused on printing more copies of the Tower Guide to put out for those who might want them, but really he's in the Library for a very different reason. Tohko was always here and it's like he feels spending time here will help him find her again--find that cheerful voice who had so often redirected him when he didn't know what to do next. He almost expects to look up and see her there, smiling and ready to offer her help with what he's working on.

Unfortunately, no matter how long he waits, that will not happen.]

Floor 28 (The Music Room):

[Before even his brother, Labrys had been the first family Diarmuid had in this place. Their bond created during the January experiment, afterward they had talked about learning to play an instrument together, but life in the Tower and his indecisiveness had kept them from doing so. Now, as his hands run over the piano he had once heard her picking a tune out on, the sound of his grief blocks any music the instrument might make.

How is it that one who once lived his life with no regrets has so many of them now?]

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[Ryoji was expecting the hug, but even so, the intensity behind it and the words whispered against his shoulder make his heart ache. He immediately wraps both arms around Diarmuid, one hand rubbing his back. It's supposed to be a reassuring gesture, but it feels so worthless. Is he really going to be able to comfort his adoptive father as well as he's been comforted in the past?]

I won't... I won't ever leave you. I don't want to.

[The arms around Ryoji tighten. Diarmuid's trying hard to control himself, but at the moment he can't, so instead he just shuts his eyes and focuses on the fact that Ryoji is there. There is no way of knowing if he will be sent away like the others, but for the moment he is still there.

He can't let himself waste whatever time they have left.

Diarmuid takes a long deep breath and finally sits back, though he doesn't move away from Ryoji completely.]

I'm sorry... It's just...

[He understands how hard this is. Even Ryoji knows he can't completely promise that he won't leave. It's out of his control. If it was, all these people wouldn't have been sent away.

Bur he is here now, and he is determined to stay with Diarmuid whenever he can now. He doesn't want to scare him again like he did not too long ago. It may be strange to him that Diarmuid cares this much, but he'll have to accept it and try not to end up in danger.

He goes back to holding his hand when Diarmuid pulls away, nodding.]

Don't worry, I know. You don't have to apologize for feeling the way you do. There are many others who feel the same.

[Diarmuid shuts his eyes and shakes his head.]

I'm suppose to be the strong one. The one who knows how to handle these things. I'm...perfect, didn't you know?

[There is a little bit of bitterness in his voice there. Kain's words seem to float back to him at the oddest times.]

If I'm so perfect, why haven't I been able to save anyone? If I'm perfect, why haven't I been able to find a way to end this? Why are the people I'm suppose to be protecting still hurting if I'm so perfect?

[Ryoji's eyes widen at the bitter tone in Diarmuid's voice. He'd never once heard his father speak like that, so hostile. Yet he doesn't blame him one bit when he hears what he's saying.]

I don't know who told you that, and who expected that of you, but you don't need to be perfect. Everyone is weak once in a while. Everyone needs to ask for help. Even people that are 'perfect' still can't accomplish things that are impossible. Right now, we have no way to prevent this from happening. Some day soon, we will, but for now, you just have to accept that you can't do it, especially not all on your own.

It's me, Ryoji! Another might have been the one to put it into words, but I am the one who has always expected more of myself!

[The angry words are out before he can stop them, but afterward, Diarmuid takes a moment to try and calm himself.]

I understand what you are saying, but understanding it and making myself believe are two different things. No matter how hard I have tried, I can't keep expecting myself to be able to fix everything and when I can't... When I fail yet again...

[His falls silent here, tears wetting the corners of his eyes.]

[Ryoji pulls away a bit as if slapped, but immediately calms himself down. It's no use getting upset. If he does, then he will just make Diarmuid feel worse.]

Please... don't cry.

I know how you feel. I understand that believing in yourself is a difficult thing to accomplish. I just don't like you suffering for our sake. Everyone here knows that pain is a part of life. I know it's terrible, but there's nothing you can do to stop it.

The only thing you can do is be there for them after it happens.

But they are gone! How can I be there for them if they are gone?

[The question isn't asked in anger, but in desperation. All of the things Ryoji's says, Diarmuid knows. After all, hasn't he told Ryoji very similar things before? This is another one of those cases where he knows he should be listening to his own advice, but he just can't.]

Please tell me. I need to know...

...By thinking of them. Think of them as they're back home, and hope you will see them in the future, when we restore their worlds and everyone else's.

It's not much, but it's all you can do.

[And Ryoji reaches forward to try to pull Diarmuid into a hug again. He doesn't know what else to say now, besides repeating the advice Diarmuid has already given him.]

[Diarmuid doesn't resist the hug since what he really needs right now is a reminder that even if some of his loved ones have been sent away, not all of them have. He's not alone again and everything isn't lost.

He doesn't speak for a while. Instead, he just keeps his head buried against Ryjoi's shoulder. Finally, though, a soft sigh slips from his lips.]

I'm sorry. You're right. Sometimes you just have to hear your own advice from someone else to make it stick.

[Even after Diarmuid speaks, Ryoji doesn't let go. He needs the reminder as much as his father does after all. Loneliness can be suffocating if you don't find someone you care about to soothe that pain.]

I know. Don't apologize. As long as it sticks eventually, I don't mind telling you a few more times... Are you going to be okay?

Don't...ask me that right now.

[Diarmuid's answer is soft, very soft.]

I am not going to be okay for a long time probably. I will continue forward, but...okay is going to be a long way off.

[Ryoji just nods slightly, adopting a sad smile.]

I know. I don't know how long it'll be before I'm okay either. All we can do is keep moving forward for now.

It's easier when we aren't alone, though.

[Diarmuid gives Ryoji a squeeze before finally moving away from him.]

What do you say to watching a movie? Maybe another one of those comedies you showed me?

[He looks at the drawings Yotsuba made for him.]

She really would rather me be happy and smiling than sad.

Yeah... I'm glad you're here with me.

[Ryoji's smile changes to a more genuine one at the suggestion.]

Yeah, I would like that. And I know she'd like that too. I'm sure we can find a good movie to cheer you up.

Hey, the last time you picked a movie it was a good one.

[Diarmuid drops an arm around Ryoji's shoulders and turns toward the floor exit.]

I have every faith you will pick a good one this time too.

I hope that's the case then. As long as we don't run out of good movies in the future!

[He laughs and follows Diarmuid out the door.]

[Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

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