[Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

[oathshackledbird]

[Losing Mami, who he viewed as an adopted daughter, last month had been hard, but Diarmuid had worked his way through his grief by focusing on the happy times they had spent together.  However, when three more people he is close to are sent home--two of which he cares for like his own children--those happy memories become a source of pain instead of a route passed the grief.

When he appears on the Network, Diarmuid looks more lost and empty than he has in a long time.]

Usually, when I address everyone, I am asking for help on a project that will benefit the whole Tower.  Today, I am asking for help on a more personal level.

How does one handle losing a child?  Not just one, but several over a short period of time?  Nothing I try seems to work, and I am...

[His voice trails off here, shaking and uncertain.  A short time later, the feed ends.]

Action:

[After making his post, Diarmuid can be found wandering the Tower almost as if he hopes one of the floors might give him the answers he seeks.  There are some specific prompts below, but feel free to find him elsewhere.]

Room 4-16:

[A handmade wooden box sits on the bed next to Diarmuid.  Once it held chocolates, now it holds letters.  Several written in a childish hand are sitting on the top, but what Diarmuid is looking at is a pair of drawings that are usually set up near his bed on the nightstand.

He's not crying...  He's not...]

Floor 48 (The Graveyard):

[Rabbit would probably scold Diarmuid for singing what is suppose to be a funny song in such a sad voice, but it's hard to be happy when he is singing the song alone to the gravestone of the person who was suppose to be singing it with him.  He and Yotsuba had promised to get together to sing Rabbit's songs as a way of honoring their friend's memory...

Now that is never going to happen in any way other than this.]

Floor 3 (The Library):

[There is ink smudged on his cheek and his arm, but Diarmuid doesn't notice.  On the surface, he's focused on printing more copies of the Tower Guide to put out for those who might want them, but really he's in the Library for a very different reason.  Tohko was always here and it's like he feels spending time here will help him find her again--find that cheerful voice who had so often redirected him when he didn't know what to do next.  He almost expects to look up and see her there, smiling and ready to offer her help with what he's working on.

Unfortunately, no matter how long he waits, that will not happen.]

Floor 28 (The Music Room):

[Before even his brother, Labrys had been the first family Diarmuid had in this place.  Their bond created during the January experiment, afterward they had talked about learning to play an instrument together, but life in the Tower and his indecisiveness had kept them from doing so.  Now, as his hands run over the piano he had once heard her picking a tune out on, the sound of his grief blocks any music the instrument might make.

How is it that one who once lived his life with no regrets has so many of them now?]

Comments

voice

[vermicompost]

[Roughly half of the time, Kariya exists in a kind of willful ignorance, his mind simply blotting out the truths he's incapable of dealing with.

But then, suddenly, like a thunderbolt, something will strike, searing his consciousness and illuminating all the dark places that lie hidden.

Diarmuid's question has that effect.

Sakura. Rin.

Kariya stands staring at the terminal for several minutes before he activates it and his ruined voice sounds, almost too broken for the individual words to be discerned.]

You can't...

You can't ever. There is no way.

[oathshackledbird]

Karyia?

[The voice sounds so shaken and broken that it is hard for Diarmuid to recognize it at first. When he does, a pain tears through him. Karyia's voice sounds uncomfortably like it had back in January. Why? What had happened to him in the last few months? Had losing Rin and Sakura so close together broken him this much even with Lancelot and Claudia there to support him?]

There has to be a way.

[Of course, the desperation in Diarmuid's voice doesn't really make him sound a whole lot better.]

I have to find a way to control the pain. I can't fight like this and I have to keep fighting for them!

4-16

[fionnuisce]

...

[Waver had come straight here after glancing over the network; the question wasn't one he could answer, so he said nothing. And still he said nothing, simply crossed the room and took a seat beside Diarmuid with hardly so much as a sound. Consoling him of all people usually came easily when it was necessary, but this was something Waver couldn't even begin to approach properly.]

4-16

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid doesn't say anything for a while. Having Waver there is comforting, but even that doesn't help him find a way to put what he's feeling into words. If he could do that, maybe he would be able to find a place to start moving forward from, but every time he tries to think about it too hard, his mind just blanks out.

His fingers lightly brush over the picture in his hand, providing the only noise in the room for a long time before he finally speaks in a soft and shaking voice.]

I-I know I can't give up--for them and for us--but...

Floor 28

[floreatnoctem]

[She had intended to find him much sooner than she manages, climbing her way up to the music room with her usual silence. The piano makes her pause, and she closes her eyes and wonders, briefly, if Minato had ever gotten the chance to play it while he was here.

But she distracts herself with thinking of a way to speak up without being too intrusive, but she knows no matter what, she'll be interrupting something.]

There's no real handling it, you know.

[Her voice is it's usual soft pitch, hands clasped behind her back as she finally steps off the stairs and into the room.]

Losing anyone at all in this place- it isn't something you just get over. Not the way people seem to think.

Floor 28

[oathshackledbird]

I know that...

[Diarmuid looks up, only briefly because he doesn't recognize the voice. His expression is tired and searching all at the same time.]

But I have to find a way. I don't want to forget them or anything like that, but I have to find something to help control the pain. I can't keep fighting like this, and I won't accept giving up. They can't fight anymore so I have to fight for them. Somehow...

[He pauses here and shakes his head, trying and failing to smile.]

We...haven't met before, have we? May I ask your name?

floor 48

[puppy_lancer]

There you are.

[Lancer materializes behind Diarmuid, stretching out his arms to give his brother a hug. He had heard Diarmuid's message, but wanted to give any answers in person.]

What song is this, Bro?

floor 48

[oathshackledbird]

[Perhaps it's selfish, but when he hears Cu Chulainn's voice, Diarmuid turns from the stone and almost falls into his brother's arms, head against his shoulder.]

Remember Rabbit? Th-the one who I made the doll of for her?

[He's trying very hard not to break out into tears, though, his voice is shaking.]

The song is one of his. A-after I gave her the doll, she and I decided to get together and honor his memory by singing h-his songs. Now...she's...

video

[marriedthebloke]

It's not...easy...

[Sola-ui gulps nervously. Hearing Diarmuid talk in a sad tone already makes her feel bad. Hearing him talking of lost children just breaks her heart.]

You...try. Find things to distract yourself. Take pleasure in the children of others.

[She turns away to keep him from seeing her tears.]

I...it's just hard.

video

[oathshackledbird]

Sola-Ui...

[This is a strange reversal, isn't it? Once he had comforted her over the loss of a child, now she's trying to do the same.]

Is that what worked for you in the end? What kept you going after Waver left?

[While she tries to hide her tears, Diarmuid can hear them in her voice and it draws his own that much closer to the surface especially when a horrid realization hits him.]

Her birthday...it would have been just a few days ago, wouldn't it?

4-16

[notsogrimreaper]

[Ryoji had only just left the room an hour ago, but one glance at the network and he was straight back here again. So he had found out... Ryoji had already heard about Tohko, and even after this long to deal with it the pain was still there, and now Diarmuid is suffering too.

Upon entering the room, Ryoji makes a beeline for Diarmuid's bed, sitting beside him and gently taking one of his hands, squeezing it even tighter when he notices the drawings.]

4-16

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid has been trying hard not to completely break down, but when Ryoji shows up and squeezes his hand all that effort flies out the window. He turns very quickly and pulls Ryoji into a hug.]

Please...don't leave me too. Please...

[His head is buried hard against the boy's shoulder, muffling his words, but even so his meaning is clear from how hard he's holding onto Ryoji.]

Library

[frilliance]

....You look like you need some rest. I can take over if you so wish. [Yes, he's seen the network post. And, seeing the state that Diarmuid is in now, it does not take a genius to put two and two together.

Edgeworth may not have any children, real or adopted, but he knows how difficult it is lose a family member so suddenly. As ashamed as he is to admit it, he still has not completely recovered from his own father's death, even though he handles it much better than he used to.

Also, he had lost friends in the Tower. Maya, Phoenix - if Zoe's and Ryoji's statements were correct, they could be still alive but Edgeworth does not know if he will see them again. The only thing he can do is keep searching through the truth. He is still doubtful whether or not he will be able to help restore the worlds and save them, but....Waver and Diarmuid were right. Doing nothing would not help either.]

Library

[oathshackledbird]

[The voice is not the one Diarmuid is expecting to hear. That voice would have belonged to Tohko. Of course, he's never going to hear her voice again, is he? He should really stop expecting the impossible.

However, for one who doesn't like to give up, that is really hard to do.

It takes him a moment, and then he looks up at Edgeworth, his face schooled into blankness. Diarmuid knows his roommate is just trying to help, but right now he needs to be doing something.]

I'm fine. I have to keep working. Working means I'm not thinking...

Graveyard

[falseidentity]

[She had seen the broadcast and made sure to take not of the face in case she saw them again. She knows that expression well. It's one she had for awhile there. One she still has at times, really. She didn't expect to ruin into Diarmuid so soon, though.

She's in the graveyard for a similar reason, to visit a little makeshift grave. But that can wait. This man... Obviously needed help. And all she can do is offer condolences as someone who knows how it feels. She is quiet in her approach, and her voice is steady with its own sad undertones.]

...One of the children you mention, I assume...?

Graveyard

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid stops singing and looks up at the woman who has approached him. Unshed tears wet his eyes and it takes a moment for him to focus on her. He tries to smile, but fails completely and in the end just looks back at the grave before speaking.]

Yes, her name was--is--Yotsuba. She's about six years old and was just sent back home. Alone...with all of that...

[His voice drops off as it starts to shake. It's obvious his tears are a lot closer to falling now from how they glint on his eyelashes.]

Video

[clumsyjesus]

Diarmuid......I am so sorry.....

They might be still alive, though! You might see them again.

Video

[oathshackledbird]

They are alive...we know they can't die back on their homes unless R-Ruana....

[Diarmuid's voice shakes wildly for a moment and then drops off. All of the color drains out of his face before his voice comes back. It's very small and soft, though.]

I can't think of that now. I can't think of her eating their souls...

set before Lelouch's return so we have at least one sane knight

[swordofzero]

[room 4-16]

[Suzaku still checks the network every couple of days, and it just happens that he checks today and sees Diarmuid's thread. He makes his way to his room right away, the thread was made a few hours ago and so Suzaku assumed Diarmuid had wandered away by now.

If he wasn't in his room someone hopefully would be who would know where he was. He knocked softly.]

Sanity is a good thing...yes.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid doesn't hear the knock. He's too distant. Too lost to the pain. Every so often, a choked sound slips from his mouth as he tries to hold back his tears.

That soft sound is the only thing that will tip off Suzaku that there is actually someone in the room.]

floor 48

[sicharia]

[Claudia had seen his post, and she had debated replying to it. In the end, though, she decided not to. The subject wasn't one she wanted to discuss through that medium, and she wanted to the time to refine her thoughts, anyway.]

[It's by chance that she comes across Diarmuid while performing her duties as a gravekeeper. Quietly, she approaches, and when she speaks, her voice is gentle and a little cautious.]

Hello, Diarmuid. I hope I'm not interrupting.

floor 48

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid falls silent when Claudia approaches him. When he turns to face her, it's obvious from his distant gaze that he's going to need a moment to refocus on what is going on around him. Once he finally does, he shakes his head.]

No, you aren't interrupting at all. It's been a while, Claudia. Are you well?

[Because it's pretty clear he's not.]

voice;

[crouching_sin]

[Naoya's voice is quiet, and free of amusement - a rare sound. But a question like this... he's asked so many times before. And it's not God that takes people away from here - it's the administrators.]

[Still, he refuses to turn on video - showing his expression right now would just give away his own pain.]

You fight. You fight against what took them away, whether it's a person or a disease. You work to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. You make a promise, in their memory, to live on and fight as well as you can - without taking stupid risks. If they cared about you, then they wouldn't want you to get hurt.

[He doesn't know Diarmuid. He shouldn't care. But he knows the pain all too keenly, and so he'll offer.]

... I've dealt with that feeling more times than anyone would expect, so should you need a listening ear, I can find you.

[oathshackledbird]

I...would not mind talking.

[Diarmuid's grief is broken by surprise. He doesn't know this man and yet his words have hit home on many things that have been on his mind and things he has done in the past.

Take risks he shouldn't because of his emotions? Diarmuid's been there far too often.]

I don't want to stop fighting. They need me to fight for them since they can no longer fight for themselves, but every time I try to think about doing something my mind just...stops. It won't think and so I can't do anything but fall apart.

Do you know how I can stop doing that?

Floor 48

[scentofmakai]

[Zett is a mess of monster blood and guts on his small frame when he passes this floor - he's been fighting quite a bit and hasn't bothered to wash off yet. The song catches his notice, and he stops to listen to Diarmuid singing it.

They'd been exchanging notes recently. Before Yotsuba left. Diarmuid seemed like a good person.]

She would have liked that song, I bet.

[Zett doesn't care about his current state of filth. It's not important.]

Floor 48

[oathshackledbird]

She was suppose to be here singing it with me so we could remember Rabbit. Now...

[Diarmuid's voice drops off in surprise as he turns to face Zett.]

Are you all right? Is that all...monster blood?

floor 28;

[bydefacto]

[Sealand hasn't seen the network post, but he does see the young man at the piano in the music room. The young micronation has spent about half an hour in the room now, fiddling with various instruments with little to no talent, when he sees the man.

He goes over to him, frowning.]

Hey- [He was about to comment on his piano playing, but stops.] Are you okay, Mister...?

floor 28;

[oathshackledbird]

[Hearing the young voice startles Diarmuid since he isn't expecting it. The question makes him look up and he smiles when he sees Sealand, though the smile is sad.]

I lost several people close to me recently. One of them a girl younger than you are. I worry for her and the others...

[He runs his fingers over the piano's keys lightly.]

Do you know how to play any instruments? One of my friends and I were going to learn one together, but she was one of those who was sent away.

Floor 48

[attheclocktower]

[She's got her own job to do here, her own rounds to make. That's why she's here, cleaning graves, dropping shells from floor 62 on a few select ones (especially Yu's). And then she spots Diarmuid, clearly mourning himself. And there's a pang in her heart as she watches, followed by smatterings of guilt.

She'd never been outright hostile, but her conversation with Reno had made her realize she hadn't exactly been fair either.

She gets close, but waits, doesn't interrupt. It's only when he finishes his song that she finally speaks up, looking down at the grave that he's looking at. So many people came and left in the Tower, and Xion was more acutely aware of it than most, given her job and the length of her stay.]

I'm sorry.

[For this, his friend that's left, but also for a lot of other things as well.]

Floor 48

[oathshackledbird]

[It takes Diarmuid a moment to register that someone is there because he is so lost to his grief and the song. Once he does, he turns slightly damp eyes toward Xion. He tries to smile at her, but the smile falls flat.]

Please, don't be sorry. There is no reason to be. It's not you who sends people away from here after all.

[He turns back to the grave, laying a gentle hand on it. Diarmuid doesn't think that the apology might have a deeper meaning. After all, he had understood her reaction to him and had not been upset by it. In addition, his talk with Reno had really helped explain a lot about both her and Shion.]

We all react to pain differently. I am just not used to so much loss all at once especially when I can't control any of it. I am suppose to protect them. How can I do that now?

[voice]

[irreverence]

Hey. Come up to the fiftieth floor.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid's eyes widens at her choice of floor.]

Why floor fifty? Do you know how dangerous that floor is?

[.0001% or so of the time, but still he doesn't feel like getting sacrificed today, Asagi.]

[text] - 1/2

[bashfulshifter]

You do whatever it takes. And you don't stop until you make everything right again.

[text] - 2/2 - filtered to Diarmuid

[bashfulshifter]

...I know Yotsuba's gone...who else?

[ voice ]

[doasisay]

It's not something that you can get over overnight.

I believe the term "time heals all wounds" would apply to this.

[oathshackledbird]

What about when you don't have time to let those wounds heal?

[There is frustration in Diarmuid's voice.]

What do you do then?

voice

[silencetoreason]

[The voice feed starts up, though France doesn't speak for a long moment. It's almost as if the feed has been turned on accidentally, but soon his voice comes, soft and steady.]

It is never easy, is it, my friend? No matter how many times it has happened.

[Having lost millions of citizens, people he considers his children, he knows the feeling well.]

...But I believe that it is possible to grow to accept it. Trust in God to have a plan for all those who are lost. I firmly believe that your children will find their bliss, even if you do not see them again for a long time. [A beat.] And you will see them again. Most definitely.

[oathshackledbird]

No...it isn't. When I first started losing people, I told myself what so many people have told me. We will keep fighting and we will save them. Remember the happy memories. It is what they would want and being angry and sad only wastes energy that could be used elsewhere. However, the more people who I have lost the harder it becomes...

[Diarmuid pauses a moment to try and steady his shaking voice.]

Now I think those things and it doesn't help. I try to be positive and part of me just laughs. How do I start believing those things again? Especially when I know I won't see them again? The children I speak of are from different worlds than my own. They are people who I adopted here. Even if we fix everything--especially if we fix everything--I won't ever see them again.

You say 'grow to accept it.' How? Is time the only way?

voice;

[guardianlight]

[She normally didn't speak on the network; mostly checked it for any of those she knew then went about her business. However, when she heard this entry, she paused.

...

Growing up, she didn't have her father (bastard got himself killed before Serah could remember him well), then their mother (may she rest in peace) when she was around Hope's age...]

... You don't. [As bitter and harsh as her voice may be, there is some sympathy in there somewhere.] You keep fighting and living for them. Any less is an insult to those we survive.

[Serah...]

[oathshackledbird]

I know that!

[Diarmuid doesn't mean for his voice to sound so harsh, but it does. Immediately afterward, though, he softens his words.]

I know... The last thing I want to do is insult their memory. That is why I am so upset that right now. Instead of being able to deal with the pain, whenever I think of them my brain just stops and I can't do anything. How can I fight for them when I can't think straight?

video

[axeforasong]

Don't know. Never lost a child before. [being 13~ and all that]

video

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid can't help but smile slightly when he sees Mayu.]

I hope it is a pain you never have to experience. Young or old, it is terrible.

How are you doing, Mayu? Have you settled into the Tower well?

action;

[nordic_dovahkiin]

[Brunwulf almost stumbled into the young man traipsing through the hallway, as if looking for something. Why was he looking as though he'd lost something? Or perhaps the tower had just got to him. The Nord grunted then stopped.]

Have you lost something?

action;

[oathshackledbird]

[The man's appearance startles Diarmuid and the shock is apparent on his face, temporarily driving away the loss and sadness that had been there before.

How could he have missed such a large man? Is he that distracted? If so, perhaps he shouldn't be out. Distraction is a good way to get killed in the Tower...]

My apologies. I didn't see you. I...have just lost several people close to me. I am afraid my mind is not where it should be right now.

Floor 3 (The Library)

[neverbeamemory]

[Sephiroth hasn't noticed that Tohko isn't around anymore, and even if he did he would find it somewhat of a reprieve. The book girl has only even been one of the more painful annoyances within the Tower to him, she'd even thought to be so bold as to slap at him once - and even the resulting broken arm hadn't taught her a lesson.

The 3rd Floor Library is a necessary stop-off at least once a day on account of network-catch up that Sephiroth finds mostly boring but integral to his existence in the Tower nonetheless - the so-called 'slips' of broad casted video they've been fed may make all of the difference one day.

It's on the way to one of the terminals, that Sephiroth's silver-framed eyes meet Diarmuid at the printing press. What a display of weakness indeed! Of course he'd never take a copy of the Floor guide, having at least looked in on most floors himself during his time here - he's very much of the attitude that only first-hand experience could really prepare someone.

Surely exactly the opposite of the type of person the Lancer would want to be faced with right now.]

Floor 3 (The Library)

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid feels the cold stare before anything else. He hasn't run into the man since the big meeting that set off the collar fluid research and to be honest, not seeing him has been a good thing. While he hasn't acted to make Sephiroth pay for what he did to Yukiko and Ryoji, that doesn't mean the event has slipped his mind. Far from it. However, in the interests of making sure the collar fluid research goes and quickly and smoothly as possible, Diarmuid has taken Waver's 'truce' with Sephiroth seriously. Not having seen the man has just made doing that all that much easier.

He takes a deep breath, wishes for a bit of that unending patience Tohko always showed people, and then looks up to meet Sephiroth's eyes. While his expression is schooled fairly well into blankness, it is obvious that he is tired. More importantly, there is just something...off in his eyes.]

Do you need to use the press?