[Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

[oathshackledbird]

[Losing Mami, who he viewed as an adopted daughter, last month had been hard, but Diarmuid had worked his way through his grief by focusing on the happy times they had spent together.  However, when three more people he is close to are sent home--two of which he cares for like his own children--those happy memories become a source of pain instead of a route passed the grief.

When he appears on the Network, Diarmuid looks more lost and empty than he has in a long time.]

Usually, when I address everyone, I am asking for help on a project that will benefit the whole Tower.  Today, I am asking for help on a more personal level.

How does one handle losing a child?  Not just one, but several over a short period of time?  Nothing I try seems to work, and I am...

[His voice trails off here, shaking and uncertain.  A short time later, the feed ends.]

Action:

[After making his post, Diarmuid can be found wandering the Tower almost as if he hopes one of the floors might give him the answers he seeks.  There are some specific prompts below, but feel free to find him elsewhere.]

Room 4-16:

[A handmade wooden box sits on the bed next to Diarmuid.  Once it held chocolates, now it holds letters.  Several written in a childish hand are sitting on the top, but what Diarmuid is looking at is a pair of drawings that are usually set up near his bed on the nightstand.

He's not crying...  He's not...]

Floor 48 (The Graveyard):

[Rabbit would probably scold Diarmuid for singing what is suppose to be a funny song in such a sad voice, but it's hard to be happy when he is singing the song alone to the gravestone of the person who was suppose to be singing it with him.  He and Yotsuba had promised to get together to sing Rabbit's songs as a way of honoring their friend's memory...

Now that is never going to happen in any way other than this.]

Floor 3 (The Library):

[There is ink smudged on his cheek and his arm, but Diarmuid doesn't notice.  On the surface, he's focused on printing more copies of the Tower Guide to put out for those who might want them, but really he's in the Library for a very different reason.  Tohko was always here and it's like he feels spending time here will help him find her again--find that cheerful voice who had so often redirected him when he didn't know what to do next.  He almost expects to look up and see her there, smiling and ready to offer her help with what he's working on.

Unfortunately, no matter how long he waits, that will not happen.]

Floor 28 (The Music Room):

[Before even his brother, Labrys had been the first family Diarmuid had in this place.  Their bond created during the January experiment, afterward they had talked about learning to play an instrument together, but life in the Tower and his indecisiveness had kept them from doing so.  Now, as his hands run over the piano he had once heard her picking a tune out on, the sound of his grief blocks any music the instrument might make.

How is it that one who once lived his life with no regrets has so many of them now?]

Comments

set before Lelouch's return so we have at least one sane knight

[swordofzero]

[room 4-16]

[Suzaku still checks the network every couple of days, and it just happens that he checks today and sees Diarmuid's thread. He makes his way to his room right away, the thread was made a few hours ago and so Suzaku assumed Diarmuid had wandered away by now.

If he wasn't in his room someone hopefully would be who would know where he was. He knocked softly.]

Sanity is a good thing...yes.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid doesn't hear the knock. He's too distant. Too lost to the pain. Every so often, a choked sound slips from his mouth as he tries to hold back his tears.

That soft sound is the only thing that will tip off Suzaku that there is actually someone in the room.]

Re: Sanity is a good thing...yes.

[swordofzero]

[He can hear someone so he pushes open the door, feeling bad for intruding but worried for Diarmuid and the worry wins.] Diarmuid... [He's at his side in a moment]

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid doesn't look up at Suzaku right away, though he does notice it when his friend sits next to him.]

I...don't like feeling like it's hopeless to keep trying. How do I stop feeling like that?

[swordofzero]

[Suzaku blinked, because he didn't know, he felt like that most of the time.] I... Usually you just shout at me until I stop [Which was true, Suzaku is pretty sure the only reason why he hasn't completely given up is down to Diarmuid, who won't let him]

It's not hopeless though, it's just hard sometimes.

[oathshackledbird]

Do...I shout at you that much?

[Diarmuid looks over at Suzaku for a moment before looking down and laughing self-consciously.]

Maybe you should shout at me now then? It might help...

[swordofzero]

Only when you need to. [He reaches out tentatively to touch Diarmuid's shoulders, with the amount of times Diarmuid uses touch as comfort he can only assume it is something that helps him, even if Suzaku is awkward about it.]

I think you are strong enough to know you cannot give up, without people resorting to shouting at you.

[oathshackledbird]

[Touch does help comfort Diarmuid and that is part of the reason he uses it so much. The way he unconsciously leans into Suzaku's touch should make that clear.]

I know I cannot give up, but at the same time, my mind asks how much more of this I can take. For the first time in my life, I feel hope slipping away from me and it's terrifying...

[swordofzero]

[Even after everything Suzaku knew Diarmuid had gone through; and he was sure there was more he didn't know both of his life and his part in the holy grail war, even after all that Diarmuid was only just beginning to lose hope?

He was a much stronger person than Suzaku, and still the idea of him giving up terrified Suzaku.] You would be surprised at how much you can take, often it is when you think the worst that could possibly happen has come to pass that you realise that there is no choice but to continue and take more. [Perhaps not the most reassuring message] People tend to be stronger than they believe, and you are stronger than most.

[oathshackledbird]

[Surprisingly, Diarmuid's response is to laugh. The sound is sad and has a dark edge to it. It is a frightening reflection of his soul at the moment--a normally bright soul far too close to cracking.]

I would say the worst has happened to me more than once now. If I made it through that without losing hope, I should make it through anything, right?

[He laughs again, the sound just as sad and dark as before.]

And yet...I'm falling apart. I always failed before. Is it time for me to fail now?

[swordofzero]

[Laughter is never good, laughter is everything is broken and you can see no way of fixing it, laughter is for battles lost or for battles won at the price of your soul. Hearing that dark laughter from Diarmuid makes Suzaku frown. His grip becomes harder on his shoulder.] You cannot fail, and you cannot give up. There are many who rely on you, you still have many people to protect.

[oathshackledbird]

Don't you mean I have more people to fail?

[Diarmuid begins to laugh again, but the laughter dissolves into a choked sob, and he raises a shaking hand to his forehead in an effort to steady himself.]

I...don't want to give up, but hope...seems so far away right now...

[swordofzero]

[Suzaku frowned and changed his grip, so he was holding Diarmuid by both shoulders] You won't fail, and if you cannot find hope find something else. Find something else to keep going until hope comes back to you.

[oathshackledbird]

Like what? What is strong enough to start taking hope's place?

[Diarmuid closes his eyes. Despite being unsteady, he is trying to think of an answer to that question. However, he's not having a lot of luck.]

What?

[swordofzero]

[He stares at Diarmuid's closed eyes. He doesn't know, it's a hard question and he is silent for a long time before he speaks, thinking. Hope is something there hasn't been much of in Suzaku's experience.] Wishes. Hope is passive, wishes are active.

[oathshackledbird]

Wishes?

[The word is barely a whisper and Diarmuid is silent for a while before speaking again.]

I have those now. It's what has kept me going so far, but those wishes could so easily be taken from me.

[All it would take would be Waver being sent home. If that happens, everything Diarmuid still hopes and wishes for will be gone.

It's terrifying how easily he can lose everything, and even worse, there is nothing at all he can do about it.]

[swordofzero]

Then you must fight for them... Wishes are things we have to fight for, things we have to work to make happen. [Which was why wishes were different than hope]

[oathshackledbird]

What happens when those are taken away too? Then what do I do?

[Diarmuid's voice is small and scared. He has had everything stripped away from him once before and the idea of it happening again is terrifying.]

I don't want to lose myself again...

[swordofzero]

You fight for them, even if it seems impossible. [Really Suzaku doesn't know, he's getting used to the routine of building things up to have it all ripped away, he's not sure how to break the cycle.]

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid is quiet for several moments before laughing softly. However, this time the laughter doesn't have the broken edge it had before. Now it just sounds sad.]

He...wouldn't want me to give up if that happened. He would want me to start over again, and he would beat me if I didn't...

[A sad smile crosses his face.]

Thank you. I'm sorry for making you throw my own words back at me. When he lost everything, he didn't give up. If it does happen to me, I can't do anything less than he did.

[swordofzero]

[He nods, glad that he seems calmer and less likely to give up everything. He lets go of his shoulders and gives him space.] Everyone has to be reminded sometimes, it is difficult especially here and especially when we lose people.

But we know the danger they are in from Ruana, every person that disappears is one more reason to keep fighting.

[oathshackledbird]

Yes, you're right...

[Diarmuid sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He then looks down, seeming embarrassed.]

I think the next lesson I really need to learn is to listen to my own advice, so I don't have to force others to remind me so much. Lets hope I still have the time to. It won't be easy.

[swordofzero]

It's alright, that's why you have us. So we can remind you. It's never easy though, it's always easier to help others but not yourself.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid nods, reaching out to give Suzaku's shoulder a grateful squeeze.]

It seems we are even now, aren't we? Shall we both try and not have any more breakdowns in the near future?

[swordofzero]

We can try. [He nods and then tentatively reaches out to squeeze Diarmuid's shoulder back]