[Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

[oathshackledbird]

[Losing Mami, who he viewed as an adopted daughter, last month had been hard, but Diarmuid had worked his way through his grief by focusing on the happy times they had spent together.  However, when three more people he is close to are sent home--two of which he cares for like his own children--those happy memories become a source of pain instead of a route passed the grief.

When he appears on the Network, Diarmuid looks more lost and empty than he has in a long time.]

Usually, when I address everyone, I am asking for help on a project that will benefit the whole Tower.  Today, I am asking for help on a more personal level.

How does one handle losing a child?  Not just one, but several over a short period of time?  Nothing I try seems to work, and I am...

[His voice trails off here, shaking and uncertain.  A short time later, the feed ends.]

Action:

[After making his post, Diarmuid can be found wandering the Tower almost as if he hopes one of the floors might give him the answers he seeks.  There are some specific prompts below, but feel free to find him elsewhere.]

Room 4-16:

[A handmade wooden box sits on the bed next to Diarmuid.  Once it held chocolates, now it holds letters.  Several written in a childish hand are sitting on the top, but what Diarmuid is looking at is a pair of drawings that are usually set up near his bed on the nightstand.

He's not crying...  He's not...]

Floor 48 (The Graveyard):

[Rabbit would probably scold Diarmuid for singing what is suppose to be a funny song in such a sad voice, but it's hard to be happy when he is singing the song alone to the gravestone of the person who was suppose to be singing it with him.  He and Yotsuba had promised to get together to sing Rabbit's songs as a way of honoring their friend's memory...

Now that is never going to happen in any way other than this.]

Floor 3 (The Library):

[There is ink smudged on his cheek and his arm, but Diarmuid doesn't notice.  On the surface, he's focused on printing more copies of the Tower Guide to put out for those who might want them, but really he's in the Library for a very different reason.  Tohko was always here and it's like he feels spending time here will help him find her again--find that cheerful voice who had so often redirected him when he didn't know what to do next.  He almost expects to look up and see her there, smiling and ready to offer her help with what he's working on.

Unfortunately, no matter how long he waits, that will not happen.]

Floor 28 (The Music Room):

[Before even his brother, Labrys had been the first family Diarmuid had in this place.  Their bond created during the January experiment, afterward they had talked about learning to play an instrument together, but life in the Tower and his indecisiveness had kept them from doing so.  Now, as his hands run over the piano he had once heard her picking a tune out on, the sound of his grief blocks any music the instrument might make.

How is it that one who once lived his life with no regrets has so many of them now?]

Comments

[puppy_lancer]

Nah, sorry, I don't know any of Rabbit' stuff, but we can definitely sing something from home.

[A long pause.]

Do you...want a song I sung for him once? Or, well, it was Emer's idea, but...we still sung that song.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid smiles slightly and finally pulls away from his brother.]

Sing whatever you think would fit the best. Yotsuba would be happy with any song. She liked it when I sang to her. That kind of thing always made her happy.

[puppy_lancer]

[He opens his mouth and sings. The notes creak out and his voice cracks, like some long-unused instrument. He has almost forgotten the lyrics, though he remembers the melody. At some point, it's like he is no longer the one singing, and instead, it is some other being looking from above or below and singing a song that would match this sad scene. A song that echoes the grieving father and calls to the departed child.]

[...I'll never again feel his flaxen hair, or see his gleaming eyes. My child lies on a distant plain...]

[Probably not the most accurate song, but it's one of the few that he remembers clearly.]

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid doesn't really care if his brother doesn't quite remember all the words or if his voice sounds a little harsher than it might have if he sang more often. The meaning is there. The words are in a language that he doesn't hear enough anymore even though it is a part of his very soul. It speaks of home--of things he will never have again, things he will never see again.

So much like those who have left here. Always in his heart despite the fact they will never be together again.

Even though the last thing he wants to do is disrupt his brother's song, Diarmuid ends up collapsing to his knees, bent forward over them trying desperately to muffle the sobs tearing their way from his chest. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows he should be focusing on fighting the Administrators. However, all he wants to do right now is mourn. For Yotsuba. For Labrys. For Tohko. For Mami. For everyone who has been sent away.

He can't just keep pushing through the pain. He actually has to let it out so the healing can finally start.]

[puppy_lancer]

[He finishes up his song, and then kneels down next to Diarmuid, gently patting his brother's back. He falls silent for a moment, and then whispers the song, again.]

[His eyes are dry, but his gaze is distant as he thinks not only of Diarmuid's losses, but his own. About the people who might never come back.]

[oathshackledbird]

[They have all lost so much and perhaps that is why Diarmuid is crying so hard now. He's mourning not just for their losses here, but also for the losses of the past. So often things have been taken from him up to and including his life on more than one occasion, but he's never had the chance to really deal with that. Death is suppose to be the end, not an entry into another cycle of loss, but for a servant who has lived a lot longer than he was ever suppose to, those things suddenly become things that can't just keep being ignored. That is why he cries them out now. No more just surviving through the pain. He lets it all free, so that he can be free again himself.

It is not until sometime after his brother's repeat of the song that Diarmuid finally stops crying and becomes aware of the arm around him. He straightens up and looks at Cu Chulainn with wet eyes and a tired smile.]

It was beautiful. Thank you.

[puppy_lancer]

No problem, Bro.

[Cu Chulainn reaches up with a hand to wipe away Diarmuid's tears.]

Feeling better?

[oathshackledbird]

I'm...working on it.

[Diarmuid reaches up to finish wiping the tears from his eyes. To be honest, it will probably be a long time before he actually feels 'better.' At the moment, he just kind of feels numb and emotionally exhausted. However, these feelings aren't exactly negative. They feel like they actually could be healing in time.]

That is probably the best I can hope for at the moment. I think I have just been putting aside a lot of pain and not really dealing with it. This...made me deal with it.

[puppy_lancer]

Good for you.

[Lancer grins. He's glad to see Diarmuid finally letting his pain out.]

How about we spar? Just so you can work that last bit of anger out if it's still there?

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid raises an eyebrow at the suggestion.]

You do remember what happened the last time we sparred after losing people.

[He taps at the scar on his cheek.]

Do you really think it's a good idea?

[puppy_lancer]

...Oh.

[He turns away, looking sheepish.]

Well, I'm sorta calm now, so I ain't lashing out any time soon.

[And if Diarmuid lashes out at him, he can take it. After all, it's the least he can do for his brother.]

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid shakes his head and reaches out to ruffle his brother's hair.]

I am not worried about you. I'm worried about me. I don't want to make the same mistake I did before.

[He doesn't think that he will lash out, but lashing out hadn't been the cause of his scar. It had been his lack of attention...

At least, that is his view on things.]

[puppy_lancer]

Alright.

So...uh...what do you want to do now?

[Anything is alright, as long as they're together. This is a Ruana month, so he wants to keep track of his loved ones.]

[oathshackledbird]

[What did he want to do? To be honest, there is part of Diarmuid that still just wants to curl up and cry, but he knows he can't keep giving into that. Not if he wants to move forward like he knows he must.]

How do you feel about braving the kitchen to make cookies again? They will have to be pumpkin because of the current menu, but it shouldn't be too hard to alter the recipe, right?

[puppy_lancer]

[He gives his brother a thumbs up.]

Sounds like a good idea! Hey, maybe having pumpkins will make making cookies easier?

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid laughs.]

I don't know, brother. I guess all we can do is try, right?

[puppy_lancer]

Better than nothing.

[He climbs up and dusts himself off.]

And if you get bored of that, just tell me. I'll stay together with you for anything you wanna do.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid shakes his head, also standing.]

You saw the trouble I got into the last time I tried to do this. Somehow, I don't think I will get bored anytime soon.

[puppy_lancer]

[He grabs Diarmuid's hand, giving it a quick squeeze. As he waits for his brother to start walking, he might be leaning in a little too close.]

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid returns the squeeze and then starts toward the stairs. He stops rather quickly, though, once he notices how close his brother is walking to him.]

Is everything okay?

[puppy_lancer]

...Yeah, everything's okay. I just want to stay close by you.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid puts his arm around his brother's shoulders.]

Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere, okay? I just need a little time and I will be my old self again.

[puppy_lancer]

It's not just that.

[His expression is grim.]

Bro, it's a Ruana month. And it's Halloween.

[oathshackledbird]

Do you think she will be worse this month than the others when she is in charge?

[An uncertain look crosses Diarmuid's face.]

Riki said he would try to get her to take an easy on us after what happened...

[puppy_lancer]

It's a modern holiday that's like a late version of Samhain. And she really likes it. Last time, she was pretty eager to play her game.