animus_network | [Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

[Losing Mami, who he viewed as an adopted daughter, last month had been hard, but Diarmuid had worked his way through his grief by focusing on the happy times they had spent together. However, when three more people he is close to are sent home--two of which he cares for like his own children--those happy memories become a source of pain instead of a route passed the grief.

When he appears on the Network, Diarmuid looks more lost and empty than he has in a long time.]

Usually, when I address everyone, I am asking for help on a project that will benefit the whole Tower. Today, I am asking for help on a more personal level.

How does one handle losing a child? Not just one, but several over a short period of time? Nothing I try seems to work, and I am...

[His voice trails off here, shaking and uncertain. A short time later, the feed ends.]

Action:

[After making his post, Diarmuid can be found wandering the Tower almost as if he hopes one of the floors might give him the answers he seeks. There are some specific prompts below, but feel free to find him elsewhere.]

Room 4-16:

[A handmade wooden box sits on the bed next to Diarmuid. Once it held chocolates, now it holds letters. Several written in a childish hand are sitting on the top, but what Diarmuid is looking at is a pair of drawings that are usually set up near his bed on the nightstand.

He's not crying... He's not...]

Floor 48 (The Graveyard):

[Rabbit would probably scold Diarmuid for singing what is suppose to be a funny song in such a sad voice, but it's hard to be happy when he is singing the song alone to the gravestone of the person who was suppose to be singing it with him. He and Yotsuba had promised to get together to sing Rabbit's songs as a way of honoring their friend's memory...

Now that is never going to happen in any way other than this.]

Floor 3 (The Library):

[There is ink smudged on his cheek and his arm, but Diarmuid doesn't notice. On the surface, he's focused on printing more copies of the Tower Guide to put out for those who might want them, but really he's in the Library for a very different reason. Tohko was always here and it's like he feels spending time here will help him find her again--find that cheerful voice who had so often redirected him when he didn't know what to do next. He almost expects to look up and see her there, smiling and ready to offer her help with what he's working on.

Unfortunately, no matter how long he waits, that will not happen.]

Floor 28 (The Music Room):

[Before even his brother, Labrys had been the first family Diarmuid had in this place. Their bond created during the January experiment, afterward they had talked about learning to play an instrument together, but life in the Tower and his indecisiveness had kept them from doing so. Now, as his hands run over the piano he had once heard her picking a tune out on, the sound of his grief blocks any music the instrument might make.

How is it that one who once lived his life with no regrets has so many of them now?]

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[She's got her own job to do here, her own rounds to make. That's why she's here, cleaning graves, dropping shells from floor 62 on a few select ones (especially Yu's). And then she spots Diarmuid, clearly mourning himself. And there's a pang in her heart as she watches, followed by smatterings of guilt.

She'd never been outright hostile, but her conversation with Reno had made her realize she hadn't exactly been fair either.

She gets close, but waits, doesn't interrupt. It's only when he finishes his song that she finally speaks up, looking down at the grave that he's looking at. So many people came and left in the Tower, and Xion was more acutely aware of it than most, given her job and the length of her stay.]

I'm sorry.

[For this, his friend that's left, but also for a lot of other things as well.]

Edited 2013-10-10 00:30 (UTC)

[It takes Diarmuid a moment to register that someone is there because he is so lost to his grief and the song. Once he does, he turns slightly damp eyes toward Xion. He tries to smile at her, but the smile falls flat.]

Please, don't be sorry. There is no reason to be. It's not you who sends people away from here after all.

[He turns back to the grave, laying a gentle hand on it. Diarmuid doesn't think that the apology might have a deeper meaning. After all, he had understood her reaction to him and had not been upset by it. In addition, his talk with Reno had really helped explain a lot about both her and Shion.]

We all react to pain differently. I am just not used to so much loss all at once especially when I can't control any of it. I am suppose to protect them. How can I do that now?

[Xion hesitates, then takes a few steps closer. Reaching into one of her pockets, she pulls out another shell - one of the ones she'd gotten in the Tower - and places it in front of the grave. A gift of sorts.]

You don't forget them.

[It seems like such a simple request, something so obvious, and yet for Xion few words could have greater significance.]

We find a way to restore the worlds so wherever they are, they're not alone or in danger.

[She's not sure if there's a way to bring them back themselves, not when it's Zo himself who brings and anchors them here. But their homes... that's something they can do something about.]

I will never forget them. Even if I have to return to my world in the end and am erased, I know somehow my heart will remember. There are some things that can never be forgotten completely, no matter what happens to a person.

[Diarmuid's eyes drop to the shell she has set on the grave and he smiles gently.]

Thank you. She would like that. Did you happen to know Yotsuba?

[Story of her life Diarmuid, though even she doesn't fully know it.]

I... think I met her once, at the barricade in June.

[The one where everyone tried to gather together to protect each other from the monsters that... went a little awry. Her fourth death. Regardless, the gesture is more for out of respect for him and his loss than anything.]

A little girl, with green hair?

[Very bright for the Tower.]

Yes, that's her. Whether her hair or her smile, she was hard to miss.

[Diarmuid falls silent for a moment, just looking at her stone.]

I...was lucky the first several months I was here. I didn't lose anyone that close to me. Now my bad luck seems to have found me again and every time I turn around another person is gone.

[He closes his eyes, his hand closing into a fist suddenly.]

Why can't we find a way to fight this fight faster? I don't want them to suffer! At least, while they were here I could protect them and comfort them. I can't do any of that now!

I know the feeling. I was lucky for a while too. It just feels like they're going to be there forever, and then they're just... not. And nothing really can change the fact that they're just... not there anymore.

[Light knows she felt that way about Yu, and Reno, before he'd left.]

I guess I'm lucky again now, but... I'm scared to believe it sometimes.

[Because now that it's happened once, there's always that fear that it'll happen again. As for the fight they're fighting...]

I think it's because we don't know enough. We barely knew anything a year ago, so even what we tried to do was probably like a big joke. We know more now, but there's still so much that we don't. If we knew what to do, and where, and when, we could probably do things so much faster. But we don't.

Maybe there's a faster way, but we'd need to find out what it is.

Edited 2013-10-11 03:40 (UTC)

Yes, that is it exactly.

[Diarmuid finally looks back at her.]

I'm...scared and I don't like being that way. Not when it comes to the people I care about. They depend on me and I depend on them. Probably more than they know. To have them suddenly gone without even a good bye...

[He shuts his eyes for a moment.]

But they do come back sometimes. And it's a blessing when they do.

[A smile crosses Diarmuid's face. While his next words might some less than sincere from others, it's obvious he means them with every bit of his heart.]

I am so happy for you and Shion that he came back to you. I should use that as an example of why I shouldn't give up hope, shouldn't I? Instead of focusing on the pain...

I just wish I knew how we learn those things we need to fight faster. For those who have left and for those who are still here.

[Almost every word he says is hitting some deep, painful chord in her.

It's just my friends... they need me... and I need them too.

Those had been her words. Her own words and thoughts. At the time she'd been talking about Roxas and Axel, but now it had extended to cover so many others, Reno and Shion and Elena and Yu and Asch and Sheba...]

Hope is all we really have to hold onto sometimes. Things might get better, the people we love might come back, but we can't give up on them. It's hard though. Especially when you're scared for them.

[Goodness knows she was, and it's why she doesn't - can't, really - blame him for focusing on the pain, at least for a little while]

Whatever it is we have to do to find out more though... it's probably by doing something insane that could get us hurt or worse.

[It's honestly what she believes. There's only so much they can find out anymore up here, except through studying the collar fluid. So long as they didn't jump down the elevator shaft, she would probably help. They couldn't afford to sit around and look for "safe" options of exploration.]

Yes, I think that is why I was getting so scared--why I finally posted to the Network asking for help. I felt hope slipping away and without it, what do I have?

[And hope has always been a part of him. His father had always told him as long as he never gave up, he would find a way. To actually find himself feeling like giving up had been terrifying for Diarmuid after being able to push forward through anything for so long.]

I can't let fear take that from me. Not when I have kept it so close for so long....

[The words are soft, almost as if he is talking to himself. However, when Diarmuid speaks again, his words are obviously meant for Xion.]

I don't mind being hurt if it will help my friends and the others in the Tower. It is my friends who object to it. They say I am too willing to sacrifice myself...

[He sighs, mind drifting back to his suggestion when they had been trapped in their rooms. While Diarmuid has come to accept that the timing was wrong, he can't help but wonder what might have been learned if they had been able to hold back one of those needles of collar fluid for study.]

[Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

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