animus_network | [Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

[Losing Mami, who he viewed as an adopted daughter, last month had been hard, but Diarmuid had worked his way through his grief by focusing on the happy times they had spent together. However, when three more people he is close to are sent home--two of which he cares for like his own children--those happy memories become a source of pain instead of a route passed the grief.

When he appears on the Network, Diarmuid looks more lost and empty than he has in a long time.]

Usually, when I address everyone, I am asking for help on a project that will benefit the whole Tower. Today, I am asking for help on a more personal level.

How does one handle losing a child? Not just one, but several over a short period of time? Nothing I try seems to work, and I am...

[His voice trails off here, shaking and uncertain. A short time later, the feed ends.]

Action:

[After making his post, Diarmuid can be found wandering the Tower almost as if he hopes one of the floors might give him the answers he seeks. There are some specific prompts below, but feel free to find him elsewhere.]

Room 4-16:

[A handmade wooden box sits on the bed next to Diarmuid. Once it held chocolates, now it holds letters. Several written in a childish hand are sitting on the top, but what Diarmuid is looking at is a pair of drawings that are usually set up near his bed on the nightstand.

He's not crying... He's not...]

Floor 48 (The Graveyard):

[Rabbit would probably scold Diarmuid for singing what is suppose to be a funny song in such a sad voice, but it's hard to be happy when he is singing the song alone to the gravestone of the person who was suppose to be singing it with him. He and Yotsuba had promised to get together to sing Rabbit's songs as a way of honoring their friend's memory...

Now that is never going to happen in any way other than this.]

Floor 3 (The Library):

[There is ink smudged on his cheek and his arm, but Diarmuid doesn't notice. On the surface, he's focused on printing more copies of the Tower Guide to put out for those who might want them, but really he's in the Library for a very different reason. Tohko was always here and it's like he feels spending time here will help him find her again--find that cheerful voice who had so often redirected him when he didn't know what to do next. He almost expects to look up and see her there, smiling and ready to offer her help with what he's working on.

Unfortunately, no matter how long he waits, that will not happen.]

Floor 28 (The Music Room):

[Before even his brother, Labrys had been the first family Diarmuid had in this place. Their bond created during the January experiment, afterward they had talked about learning to play an instrument together, but life in the Tower and his indecisiveness had kept them from doing so. Now, as his hands run over the piano he had once heard her picking a tune out on, the sound of his grief blocks any music the instrument might make.

How is it that one who once lived his life with no regrets has so many of them now?]

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[The voice feed starts up, though France doesn't speak for a long moment. It's almost as if the feed has been turned on accidentally, but soon his voice comes, soft and steady.]

It is never easy, is it, my friend? No matter how many times it has happened.

[Having lost millions of citizens, people he considers his children, he knows the feeling well.]

...But I believe that it is possible to grow to accept it. Trust in God to have a plan for all those who are lost. I firmly believe that your children will find their bliss, even if you do not see them again for a long time. [A beat.] And you will see them again. Most definitely.

No...it isn't. When I first started losing people, I told myself what so many people have told me. We will keep fighting and we will save them. Remember the happy memories. It is what they would want and being angry and sad only wastes energy that could be used elsewhere. However, the more people who I have lost the harder it becomes...

[Diarmuid pauses a moment to try and steady his shaking voice.]

Now I think those things and it doesn't help. I try to be positive and part of me just laughs. How do I start believing those things again? Especially when I know I won't see them again? The children I speak of are from different worlds than my own. They are people who I adopted here. Even if we fix everything--especially if we fix everything--I won't ever see them again.

You say 'grow to accept it.' How? Is time the only way?

[France is silent for another long moment, save for the occasional thoughtful hum.]

It... is quite hard to try to accept something like that. When you love somebody, you want to have and hold them for as long as you both live, and never let them go, but... [He sighs. There's a trace of a wistful smile in his voice.] ...that's not possible, is it? We all must part sometime.

Whenever I am longing to see my lost loved ones again, I like to picture them as they were when they were at their happiest. Smiling, laughing... Try to assure yourself that that is how they will end up, no matter their circumstances.

And I believe that even if you do not see them again before everything is fixed, a part of you will live with them, and a part of them with you. That is how bonds work, n'est-ce pas? Perhaps... Heh. [He lays a hand over his heart, though it can't be seen when he's using the voice function.] Perhaps we cannot see it because of all this glamour and technology, but I like to think of it like parts of your souls intertwining.

[There's a bit of humor in his voice when he finishes up his speech.]

Stranger things have happened, right?

I suppose part of the issue is that I am more used to being the one who is taken away. Death does not leave much time for mourning...

[That is an attempt at dark humor, something that is not usually Diarmuid's style. He seems to realize this quickly and apologizes.]

Sorry...that wasn't really appropriate, even if there is some truth in it. However, you are right even if I never really thought about it that way. I have always believed that memories stay with people always no matter what happens to them, so in that way they do become a part of your soul even if not quite in the same way you are describing.

[He pauses for a few moments, head dropping as he speaks.]

I wish I could think of those happy moments, but every time I do I am hit with a wave of pain that is almost too much to bear. Perhaps, I just need to give myself some time like so many are saying--time to let the loss become less raw--but it is hard.

Yes, I understand. Thoughts have a tendency of getting clouded when death weighs heavily on the mind. [He tries to bump some good humor into his voice.] But do not pressure yourself, yes? We all grieve in our own ways.

[He's silent for another thoughtful moment, and almost decides against continuing to speak. But he forces himself to go on anyway.]

...It really does not get any easier to lose the ones you love. Ever. You just... think of better ways to cope. [He bites down on his lip.] Better ways to move on.

But that is the best anyone can do, I think. It just means that you still have a heart left in you that can ache. That in itself can be comforting, don't you agree?

[Diarmuid is silent for several moments thinking over what France has said.]

You...are right. I never stopped to think of it like that. I have seen those here who have either lost the ability to hurt or have stopped allowing themselves to hurt and it has made them hard and cold.

I would rather die myself than ever become like that.

[Suddenly, his voice sounds much lighter.]

Thank you. If I think of this instead of how much I hurt... Yes, that will work. There is very little that is positive about all of this, but that is positive and something to work forward from.

Edited (Bah...lets get the right icon in there...) 2013-11-06 06:34 (UTC)

You are welcome. I just hate the thought of people shutting up their feelings when they've been dealt hardships. [France gives an airy little sigh.] Emotions hurt us, but they are also what makes life worth living, no?

I hope that you and all of your children find your happiness again. Truly, I do.

They are. They really are. It is why I made all of these bonds to begin with even knowing this might happen someday.

[Diarmuid smiles slightly. There is still sadness in his eyes and voice, but it is nowhere near as strong as it was before.]

Thank you and I wish the same for you and all of those you have lost. May we soon all find the happiness we deserve.

Merci beaucoup.

[France pauses for a minute, considering what to say, but he can't bring forth any more words. Everything important that he wanted to express has already been said, and, admittedly, the conversation has made his own losses weigh heavily on his mind. Better to leave Diarmuid to his thoughts while he composes himself.]

Well, my friend, have a wonderful day. I will speak to you again sometime. Au revoir.

[Perhaps a bit abruptly, he switches off the voice function. That's enough computer time for him today.]

[Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

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