animus_network | ☿ // 007; [video]

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☿ // 007; [video]

So. That month certainly happened. As usual I'll be the contrary fool who points out that leaping directly for Jason's throat was foolish and hastily conceived. I hope at least some of you understand that outright murdering the one person that makes our own deaths a minor inconvenience would be ill-advised at best. When next this opportunity presents itself, I advise that quick planning should lead to a less half-baked idea.

[Deadpan as ever (or perhaps even more so), Waver appeared today in much better shape than he had been the previous month, though for some reason he was currently lacking the usual sunglasses. If not for the frown set deeply on his face and disapproving tone, one might dare think he might have been in a good mood.]

Now that that's been said--and without touching upon specifics--I'd like to hear how everyone else is faring at the moment. [It would be stupid to outright say HEY GUYS HOW'D THE COLLAR EXPERIMENT GO FOR YOU ALL, so Waver elected to be vague.]

If anyone should care to answer that, I have quite a lot of work to do- [He idly held up a number of sheets of what appeared to be parchment, the topmost one having runic writing on it.] -so I will most likely be found on floor twenty-seven in a half hour or so. [And for the next few days without a break, probably.]

[There followed a short pause, after which the severity in the cold and British accented speech lessened slightly.]

...My disapproval of the methods aside, congratulations. Ill-advised or not, you did accomplish something. Don't allow yourselves to think this a failure.

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Diarmuid...do you ever stop to consider you could think too highly of me?

No.

[The answer is quick and confident.]

Considering how highly you think of me even though I have made countless mistakes and failed numerous times... How could I ever not think as highly of you as you do of me?

I just think...look, maybe we both put each other on a pedestal that's a bit hard to live up to.

[A sudden, frightened look that he can't completely hide shoots across Diarmuid's eyes.]

H-have I done something wrong? Something t-to make you lose faith in me?

[He seems almost like he's about to bolt from the room. It's probably a good thing Waver's still go a hold of his hand...]

Diarmuid...no. That's not the case at all, so please--just calm down and listen to me.

[Waver squeezed his hand lightly, trying to sound reassuring.]

You haven't done anything wrong. I just worry that...some of us simply can't live up to what you believe we are. This pedestal you've placed me on, for example--no human could possibly match up to it. It's just...it's a lot of pressure, you understand what I'm getting at here?

No, I don't.

[And it's clear from the confusion mixed with the panic still in his eyes--he's not reassured, not at all--that he doesn't understand. Diarmuid had been raised with the idea he could be anything he wanted as long as he never stopped trying. That anyone could do that as long as they tried. It is why he expects so much of people.

Expecting less is an insult.]

W-why do you want me to think less of you? It doesn't make sense. It's like giving up even when there is still hope of success. Why would you do that?

[Never mind his definition of 'hope for success' is much different than most people's.]

I'm not giving up on anything, you know that I wouldn't. And I wouldn't term it as wanting you to think less of me or anyone, just...

[Waver trailed off, looking uncertain as he tried to determine how to phrase what he was thinking.]

...just have more realistic expectations. Even when they give everything they have, people are bound to be fallible. And while I truly appreciate the sentiment, I'm worried your own belief in some of us is far beyond what anyone can feasibly accomplish.

I know that!

[Diarmuid pulls away from Waver now, turning his back to the magus and taking several steps away. At the same time his arms wrap around his waist, as he pulls in on himself like he hasn't done for a very long time.

He suddenly feels very alone even though Waver's not that far away.]

I've never asked anyone to do more than keep trying. To do their best. I know they will fail sometimes. I just don't want them to ever give up on being more. It's not about expectations!

[His voice suddenly gets very soft.]

I just don't want them to give up. It's so easy to do here...

Diarmuid-

[Waver pulled back slightly himself, momentarily startled by the sudden reaction. Hesitating a second or two, he stepped a little closer and spoke quietly.]

...I know that. I know it's easy to give up here, and it truly is kind of you to support everyone like that.

[Sighing, he put his arms around Diarmuid's shoulders--maybe he'd been a little too straightforward or simply gone about it the wrong way.]

But the way you talk about people, myself especially...it's so much to live up to that it circles around to being a lot of pressure at times. You can't think I'm really so strong and clever as you say--even I lose a fight or hit a logical wall now and then.

I don't lie.

[The words are clipped, even if they are soft.]

What do you want me to do, Waver? This is a key part of who I am. I believe in people. I believe in the best in people even as I know that they will fail sometimes. If I start giving up on that...

[Somehow, Diarmuid's voice gets even softer.]

...I might never stop giving up again.

[And perhaps that is the most frightening thing to him. There is so little of himself left--of the knight he once was--if he starts letting go if this part of him, if he starts letting it change too...

...will he even be Diarmuid anymore?]

Edited 2014-01-13 08:18 (UTC)

I just-...I don't know. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut.

[Realizing this had backfired horribly, Waver tightened his hold on Diarmuid just a little.]

N-no... If it's hurting you... I-if I'm hurting you...

[Saber had told him he had to find where he would draw the line as to what he would and wouldn't do, hadn't she? Some of those decisions are going to be harder to make than others. This he knows.

Just like he knows he never wants to willingly hurt Waver. There is nothing difficult about making that decision, at least.]

I w-will...

[He wants to say he will try, but he can't. He just...can't.]

What do I do?

[The words that come out instead of 'I will try' are small and frightened. Suddenly, it's taking every bit of his will not to pull away from Waver and start running, because he's pretty sure he's not going to stop if he does.]

Calm down, first of all. Take a deep breath and don't rush through this line of thought.

[Waver idly ran a hand through Diarmuid's hair, speaking softly.]

No matter what happens--no matter what you might say or do--I will always be here. That I promise you, absolutely. I'm just trying to help you, that's all.

[Diarmuid turns in Waver's arms, wrapping his own around the magus. He needs his anchor right now, and since he can't just go to their bond to feel Waver's presence there, Diarmuid has to fall back on more old-fashioned methods.]

But if I lose myself, will that matter? She said I have to find the lines I will draw. The things I will never, ever do or change about myself. I-I can't change that about me, Waver. I can't. If I do...I won't be me anymore.

[His voice shakes, but considering how scared it was a moment before that is actually pretty good.]

I...can try to not say anything anymore. It will feel wrong, but hurting people is wrong too. Especially when I am trying to help.

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to upset you.

[Waver made a mental note that maybe he just wasn't as good at talking to Diarmuid as he'd led Reno to believe.]

Believing in people is important--and I'm genuinely touched you believe in all of us so much. Just...please, all I ask is that you realize it can be a little pressuring, even if that's the last thing you intended.

[It's not that Waver can't talk to Diarmuid about anything, it's just that this kind of thing isn't easy to talk about period. Likely, Waver is the only person Diarmuid would talk to about something this close to his soul, no matter how good or bad the conversation ended up going.]

I'm sorry.

[While he doesn't pull away or give any other outward signs, Diarmuid again pulls in on himself. Waver would probably be able to feel it if their bond was active, but without it, it is much harder to notice especially with Diarmuid's head resting against Waver's shoulder and hiding his face.]

I'm sorry. I will do better...somehow.

[That voice, though...is too calm after all its earlier passion.]

Diarmuid...hey. Look at me.

[Even without an active contract, he'd at least learned how to pick up on when things weren't entirely right.]

Please?

[Though he doesn't lift his head from Waver's shoulder, he does turn it so he can look up at the magus as requested. His golden eyes are flat and distant.

As if Waver needed more confirmation that something wasn't right...]

Yes?

[He pulled back slightly, taking Diarmuid's face in both hands with a worried look.]

It's not like that. Thinking that you need to do 'better', that's not really right. I realize you're doing your best--I wouldn't want to ask any more of you than that.

It's fine.

[Diarmuid closes his eyes again seeming very listless for a few moments, before raising a hand to cover one of the ones Waver has on his face.]

It's not you who is asking. It's me. And that's the problem...

[At least he recognizes it now, but that doesn't mean he's learned how to stop.]

You always did ask too much of yourself. [Waver leaned his forehead against Diarmuid's, sighing.]

It's alright. I won't blame you for it--all I want to do is help if I can.

I wish that you could, but I know better than that.

[A sad laugh slips from his lips.]

As much as I want to fix this, I am at the point where no one can help me but me. I just...don't know how.

Maybe you're right. Ultimately I would think everyone is their own best ally and worst enemy...so you can probably help yourself more than I ever could.

But I want you to know...if you need support to help you pick yourself up, you should understand beyond any doubt that I'll be right at your side.

[Diarmuid shakes his head gently as so not to push Waver away.]

That isn't true. You know some parts of me better than I ever will. It is just this part...is different.

[There is silence for several moments before Diarmuid opens his eyes. Thankfully, the look in them is much closer to normal now.]

I promise you. Someday, I will believe in myself again. Someday, I will find my confidence. Your efforts aren't being wasted.

Just...forgive me for having to lean on you a while longer...

There's nothing to forgive between us. Lean on me as much as you find necessary, and I'll wait as long as I need to for you to work this out.

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plays the timey-wimey card because shh

LOL! No worries. I had a feeling you were heading that way!

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GDIT...this conversation in light of what is about to happen... X.x

ha ha -awkward-...

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