yet another bin bons (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
caliginous) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
animus_network2012-08-23 07:25 pm
caliginous) wrote in animus_network2012-08-23 07:25 pm
Entry tags:
♋ 007 || Text
SURPRISE, ITS YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD ASSHOLE WITH A SHINY PIECE OF INFORM8TION.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
THAT MEANS YOU.
YES YOU.
ALL OF YOU.
I AM TIRED OF DYING.
SO TIRED I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SIT HERE AND COME UP WITH A SUPER CONVOLUTED METAPHOR TO LET YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING TIRED I AM OF IT.
BUT SINCE I'M FORCED TO ENDURE IT TIME AND TIME AGAIN, I'M GONNA DO YOU ALL A BIG FUCKING FAVOR.
NO NEED TO THANK ME OR ANYTHING.
YOU CAN THANK ME BY FUCKING OFF TO THE ENCHANTED LAND THAT EXISTS IN CLOTHING STORAGE.
AND LEAVING ME ALONE.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT HAS TO DO WITH THAT HUGE BREECHBEAST THAT TORE THIS PLACE DOWN OR WHATEVER.
BUT I USUALLY GET AN HOUR OF THIS PARALYSIS SHIT WHENEVER SOMEONE GETS IT IN THEIR HEADS TO OFF ME.
WELL I GOT THE HOUR OF LAYING ON MY ASS DOING NOTHING.
BUT I WOKE UP A LITTLE BEFORE THAT?
DON'T ASK ME HOW, BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
SINCE I WAS DEAD AND EVERYTHING.
I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT, IT WASN'T FOR LONG, AND IT PROBABLY ISN'T EVEN RELEVANT, BUT I KNOW A FEW OF YOU LOSERS GET YOUR JOLLIES OUT OF TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF SHIT THAT HAPPENS AROUND HERE.
SO THERE YOU GO.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
ALLOW ME TO REMIND YOU OF THE "FUCKING OFF" CLAUSE THAT COMES WITH THIS INFORM8TION.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
THAT MEANS YOU.
YES YOU.
ALL OF YOU.
I AM TIRED OF DYING.
SO TIRED I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SIT HERE AND COME UP WITH A SUPER CONVOLUTED METAPHOR TO LET YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING TIRED I AM OF IT.
BUT SINCE I'M FORCED TO ENDURE IT TIME AND TIME AGAIN, I'M GONNA DO YOU ALL A BIG FUCKING FAVOR.
NO NEED TO THANK ME OR ANYTHING.
YOU CAN THANK ME BY FUCKING OFF TO THE ENCHANTED LAND THAT EXISTS IN CLOTHING STORAGE.
AND LEAVING ME ALONE.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT HAS TO DO WITH THAT HUGE BREECHBEAST THAT TORE THIS PLACE DOWN OR WHATEVER.
BUT I USUALLY GET AN HOUR OF THIS PARALYSIS SHIT WHENEVER SOMEONE GETS IT IN THEIR HEADS TO OFF ME.
WELL I GOT THE HOUR OF LAYING ON MY ASS DOING NOTHING.
BUT I WOKE UP A LITTLE BEFORE THAT?
DON'T ASK ME HOW, BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
SINCE I WAS DEAD AND EVERYTHING.
I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT, IT WASN'T FOR LONG, AND IT PROBABLY ISN'T EVEN RELEVANT, BUT I KNOW A FEW OF YOU LOSERS GET YOUR JOLLIES OUT OF TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF SHIT THAT HAPPENS AROUND HERE.
SO THERE YOU GO.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
ALLOW ME TO REMIND YOU OF THE "FUCKING OFF" CLAUSE THAT COMES WITH THIS INFORM8TION.
no subject
A lot worse than he expected.
He gasps sharply, not because of the way Eridan grabbed him, but because his empathy goes on override. Cool, collected Karkat loses his composure for a second, both eyes going wide. His grip on the jade's wrists tighten for a second, then relax when he's overwhelmed. He doesn't hear all of Eridan's explanation clearly, but then again he doesn't need to. Not with his stupid cerulean blood and his equally damnable role.
He's shaken, and it pulls him out of his feelings fit, leaving him staring a bit blankly at the troll on top of him.]
You honestly think that.
[Its not an accusation, but a realization -- a sad realization, if his tone is anything to judge by. If he were a weaker troll, he might have cried. But he's not. He's Karkat Vantas, and he's used to these sob stories, used to not being able to cry and having to keep shoving people out of the way. Its just never hit quite so close to home before.
This was still Eridan Ampora. Even if he was a little shit, they were still supposed to be friends.]
You honestly think that nobody gave a shit. Eridan, you stupid motherfucker...
[The insult comes out before he can stop it -- he can't help it, he insults even those he cares about the most, though Eridan doesn't quite fit that category at the moment.]
We didn't ask? No, of course we didn't! How were we meant to ask, when you ran off to be a hero at all hours of the day? We never saw you, we all had our own jobs to do just like you had your's. Maybe its nice to be asked, but its nice to make a god damn choice for yourself, isn't it?
[Eridan would know -- he's personally made sure than Eridan knows what its like to actively be incapable of choosing for himself how to move or act, simply by his nature of being a psychic. The Tower did it every day. Sgrub might have seemed like hell, but it was nothing compared to this place, in Karkat's mind.
He has a very sinking feeling he's not going to make headway here. Eridan's mind is made up. But he has to try.]
You're right. I didn't ask -- maybe I should have, but I didn't. Its not my thing, typically. I look, I find what I need, I make it happen. Simple. Go for the source. But I didn't this time.
[He's quick to make that point.]
There's nothing left to ask, aside from what I asked you earlier. We're irrevocably fucked. We all know it now.
[And then he brings up Feferi. Feferi, the topic he had been trying really hard to avoid, simply because he really didn't want that can of worms open, less for Eridan and more for himself. He doesn't like Feferi, doesn't think he'll ever be capable of trusting her as a friend again--
Was that how Eridan felt about him?]
...you knew she was going to kill us.
[He lets his hands fall to the ground. Betrayal. Right. He knows that feeling. Everything else that Eridan had been shoving on him, he had missed it. But then he remembers Feferi, and how he feels about her and suddenly it makes sense. Eridan doesn't trust him -- why should he?
This was never going to work, he realized. After listening to everything, he understood that Eridan was too ingrained in what he believed to consider changing his thought process. And yet, its hard to care now, because Eridan knew. He knew they were all going to die at Feferi's hand, and that had been when he decided to give up.
It was cruel irony. Painful irony that he didn't want to think about.]
Then what do you want? To be alone? Do you really think that's going to fucking help? Nobody wanted you to die, you shithead, nobody wanted anyone to die! You're making stupid assumptions. We were all friends, Eridan. This self-sacrificing thing has to fucking stop.
[He swallowed.]
But I'm not going to make you. I'm not going to ask you. I'm just going to tell you. For your mental health, whatever is left of it, and for whatever you might care about that's left here, it has to stop.
[He needs an outlet -- does he have one? He doesn't really know, and he's not sure he wants to go poking around trying to find out if he does. The bruising on his neck where Eridan's claws had been digging tells him no, he doesn't, but his head tells him that there's no way he could be keeping a tight lid on this without someone to talk to.
Feferi isn't here -- who could it be?]
Eridan, listen to me. This isn't you -- and you can argue that point all you want, but you're not a murderer. A killer, maybe. Fuck, aren't we all? But you're not a murderer. And if you don't slow your roll, sooner or later, you're gonna hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.
I probably deserve it, but that's beside the point.
no subject
Of course I fucking knew, I was the first one she killed.
[He remembers, with the unnatural clarity he remembers anything pertaining Feferi, being approached by her on Derse. He'd been thinking about going back LOCAS and take the plunge into godtier. Talking to himself, past and present and future, trying to see what would happen if he did. And then she was there.]
We didn't want to. You keep talking about her like she wanted to. Like it didn't kill her inside to do it. Why do you think she never killed anyone while she was here? If she hated you all so much, if she was such a fucking monster, why do you think she never killed anyone here? It wasn't that you were supposed to be our friends. You were. We had no Time to do anything else, the only mercy she could deliver you was to do it herself, rather than let Jack do it. We had no time and we were Doomed and even if by some miracle he didn't kill us, the timeline was already dissolving. Someone had to do something, so we did.
[But he hadn't wanted to. He'd trusted Feferi, but he had always known what it had looked like. He'd known. He'd known and he'd felt guilty even as he'd done it. And the guilt had nestled itself deep into his mind, anchoring easily to his self-deprecating personality and his penchant to blame himself for things. Well, here was the big one, and it was definitely his fault. He'd killed every single one of them, by standing aside and letting Feferi go.]
Who should have I told, Karkat? Who would have listened? Who could I trust, when no one trusted me?
[And that's the cornerstone of hatred in him. That after all he's done, all he's given up, no one even trusted him to tell the truth. No one listened.]
If we had told you what had to be done, if we'd wasted time explaining, would you have listened? Or would you have just said Feferi was crazy and I was going on with it because I was still in love with her? Who of you had enough energy left to push the fear aside and act reasonably? Aradia and Sollux, maybe. Captor, if we were lucky. Aradia listened to me, when I told her about Nep's lusus. But Aradia hated Feferi too much to be impartial there. And Sollux and Captor? How much precious time would be wasted waiting for them to bicker into an agreement? And even if they did, would the rest have listened? Would you have trusted us?
[The answer, to him, is a solid no.]
Everything was falling apart. Everyone was scared and tired and confused. If we'd done nothing, we would have died and vanished into nothing. Insignificant, worthless blips in the fabric of space and time. So we took our chances.
[His claws have not stopped moving yet, tearing through the sleeves and into skin. And now there are welts of jade bleeding down his arms. The pain is insignificant compared to the disaster that's his mind. But it keeps his hands occupied. Keeps them hurting someone, while at the same time no one will care about. What's another wound in the great scale of things.]
Of course none of you give a fuck. And you shouldn't, either. I betrayed you. I paid for it, but I still did it. You were my friends and I betrayed you. You didn't deserve to die that way. I'm not a murderer? I murdered every single one of you. And then I murdered everything left in the entire fucking universe, just for good measure, when I Scratched the fucking thing. Hurting people who don't deserve it is the only thing I do.
no subject
Will you fucking stop with the self-depreciating bullshit? Stop being such a miserable shitstain for five seconds and listen to yourself. Do you even hear what you're saying? You are so off the deep end you're swimming at the bottom of the sea with Leijon herself. Slow your goddamn roll.
[Feferi again. Guess there was no avoiding that. Fine.]
There is nothing waiting for anyone. Nothing. The Scratch was it. That was the hard reset. Do you think we're all living in some happy paradise without you and her? We're not. I'm dead. That's the end. I don't know what Feferi thought she was doing, none of it made sense at the time and it still doesn't fucking make sense because all I saw was her killing me and everyone else. And you're going to sit there and tell me that she didn't want to, that it was what she had to do?!
Did you watch her kill me too? Did you see me trying to talk to Kanaya after it happened? Did you?!
[He's starting to get angry, because Feferi is probably one of the few betrayals he didn't see coming. She was always a little off, he knew that, but deep down she was a sweet-hearted girl. There was no reasoning with her when she came for him. The worst part was knowing that she would go for the others -- that she had already killed Terezi when she got to him.
His grip tightens.]
Do you know why we failed? Because you and Feferi were on your own mindless fucking crusades of greater purpose. That's why. Not because we asked you to, but because nobody fucking trusted anyone. We failed because we were never going to succeed. The Scratch was it. The end. And it was never going to be any other way.
[He was spitting it out as the realization came to him -- Eridan knew all of this already, because of his Dumb Time Shit, but he wasn't saying it for his benefit.]
I don't fucking care anymore, Eridan. We lost. But if you expected me to pat Feferi on the back and tell her "Hey! Thanks for skewering me like a trollkabob on 12 Perigee's Eve!" you're insane. Nothing came of it, except a miserable and slow death that nobody was ready for.
[That I wasn't ready for.]
Scratching was what we should've done in the first place, after those douchebags fucked up with Noir's prototyping. Not everything else that came before it. Everything else that came before it is why we're here now, and why you're bleeding like a wiggler all over my freshly pressed suit.
You know, you're an asshole, and not for the reasons you think you are. Stop telling people how they feel about you. That's my fucking job, and you're doing it wrong. Hurting people who don't deserve it is the only thing you do? Then why the fuck are you clawing at yourself? Stop.
no subject
I know.
[I know, I know, I know, IknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIknow. Knowing didn't make it better thought. And Karkat wouldn't shut up and he kept talking about that shit Eridan didn't want to. He already knew. I'd broken him to know, but he'd already known. And Karkat kept talking to him like a stupid grub and talking about that. Eridan twisted in the hold, straining. He didn't know what Karkat was trying to do, what he hoped this would cause, except it was hurting. And now it wasn't the old hurt which was okay because you stopped feeling it after a while. It was the new hurt that made things lose focus and only stopped hurting when he started hurting something or someone else.
He twisted and shook and strained to remember why he'd tried so hard not to just fucking kill Karkat. The homicidal intent that flooded him wasn't the manic, restless violence that preluded the fits, no, it was the logical, calculative calm that had once been his mindset hunting things and was now twisted on itself and turned into something monstrous. Karkat was hurting him and the fucker probably just wanted to hurt him for the sake of hurting him, because everything Eridan had thought about him was a lie obviously and why was he holding back again? Wouldn't it be easier just to snap his neck? Crush his throat? Shoot his head off?
Eridan went quiet and still as he stared at Karkat, what passed of as his conscious mind curling up in itself and folding back. He didn't want to hurt anyone, but he never got anything he wanted. In fact, him wanting something was the most effective way to ensure the entire cosmos would realign and ensure he never got his way.]
Shut up.
no subject
[He released his hands when he finally settled down, but more because he was fucking disgusted. Karkat couldn't stop himself from forcefully sitting up and trying to shove him off.]
Talking about how nobody cares, then when someone tries to give a shit, you just keep talking about the past while simultaniously telling everyone else to move on. The hell do you think you are?
no subject
You know what's the problem with Makara?
[Because they're having an entirely different conversation, now. Or at least Eridan is. Quiet, collected, thoughtful. He's panicking somewhere inside, but it's muted under the weight of pleasant bloodlust.]
He enjoys it too much.
no subject
If I cared about him, that's where I'd be. Now get off me.
no subject
He cares too much, you see. Makes it personal.
[There's that manic glint again, sharper now.]
This isn't personal, you understand. It's just business.
no subject
Its a horrible taste, but there are just some things even Karkat has limits with.]
Just business? Then don't fucking touch me.
no subject
You're not going to make this personal anymore.
[His smile is crooked, not amused, and it doesn't reach his eyes.]
It would've been, if I'd gotten you right after you went and fucked with my head. Couldn't think straight for days, you know? Or maybe after the second time, that one lasted weeks. But this? You couldn't make me hate you so now you're going to try and be as pitiful as you can?
[If you're not gonna lick that blood, he will. It's mostly like an after thought.]
I'm going to cull your ass, Vantas, and I'm not even going to enjoy it.
no subject
[Yeah, Karkat is done with this conversation. This time, he's a lot rougher with his shove. He throws his whole body into it to dump Eridan off of his lap.]
If you try, I'm gonna defend myself. I suggest you fuck off if you don't want me to make you.
no subject
Please do.
[And when he came back, it was to press the tip of the barrel against Karkat's head.]
I know I've always thought you were better than you really are, Vantas, but being a sitting duck is too much.
no subject
Just remember, Eridan. You asked for this.
[Karkat has Eridan's eyes and he won't let him look away from his ice cold fury. He shoves the barrel away and moves to stand. He couldn't turn to leave, or his control would fade. So he would have to put him to sleep.]
I'd almost feel bad, if it wasn't for that.
no subject
Being sorry is my thing, not yours.
no subject
[He takes control, forces him to lower the gun and step back. He is very focused on keeping his mind from melding with the insanity that is Eridan's but boy is it temping to give in after that display. How dare he push him like that, he was practically begging to be subjugated.]
Here's the thing. You don't get to tell me what to do. Its my job to tell you what to do.
no subject
It's good to know I'm not the only one hopelessly shitty at his designed job.
no subject
[He snaps Eridan's jaw shut, painfully so that he might bite his tongue if he's not quick enough to move it.]
You and I are never going to be equals. By default, I'm instantly better than you, and the more you talk, the deeper you dig your own sorry corpsehole. You're done talking, you're done threatening me, and I'm done with you.
[The urge to break him in half is overwhelming. But he doesn't. After the episode with Minato, he couldn't do that again. Especially not to a friend.
If that was even still a thing. Whatever.]
no subject
no subject
[He then throws his hands out in frustration as he knocks him into dreamland, completely careless as to how he falls to the ground.
He feared if he stayed much longer, he would have done something he would regret. Even as Karkat turns to storm off, he is vaguely aware that his hands are shaking and that his empathy threatens to overwhelm his already fragile psyche.]