animus_network | .004 ♒ chronicAugustus began drowning in self-loathing. [Text]

...right.

[Eridan winces. Then very... casually, pulls the red jacket off.]

It looks worse than it really is, honest.

[It's just that his habit to worry his clothes with his claws has somehow evolved into a manic compulsion to tear strips of skin off his arms when he's upset. Which he's been. Repeatedly. Since he came back.

Uh.

Yay for lots of jade scabs? Lots of them. Eridan's claws are very well sharpened.]

[...]

[Equius is silent for a very, very long time.]

...What.

Did you do.

To your arms.

[...yeah, he's wilting under the glare of those shades. They're fucking stupid shades and they somehow manage to look very intimidating right now.

Unconsciously, Eridan goes to show, rather than tell, claws sinking into skin as he opens his mouth with a wince.]

I. Uh.

[Tear.]

Nothing much, really.

[Eridan may notice a strong jerking of the arm that he used to rip at the skin.]

[Didn't know Equius could move that fast, did you? Well, he can, and he's now holding Eridan's wrist in a death grip.]

That's a lie.

[...um. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Shit son, you just cowered the unstable, occasionally would-be-murderous troll.]

It's just.

[Eridan swallows hard.]

...reflexive? Doesn't really hurt all that much. Or at all, really.

[Equius is not having any of your bullshit. And he's not backing down from it, either. This may be the first time it's happened in... well, ever.]

You're breaking skin, Eridan. That is also a lie.

[Another wince.]

It's okay, really! Eq. Equius. Just. You know, Scratches.

[He offers a little hoarse, very unconvincing laugh.]

Haha, me and scratches huh.

[He wilts even more.]

...that's not really funny at all is it.

No. It's not.

[Still not letting go of that arm. It's just... argh.]

And neither is that. [He means, of course, the delightful latticework of scars, and he gestures towards it with his head.]

Now sit still, and for the love of god, don't touch your arm.

...'m sorry.

[Because yeah, he screwed up again, didn't he. He ducks his head, flinching somewhat.]

[Instead of responding, Equius breathes deeply and sets to work on the horrible mess that is Eridan's arm. They're all scars by now, so he's not sure if he can do much for them, but upsetting scars? Definitely not a good idea. Plus there's that fresh wound in the middle there.]

I just... [It's a valiant attempt, but unfortunately Equius does not know or cannot say what he "just", so let's move on to something else instead.] No. It's fine. I'm sorry. [He doesn't sound quite so angry anymore, but the tone is still much harder than it would be on any other day.]

[Eridan holds still for. Perhaps fifteen seconds. Precisely. He knows, he counted. And then he started twitching, clicking the tips of his claws with each other. You know. Nervous energy. Right.

Man this was so not how he expected this to go.]

...I can go. If you want. I mean. I said my shit and owned up my bullshit and I really understand if you'd rather drop me off a cliff than help out, so I can. You know. Leave. If you want.

[Oh hey, now he's worrying his thigh, though at least for now all he's doing is messing with denim. Denim is thick enough to handle his claws better than his shirt.]

No!

[Another deep breath.]

...Eridan, if I wanted you to leave I would have told you to leave. I don't want to drop you off a cliff, at all. So please stay still.

[He sees that claw, Eridan. Don't think he doesn't.]

[Eridan flinches again, flattering his hand against his thigh. He listens to Equius for a moment, before his fingers start to drum again. And soon enough he's clicking his claws again.]

It's just. You know. Not a big deal.

[He shrugs a little, probably disrupting Equius' business with that arm.]

I mean. I'm just gonna die, right? And then it'll get reset again.

[Okay, yeah, clicking claws. Fine. Do that, Eridan. Really. Just. Do i--]

What did I just tell you about MOVING YOUR ARM?!

...Shit.

Ohfuck.

[Yeah. Okay. Yes. Flinching and cowering openly, fuck this shit, Equius Zahhak is a goddamn scary motherfucker when he's pissed.]

[...]

[He stays there, kneeling on the bed, fists clenched and looking more like a goddamn demon than anything else at the moment, for quite a while as his brain tries to process what happened and what he just did. And what Eridan just did.]

[Well, at least he's not the only one who fucked up.]

[HAHAHAHA...]

[So after staring glassy-eyed at Eridan for a few seconds more, Equius promptly sinks back down onto the bed and parks his face firmly in his hands.]

...oh my god, eridan. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.

[Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Eridan has one moment of internal panicked flailing, before his face falls into the purest concern.]

Hey, hey.

[He hesitates a moment before reaching out, trying to hold Equius' shoulders.]

Don't be sorry. Please. Eq, Eq, c'mon. It's not your fault, I'm sorry I was an asshole and didn't own up to shit from the start. I'm sorry you had to find out like this. I'm sorry I fucked up. You're not... you didn't fuck up at all, it was my fault. Please.

[Yeah, he. Doesn't like this. Like, at all. And the problem here is that the only person he can punch for this is himself.]

Zahhak, don't make me hug you. I will so fucking hug you if you don't snap out of it. C'mon.

no, i— [The glasses, the horrible stupid glasses, have been discarded off to the side by now; they were kind of restricting his range of motion, at a point where his range of motion is trying to claw his eyes out with only the pads of his hands. Or, at least, that's what it looks like. He's clutching his head harder now, because he really — he really had to snap at Eridan now. Now, of all times. When the bastard was feeling at his absolute worst.]

[He's a horrible person. He's a horrible person. He's a horrible person.]

i'm a horrible person. i'm a horrible person. i'm a horrible person.

Oh, Eq. You know that's bullshit.

[Eridan sounds deeply concerned and more than a little heartbroken about that. This is his fault, he's certain. It's always his fault.]

No, you're not a horrible person. You're so far removed from being a horrible person it's not even funny anymore.

[And yeah, he's inching in to try and wrap his arms around the larger troll, pulling his face towards his shoulder.]

Please don't say that about yourself, Eq.

[Have some awkward attempts at petting. Certainly not papping, though. There's nothing pale about this.]

Hon, don't be like that. You're one of the best people here. The bestest. I'm sorry I made you mad. If anyone's a horrible person here is me. Hon, please...

[Equius looks up shortly after Eridan says the first sentence. Judging from the way he opens his mouth, he doesn't agree with it. Even in this completely wrecked state of mind, he still wants to argue his case — he is a horrible person and there's absolutely nothing anyone can do about it. He just is. He's a horrible person and he can't even keep his goddamn temper in check. What the hell is up with that? His temper? For god's sake, really? The one thing he was always able to shut up, always, inevitably? That would never ruin his life again? Why'd it have to come out now? Why'd it have to come out at all? What the fuck was wrong with him that he was actually deteriorating so much inside this Tower, and if he was — which he was — goddammit — what the hell would he be at the end of it? Completely worthless, instead of just mostly worthless?]

[Fuck, he doesn't want to be worthless. Fuck.]

[He doesn't make a sound or move a muscle when Eridan comes near him, too lost in his thoughts to notice. What little he does register mostly consists of the fact that there's a jadeblood with his arms around him, and maybe he's saying something and maybe he's not, and it just feels really good. Equius still has next to no idea what he's doing, mind; if he did, he probably wouldn't be noticing this at all. Too busy with psychology and denial and all the sick things in the corners of his head. So, for now at least, the logical choice of action is clear.]

[He sinks promptly into it, spine hunched over so much that he can actually rest the bridge of his nose on Eridan's shoulder. And he does. Eridan now officially has one yellowblooded pillbug leaning against him, and a moment later, there's the hands around his back. They're still clutching tightly, of course, but this time it's to the back of Eridan's shirt.]

[Needless to say, he really doesn't give a damn if there are scars back there.]

Edited 2012-09-01 07:33 (UTC)

[Oh, wow. Eridan would be the first one to admit he wasn't exactly the most skillful when it came to social interactions. But even a certified social wallpaper flower like him could tell that shit was not okay with Equius. Like. At all.

When the other troll not only pushed into the hug but actually returned it, Eridan found himself feeling kind of utterly fucking lost. He wasn't really sure how to make it better. He only knew he wanted to make it better, and that it was all his fucking fault. Carefully, half scared of hurting him or making it worse, Eridan ran a hand along Equius' back, attempting to be comforting.]

I'm so sorry, Eq, it's not your fault. Honest.

[Careful to avoid Equius' horns, which were far more impressive and easy-to-gore-oneself-with, Eridan pressed the words against the side of Equius' head.]

I'm so sorry I made you mad, hon.

[As Eridan's hand moves down his spine, Equius presses his head harder into that shoulder, and the body language is clear. "Don't leave me." To say that he was clinging to this boy would be an absolute understatement; if Eridan wanted to get up for anything during this time, he would find himself pretty much incapable, because for all the lack of muscle, there's a lot of mass in a six-foot-tall body, and all of it is being used to keep Eridan Ampora right here.]

[Also, if you listen hard, Eridan, you can hear his pan creaking from out his ears.]

...can't.

[Can't can't can't can't can't. All he's ever tried to do. Everyone present knows that is a completely bullshit response, even him.]

i can't be mad. i can't.

[He sounds very-- no, not even 'close'. He's whining and hollow and if a wail could be translated into a whisper, that would be what it sounds like.]

Edited 2012-09-01 08:12 (UTC)

[The good news is that Eridan is obviously not going anywhere. Seeing that Equius isn't throwing his touch off, he continues, following the curve of his spine over and over again.]

...why not? Everyone's mad at some point, and if someone's given you a reason to be pissed off as fuck is me.

[And then, well. Then he knows what he ought to say and he tries to say it convincingly, but it's still such a lie:]

It's okay if you hate me. It's okay if you're mad at me. I know I am.

because i can't.

[Helpful, as usual. It's unclear whether he means that he 'can't' in the sense that it's not acceptable, or that he has actually managed to delude himself into thinking that he cannot feel anger at all.]

...i-i-it's bad and it's horrible and people get hurt.

[Special emphasis is placed on the last word, in the form of a horrible high-pitched noise that sounds kind of like a sob. The people getting hurt in this case, if you couldn't tell, is Eridan. God, he doesn't want anyone else to get hurt. Why do people have to get hurt?]

i'm sorry. i'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

[Eridan tightened his hold around Equius, letting out a shuddering breath. This hit... uncomfortably close to home for the jadeblood.]

Please don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for.

[He sneaked a hand into Equius' hair, petting him the same way he'd done, last time they'd gone movie watching. Slow, carding the strands with his claws.]

No one got hurt, hon, it's okay.

[No one that matters, he means. Because Eridan knows that Eridan doesn't matter, in the great scale of things. So it's okay.]

[action whoa whoa whoa, hitting on the black quadrant like that, how shameless]

[action oh did you want to go the other way instead]

[action I am a wilting flower, your STRONG advances are more than I can handle]

[action you are a wilting pile of bullshit is what you are]

[action but it's your favorite type of bullshit, don't lie]

[action I will not lie. you are my favorite kind.]

[action I do strive to please, yes...]

[action I suddenly feel deeply and personally threatened]

[action oh baby, don't flatter me]

[action I will flatter you in whichever mildly unsettling manner I wish]

[action oh baby, how could I resist you]

[action you can't]

[action good thing i don't want to either B3]

[action tee hee]

[action rawr, literally]

[action mee-yoohfuck]

[action and there you go, twisting the knife right in the feelings]

[action this is a shitty tag, I'm sorry]

[action look at my baby, you broke his heart]

[action yeah he does that sometimes]

[action equius zahhak, professional heartbreaker?]

[action equius zahhak, professional dumbass who keeps giras up past their bedtime]

[action fi sees nothing wrong with this]

[action fi can go take her fucking waffleshipping and die in a hole]

[action but will there be waffles there?]