animus_network

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I think I'd better say this before anything worse happens.

If you are particularly religious, particularly if you are Mesian, Christian, Jewish, or anyone else who would be offended talking to someone who had killed YHVH back home, please tell me in this post and then we can just not talk to each other and save ourselves a lot of trouble.

We're fighting the administrators, not each other.

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[He can't refuse that demand, and so when the video turns on, Aleph is meeting the camera's gaze with a calm expression.]

It's me.

Aleph...

*It's a long moment before Enoch says anything again. Aleph had seemed so unassuming. A friendly man with an unusual name, a history of loss and a poor singer's ear.

And everything he could ask, how?, why? either needed no answer or had it already, his mouth closing before uttering each. Nothing he could say would change anything, would make him feel any better.

Can't condone it, can't condemn it. Can't dissociate (never can). Still feeling vaguely ill.*

I...

*He can only shake his head, slowly, as if it was too heavy.*

...Perhaps you'd better have a moment to yourself. I'll wait.

*Even if he waits, will he know what to say?*

What is there to say?*

There's nothing to say. I... *With that heavy feeling all through his torso, let alone the tightness in his throat, it's hard to draw a deep enough breath to speak.* ...I understand, but...

That's more than I can ask of anyone. [If he were in Beth or Zayin's place, he wouldn't have accepted this.]

*Understanding isn't acceptance. Understanding isn't forgiveness. He doesn't think he could ever forgive Aleph this, even knowing the circumstances.

But then, conversely, lack of forgiveness isn't lack of understanding, and the presence of anger is not the absence of sympathy.*

I'm sorry you had to be born into such a world. But even knowing this...I can't condone it.

I don't want anyone to condone it. I just don't want people to waste their anger and energy on me when there are people we both should be fighting.

*It's a bit late to ask for his anger to be directed somewhere else...well. If one can count that mess of emotion going on right now as anger.

He's still shaking when he looks up.*

You can't ask that no one be angry with you.

Just their energy then.

*Enoch nods and swallows heavily.* You can be assured I won't attack you.

Thank you.

*It takes a little pause for him to say something again.* I'm sorry. I...

*Where are the words? Everything's still eclipsed by the storm of emotion.*

You don't need to apologize to me.

....I need time to myself after all.

*He turns off the video feed. Maybe he'll spend today away from the terminal instead of watching his post. But not too far - reading might calm him. Or he hopes it will.*

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