animus_network | 009 ♑ [ninth honk/text]

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009 ♑ [ninth honk/text]

y'all motherfuckers be thinking you all be getting your motherfuckin sneaky on at a brother.
AIN'T BEEN UP AND MOTHER FUCKING COUNTING ON ALL THEM EXTRASENSORIES WHAT I MOTHERFUCKIN GOT.
sensories what be allowing me the knowing on shit being fucking plotted before i motherfuckin get to be encountering at it.
THEM PETTY FUCKIN SCHEMES YOURS AIN'T GONNA BE PLAYING THE FUCK OUT WHAT ALL THE MOTHER FUCKING WAY YOU BE WANTING THEM TO.

i ain't gonna motherfucking eat it.
I MOTHER FUCKING AIN'T GONNA MOTHERFUCKING PUT ANY MOTHER FUCKING THING IN BETWEEN THESE MOTHERFUCKING LIPS NO MOTHERFUCKING MORE.
you ain't gonna win, motherfuckers.
YOU AIN'T GONNA MOTHERFUCKING WIN.
i ain't joining the traveling motherfuckin circus all at the hands of you motherfuckers.
I GO BY MY OWN FUCKIN HAND.
or i stay on this fucking fairground til what last mother fucking tent be razed.

SEND YOUR MOTHER FUCKING MOBS, MAY THEY AIN'T NEVER MOTHER FUCKING FIND WHERE I BE HID.
ain't got a single motherfuck to give on culling you all what come near.
BREAK THE TONGS FROM YOUR MOTHER FUCKING PITCHFORKS TO SHOVE THEM STRAIGHT IN EACH YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYE JELLIES.
use them fuckin torches yours burning bright to scald the bubbly hide from your mother fucking bones.
YOU AIN'T GONNA SAVE NO ONE BY GETTING YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SLAUGHTER ON AT ME.
only lead your riotous selves to your mother fucking deaths.

I BE NOW WITH THE WORLD AT MY FUCKIN FLAP RAISING HELL UP AGAINST ME.
all you bitches what's i once thought chill be fuckin shovin your knives in my mother fucking spine.
BUT AIN'T WORTH BEIN SOUR OVER FUCKIN THAT TRAITOROUS NOISE.
i will stand a motherfucking lone on all your motherfuckin corpses like what i all was meant to in the first mother fucking place.

I WILL MOTHER FUCKING SHOW EVERY MOTHERFUCKER HOW MUCH A FUCKIN DANGER TO YOU ALL I MOTHERFUCKING AM.

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I'm not sure.

[ That's what he is trying to figure out. It felt kinda stupid to be upset over something Gamzee was unable to control. He didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but for some reason it still bothered him. Just a little. Maybe it had to do with his exhaustion, and feeling sick is not really helping either.

It happens, right? It could be one of those days where everything sucks and nothing works out. So it's not really about Gamzee and what happened last night. Maybe.

On a positive note, the panic episode seems to be over.

He sniffled and attempted to smile a little, giving Gamzee's hand a gentle squeeze. ]

You are no longer suspicious, right? Kinda went crazy on me and accused me of trying to hurt you. Heh. Man, I wish that's all you accused me of ...

[ Tavros used his free hand to scratch at the back of his ear, trying to appear casual, but it's not working out as well as he thought. ]

But, I suppose you didn't mean it. So ... we should forget about it, yeah?

...

[There's silence for a long time as Gamzee focuses his sights on everything except for Tavros' face. Gone were the first unassuming free passes Tavros had given him when he'd first hurt him. He was realizing just what a shit-faced nutjob Gamzee truly was, and he was not going to be as forgiving with the clown's bullshit antics as he once had been. "The power of friendship" was turning out not to be a cure-all for his grade-A psycho crap.]

[After a great while, Gamzee lets out a deep, raspy sigh, punctuated by a few sudden coughs at the end.]

Heh.

[He tried a small laugh. Tried a sheepish smile. It just wasn't working. Tavros deserved to know just how much crap Gamzee was dragging him through. He'd tried to tell him before, but maybe now that he'd gotten acclimated to it a little, he would understand more. The weak excuse for a smile faded from his lips, and he took another deep breath in.]

Maybe, uh... Maybe not this fuckin' time, huh?

[It was hard to push himself to talk about this, especially since he hardly knew what he was going to say - he didn't know anything about himself, or anything about his craziness that would make it easy to explain. He was still trying to fucking figure it out himself, for Christ's sake.]

[He just... had to start. Just start talking and maybe it would come easier.]

'Cause I, uh... Like, I know you know, but I, like...

[Ugh, what!? He swallowed.]

I ain't right. Up all in the motherfuckin' nugways. Plain and simple as mother fucking pie, is how that shit all is, brother.

[Yeah, he'd condemned himself. He'd explain this until he was blue in the face, but this time, it just seemed a little more blunt. More bare.]

Guess it all's the way I was up and supposed to fuckin' be running all a motherfuckin' long or some noise all fucking like that. Get the bloodthirsties comin' in my pump biscuit and the wicked word spewin' harsh in my inner aural clots and I just--

[He squeezed Tavros' hand abruptly, lifting his head (as abruptly) to finally look at him.]

Do nasty fuckin' work. All the time what's when I get the concede on to them darkest urges is nasty work from these motherfuckin' hands, bro. Ain't wanting all to be real about it 'cause I ain't been wanting to get my motherfucking acknowledge on all at it.

Know I flowed all most of this fuckin' noise from out my wordflap what's all before, but, uh.

You all...

[Ugh. Gamzee leaned closer, bringing Tavros' hand up with his to rest all three on top of the boy's knees. He placed his chin gently atop the pile, making it harder for him to try and look away from Tavros.]

You all were being the last motherfuckin' thing what made me feel like my fuckin' self what's was not as all crazy as what I'm now. Got me thinkin' that I could all, like... go back. Just spend time with you, brother, and I all could be the me what didn't fuck shit up quite as motherfuckin' much all as what I do now.

But that shit fuckin' wasn't lasting all motherfucking like I thought it was gonna.

Dunno all what if that whole noise just fuckin' previous was all being as a result of them experimental boss bitches, or the nug of my fuckin' own, but it ain't matter much.

What all matter be what I up and went to fuckin' did at you, bro. You ain't saying what you're all certain on if I went to put the hurt on at your ass or not, but the way you say it say different, motherfucker.

You tell me what all I did fuckin' wrong.

[He looked down - knowing Tavros could either leave him right here, or forgive him yet again. He was, by now, pretty numb to whatever fate awaited him - placing a kiss on the hand he held before looking weakly back up.]

And I'll do what all I ever fucking can to be fixing it up all motherfuckin' right.

Edited 2012-12-26 07:48 (UTC)

[ Tavros swallowed thickly. He could feel a lump in his throat, and suddenly it was very difficult to breathe and speak. A part of him wished that Gamzee had ignored his pathetic whines instead of reaching out to him because ... yeah, he just dragged himself into a confrontation.

Gamzee had probably misunderstood the situation and assumed Tavros's fears were based on his unpredictable temper. If only he knew the true reason is far more embarrassing and pitiful. Tavros didn't want to look at him, not when he was leaning so close to his face; it somehow made everything even more challenging. However, Gamzee is not really giving him much of an option here. Not when he is holding into his hand and trying to make everything right.

Perhaps he should stop scratching on his ear now, his overgrown claws left his skin irritated and flushed, so close to breaking it with the constant friction. With a deep inhale, he allowed his arm to drop to his side, attempting to return their eye contact.

Still hesitant, Tavros finally spoke. ]

It's just ... you keep doubting me.

[ There's a pause before he returned toying with his ear. Honestly, it was so much easier to keep himself busy while having this conversation. He didn't want to get too nervous and stumble over his words. Keeping his hand busy seemed to help ease down the uneasiness, but he couldn't hide the slight shimmer in his eyes as he looked at Gamzee again. ]

I was a little upset when you said that I was, uh, pretending to have feelings for you, and it's all a lie. You said it's all a lie, and ... it really hurts, you know?

I feel like I always have to prove myself to you, and ..

[ His voice turns a little shaky now. ]

… It is terrifying because it kinda looks like you're searching for a reason to push me away. It’s like … no matter what I do, you will always doubt how I feel about you. You will always come up with an excuse to be alone.

And I don’t want you to be alone, Gamzee.

[ He said a little too much. Tavros tried to relax, leaning his head back against the wall, staring down at the highblood miserably. ]

I always knew there is something different about you. I’m pretty sure everyone knows, but they chose to deal with it in their own way. Regardless, you were ... so kind to me, and I still don’t get it to be completely honest. Haha. But, it's no surprise that you became so special to me.

[ He reached out and gently placed his hand on Gamzee’s head, running his fingers through his hair and chuckling a bit when it got all tangled in his locks. How uncool, but his smile is surprisingly warm. ]

Bro, I don't care if you're crazy. Just as long as you don't push me away, or hide from me.

Uh...

[He didn't know how to react to that. I don't want you to be alone. Well... of course he'd known that. I mean, if Tavros wanted him to be alone, he wouldn't be here right now. But still... Seeing it and hearing it outright were two very different things. Gamzee tried to process all of this, leaning his cheek against the hand pile as Tavros spoke. The hand through his hair was soothing, even if it did get caught a few times.]

[What could he say? He'd promised he would fix whatever he'd done, but what was he to say to that? He certainly hadn't realized he'd been doing it... had he? Well, onething was for sure, he didn't think about the fact that doubting Tavros' feelings for him was essentially doubting Tavros himself. He was acting like everyone else had towards the boy. Again. Gamzee circled his thin arms around Tavros' legs, catching his other hand, now, so he would stop scratching himself.]

I dunno what all exactly noise I'm fuckin' being able to throw down what will make that right, bro. Not sure I can be making no excuse for that shit. Never was meaning to motherfuckin' insinuate what you ain't got feelings pure for my motherfucking ass. Just...

Just. ...I dunno, man.

[He chewed on his lip, trying to figure it out for himself before trying to explain it to Tavros.]

Guess I'm still in a place where I can't be all even thinking this is real, you know? Been fucked with so much times up in this motherfuckin' bitch it be all like ain't nothing what goes right be really what it motherfucking seem.

[That wasn't quite it, but it was the best explanation he could seem to find.]

I ain't gonna lie and say I ain't fuckin' baffled about why all you still be sticking with a brother, dog.

But...

It ain't no lie neither to fuckin' up and say that I ain't probably the happiest motherfucker in this shithole 'cause on it.

[Now having both of Tavros' hands, he brought them up to his lips and placed another kiss on them both. He was just going to have to trust in this miracle. It wasn't like him to question the acts of fate, and he'd been quite blasphemous in that way, recently.]

Been hard to get my believings on at fuckin' anything no more, brother. If there's one thing I ain't wanting to lose fuckin' gracious faiths in, though, it be motherfucking you.

[He swallowed, tightening his hold around those legs.]

I believe you, bro. And I all fuckin' be believing in you.

...And I'm sorry.

Honk.

[ It still ... hurts.

His heart kept racing even when Gamzee was doing a good job in being truthful with him, and that's what he wanted out of the highblood. He believed him as well. Every single word, and he already accepted his apology. It's just ... Tavros wondered if it will always be this way.

Nothing is stable in the tower, and he knew it only takes one experiment and everything they worked so hard to build comes crashing down. It just seemed they will spend more time in re-building their relationship, and he was fine with that, but ... he felt in some point Gamzee might want to stop trying, and that scared him more than anything.

Regardless of the warning signs, common sense and everything, Tavros decided to take in one final deep inhale and allow his shoulders to drop. ]

... It's okay, Gamzee.

[ He looked tired and he made no attempt to smile. He didn't plan to be fake with the highblood anymore, and he wouldn't do anything unless he felt like it. However, he took it upon himself to lean over and press his lips against Gamzee's forehead.

It was a gentle, reassuring kiss that seemed to last for hours. When he finally pulled away, he was able to put on a real smile. ]

We're going to be okay. Right?

You won't doubt me anymore because I promise that I won't give you any reason for it. I know there's a lot of things that I need to learn about you, but ... I will do whatever in my power to be there for you.

Just be yourself, okay? Talk to me. Trust me. I will always love you. No doubt, brother.

[He was prepared for anything to come out of Tavros' mouth. He was least of all prepared for that thing to be an apology, followed by them being placed against his forehead. It was the first time those lips had touched any part of his face, and he'd be a fucking liar if he said that, despite these trying circumstances, his cheeks didn't start on fire from it.]

[It's okay. It's okay, it's okay, Gamzee.]

[He closed his eyes, wrapping his fingers around Tavros' forearms and trying to find some calm - focused on the point of heat that remained on his forehead. He was a little disappointed to have that sensation taken away, but the disappointment was squashed as soon as he saw a smile back on the boy's face.]

[He couldn't answer for a while. He was trying to focus. He was getting over a sickness, his pan wasn't right. He was fine. He was good without the sopor, he was getting better, but this was a lot of emotions to try and handle at once.]

[You don't deserve this you don't deserve this HE DOESN'T

DESERVE YOU

the shitblood has no right

SHUT HIS DIRTY MOUTH

REND THE TONGUE HERETICAL OUT HIS PEASANT MOUTH]

Yeah!!!

[His fingers clamped tighter around Tavros' arms, and he swung his head up to meet those eyes with a smile of his own.]

Ain't you all just the best motherfucker what ever was to be existing?

Ain't you all fuckin' just.

[He said it softly, loosening his grip and running the pads of his fingertips apologetically over the warm skin there.]

I fuckin' trust in you, Tavros. Never ever had a solitary motherfuckin' doubt in you on anything fucking else. I... I, uh.

[He let a breath pass through his nose. What could he say that he hadn't already said a thousand times? How many more excuses could he come up with for his behavior?]

I don't wanna motherfuckin' hurt you. Like, ever, and shit... you know? I just, I...

[There weren't any more excuses. Tavros didn't deserve more excuses anyway. He just deserved change. Gamzee lowered his head to the arms he held, speaking into them.]

I'll motherfuckin' love you too, bro. I mean like, for always always? 'Cause like... I always fuckin' have? But, you motherfuckin' be all having your know on of that shit already, probably.

[He was uncharacteristically timid, now. It was almost as if Tavros had heard all of the screaming in his head. He was doing his best to make it up to the boy for it. Surely he'd known the way Gamzee had felt about him this whole time - it's not like he made it very subtle.]

[ The long pause between his words and Gamzee's, the troubled look on his face and the firm grasp on his arm were the warning signs.

It was just too obvious.

His smile didn't last for long and he watched Gamzee miserably. He didn't understand why he pitied him when he was supposed to be fearful of him instead. The lowblood is nowhere as brave as he pretends to be, and he would always be the first to raise the white flag and turn on his heels to safety. But, with Gamzee, even when the logical voice in his head warned him repeatedly to walk away from this, he felt drawn to him instead. Why though?

He couldn't help Gamzee. No one could.

In all honesty, he can assume this is the start toward the worst, but ... if he could ever manage to get a smile on the highblood's face, it's a good enough reason for him to stick around. Gosh, he owes him so much. So damn much. Tavros was so stupid for not noticing how much of a support Gamzee had been in his life, and he took him for granted. ]

I never knew ... that you were in love with me. I mean, before your confession and all.

I didn't know. I didn't notice ...

[ I was stupid.

It didn't matter right now. They had this discussion before, and Tavros had already promised himself and the highblood that he will make it up to him. He didn't know why he felt like this is the only time he can actually participate in an honest, serious conversation with Gamzee. Maybe because he is finally talking to him. Speaking his mind and being truthful. Tavros couldn't let such an opportunity slip and even with the sensitivity of his next inquiry, the lowblood didn't hesitate at all.

He returns their eye contact, trying to be as gentle as possible. ]

You say you don't want to hurt me. Does that mean you thought ... about hurting me?

I'm not ... trying to make you feel bad or anything. I just ... I need to know.

Don't motherfuckin' matter none, hahaha.

[He swallowed, waving his hand a little. The past was the past, whatever. Never look back. It was easy to think, but when you were someone who never looked forward, sometimes back was the only place you had left.]

Never fuckin' did. All what be mattering now be right motherfucking now, mmm?

[It was still difficult, but there was a feeling that they might get out of this mess okay. If he just didn't fuck up any more, it would be okay.]

[...]

[Fuck.]

[He would never think about hurting Tavros. Ever! Ever. Those... those things in his head, they weren't him. ...Were they? He'd never really thought about it before. They were in his head but were they him? What difference did it make? They were always bitching and yelling and sometimes he listened to them and sometimes he yelled at them to shut up and sometimes he tried his best to ignore them, much like now.]

[Were they his thoughts, though? Maybe if he focused on Tavros, he could find out if the source of that maliciousness was coming from h--]

[Why the fuck would he want to find that out!? Without breaking their eye contact, Gamzee's mouth fell into a scowl.]

I wouldn't motherfuckin' never be allowin' such thoughts of that nature at you, motherfucker.

[ He stares at Gamzee for a very long time, and just when all hope is lost in getting an answer out of the lowblood, he exhaled. ]

Okay.

[ ... It's not really okay.

It worried Tavros greatly, but ... he still wanted to be with him, and he refused to analyze his own logic behind it. He was far too tired and stubborn.

He released his hands, shifting a little so that he had their foreheads pressed against each other. Despite the close proximity, Tavros tried to maintain their eye contact as he cupped Gamzee's cheeks, keeping his voice low. ]

Okay, so here's the deal ...

You will stop hiding from me, and I will try to understand you better.

[ He pulls away just enough to leave a small kiss on one of Gamzee's cheeks, and then he returned to leaning on his forehead again. ]

I think we should start from there. Well, that's my opinion ....

What do you think, bro?

[The hands around Gamzee's cheeks were warm. Warm right through the paint and up under his skin until his eyes were heavy and his mouth drew into a languid smile. Tavros was still wanting him, after all of the shit he pulled. He was so relieved and so tired.]

[All he could feel was warm, and safe, and everything he hadn't felt not one night earlier. Tavros made it so simple... stop hiding.]

Mmn, I ain't never all wanting to fuckin' be anywhere what's isn't by where you is, motherfucker. Fuckin' all thinkin' that be a wicked good place to start.

[It was... surprisingly, not a lie. Even when Gamzee was hiding, even when he wanted to be alone, he really would rather be right here. Sometimes you just feel like you have no other choice than to run away. It's easier to face your fuckups if you just don't face them entirely. Keep moving forward, never look back. As brash, unorthodox, uninhibited, and unrestrained as Gamzee was, none of it would ever change the fact that, deep down, he was a coward.]

...I hide when I get scared.

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009 ♑ [ninth honk/text]

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