animus_network | [video] Third Remembrance

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[video] Third Remembrance

[Almost as soon as Ryoji awakes and finds himself back to normal, he searches for the nearest terminal and switches it on. It's late, it's unlikely that anyone will hear this but... he needs to get it out somehow.

His face is pale, and for a moment, he almost looks like he's still wearing that terrifying mask. His bloodshot eyes, though, are there, are real eyes, not empty holes of darkness.

It takes him quite a few minutes before he gets up the courage to speak, and he doesn't have that booming voice anymore, either. This voice is just shaky... and sad.]

... Nyx is not a malevolent being. She only exists to give mankind what they all desire, deep in their hearts. She believes any man keeps this want a secret, hidden from the rest of the world and even himself.

B-But it's still there. The want for death.

It seems that this Tower is indestructible, and therefore Nyx could not bring down the Fall... I think she thought that there must be a way to end it, that she just wasn't seeing it. She thought that... maybe if people didn't want to die yet, then she'd make them want it...

[Ryoji lowers his head for a moment, eyes scrunched together as he lets out a pained sigh.]

That's not an excuse. I shouldn't be defending her-we...

I shouldn't be defending myself. I'm truly sorry. If anyone was harmed, please let me know. I'll do my best to make it up to you.

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...Nyx is still inside me.

[He doesn't feel like he needs to say much else. Those from his old world will know what he expects, and if they don't, maybe that will give Ryoji more of a chance to convince them. The feed shuts off.]

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[Ryoji takes a few deep breaths, listening, yet not listening, just trying not to let the words affect him emotionally.]

...I'm till sorry he toyed with your memories, y-your feelings, like that. If I did that to others, I certainly need to make it up to them.

[Ryoji looks up just to catch the bow, and for a moment, he smiles a little, softly, before bowing a bit himself.]

And my name is Ryoji Mochizuki. I... go by Thanatos occasionally. It's good to meet you too, Lancer-san.

[He would of course prefer to be called Ryoji, but he felt he should get everything out now, in case anything bad happens again.]

[Lancer nods.]

Do what you feel you must, Ryoji, but do it with a clear mind so that you don't make any mistakes. Good intentions can sometimes go bad if they are not thought all the way through.

But please, call me Diarmuid. There is no need to be so formal, and there is actually another servant who as been in the tower longer than I have who already uses Lancer as his name. Since he has someone to protect, I let him keep his true name a secret. I have no master right now and my war is over. I have no need to hide who I am.

I'll do my best. I understand that sometimes I rush into things... I get too worried to wait. But I don't want to make any more mistakes.

...Diarmuid-san. You and this other are servants?

[He winces a bit after he asks the question. How stupid of him to think Lancer would trust him.]

[Lancer nods again, ignoring the boy's wince. Since the war is over for him, he feels no need to be secretive.]

Yes, while he and I aren't from the same war, we both come from what are called Holy Grail Wars. We were called back into life to fight for a wish on the Holy Grail. Those who call us are titled masters, while those of us called are titled servants.

[He laughs a little nervously.]

Honestly, it's a lot more complicated than that, but there is no war here. Why bore you with the details? Unless you really want to know them that is. Please, feel free to ask all you want. I have nothing to hide.

So... you're all dead, but you can come back to life. Strange...

[Ryoji knows that cheating death can't be a good thing. He's not going to complain, of course, but there's a time for everything.]

Do you stay alive after the war is done? I-It's a weird question, I know, you're still here...

[But Ryoji had come back to life when he arrived here. It's possible for it to happen with others, right?]

[And here is where it starts getting complicated. Lancer shakes his head as he tries to figure out the best way to describe things.]

I don't know if what we are given really can be called life, It is just a simplification. I'm not really the soul of Diarmuid Ua Duibhne. I am a magically created copy only meant to survive as long as the war is in progress.

[He pauses a moment considering something.]

I suppose if a servant really wanted to remain in the world, they could use their wish on the grail to remain and gain some kind of true life. The same could go if their master wanted them to stay, but most end up returning to the Throne of Heroes afterward and are....erased.

[A dark uncertainty enters his eyes.]

I shouldn't be here. I died. I should have been erased like all the others...

A copy... that's not fair to you. To be summoned and used like that...

[Oh, but the rest of that seems quite familiar. Ryoji meets Diarmuid's eyes, that same dark look apparent in him. It takes him a moment to even choke out the words. It's as if saying them will jink the both of them.]

I should be dead too. I was dead for... I can't even count how long. It could have been days, but it could have been centuries.

W-When I woke up here, it was... surprising, to say the least.

Yes, it is surprising to wake up from what is suppose to be final darkness into something else.

[Lancer's expression softens and he wishes he could be wherever the boy is so that he could comfort him with more than just words. Unfortunately, words are all he has at the moment.]

Even with the recent experiment and all the pain it has caused me, I find myself in a weird spot. I'm alive when I shouldn't be. I have a chance to do something to help people. I have meet those I never thought I would see again.

I guess what I am trying to say is, even with how bad the tower is and how horrible what they do to us is, this is better than that nothingness. If they make us do bad things during an experiment, we just need to fight back the pain and do more to help make up for that. Someone told me for people like us who only have death waiting if we leave, this is our home now. We need to do the best we can to protect those who have something to go back to so that when they can finally go back, they go back just as whole as they can possible be.

Edited 2013-01-23 03:53 (UTC)

[Ryoji smiles a little, but it's obvious it doesn't reach his eyes. He wants to believe what Diarmuid has to say, but it's so hard to believe someone like him can help rather than harm.]

It... would be nice if I could help people... And I suppose being alive again is a wonderful experience.

It's just that it's more than I truly deserve. I do not deserve another chance, or a home, or a chance to see my old friends. Nyx was nothingness. I was destined to be part of her. I should be left in darkness now.

Edited 2013-01-24 02:11 (UTC)

Do you really wish that?

[Diarmuid tilts his head slightly, remembering that not long ago someone else had asked him a very similar question.]

Don't tell me what you are expected to want or what you think Nyx would have wanted. Tell me what you want. If you wish to help people, then what is stopping you? Things change. Times change. There is not one of us who thought we would end up in a place like this. What we used to think was our destiny is no more.

You can't let your previous perceptions of what you thought your should be doing control what you are doing now.

I...

[Ryoji's really left at a loss for words. Thinking about what he wants? That's something he hasn't done in a long time. His own wants seem to mix with others' wants and then he can't even tell what is really his anymore. His friends are what matters, why should he matter?

But even that thought process reminds him that he wants friends. He wouldn't call people his friends if he was just thinking about what he deserved...]

It's hard to know what I want. I just want people to be happy. Their desires are mine. That's all.

[Lancer smiles for that sounds very familiar.]

I won't fault you for that. I, too, want people to be happy. It is my main focus and goal in life. However in your focus to help them, don't miss that you are also helping yourself. Just because your want is to help others, don't mean it's not doing anything for you. It's your want, after all, isn't it?

I have had people tell me to be more selfish here, to think and do more for myself as if I don't do anything for myself already. I do, though. Every time I do something to help another or make them happy, I am also making myself happy.

That makes a lot of sense. I feel happy just seeing others smile. Being able to spend time with them, and experience new things with them... if they let me be near them, there's nothing more I'd rather do.

...I know that doesn't sound like helping them, but I hope that giving someone a friend helps. And if helping them means staying away... I-I can do that too.

[He knows he sounds contradictory. He somehow got up the courage to say what he really wanted, but he wasn't confident enough to stand by that, not confident enough to stop second guessing himself and putting everyone else before him.]

Everyone needs friends whether they realize it or not. That is why being a friend is so important, so don't ever say that isn't helping them.

[Lancer pauses, thinking back to the experiment. Perhaps the only joy he'd had during that time had been when Labrys had reminded him that she was still his friend and cared about him.]

Just don't assume that they don't want you around, though. I made that mistake during the experiment and that really made things worse on me. I know you wish to learn and experience new things, but believe me, there is no need to learn that the hard way. Friends will tell you when they need space. Believe me, that is less often than you might think.

...It's nice of you to think that people would want me around. I'd like to be friends with people again, like I was before I remembered what I am...

I-If it helps, I think you're a very good friend as well, Diarmuid-san. And you've helped a lot of people, including me. So thank you.

[He's a little embarrassed to say it, but he's still smiling warmly and honestly.]

[Diarmuid smiles at him. The smile is both kind and grateful.]

It is kind of you to say such a thing. See, you are a good friend. You just need to believe in that and let that be your guide. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. I would be honored if you would consider me such. If you ever need to talk, I will be glad to be here to remind you just how good a friend you are.

[Ryoji is practically overwhelmed. He wants to tell himself not to agree to this, that he'll hurt someone... but the feeling of just pure happiness is enough to combat that for now.]

Then... then friends! I'd like to talk to you more. It would be really nice of you to let me.

[Lancer's answering smile is soft and kind.]

You can talk to me whenever you would like and if you need anything, find me and I will help you. I'm in room 4-16, though how often I will be there I don't know. There are advantages to being a servant. Not having to sleep until the tower makes me is one of them. However, I do check into the room often, so if you need to leave me a note or whatever, that is fine.

Then I'll leave a note. I live just down the hall, in 4-12, actually, so you can come there if you need anything. I-I'd like to help.

[He feels a little awkward, asking someone likely much older than him (at least appearance wise) to trust him for assistance, but Ryoji's hopeful that he might listen.]

[Diarmuid nods with a smile.]

4-12, you are indeed close. I will remember that.

[He bows his head toward the terminal camera.]

Now if you don't mind, I have several people I need to find and talk to. I...owe them apologies for how I acted toward them during the experiment, but please remember what I told you and seek me out if you need anything.

A-Ah, right. I understand. I want to apologize as well. So... thank you. I'll talk to you again sometime.

[At least he hopes. He's still nervous about actually seeking help, but he wouldn't mind a friend.]

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[video] Third Remembrance

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Now if only Lancer could apply this advice to himself... X.x

I-If it helps, Ryoji's gonna have some trouble accepting it too.

Thank you Catarina...

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