animus_network | eight ♓ video;

[Feferi generally manages a smile for the network, even when things aren't going well. This time? She's not even trying to smile. She looks a mess now, though. Her hair's unkempt, like she's been tearing her hands through it, and she looks like she's thrown herself on the ground and cried for a while, then come back to one of the terminals and continued to cry.]

Ruana, you bitch. You took away - you - you -

[She breaks down in sobs again, finally catching her breath after a minute.]

There's a fresh grave with my matesprit's name on it and there are hearts everywhere. You are just throwing all of this crap right in my face, and it's probably giving you some sick kind of enjoyment. You probably watched when I went down there and cried and screamed and you laughed.

I don't care what you did to me last month and how it was supposed to teach me that I couldn't get past you or something. After the crap you pulled at the wedding and after you did this?

I will be hoping that you find someone and develop feelings for them. And then? I will hope that something happens to them, so that when you cry? I can find you and kick you when you're down. Over and over and over again, in your fucking face.

[The threat doesn't seem to help. Feferi just breaks down into tears again, hugging herself loosely until she composes herself enough to speak again]

I...I need some time. I'm sorry, to anyone I said I'd go exploring with. I just...I can't do it. Not now.

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["Ruana, you bitch."]

[That was the first thing Equius heard walking out of his dorm room today. Normally it wouldn't bother him; in fact, if anyone were to refer to that particular admin with a derogatory name, he would be inclined to agree. What caused him to stop in surprise was the voice that said it in the first place. He could recognize that voice, by now, as belonging to two people. One owner, if this agitated, would probably kill him if she saw him and was therefore worth avoiding. But that owner would have called Ruana some kind of tree instead. Couldn't be her. So...]

[...oh god.]

[Equius knew enough to realize that Feferi was making a video post right now, so he kept to his corner, silently out of the camera's view. It would be rude to interrupt. Still, as he listened, things got very serious very fast. He knew about Feferi's matespritship with the human, of course; Equius had been the one to educate Genda on troll relationships in the first place, and had talked to him a few other times besides. If Feferi absolutely had to get herself involved with a human, then he supposed Genda would be a good choice.]

[But now he was gone. And there was clearly a Feferi here, a Feferi who was always kind and compassionate beyond all reasonable expectations, cursing the Tower through fits of sobbing. Oh no. There are so many things wrong with this. So many things.]

[So after the recording ends, and a good few seconds past that to let Feferi compose herself, Equius walks over to her terminal. He makes no attempt to hide his footsteps.]

[Feferi doesn't get very composed after she stops the recording. Saying all of that really didn't make her feel better in the way that she thought it might. She had been hoping for some kind of...something. An answer, a reason to turn her anger and hurt into something else, something.

But as it was, the silence was just another stab at her when she was down. She stood there for a moment, hugging herself, and debating whether she wanted to run straight back to that grave, flinging herself back on it and crying.

The footsteps were what stopped her. Feferi looked up, then turned, tears in her eyes.]

I can't believe he's gone...

[He didn't really expect her to, frankly. But it seemed like a good idea in case she wanted to... go running off or something. Then he would feel pretty bad for trying to stop her. But she hasn't flown the coop yet, so here goes. Equius walks a bit closer to her, having kept his distance before -- but she didn't really seem like she needed distance right now.]

[Instead, he stands in front of her for a moment, trying to think of something to say and failing miserably at it. What could he say? Sorry about that matesprit of yours? Wow, I'd feel terrible if that happened to me? No. God, those were all horrible. After he's gone through just about every response to this that he can think of, Equius eventually caves. And just wraps his arms around her shoulders instead.]

[No. Distance is about the last thing she wants right now, and there really aren't a whole lot of words. None of them that don't suck, anyway.

What she really needed about then was a hug, and Feferi hugs back, trying not to cry too much. She's not really succeeding at that too well, but she's trying her best.]

[Oh, Fef. Oh Fef. Oh Fef, Fef, Fef.]

[It doesn't really matter anymore, what her blood color is, or who she was in another life. There's a crying girl here who's just lost her matesprit, a decent man, and that's not at all okay. Equius is much taller than her already, but fortunately he's no stranger to hugging short people. So let him just. Duck his head down, holding her closer with one arm and kind of rubbing the back of her head with the other.]

Sh. It's alright. It's alright.

[It takes a minute, but Feferi manages to pull herself together a little bit. Those sobs come down to sniffles, and she takes a couple of shaky breaths before finally letting Equius go.]

'm still sorry. I - I'm just not handling this all that well. I was hoping it was just a bad dream, but it's not. That grave down there is too real. It's just wrong.

You're handling it really well.

[Seriously, you are. Just look at Equius. If this happened to him, he'd do a lot of things that he really would not be proud of in the morning. You're pretty much a hero among people who've lost matesprits to the Tower, Feferi. Really. When Feferi pulls away, he lets her go reluctantly.]

If... if you want to come closer again, or something, that's fine. I don't mind.

If flinging myself on that grave and bawling then coming back here and threatening the admins is handling it well. I...I shouldn't be falling apart like this because he wouldn't want me to. I should just...just move on, but I can't. Not yet.

[Yeah, she was going to anyway. Fresh tears are welling up, and so she hugs him again.]

...Well, the alternative is just walking along like nothing happened, and that... that wouldn't be right. You care about him, and--

[Oh. Well. He accepts the hug with all the grace and dignity an awkward yellowblood can handle, which isn't an awful lot, but hey. He has practice. Stupid clingy Tyrians with their stupid emotional problems and their oh god let him hold you right now.]

Don't force yourself to... [Seriously, Feferi, accepting it and moving on just like that is kind of really unhealthy. He's been there, he's been there more or less his entire life, and look how that turned out.]

You're right. I can't just forget, but I can't just...if I let myself keep going like this, I let the stupid admins win. I don't want them winning.

[She sniffles, clinging a little bit tighter.]

I know, I shouldn't force it, but I...

Then don't do either. Just... let it be.

[Natural progression. That's how most people do it back home, right, when they lose a quadrant? Don't dwell on it. Don't push past it. It's not easy, not by a long shot, but... everything seems so simple when it's not happening to you, doesn't it? Equius' mind wanders a bit, to all the times Eridan has disappeared from the tower and come back with some new scar or nightmare or manic trollslaughter episode, and he unintentionally starts holding her a bit closer too.]

...'m sorry.

eight ♓ video;

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action; dang it, DW ate the reply I had to this

action; it's okay bb <3