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[The Cu Chulainn that appears in the feed is a far cry from his normal, cheerful self. His hair looks even more disheveled than it usually is. His eyes have narrowed into slits and vein are popping all over his face. And his spear is out for all to see.]

WHERE IS SHE?

[He screams into the monitor, slamming his fist down on the keyboard and shaking the entire terminal.]

WHERE IS AYAKA SAJYOU? WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS TOOK HER? WHICH ONE OF YOU TOOK MY MASTER?

[He takes a deep breath before he screams again.]

AND WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS ERASED HER NAME ON HER DOOR AND MADE HER A GRAVE? GET THE FUCK OVER HERE AND I MIGHT LIMIT MYSELF TO BREAKING YOU IN HALF!

[He knows. He knows that these are usually indicators that people had left the Tower for good. But he doesn't want to admit it. If he does, it means he's failed his Master again...]

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I know you did. I know! Please, you must calm down!

[Why did the emotions hurt so much today? Is it just because he is so worn down or because he's roommate's emotions are just so strong?

Diarmuid raises a hand to his temple and rubs at it.]

This has nothing to do with protecting or not protecting. You know how the tower is! You have told me it yourself. There is no controlling what it does. If...she's gone...

[It really hurt to say that and he almost winces.]

...you couldn't have done anything to stop it. Even if you had been there holding her. There is nothing you could have done!

DON'T TELL ME THAT!

[He slams a fist against the edge of the monitor.]

I could have made a proper contract with her! Handed her my Command Seals! I could have stayed by her side more! I could have made sort of deal! Gave my life to hers! There's something that I could have done! Something that I can do!

Don't yell at me!

[He actually winces, unconsciously shying away from the raw pain rolling off his roommate. Diarmuid takes a moment to steady his voice before speaking again, but he's started shaking, just slightly.

It almost feels like someone is twisting shards of glass into his mind.]

We both know none of that would have mattered. Nothing would have changed except that you would have known instantly when she was gone. They would have killed you and still sent her away. Perhaps you would have even awoke with some kind of taunt letting you know she was gone. You know they don't allow for that kind of thing. It takes away from their precious fun!

[He stops, taking a breath, attempting to will away his own weakness so he can focus on helping his friend.]

Do you really think I would say these things to you if they weren't true? I don't want her gone. I don't want you hurting, but...

[He shakes his head, trying to back away from Diarmuid. He knows Diarmuid is his friend. He knows that everything the other Lancer is saying is only intended to help him. But he doesn't want to accept it.]

[Even with the veins still bulging on his face, he looks more like a scared puppy than a hellhound.]

Maybe...but...

[He closes his eyes, feeling something wet slip down his face.]

Then why...WHY AM I EVEN ALIVE RIGHT NOW?

[A Servant didn't outlive their Master. That wasn't how the world worked. A Servant listened and fought and protected and, if they couldn't accomplish their duties, faded away once their Master died.]

[So why did he linger again?]

[Diarmuid closes his eyes. How many times had he asked that question when he had first arrived? How many times did he still ask it? Why had he been chosen from a whole world of souls when he had already died not once, but twice?

His voice is soft as he answers.]

I don't know. Why am I alive? Why was a person who had died twice already the one who was saved from a whole world of other souls? Maybe Zo could answer that question for us. Maybe even he doesn't know. But we are here. We are alive. It wouldn't hurt this much if we weren't.

[He reaches out and gently wipes the tears from his roommate's cheeks, hoping it doesn't upset the man further.]

She wouldn't want you to blame yourself like this. If the blame lies anywhere, it's with the tower and the people who run it.

[He slaps the hand away.]

...This is the second time already for me. She should blame me! They should both blame me! I didn't save them! I-I killed...

[He slams his fist into the terminal yet again, denting it.]

[Diarmuid's first reaction is to curl his hand against his chest, but that reaction is smothered very quickly by a wave of anger. Instead of withdrawing his hand, it shoots out, grabbing a hold of his roommate's collar and dragging the other man so that they are face to face.]

Stop. Blaming. Yourself!

[The words are an angry growl, and very odd sounding coming from someone like Diarmuid.]

You did what you had to. What Fate forced on you.

[He shakes his roommate with every word, and the shakes are surprisingly hard considering how hard Diarmuid is shaking himself.]

Now stop! You carry their memories. Pull yourself together and be the servant they knew and respected! Honor their memory instead of crying over it! Be glad you have such memories to honor. Not all servants are as lucky as you are!

[He actually stops his crying and screaming and just stares at Diarmuid in shock. Slowly, some of the veins start clearing from his face now that at least part of his rage is gone.]

I...

[He starts laughing. It gets increasingly bitter and hysterical as he realizes these are some of the exact words that he had screamed at Diarmuid on different occasions.]

[It's a good while before he can calm down enough to speak.]

You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm a lucky Servant. Luckier than I deserve.

[He stares Diarmuid in the eye. His gaze is notably empty, drained of all emotion and vitality.]

Why couldn't we have switched places?

[Diarmuid lets go of his roommate's collar, his hand gently brushing off a few of the remaining tears on the other man's face before dropping away.]

I don't know that I would have done the job any better, my friend. If what happened is what was meant to happen, nothing will change that. Not you, not me, not anyone else. Fate always finds a way no matter what we do.

If you don't think you deserve it, then make yourself someone who does. Save your fights for the battles you can win. Things seem bad now, but it's not over. Not by a long shot. Not as long as we keep the strength to go forward. Do that for them. Always for them.

[He pauses, smiling as best as he can. His roommate might be calming down some, but Diarmuid's head is still screaming.]

And then maybe someday you will feel you can do it for yourself too.

[He sighs and leans against the terminal for support.]

I'll try. If you think I can, then I can't disappoint a friend, can I?

[His voice seems to have some of his old energy back.]

[But at the same time, all he can think of is how it's not a Servant's role to "move on" or "go forward." He had lived his life once to the fullest. Called back into the modern day, he was now a weapon. And now that he has lost his wielder, there was no reason for him to linger.]

I would like you to do your best not to.

[There is something sad in the words no matter now much he might try to hide it. It's not that he expects his roommate to fail, it's just that he has a feeling he knows what the other man is thinking and they are questions he has been searching for the answers to for as long as he's been here.]

I'm sorry. I don't have the answers for you, but you aren't alone in asking the questions. You know I would like the answer to that too. It doesn't seem right. It should be anyone but us.

...You were loyal, at least. You deserved a second chance.

[With the amount of tragedy that he had seen Diarmuid needed a second chance.]

[Diarmuid sighs rubbing at his temples trying to sooth away some of the pain.]

You are loyal. You did what you had to fulfill her last request, didn't you? It might not seem like you did the right thing, but when it comes down to the choice between honor and loyalty it's never an easy one to make. Trust me. I know.

...I turned my spear at her. Because when I made my contract with Ayaka, she wasn't completely dead.

[He wishes he could stop this, but the rage won't stop clawing at him. Now that he's lost an outside source to direct it at, it has turned inward at himself.]

[Diarmuid tilts his head, confusion in his eyes. He wants to know what exactly happened with his roommate and his first master, but at the same time, he's afraid of upsetting him again.]

Will you tell me about it, please? You have mentioned bits and pieces, but not enough for me know what to say to help you.

[For a minute, he considers just brushing the request off. But Diarmuid already knows that he failed. He might as well as tell Diarmuid how much of a failure he is. When he speaks, his voice is eerily calm.]

She was cursed by her father to die unless she won the Holy Grail. I was supposed to save her and take it for her, but I dawdled in killing the other Servants. Eventually her curse consumed her and she asked me to kill her. But I...couldn't even do that right.

[He had tried to save her with his runes, but to no avail.]

She died. And the curse didn't let her rest in peace. It turned her into a zombie thing. So I went to the only Master willing to take me and told her I would help her with her matters...if she could give me the prana to kill Misaya for good.

[He shuts up and waits for Diarmuid's reaction.]

[Diarmuid is quiet for several moments taking it all in. He'd known things had been bad, but...

That was just horrible. Who would do such a thing to their child?

When he speaks, his voice is calm, though there is something barely controlled and angry in its tone. However, none of it is directed at his roommate. What he is angry with is Fate for putting his roommate in such a situation.]

Were you able to keep your promise after that? Did you help her find peace after you took your new master?

Yes, I did that. I swore loyalty, and then I killed her.

[He stares at Diarmuid.]

Are you ashamed now? That such a Servant, such a traitor, would call you his friend?

[Diarmuid returns the stare, his gaze serious, though his voice is soft.]

I have never and will never be ashamed to call you my friend, Cu Chulainn. You kept your vow. That is all that is important here.

[Diarmuid suddenly realizes just how right his earlier comment about choosing between honor and loyalty is.]

Honor and loyalty are both important. Those two things are what I based my life around, but because of that I know acutely that Fate likes to make you choose between things that are that important to you. Sometimes you have to be dishonorable to stay loyal or be disloyal to be honorable. Neither is an easy choice to make.

[His gaze finally softens to match his voice.]

I am sorry you had to make that chose in such a terrible way...

...

[Even as he tries to fight it, his lip quivers, and he starts crying again. He turns around and covers his eyes so Diarmuid won't have to see his tears.]

Thank you.

[Even if he might not deserve Diarmuid's friendship, there is no way he would disregard it.]

But loyalty and honor...I don't know if I have either at the moment.

[For the sake of loyalty, he had dragged his honor through the mud. He had let his Noble Phantasm be sealed away. He had allowed his Master to use him in a humiliating manner. And in the end, he had killed his Master anyways. Not only that, but the tragedy had repeated and he had lost Ayaka too.]

[Diarmuid steps forward and puts a hand on his roommate's shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze.]

Don't hide your tears from me. I won't judge you for them. You have seen me shed enough to know that.

You know, I don't know that I feel I have honor or loyalty now either, but we can't let that stop us. We have to keep moving forward so that we can one day reclaim those things that Fate has taken from us. Those we have lost deserve it and, more importantly, we deserve it.

[He nods.]

Fate took those things from you.

[He turns back to Diarmuid.]

But do you really think I can try too? This was...already my second time.

Fate took them from us both.

[His voice is very stern for those words, but the sternness soon fades.]

You shouldn't have been put into that situation. Does that sound familiar to you? It's as true for you as it was for me.

And this is my third chance, not my second. Even so, I have no intention of letting numbers stop me from trying. I would certainly hope you feel the same way.

Help me with that, alright?

[He tries to look cheerful, but his expression comes off as childish and unsure.]

Let's both go for the third time together?

[Diarmuid smiles at him and the smile actually manages to reach his eyes.]

Of course. After all, someone has to keep you out of trouble and on task.

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