animus_network | ☿ // 002; [text]

It's nothin--

[Diarmuid stops himself mid-word closing his eyes tightly for a moment. How can he lie to Waver when he had just been so open with him?]

My curse...it affected him strongly, and I was a fool who for a moment hoped that maybe...

[His voice trails off, face coloring in shame.]

I pushed even more onto him when he has already done so much for me. I deserve to have him hate me.

I seriously doubt he hates you. From what I've seen, it looks like you're just as important to him as you are to me.

...You hoped that maybe what?

[Diarmuid shakes his head, face changing from red to pale very quickly. He is doing his best to avoid look at Waver now too.]

I...I was selfish for once. I...I wanted his love for me to be real. I wanted...I wanted to be able to love him as more than a brother.

[He shuts his eyes, arms wrapping around his waist, his whole body suddenly stiff just waiting for Waver to judge him for his foolishness.]

...So what?

[There was a strange sense of pain in Waver's chest at that, even as he looked and sounded dismissive. What on earth was that supposed to be? It couldn't be something like jealousy, right?]

[...Of course not, he told himself. That would be completely ludicrous.]

Isn't it normal for everyone to want something like that?

No!

[Diarmuid's head comes up, his eyes flying open, tears wetting the corners.]

Not when I'm dead! How can I ask anyone to love a dead man! And in this place...

[He presses a hand to his forehead.]

...it's just sheer stupidity! Just think of what the administrators would do to that person if I even so much as look at them funny.

I am so very selfish... Why? Why can't I just let this go? I should just be happy to be alive. Why do I let myself want these things? It just hurts everyone...

It's true you're not really 'alive' in the strictest sense, I'll give you that. But that's a technicality at best, and one you shouldn't give so much weight. You feel emotion the same as any living human, so you shouldn't think of yourself as less than that. You're as human as I am, and no one with a human heart can live a completely selfless life without torturing themselves.

As for the administrators...you're right. But no matter what happens, we're all going to end up suffering. And if that's true, wouldn't it be better to allow yourself even that one emotional luxury of loving someone rather than deny it and add to the kind of unhappiness here?

Maybe I'm not one to talk. I've never been in love, so-...

[Waver stopped, bringing a hand to his mouth in quiet contemplation.]

...ah, maybe that was a lie. I felt something a long time ago that in retrospect could have been called love. But back then I wouldn't have understood it; even if I had, I would have acted like you are now. 'They wouldn't want someone like me.' 'I don't deserve it.'

If I'd had the chance and the sense to act on it back then...who knows? Maybe that person and I would have been happy, maybe not. The only way to tell in any situation is to just...realize it's okay to be selfish sometimes.

I did live that way once. A long time ago. And I was happy. I...was...

[Though, had he been really? Or had he just not known better? Many of the people he has talked to here would say he just hadn't know any better after having been raised his whole life with one purpose in mind.

Honestly, does it even matter?]

I did try to go back to that when I first arrived here, but...it's just not happening. Maybe it's time I finally accept that I can't be that again?

[Diarmuid falls into his own thoughts, but he's still emotionally drained from everything, and while he knows he should keep following this train of thought, he also knows he won't be able to get anywhere else today.

Besides, Waver's words are much more interesting to him right now.]

It's not likely I will know the person you speak of, but do you mind telling me about them? Even though I was married and cursed to have people love me, I really don't know much about true love.

[He looks away with a sad, lost look on his face.]

I don't think she ever loved me. She just thought she did. Just like everyone else who claimed to love me...

[Waver listened despite not being sure what to say; this was one of the few matters he had no knowledge of or experience in. He sat down on the edge of his bed,, making a vague gesture for Diarmuid to do the same if he wanted.]

I don't really know if I loved them. There's no question in my mind they were important to me, but love? I never knew what that was like. Even so, I...knew they were lonely. Just as lonely as I'd always been, but in kind of a different way. They dealt with it better than I did; I was always angry and shouting at a world that wouldn't listen, but he just...accepted it. Smiled even when he felt like breaking, and never let anyone see otherwise.

[Waver's voice was distant, so lost in thought that he hadn't seemed to notice the slip into specific pronouns.]

We didn't know each other long, but having him in my life was like a lightning strike. Abrupt, shocking, and drastically changing everything in no time at all. He was the kind of person that...that made me want to change the world I hated instead of just raging against it and being an impulsive, stupid teenager.

Like you said--I don't know anything about true love. And he would never have believed me even if I had known then or now how I felt. Someone who had never heard 'I love you' and someone who was told the same every day...hell of a pair we'd have made.

[Until then, Waver's sunglasses had been hanging on the front of his shirt, but at some point he'd taken them in one hand and absentmindedly turned them over and over as he spoke. His eyes were focused on some point past his hands, in the direction of the floor with a look that suggested he wasn't looking at anything at all.]

I could never have told them any of this back then, even if I'd understood it--and I still don't understand it, for the record. What I do understand is that when that person was in pain or unhappy...and when they were out of my life, I think I felt what normal people would call 'heartbroken'. Even now I want that person to be able to smile again--no, I want them to smile because they want to instead of just covering up their own unhappiness.

Diarmuid, if you care about someone to the point where half the time you want to slap them for being stupid and the other half you just want to stay by their side until both of you stop hurting... If you feel this sense of absence when they're gone and completion when they're nearby, if you'd rely on them and confide in them and let them do the same for you...if you'd die trying to help them without a second thought...is that what love feels like? Is that even close or am I just guessing at a concept no amount of research could explain?

[When Waver motions for him to sit on the bed, Diarmuid accepts the invitation, feeling that he really should be near his friend as he speaks. And very shortly after Waver starts talking, Diarmuid is glad he listened to that feeling because if he had still be standing, he might have fallen.

It's him Waver is talking about. Even if he doesn't say his name, Diarmuid knows who the man means. But...

His face reddens as he tries to sort out all Waver has said. Does he know those feelings? Yes, he knows them well. He feels them for Waver. He feels them for his brother. He had felt them for Oscar as well....

Is that love, though? Diarmuid just doesn't know. What he does know is that the people he has felt those feelings for are those who mean the most to him. They are the ones he would give anything to spend forever with.

And he also knows the feelings he had had for Grainne had never been like this. What does that say about all of this?

He reaches out and wraps his hands around Waver's careful not to damage the sunglasses he's playing with.]

I'm sorry. I have no answer for you. I know those feelings. I have felt them for a very few people during my life and those people are the ones who I never would willingly be parted from. My brother, Oscar. My other brother, Cu Chulainn. And you. Not even my wife makes that list. I...I don't know what that means.

[Suddenly, Diarmuid's expression grows very shy.]

Do...do you really feel all that about me?

[It's a stupid question and one Diarmuid already probably knows the answer too, but for some reason he can't help but ask it anyway.]

It's...it's fine. I didn't expect an answer. Maybe I don't even want one yet, not until I know just what the hell this is.

[Waver was a genius, there were no two ways about it. But some things just couldn't be explained through research and experiments. And he noted those questions without answers were always the most important ones. He didn't dare to look up as Diarmuid spoke; in fact, he'd gone very still as if consciously stopping himself from panicking or overreacting.]

I detest lying. Sure, I may not tell the entire truth half the time, but if I say something, it's going to be honest. So...of course I do.

Well, even if it is not quite the answer you are looking for there is one question I can answer for you.

[Diarmuid reaches out and gently turns Waver's head so that he can look the magus in the eye.]

Whatever the proper label for the feelings we are feeling is, we are two people who care a great deal about each other. That won't change no matter what you call our feelings. I want you to feel free doing whatever you wish to do around me. I hope you will allow me the same.

[He releases Waver's chin, fingers lingering for a moment before dropping away.]

Thank you for confirming what I already guessed. I just needed to hear it. Thoughts have power, but words...they often have even more.

I didn't--look, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to ask anything of you and I'm not out to change things between us.

[Despite attempts to shrug everything off, Waver was definitely visibly embarrassed.]

No matter what happens or what this is, you'll always be my friend before anything else.

And you mine.

[Diarmuid laughs gently.]

Please relax my friend. I am not suggesting, nor do I expect anything different. I just wanted to let you know. Besides, it's not like I have plans to throw you down on the bed and ravish you at the first opportunity.

[A wide smirk crosses his face, all previous shyness suddenly gone.

Waver may wish that shyness was back, in truth.]

For one thing, I am probably dreadfully out of practice...

[Well, someone's certainly shy now. This time it's the bright red magus that is for once completely out of snappy comebacks.]

D-Diarmuid--!

[Diarmuid shifts to sit cross-legged on the bed and then rests his chin in his hand. The look he gives Waver is serious, but also amused.

Is this where I ask if you are a virgin and then give you the talk? It's all right, you can tell me.

Oh my god we are not having this conversation.

[Diarmuid keeps giving Waver that same amused look almost if he is waiting for an answer, but finally his breaks into laughter.]

Are you really sure you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? I may have been more reserved than most of the Fianna, but that doesn't mean I can't be a sassy one when I want to be...

[Facepalm.]

Either I can live with it or you'll give me a heart attack.

[Diarmuid gives him a pout, but the twinkle in his eyes shows that it's obviously fake.]

Is there really no middle ground? No way I can make you relax even just a little?

I'm afraid not. You're simply going to end up driving me crazy.

Well, at least it won't be a horrid way to end up?

[His smirk changes to something a little more gentle.]

I mean...I can think of a lot worse ways to go. At least, I'm not too hard on the eyes. People tell me that on occasion anyway...

Funny you mention that. I hear it quite a bit myself now and then.

Well, it's not like you are a bad looking man.

[Diarmuid gives him a close look, that smirk sliding back onto his face.]

You did grow up a lot, after all. It's only natural people would compliment you.

W-well...

[He faltered for a second, that bright red color threatening to return.]

It's--I'd rather not hear it from a bunch of teenage girls, thank you very much!

So then...

[And there a twinkle returns to his eyes to join the smirk.]

...you would rather hear it from the boys?

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject