gAmZeE MaKaRa ♑ terminallyCapricious (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hystericull) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
animus_network2013-04-06 02:59 am
hystericull) wrote in animus_network2013-04-06 02:59 am
Entry tags:
015 ♑ [fifteenth honk] [video/text.]
[Gamzee sits in front of the camera. He looks... different. Not just the obvious different that is the huge, stitched up gash across his forehead, either. He's been picking at the sutures there - they're loose and crooked, and the wound has started to reopen a little. All of that prodding and fussing has made the puckered skin around it burn a bright, angry purple - the same color as the bloody gunk seen between the gaps of the stitches.]
[Even though the video is on, he makes no effort to make eye contact, or address the network verbally. Instead, he just looks like he's concentrated on typing, looking down at the keyboard, then back up to the screen, but never moving his eyes up to the camera.]
dId you ever all get your motherfUcKiNg nOtIcE On.
of JUST HOW ALL FUCKIN SILENT THIS WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING PlAcE ReAlLy bE Up aNd At?
SoMeTiMe a BrOtHeR JuSt aLl gOtTa sHuT ThEm lOoKsTuBs and open all up to the noiseless noise his motherfuckin hear ducts.
[He laughs silently, rereading his text. He looks genuinely calm. For a moment. Then, his face falls, and he pecks away at the keyboard a little harder.]
MAYBE YOU ALL WEREN'T NEVER AT FUCKIN HEARING SUCH SHIT WHAT I ALL BE NOW MOST MOTHERFUCKIN BEREFT IN.
maybe you ain't wanna know what i all motherfuckin did.
MAYBE YOU WOULD UP AND BE THINKING I ALL DIDN'T HAVE NO MOTHER FUCKING CHOICE.
maybe i was all motherfuckin crazytown in the nuglug til the boss dude cut me the fuck open.
MAYBE THE MOTHER FUCKING SCREECHING TORE THE NOISE CANALS UP OUT MY MOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
SS
GJGJKK
43
M
FG
[As his text distorted, the video would show his face almost pained, twisted up in an expression of anger as his head jerked to the side. Once. Twice. Three times.]
G-g-ghghh... ughh-- F-F-F-F-Fuck--
[Video.]
You were never a problem! Not to me, Gamzee. Never ever been anywhere close to something like that. Shit. Why did you-
... Why did you do this to yourself?
[Video.]
[Lifting his head, Gamzee stares into the camera. His glare was hard, but knitting his eyebrows together was too painful a feat right now. His displeasure was careful.]
Ain't comfortable discussing such fuckin' particulars of it with the whole motherfuckin' phallus.
[His eyes flick down, then back up.]
Calm the fuck down. Where you at?
[Video.]
He lets out a frustrated sigh, shaking his head slightly before giving in. There is nothing more awkward than sharing this with everyone in the network. If he's going to make an ass of himself, might as well do it in private.
He breathes in again before muttering. ]
Library ....
[Video/Action.]
[He chuckles, and it's so inappropriate for the situation that it could be considered quite condescending. With that, the feed shuts off, and it's about ten more minutes before Gamzee shows up in the library.]
[Finding Tavros isn't hard, considering that rack. He's not really good with starting conversations, so he takes a moment for observation. It would have been relaxing, had the boy not been so tense. He much preferred watching him while he was asleep.]
[Stepping forward, he ran a palm along one of those horns wordlessly.]
[Action.]
At least, for now, he had a valid reason. The touch on his horn was ignored, and he stares intensely. ]
Gamzee.
[ He's not going to repeat himself. ]
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[It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but something he never really could grasp. The silence in his head wasn't making him any smarter, but it did help him focus enough to realize some things. And he looked a little focused, now, studying Tavros' face and not letting his attention drift to try and calm down the screeching between his ears.]
[He grinned again. Always at the most inappropriate times.]
I motherfuckin' get what you ain't bein' all able to know the shit in which is why I fuckin' do crap.
Meaning... like, my reasons, mostly.
[He paused, poking his tongue between his top and bottom row of teeth and biting at it thoughtfully.]
But I all be having my fuckin' ass some killer ones for this noise.
[Telling him those reasons was another story. It was hard to try and keep Tavros comfortable and ignorant when Gamzee was incapable of keeping everything from him. Knowing bits and pieces and being withheld the rest must have been worse than just knowing it all. Gamzee wasn't sure he was ready to tell him everything, though. It would make him look weak. Vulnerable. It was basic knowledge not to show your flaws, lest they be exploited. Usually, it didn't bother him - admitting what he was and wasn't proficient in - but when it came to things he didn't have a proper handle on, himself, he was overly cautious about what information he did share.]
[Not to mention, he wasn't quite sure if they were actually "reasons", or just some incoherent trail of thoughts. The more he tried to think of a good starting point, the more confused he got. It would have been impossible to explain before he got this operation, though.]
I ain't sure where to start.
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He tried in every single way to be there for Gamzee, and accept him the way he is, and yet- the highblood insists on making everything ten times more challenging. Maybe it wasn't his intention, and maybe Tavros is being unfair for thinking this way, but it sure felt like they never catch a break! Now, if it was some random act of abuse, there is no reason for him to be upset, but it is very clear that Gamzee had purposely wanted this to happen. In fact, he probably asked for it to be done.
And then that fucker dares to say 'I won't be a problem anymore' ??? Seriously? After spending every little breath reassuring Gamzee that he loves him the way he fucking is! Over and over again. Talk about being ignored.
He didn't say anything, but it was pretty clear Tavros was ranting with his own version of 'voices' in his head. He made a displeased face, and then spoke impatiently. ]
Just say anything! I don't care how you say it. just do it!
Explain to me why you felt it was needed to do something like this?!!
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[His hands found themselves clamped around Tavros' biceps, and as they did so, he could feel the brief aura that came before his new tremors. Every time he tried fighting them off, they prevailed, and this time was no different. His fingers quaked, and his jaw shook unnaturally, clamping shut with a clash of teeth and a rumbling growl that soon gave way to a sputtering cough. Despite this, his frustration with his limited emotions, and the jarring, yet predictable response to this whole situation had sent him in a spiral of upset and shakes.]
[Say anything, say anything, he didn't know what the fuck to say, but he had so say something, or else he'd just be this quaking, spitting mess of brainwaves and Tavros wouldn't stick around forever while he's glitching the fuck out but he couldn't think of a way to word it that wasn't completely disgusting and revealing and the hurt was hurting through his anger because he was calming down because of this stupid surgery that started this all in the first place and]
I WAS M-M-M-MOTHERFUCK-KIN' SCARED!
[He choked it out. His head was buzzing. He was dizzy and tired. His fingers had dug their way deeper into Tavros' arm, and he stared at him helplessly.]
[This was not the way he'd wanted this to go down.]
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... Scared of what? What are you scared of, Gamzee?
[ He was so fucking sick and tired of having endless conversations and reaching no valid conclusion. It was a predictable cycle. It all starts out well, but somehow along the way they lose track of the main issue, and then they start to apologize to each other and exchange useless fucking promises. After a week or two- it's all fucked up again!
He was sick of it. He was so sick of being kept in the shadows. He was so sick of turning his head the other way and pretending that everything is a-fucking-okay. Not when with every passing moment Gamzee seems to grow more miserable and reckless.
He had to know what the hell is going on with him, and he needs to know right now.
He leans a little closer and tapped his index finger against Gamzee's chest, seeking his attention. He waited for all his twitching to ease down before speaking. ]
Listen to me. You are going to tell me everything. Everything! I don't care how long I'd have to wait but we're not leaving this floor until you start talking.
[ And harshly. ] There is something seriously wrong, and you're not the only one affected by it. It's not all about you, Gamzee. It's about me. It's about us. So it's my right to know!
Talk to me!
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[It was true. Gamzee was an immature, selfish child. He thought in terms of "I" and "me", and was certainly not used to thinking in terms of "us" and "we". He had only himself to think about for a long, long while - if he didn't think about him, who would? - and even if the haze of sopor had once made him blithe and selfless, doing things for others was a lot easier than including others in his personal problems. It was a difference so distinct, that he gave it almost no thought at all. A difference so distinct, that he almost always had trouble figuring out why Tavros was so furious with him whenever he made his own choices.]
I DON'T-- I--
[His jaw was locking up again. For FUCK'S SAKE. His claws were digging back into the flesh on the underside of Tavros' arms again. He ground his fangs together. Anger was much easier than this. But he'd voluntarily handicapped himself in that department. How was he expecting to deal with all of this shit when he'd limited his expression so drastically!? Did he think it would all just go away!?]
[Shuddering, he closed his eyes. Not as hard as he wanted to, because it pulled at the skin of his forehead. After taking a few breaths, his claws retracted from those arms, drops of copper beneath their tips.]
I was, like...
[He lifted his lip, exposing some fangs and sneering at himself for being unable to form the words. He still didn't want to talk about this, but he'd exhausted every other possibility of trying to solve it himself, and each time it had blown up in his face.]
I was scared of me? You know? I mean, I wasn't fuckin' scared! Just, like... I wasn't motherfucking scared.
[So smooth. Nice recovery.]
There was some shit motherfuckin' all deep down there that weren't letting a brother get his okay on. And it be like, when you all make a motherfuckin' sand castle, and you don't want all that water to get up and be upturning the shit like what's it always does? So, like, you all get to be tellin' it to knock it the fuck off, and you try real hard to make it not do what you know it all gonna motherfuckin' be up and doing, 'cause you got that fuckin' feeling, you know?
And then it does anyway?
But like, if you know it to be all motherfucking going to happen at you, you gonna do all what you motherfuckin' can to make it not happen, right?
[His hands had left Tavros' arms while he was in the middle of speaking. They were now balled up at the bottom of his oversized t-shirt.]
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He shrugged slowly. ]
So ... What is your resolution? Let the admins cut your head open and you spend the rest of your days being unhappy? That's your plan?
Trusting the enemy.
Do you honestly think they care about your best interests??
[ The intensity of his stare increased ,and he looked like he was about to lash out again, but the tone of his voice didn't match his expression. ]
Listen ...
[ He inched closer and brought his hands up, gently reaching for Gamzee's cheeks. He keeps the highblood's head leveled, unable to turn his gaze away from Tavros as he spoke. He really wanted his matesprit to hear him loud and clear. ]
My brother, you can't do this alone.
[ As much as Tavros wanted to wait on his ass and hope his partner will come in terms with that reality, he couldn't. Not anymore. He can either do something about it, or watch as things spiral into madness. ]
You come to me, alright? You ask for my help. If you're scared, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with being scared. I'm scared too. We can work this out together.
[ A pause. ]
... Do you believe me when I say that?
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[He was going to try and explain this. He had all the time in the world, now, and the clear headspace to try and sort it out. His first time explaining with clarity - hope it went well.]
Of fuckin' course not. But the hairless one be the only motherfucker what would know all on how to fix what big ass problem I was up to motherfuckin' having myself. Ain't no one as proficient with a motherfuckin' cutty dude like what's I all seen him be.
[Not to mention, he'd been under the knife at Jason's mercy countless times before. Even if the end result was horrific, it still showed an unmistakable understanding of the practice.]
[That was all he was going to say about that unless he was pressed further. What he'd seen in the guts of the Tower... Jason liked experiments. He liked research, he liked learning. He fucked shit up because he wanted to see what happened. If Jason promised Gamzee an operation that he specifically requested... he couldn't say why, but he trusted that the human would carry it out to some degree. Of course, there was always liberties he expected. He wasn't expecting it to be perfect, trusting someone as wild as that man, but he was expecting it to work, and it had.]
[Gamzee didn't resist as his face was held. In fact, it felt wonderful. A touch he didn't know he was needing until it was happening. He could do this alone. He could fix it by himself. He would do it the way he always had - try a million different things, fuck them all up until you find one that works. That way, he wouldn't have to explain it to anyone. Wouldn't have to waste his breath figuring out words to a problem no one else would understand anyway. Not to mention the fact that he could fix it himself.]
I ain't fucking scared.
[His eyes weren't moving from Tavros', and he bit those words out hard enough for him to almost believe them, himself. However, that was the only part of this whole ordeal that he was angry over. In response to the rest of it, his face sat sort of blankly, and he brought his fingers from the hem of his shirt to wind lightly around the crooks of Tavros' elbows.]
I--
[All he wanted to do was make Tavros happy. He just wanted to agree with him and have everything magically fix itself just because he did so.]
[Curious, he shifted his head lower in Tavros' hands, letting his lids fall and his smiling lips mouth words into the bottom of the boy's palms.]
When all did you get so motherfuckin' confident?
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I .... I don't understand why you thought he would be your answer. It was not a wise approach.
[ It didn't make any sense.
Also, the fact Gamzee was denying his own confession and somewhat defending his decision with persuading the surgery is a major downfall. He didn't want ... to have Gamzee agree just for the purpose of making him happy. He didn't want this at all. In fact, it was somewhat insulting in a way. Not taking his advice seriously and just brushing him off for the sake of avoiding any conflict.
Gamzee has every right to reject his advice, and Tavros has every right to get an honest reaction.
To be truthful, he didn't know what to think anymore. He was so tired of taking Gamzee's actions based on his own guesses and poor analysis. So tired of misunderstanding his matesprit all the time. So tired of their lack of communication in general. Tavros reached the point where he wanted everything to be black and white. Clear as the sun. No more guessing, assuming, wondering and ultimately ... misunderstanding the other.
Never in his life he questioned his own sanity. All he ever thinks about is this troll before him, and he's pretty sure it's not supposed to be this way. It was more enervating than pleasuring. Then again, looking at the smile on his matesprit's face is a kind reminder. A reminder of his reasons for wanting to protect him.
It was bittersweet and he smiled at his brother, even when it reflected just how exhausted he truly felt. ]
I'm not feeling so confident, Gamzee. Not right now ...
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[He wasn't upset, just stating the truth. He wasn't sure if he would be upset if he had the choice to, but it didn't really matter anymore. It was his choice, and if he'd made it, he'd obviously thought it was the right course of action. No backpedaling or chastising Tavros wanted to do was going to change his mind about it. Gamzee never lived his life in regret. Things happened as a result of his actions, and if he kept his actions true to the whimsicality he had coursing within him, no outcome would ever be anything to regret. He just had to keep moving forward.]
[Every time they clashed, it was always when Tavros would try to piece together the thought process behind Gamzee's volatile nature. The truth was, no matter how hard Gamzee would try to think things through rationally, "rational" was just not a part of him. If he felt he had to do something, or felt like doing something at all, he would do it. There was nothing to explain, and that's why it was so hard for him to try, every single time he did something Tavros was affected by.]
[Of course, he hadn't figured this much out, yet. And truthfully, he'd forgotten he was trying to figure it out at all, because he was smiling and Tavros was smiling, and that meant everything was okay, right?]
[Gamzee let a breath out through his nose, cautiously kissing each of the palms he'd buried his face into.]
I'm a motherfuckin' tough little clown, brother. Ain't nothin' what's will take the honk outta my horn so fuckin' easy. Sometimes a motherfucker just gotta replace the squeezy-end.
[He traced his hands up Tavros' forearms, stopping to rest when they were on top of the boy's own against his face.]
Somethin' what's only I was to be gettin' up at fuckin' understanding on needed to be motherfuckin' sassed out real quick. So, like, basically that be all fuckin' why I wasn't up and saying nothing. [No, it was because you were freaked out.] I ain't good at thinkin' up words to say shit like what's that is, but... I'll try 'cause you asked on it. But now, we just roll with all this business what's all up and has been already transpiring, my motherfucker.
[His fingers curled around the sides of Tavros' palms, and he leaned forward to press their mouths together.]
Ain't no rest for the motherfuckin' wicked.
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His thumbs brushed against Gamzee's skin gently, eyes barely open as he took in a soft inhale. ]
Please try, my brother. Because ... I am not going to 'roll with it' anymore.
[ There's a limit to everything, and Tavros figured it was time to make a proper statement. Offering assistant, communicating or even trying to be supportive had done so little. He will always, always be there for Gamzee. No doubt. However, there is a red line that shouldn't be crossed, and Tavros decided it's time to put it out in the open, instead of hoping that Gamzee would take the hint. ]
You act on your own, and you make your own choices. Regardless of how upset I am, you will carry on with your own beliefs. I respect that, bro. I really do. However, I have the choice to disagree, and I also have the choice not to accept it.
[ He leans back, still keeping his smile as he looked at his beloved matesprit. He was no longer angry, just honest. ]
I love you, Gamzee. I love you enough to be hurt by your actions. I love you enough to want to fight you to keep you safe. I love you enough to be unhappy when you're unhappy.
I love you enough .... to back away when there is nothing left for me to do.
You don't understand why I'm upset because you don't see what I see. [ He paused, taking a second to kiss Gamzee's forehead, just above his stitches. ] You don't understand my pain because I do everything in my power to stay strong for you. I think of you before I do anything that might affect you. I never want to be the reason to make you unhappy.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm far from it! But, I always try to put your interest before my own.
[ He lowers his head slightly, as if he wanted to add something, but it ended up to be too painful to voice out. He breathes out before he wrapped his arms around the highblood, pulling him closer and embracing him. ]
I just ... can't watch you hurting anymore.
no subject
So...
[Gamzee's eyes lowered, and he squinted a bit as he tried to process everything he'd just been told. It was a lot to take in, and processing wasn't really his strong point, but he'd try.]
What you're fuckin' saying at me be...
[He ran his tongue under the points of his teeth, biting on it out of frustration and stress. He didn't show any outward signs of conflict, however.]
Stop doin' all this shit, or lose you?
[The look on his face was an expression not easily described. He looked somewhat serious, somewhat incredulous, and also kind of like he was going to be sick.]
Really. Without all the fuckin' fluff and tipsy-toes words.
no subject
No, Gamzee.
It sucks to see you hurt, but I said I will back off. I guess, what I'm trying to say, instead of coming after a brother, I will let the brother come to me, whenever he feels comfortable to do so.
So ... You won't be hearing shit from me unless you want to talk. No point on keeping you do things you're not fond of, and no point of putting myself in such stress without being productive, too.
[ He pulls away and shrugs. ]
I'm giving you space.
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[He shrugged, lamenting the loss of contact. He bit at his lips, now. What was he supposed to say!? His expression had eased considerably, and the breath he let out was evidently relieved.]
Uh...
[Talking. Feelings. Not something he did well.]
think... that'd be motherfucking a good thing. For you to maybe like... not try to pick up after my ass.
It ain't a trail no one can be making no sense of, and I ain't much wanting you to try.
[That sounded a little callous.]
But, it ain't 'cause I'm mad or nothing. It's 'cause I love you.
[He didn't make a move to touch him again, but he offered another smile.]
But, I wanna ask you somethin' fuckin' else. If I be talking at you, and you be wanting to help me when I be not so fucking sure on shit...
wanna be doing the same at you. ...Like I all was used to motherfucking be doing. You know?
[He didn't mean just coming to him when Tavros had a problem with something he'd done. The kid was obviously severely stressed out. He'd denied Gamzee attempting to pacify him before, but that was sort of an awkward solicitation from Gamzee's end, admittedly.]
We talk. 'Bout more than just bad stuff. Good stuff, and stupid stuff, and motherfucking...
[He had raised his hands as he was speaking, and he lowered them now.]
Just want you to be okay, brother.
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I'll be okay. Just a little stressed, but ... to be honest .... I don't think it has a lot to do with you. Unfortunately, watching those stitches was enough to set me off, but you're not the main reason.
[ That's right. Just keep it simple and don't over think. Life will be so much easier. ]
Yeah, man. You can come and talk to me anytime. You know I don't have a problem with that. It will be pretty cool ...
[ Come to think of it, he couldn't really remember the last time Gamzee had been the one to get in his business. Recently, it was the other way around. Apparently he was doing it wrong the whole time.
Now that he was no longer running around with raging emotions, Tavros felt it was appropriate to relax a little, using his claws to scratch under his chin as he spoke. ]
I'll just have to trust you and well-- see how it goes. Let a brother do his thing and hope it works out. Ya' know?
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[He grinned a little wider, showing some teeth, now.]
You be snorting about some stuff what got you strung the fuck out what ain't having to do with my ass.
[Raising a hand again, he swiped his fingers against Tavros' cheek.]
But you ain't never telling it in me. You know, hahaha, we can still be fuckin' talking at each other like we used to and...
[Not have it be awkwardly pale.]
Even if we kiss and stuff now.
no subject
[ Finally, they seem to have agreed on something. He's not a 100% supportive of the idea, but if Gamzee wanted to go down that road, he will give it a shot for his sake.
Not wanting to dwell on this subject anymore and mess things up again, Tavros shoved his hands inside his pockets and turned to look around them with a casual smile. ]
I know the library is not your type of place to hang out, so we can just ... get out of here. If you want?
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You got all fuckin' that wicked noise right, motherfucker.
[He grinned, stepping forward and throwing an arm around Tavros' shoulders before leading them both towards the stairs. Maybe he was being too overbearing at the start? Or too distant? Or too... not himself. He knew he didn't feel like himself, but Tavros made him want to try. Now that he was in a place where he didn't have to immediately worry about his impending insanity, he had time to figure things out, and that meant time to make up for all the time he wasn't being not only a good matesprit, but a good best friend.]
I ain't feelin' too much down with all the motherfuckin' nibblies, but you getting your hunger on, brother? Wanna down some tasty motherfuckin' nutrition bars?
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[ He chuckled, and somewhere along their little walk toward the cafeteria, Tavros had curled his arm around Gamzee's waist. Clearing his mind wasn't as challenging as he thought it would be. In some twisted logic, now that he had realized that Gamzee wanted to handle his problems in his own is ... somewhat comforting. He never considered it as a burden, but accepting the fact he had absolutely zero influence in the situation made him feel less awful. I mean- he wants to help, he tried in every possible way, but if there is nothing he can do, he shouldn't stress about it as much, right?
With a content smile and a nod of his head, Tavros decided it was time to stop being so sulky and just ... be the best friend Gamzee truly needs right now.
When they reached the floor, he sighed loudly. Just the sight of those bars made him lose his appetite. ]
You know ... I miss the ice cream.
no subject
[Everything was okay. Maybe now, he could relax a little. Maybe now they could focus on their wicked brohood and not have to deal with anything the tower had to throw at them for a while. Gamzee hummed absently, rocking his shoulders and bobbing his head to that beat he was tapping out on Tavros' shoulder. Fuck, it had been so long since he'd had any sort of inclination to throw down a sick beat or two. He'd almost forgotten how much he'd missed it.]
[Standing in the middle of the cafeteria, he stopped tapping, but his arm remained slung around the other boy's torso. Gamzee lifted his free hand to his mouth in contemplation.]
Don't think they all fuckin' got nutrition bar ice cream.
[His expression turned a little forlorn.]
I had some fucking magic candy, but the pants all fuckin' got their decide on to get up some motherfuckin' holes in they damn pockets.
And it fell out.
[He frowned, wilting a little.]