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I know what happened. Are you happy with yourselves? Doing things when you don't even know what you're doing, or why. Look what you did... there were people suffering, children crying. Do you know how much pain you caused? It isn't right. It isn't fair.

What gives you the right? You take other people's lives in your hands! Take their choices from them. Deciding whether we should live or die for us. Do you think that we want to die? I don't. While there's life, there still hope. We should keep on living, no matter what. We should always keep--

[After this brief speech, Kariya slumps, breathing heavily. His good eye widens, and the swollen veins in his face seem to pulse for a moment. The effort of speaking has obviously taken a lot out of him. The physical and mental shock of the worms returning has taken its toll on him. He looks as if he's having trouble standing upright at the terminal. A spasm of pain crosses his face. When he speaks again, his voice is weaker.]

I need a healer--is there someone who can help?

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[She feels his arms around her. She swallows. He died, but she's the one being comforted. That only serves to make her more certain of her uselessness—her worthlessness. She help anyone, not even someone she cares about, not even after....]

I would have rather died, if you had been safe.

[She pulls back enough to look at him, not separating herself from him entirely. Her hands remain where they have been, gentle against his back.]

You've protected me twice, and I can't do anything for you.

I wouldn't want that. I would rather you be safe. So I'm glad.

[He gazes at her when she pulls away.]

It's not about that. But you do enough, and you helped me in your world, didn't you? [He smiles.] I should repay the favor. [Not that he thinks it's really about that.

We're friends. I'll always help you, if I can.

But I didn't really help you. [She normally thinks of him the same as she does "her" Kariya, but guilt twists her thoughts now.] You've saved me twice when I only protected you once, anyway, so you've already done more than repay me!

I don't want to be protected. I want to keep the people I care about safe—

[Her voice breaks, and she has to stop herself, taking a deep breath. She looks at him, the veins on his face. He's in pain now, again, and she has only been thinking about her own feelings. He shouldn't have saved her. Someone as selfish as her doesn't deserve that kind of kindness.]

[She steps back again, but not very far, moving to take both his hands in hers, not unlike she did when he told her that his worms were gone. This time, though, she doesn't immediately release them.]

I'm sorry. They— They came back, didn't they? I can't imagine... [Well, she can imagine what it would be like to suddenly be thrown back to the constant pain she felt three years ago, but that's still not the same as experiencing it for herself.] If we're going to talk like this, we should go back to your room.

[It's half because she would rather continue this conversation somewhere more private, if she's going to get emotional, and half because she wants to sit down instead of straining himself.]

That doesn't matter to me. It was still for me. [She'd killed Tokiomi for him--that's still so strange to think of.] You've been kind to me, too, which means a lot. That's more help than you can know. [What more could he ask for? He's lucky to have a friend like her]

It isn't really a back and forth like that.

I know you can protect people, too. We can protect each other.

[He nods, squeezing her hands, forcing a smile. He does want to smile at her, he just feels so sick. Still, she does make him feel better. He's happy with her. He just wishes she wouldn't be upset. He'd done what he had to do--how could he have done anything different? In spite of what he'd said about them protecting each other, he'd rather protect her all the time than see her hurt.]

They're all back again. It's as bad as before. I should be used to it, but--after feeling so much better, it--it hurts a lot. I shouldn't complain. It was my choice. I knew what was going to happen.

[He nods toward his nearby room. He can tell what she's thinking, and he doesn't object. He suddenly feels so tired.]

Yes, I should probably sit down. My room's right here.

Edited 2013-06-06 20:54 (UTC)

I know it isn't, but— [She breaks off again, biting her lip. The problem is that she can't protect anyone. Without Assassin here, she's worse than useless—a burden.]

[When he squeezes her hands, she squeezes back, her fingers trembling just slightly. She looks down again.]

No, I—I understand. Feeling like that... It still hurts, whether or not you chose it.

[When he nods toward his room, she immediately shifts her position so that he can use her for support as he moves. She can't help but feel relieved when he agrees.]

Don't worry about it. Please. I don't want you to. I want you to be happy and safe. That's why I wanted to help.

[As if what he wants will really affect her feelings, but he does hate for her to be upset.]

I'm glad I could do something for you. [It's nice to feel like he can do something for someone else, can really succeed at it.]

I have to bear it. I should have known it was too good to be true. It won't go away. Even though I wish I could be like I used to be, again.

[When he could think clearly, move normally. When he was really himself.

He hesitates--too proud sometimes to accept help--but she's been feeling bad about not helping people, and so he leans on her as they move forward.]

Thank you.

[She had offered her support automatically, without thought, but now that he has accepted it, she feels relief. After everything she had said to him, having her concern shrugged off would have made her—upset, or angry.]

You're welcome. I'm not a healer or anything like that, so I can't do much for you, but—if there's anything I am able to do, please tell me.

[And she does sound a little pleading as she says this.]

[He lets out a long breath as she takes up some of his weight. It doesn't take away any pain, but the humanness of the gesture, and the the kindness in it, is enough to hearten him. He remembers that people can be kind here, that it's not all bad. He has friends.]

I feel better now that you're here, so--that's enough. You don't have to do anything else for me.

[He smiles, because he does feel better in her company. She's so kind and gentle... She always cheers him up.]

It's nice just being with you.

I—

[Her voice wavers again, even that single syllable trembling, and she has to stop herself. She doesn't feel like it's nearly enough, but if that's what he tells her, she doesn't have much choice but to accept it. It's true that being with someone you care for can make pain more bearable. She knows that.]

[She swallows. Briefly, her eye closes, but then it opens again as she opens her mouth to speak.]

All right. I'm glad. I—want to spend time with you. [She tells him this honestly, thinking of the way he smiled when he first saw her. There's the impulse to hug him again, but they're walking, so she doesn't.] I don't have to do anything else, maybe, but I want you to be as happy and comfortable as you can be. That would make me happy.

I'm glad, too. You can spend as much time with me as you want. I'd like that. Maybe we can spend the day together.

[They reach his door, as it isn't far, and he sighs, thinking of his bed. He does want to lie down again, as much as he sometimes loathes lying down, he gets so tired of it.]

If you want to do something for me, you can, but I don't need that much. I'll be fine. [He's in a lot of pain, but he doesn't want to complain that much.] It's very kind of you, though. [Claudia is so nice to him, and he does like the feeling of being looked after, in spite of himself. It's one he's so rarely felt--since he was little, when Aoi used to be like a big sister to him.] I'm happy right now.

Oh, I— [She feels flustered, and she isn't entirely sure why. Now she thinks about walking with his arm through hers again, or with her hands in his. It would be different, without the illusions stripped away.] I'd like that, I think. It'd be nice to do something like that after, everything that's happened.

[Even if it's fake, something so normal would be—nice.]

[When they reach the door, she opens it for him, again without thinking. She wants to help him into his bed, but she isn't sure which one is his, and she understands that it won't do him any good if she's overbearing.]

Mm. [She smiles weakly, because she recognizes his words, in a way.] I'm glad you're happy, then. I just— I care about you. That's all I want.

[She blurts the last part out, her eye stinging again.]

Good. We'll have to do something fun. Maybe we can go to the meadow, or the library. I just need to rest a little first. [Talking to people over the network was exhausting. It does sound nice, doing something ordinary and relaxing. Maybe it would help him to forget about the pain's return.

He starts to limp toward his bed, then pauses to look to her and smile. He studies her face. Her eye is golden--it's such an unusual, pretty color. He's touched by her words, but a little surprised, too. Sometimes he's still unused to being shown so much concern.] I care about you too, very much.

I want you to be happy, too. [He laughs.] But I've probably said that already. I repeat myself sometimes. [And he feels a little sad, because along with the lack of pain, the clarity of his mind is gone now, too. He just wants to be himself again, but apparently that's too much to ask. He wishes he'd met her before he was so sick, but of course, that's impossible, for various reasons.] Tell me what you'd most like to do, and we can do that today.

[That reply provokes a similar reaction in her; she's touched to hear him say that, but at the same time, she hadn't been expecting it.] Oh. Thank you. [She feels like maybe she should say something more to that, but that's the only thing that comes out.]

Oh, we don't need to do anything today. Let's just rest for now. [She had lingered behind him as he started toward his bed, but now she moves to catch up. On a whim, she leans up and brings a hand to his forehead, brushing hair from his skin so she can kiss it, and then his unmarred cheek.] I think I just want to talk with you right now. Is that all right?

Oh.

[Kariya freezes when she touches his face, then kisses him. His good eye widens. He's not used to being touched that way, and it makes him feel a little nervous and embarrassed. It's--nice, but he isn't sure how to react. Why did she kiss him? Probably it was just a friendly kiss. Maybe that's normal where she's from. Should he kiss her back? That seems so forward--it might be rude to kiss her. It's different for a woman to kiss him than the other way around, isn't it? He settles on taking her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.]

Thank you.

[Though as soon as he says it, he thinks that thanking her was maybe not the right thing to do, so he changes the subject quickly.]

Yes, it's all right. I'd like that. If we stayed here and talked.

[Though he doesn't like to admit it, he probably couldn't make it very far today. He's worn out. He would like just talking to her more, too.]

We can do something else another day.

[Because he still thinks it would be nice to do something together, something that preferably doesn't involve monsters in any way.]

[She hadn't thought anything of the action—she gives physical affection liberally, and always has—but his reaction makes her abruptly self-conscious. Oh— Should she not have done that? She flushes when she takes her hand, which probably seems ridiculous now, and averts her eyes.]

[She almost asks about that thank you, but she's embarrassed now, so she goes along with the change in topic willingly enough.]

All right. Good. Thank you. Let's sit down, then.

[He still feels nervous, even though he knows that's foolish of him. She was only being nice, he's sure. He shouldn't take things the wrong way. They're friends, so something like that is normal, right? He keeps his hold on her hand, nonetheless, as he makes his way toward the bed.

It's odd to think that the bed is really a pod, when it looks like a bed. But then, it's odd to think of what he and Claudia really look like, when he considers how they appear now.

And then, he feels nervous all over again, when he realizes they're going to sit down on the bed together. It'll be fine, he's sure. It's just that keeps thinking of that kiss--and how maybe he should have kissed her back and acted like it was an ordinary occurrence, but it would be strange to do so now...

You don't have to thank me, but you're welcome. [He sits down, slowly and painfully, exhaling as he settles onto the bed. He realizes he's still holding her hand and lets go, even as he thinks he would like to keep holding it. The thought makes him anxious all over again. Now he's worried about doing the wrong thing. He hasn't been alone in his room with a girl before--he knows that thought is incredibly juvenile, even as he thinks it. But he likes it, that it's just the two of them, in spite of his newfound anxiety.] This is nice, isn't it? I'm so glad you're here now. I was so worried about you. What would you like to talk about?

[She feels conscious of the way he continues to hold her hand, and she wonders if it's his nervousness that makes her so. Certainly, she hadn't thought anything of touching him a minute ago. She doesn't mind the contact, though, and she would feel far too ridiculous saying something about it now, so she leaves it uncommented on. She just hopes that he doesn't feel like he has to be physical in his affection because she is.]

[When he sits, she tries to support him subtly, wanting to ease the stress on his body in whatever way she can. Then, she settles beside him, her hands folding demurely in her lap as he lets her go. She's careful not to sit too close.]

[She's aware of the way he mentions having been worrying about her, too, and once again she feels irrationally flustered by the idea that he had thought of her and kept her in mind.]

Oh, I don't know. [She sighs, her gaze settling on her hands in her lap as her lips purse together. It's a serious expression, which maybe makes it obvious that despite her answer, there is something on her mind.] There are some things I've been thinking about, but I don't want to drone on about my problems.

[It's just that she doesn't have anyone she would be more comfortable talking about her Alternate World Problems with.]

[All right, things seem to be more normal now that they're sitting down together and he's not holding her hand. Even if he'd like to be. Everything's fine. He can relax.]

You can talk to me about your problems anytime. I'd be glad to listen, and to help, if I could. You don't need to worry that you'd bother me, because you wouldn't.

Oh, that's... You're really sweet, Kariya. [She smiles, and even if the expression seems a little tired, it's genuine. Part of her wants to hug him, or lean against his side, but considering how the last time she had touched him ended up, she restrains herself this time.] I really am lucky to have you in my life.

[But then she looks down again, her hands balling against her skirt as she keeps talking.]

It's just... The more I think about things, the more I feel like Kirei is dead because I'm alive. [Not that she hasn't felt that way ever since she had failed to intervene with his suicide, but on a level beyond that—] I mean, that there can't be a world where we're both alive now.

It's the least I can do for you. [He's embarrassed and laughs as she says she's lucky.] Thank you--but I'm your friend, and that's what friends do, so, it's not so impressive. I try my best. I'll always do my best for you.

[He husband...

He had meant what he'd said about her problems, but he hadn't been expecting anything quite so personal or sad, and he's surprised. But he's glad she trusts him enough to talk about things like that, and he does want to help. He nods, solemnly.]

I--I can't say I know about what happened, but I'm sure it's not your fault. I know you wouldn't have done anything to hurt him. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel that way, either.

I never met Kirei in my world, so I don't know anything about him. I don't know if he was married, or if you were--alive.

It's...

[She wants to say it's her fault (because it is, as far as she's concerned), but at the same time, she doesn't know how much of the situation she should reveal. Even now, when her husband has been dead for three years, she feels the need to keep certain information to herself, as though it isn't hers to share.]

I've spoken to a number of people that know Kirei or Risei but not myself. I haven't met even one person who knows me. [She bites her lip, then, and looks about ready to squirm as she says,] I'm almost certainly dead. I never— I never told you about what it was like for me before the War, did I?

[He looks down at his hands. He doesn't like to think of her being dead, but he supposes a lot of people here are dead, and even he will be soon, once he goes home.]

If they're from the War, they wouldn't know. People keep their families out of the War, usually, and I'm sure Kirei would have, too. I don't know many people here who knew me, even other people who were in the War, and I was Berserker's Master. So--it's hard to say. But you'd know better than I would.

[Kariya shakes his head.]

No, you didn't.

It's different than that.

[Part of her wants to look down and away again, but she forces herself not to, keeping her eyes on him as she explains.]

I was on my deathbed. I would have been lucky to live more than another couple of weeks. If the Command Seal hadn't appeared on my hand...

[She trails off and shakes her head, figuring the conclusion is obvious enough.]

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

[Kariya can relate, to being ill. He knows very well what it's like to be on the verge of death, now.]

But--the Command Seals healed you somehow?

[His own hadn't done anything for him.]

No, it's not like that. The Mage's Association— They wouldn't just let me die, of course.

[She laughs, the sound short and dry.]

They made sure I was healed. But, if Kirei were a Master instead of me...

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