animus_network | Video; Mourn the Past, Strengthen the Present

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Video; Mourn the Past, Strengthen the Present

Last month, I posted to the Network asking for those who would be willing teach others how to fight--both with and without powers--to contact me. Many of you were willing to share your talents with those who needed them, and I thank you very much for that.

[Diarmuid smiles and bows his head for a moment before continuing.]

However, aside from a few people who I have already helped find teachers, I haven't really heard from anyone who would like to take advantage of the skills that have been offered. I understand that many of you have probably already found teachers amongst those who you know. For those who still might be looking, I thought that I would post a list of those who offered their services so you can take advantage of them should you ever wish to.

I will warn you, though, that most of these people are battle-hardened warriors and do not pull their punches. If you take them up on their offers, please be prepared to work your hardest. They will expect no less and those who you are fighting for deserve no less.

Here is the list. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. Since I know most of the people on the list, if you are unsure who you should contact, I will be glad to direct you to a teacher.

Teacher List:

Diarmuid Ua Duibhne: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Spear and sword focused. Duel-wield specialty. Can teach all levels of fighters.
Mayu: Armed Combat. Axe focus.
Cerberus: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Knowledgeable with almost all weapons. Specialty in modern weapons.
Saber of White: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Sword specialty.
Aleph: Teaches armed combat. Knows melee weapons. Sword specialty.
Sir Lancelot du Lac: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Specialty in non-traditional weapons.
Ken Amada: Teaches armed combat. Specialty in spears and improvising weapons.
Enoch: Skilled in the use of slings. Also skilled in making them.

If anyone would like to be added to the list, please feel free to let me know. Also, let me know if you would like the information listed by your names altered in anyway or wish to be removed from the list. This list isn't a static thing by any means.

On a sadder note, for any of you who knew Mami Tomoe, it has come to my attention that she has been sent home. I know she was close to many people. She left me a cookie recipe and since Riki has given us such a good selection of food this month, I can think of no better way to honor her memory than to bake some of the sweets she made so well. Anyone who would like to join me is welcome, though, I cannot guarantee my cookies will be anywhere near as good as the ones she made. I--

[For a moment it seems like Diarmuid will continue, but after a few seconds, he just shakes his head and ends the feed.]

----

(OOC: If anyone would like to meet up with Diarmuid in the kitchen to try making those cookies, feel free to tag your response with Action, Kitchen and cooking shenanigans can be had!)

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Why do you think that? Love doesn't exist on a timetable. If would be more logical if it did, of course, but isn't that where we are running into trouble? Trying to apply logic to this?

[Diarmuid gives Waver a gentle smile.]

Now it is my turn to say something cliched, but considering no one can agree on what love really is and how it feels, how do you know you're not already feeling it and just don't know? I mean, there are things people say all the time that signal love--like never wanting to be away from someone or being able to only share your real self with them--but that still changes from person to person...

[He pauses for a moment, seeming frustrated. It feels like he's just dancing around his point, but he's really not sure how else to say it.]

I guess I just don't want you to sell yourself short. I am sure it will find you someday...and whenever it does the person you love will be very blessed.

[And the twisting pain Diarmuid feels when he speaks of another person loving Waver besides him just confuses him more, so he falls silent.]

[Waver quickly turned away again in an attempt to hide the confusion that broke out across his face. Though he tried to resume the simple task of baking they had started what seemed like endless hours ago, his mind was racing at a speed that left the rest of him working on autopilot.]

[That did indeed sound like the standard cliches that associated the concept of being in love. But if that really was more than literary creation (which stood to reason, otherwise why would people write about it since the invention of writing?) then...what? What did that actually mean for him?]

[Hadn't there been someone like that this whole time? Someone whose absence ached like a knife to the chest? More than that, someone that had only ever known 'Waver Velvet' and not whatever he'd become in the past decade?]

[No. This was ridiculous. This couldn't be right at all. Waver couldn't possibly afford to feel like this towards anyone. It was exactly this kind of emotion that was weakness for any normal mage, much less a lord in any capacity. That much still held true even in a place where his title was meaningless. Waver couldn't feel like this whether due to circumstance or emotional capacity, and so he didn't.]

I--

[...'Shouldn't' was perhaps the better word. The fact that there were signs that he was doing something both irrational and highly improbable, had apparently sent the lecturer's genius mind into a short-circuit. Worse than the confused uncertainty and logical meltdown, there was something very like fear creeping into his mind. Fear of what, he didn't know. Rejection? The unknown itself? Fear of not knowing what the fuck he was supposed to be afraid of?]

[Having descended into staring at nothing with a bewildered expression, Waver didn't notice his grip on an egg was gradually tightening and leaving its shell seconds from losing all structural integrity.]

Edited (nope i wasn't done apparently) 2013-09-18 04:14 (UTC)

[Diarmuid remains quiet as Waver tries to order his thoughts. He's not surprised at the confusion that flashes across his friend's face. This whole thing with Karna is making them think about a lot of things that they hadn't every thought about before and certainly not like...that. The things they did when they were together, they did naturally. When they talked about things, they talked about them. Nothing was planned. Nothing really even thought about. It just happened.

But...that is another one of love's cliches, isn't it? It just happens sometimes when you least expect it. Is that what Waver is trying so hard to puzzle out? And if so, is he having any better luck figuring things out than Diarmuid is?

It's when he notices Waver's hand tightening on the egg that Diarmuid finally moves from where he's sitting and gently wraps his hand around Waver's trying to get him to loosen his hold.]

You're going to break it.

[His words are soft, head angled toward Waver's ear so that his friend shouldn't have any trouble hearing him despite that.]

You are as confused as I am, right? We both have a person we feel like that about, but...it is suppose to be a different kind of love. I..don't understand. In the Ballroom, I said...

[The confusion is clear in his voice. Diarmuid's not trying to hide it now.]

But now, I just keep worrying that if you really can't feel love or don't want to, will I hurt you if I keep chasing? I don't want anything to change how we are. I'm so happy being at your side and fighting with you...

I-...Diarmuid, I can't.[He spoke firmly as though trying to convince one or both of them of that, voice unsteady and shoulders carrying a slight tremble. At the same time--would he sound so confused and frantic if he was certain that he couldn't? Whatever this emotion could be properly defined as, it was clearly something rather than a lack of something.]

You shouldn't-...just...

[Waver finally shook his head, stepping away to put some small amount of distance between them physically and metaphorically. That was how he dealt with situations like this, and it was likely the first time he'd closed himself off to his trusted friend.]

This is no time or place to exchange overdramatic confessions. We only have so many months left, and pursuing some kind of relationship would waste what time we do have.[Arms crossed, Waver set himself into a rigid and unfaltering posture, conveying a severity that seemed almost practiced in nature.]

If you're set on doing this, find someone that actually deserves you. Someone that isn't me. Any number of people would suit you far better than I could.

[He didn't know how else to react. For a moment he'd been about to break utterly and say any number of absurd things; instead he'd turned to the cold demeanor of a magus that was and wasn't Waver himself. Even though it killed part of him to do it...maybe it was better that way. Hurt him now to spare him later, right? If Waver had gone along with this...it would just have been a disaster and a distraction from what he really needed to do.]

We should just f-... [Waver's voice very nearly lost the sharp edge as he attempted to conclude what he was saying, but Waver hesitantly forced his sentence to completion.] ...forget about this conversation now rather than have it end badly later.

Are you of all people actually suggesting we not try something? That we give up on something that means so much because we are scared?

[Did it hurt to see Waver close himself off? Yes, but perhaps not as much as it might have in a different situation, because Diarmuid knows Waver. He knows those tells. He knows.

And even if it does end badly, he's not going to let Waver lie to himself.]

There is no one I deserve more than you. There is no one I want more than you and this is the perfect place to work this out because who knows if there will be another! We talked about this. We can be as optimistic as we want but we don't know if we will be able to pull it off or not. If we only have these months left, what is wrong with letting the strongest of bonds and emotions be what drive us to succeed?

[Though his voice is shaking, it's tone is confident.]

We do everything together, Waver. Why can't we explore this new ground too? Maybe it will fail. Maybe it won't. Maybe we are both just confused and afraid because of everything that is happening, but...I want to sort it out with you. Please...don't push me away. I...I don't want you to be alone again...

[Here, the confidence in his voice cracks.]

If you really, really don't want this, I will let it go. I will say no more, but I don't think it is what you want. Please, I beg you. If you must lie to me then do it, but don't lie to yourself. Don't let Lord El-Melloi II take this from Waver Velvet. Please...

You're wrong. You're wrong and you have terrible taste. There must be a dozen other people here better suited for you than me.

[Waver scowled, knowing he'd already lost whatever coping mechanism or metaphorical defense he'd separated them with. His arms fell to his sides, though Waver's demeanor retained as much of that distance as he could manage.]

And we can't because there's not nearly enough time for it. Focusing on the emotional aspect of matters leaves us susceptible to mistakes. We can't even begin to afford to make any missteps.

[He looked away at Diarmuid's last few statements, frustrated. This wasn't right. Logic should have prevailed over something as unpredictable as the apprehension that settled in his chest like a several-ton rock.]

...I'm not lying. We are short on time. It would be reckless to divert much of our attention to something like this. [Waver's hands curled into fists as he pushed a indescribable sentiment back further; that strong feeling that made him want to say all kinds of things he'd regret.]

[Of course he wouldn't lie. But that didn't mean he'd tell the whole truth.]

I don't want other people, Waver. I want you! Why can't you understand that? Whether you believe it or not, you are the best friend, master, and partner I have ever had. Why would you want me to have less than the best?

[At first, Diarmuid had allowed Waver his distance. He doesn't want his friend to shut down on him completely after all, which is a real possibility considering how much of the last ten years Waver has had to spend doing just that--hiding his true wants and needs, shoving his weaknesses away so no one can use them against him.

But Diarmuid is someone who craves that closeness. After so strictly restricting himself during his first life because of his curse and his time in the war because of duty, now that he has been convinced it's okay for him to want this, all he wants to do is give comfort and, yes receive it as well, though that closeness. That is why he finally closes the distance between them, putting his hands on Waver's shoulders and leaning his forehead against the other man's in a gesture they have done many times, but one Waver can pull away from if he really needs to.]

Not only that...

[His voice is softer now.]

I want you to forget all of this. All we have to do here and all we have to do once we go back home. Just for a moment, forget everything but what Waver Velvet really wants, what he would die to have if he could have anything and not have to worry about other factors influencing his decisions for once.

Nothing has to change Waver. We have felt this way for a while about each other and it's not influenced our work so far. It's just Karna arriving that has forced us to look at things in a new light. What happens will happen with only one difference. We are now aware of what we are feeling and this damned placed won't be able and take that and spring it on us at the worst possible time imaginable. Because, you know it would. You know it!

Let our bond be our strength. It always has been. Don't be afraid of it. Don't be afraid...of me...

This is stupid. You know this is stupid...I--there's no way they won't use this against us. We'll j-just be asking for trouble, so don't-... Don't...

[Despite his best efforts, all possible arguments seemed to be dying in his throat. His rigid posture cracked and faded to what seemed like exhaustion, shaking hands reaching up to hesitantly rest on Diarmuid's face. Of course they were asking for trouble; even if they weren't trouble would find them anyway. Even though it was absurd, illogical, and suicidal, wouldn't it be better if they faced it together? Wouldn't that be the logical response?]

...don't leave. Please, don't leave.

Let them try and use it against us. It is our strength. Our bond. In the end, it will always give us back more than anyone else can make it take away.

[Diarmuid looks Waver in the eyes as he says this, leaning into his touch. After a moment, he brings his arms up and pulls Waver into a tight hug.]

I will never leave you Mo Stór. Never. Whatever happens, we will find a way. Everything we do, we do together. That will never change. After all, there is no reason for me to learn to be my own person and stand on my own if you aren't there.

[He buries his head in Waver's hair.]

Thank you for not pushing me away. Thank you for not hating me for this...

[Because this? This isn't what Waver signed up for all those months ago when they first contracted. It isn't what Diarmuid had signed up for either, but he's not going to question the direction things have gone. He's far too happy for that.

In fact, this might be the happiest he's ever been.]

...I don't understand any of this. Am I...have I been in love with you this whole time or something? What the fuck does that even mean? [Waver sighed in defeat, leaning his head on Diarmuid's shoulder.]

What a stupid, tired mess of cliches. This whole thing is patently absurd.

Edited 2013-09-19 01:34 (UTC)

Don't worry about the details so much. Will knowing them really change anything? As long as we know now, that is the important thing.

[Diarmuid lifts one of his hands and starts to stroke Waver's hair.]

It might be absurd, but...is feels good right? It makes you happy?

[A bit of concern enters Diarmuid's expression as a thought suddenly pops into his mind.]

Are you happy? You aren't just giving in to make me happy, right?

I...don't know. There's no way to describe this in such simple terms. While I don't feel blatantly unhappy about this...I believe the most dominant thing I'm currently experiencing would be better termed 'apprehension'.

Don't you realize how likely I am to end up hurting you somehow? Do you comprehend that no small percentage of the risk we're taking comes from me alone? I am not and will probably never be the kind of person suited for this kind of thing.

[Diarmuid shakes his head.]

I'm not afraid of you, Waver. I know you would never hurt me on purpose. If it happens on accident...you know I am just as likely as you are do to something stupid. I might have been married once, but I never got to fall in love with her. Not like I have with you. I really don't know what I'm doing, but as long as we keep trying I am sure we will figure something out.

I love you for who you are, Mo Stór. Every flaw and imperfection just makes you more beautiful to me.

...that's stupid. You're such an idiot sometimes.

[His argument didn't seem to carry all that much weight, spoken automatically more than anything else.]

Your idiot, though.

[He rests his head against Waver's again.]

And that makes being so completely acceptable to me.

[Diarmuid smiles softly.]

Don't worry, Waver. It will be okay. I promise. It will be okay.

I don't have your confidence or belief that it will be. I'm not even sure I'm okay right now.

[He sighed, frowning just slightly.]

What a blasted mess this is.

[Diarmuid kisses Waver lightly on the top of the head before stepping back so he can look the magus in the face.]

What can I do? Is there anything? You know I will listen to whatever you have to say no matter how confused or jumbled those thoughts are.

I--n-no. It's fine.

[Waver stumbled over his rather insistent words, crossing his arms.]

...rather, I think it less 'fine' and more something I should likely attempt to work through on my own.

I...understand.

[Diarmuid shuts his eyes to hide the sadness and guilt that suddenly dampens his happiness. Perhaps now it's finally hitting him that this might not be the best idea, but he doesn't regret his decision. Not in the slightest.]

If that changes, you know I am here. I'm...sorry I added this to your already full plate. I just...

[He shakes his head suddenly.]

Never mind.

...Don't start doing that. I'll admit this isn't the best time, but you haven't really done anything wrong. So there's no reason to act like you did.

[Diarmuid laughs self-consciously.]

Sorry, you know how I am.

[He reaches out and rubs one of Waver's arms lightly.]

Thank you...for putting up with me. Is it really a mystery why I will put up with anything for you?

A mystery, no. Evidence of terrible taste in companions and endless patience?

[Waver took Diarmuid's hand and pressed a small kiss to the back of it before smirking.]

Absolutely.

[Diarmuid smiles at the gesture, turning his hand in Waver's so he can return it, drawing the man's hand up to his own lips for a light kiss.]

I think you got that backward. Am I not your knight? If anyone is to be kissing a hand, it should be me.

[A pleased look enters his eyes.]

Though, I find I do not mind in the slightest. Your kisses, I mean. They are always welcome. Especially, if I have the chance to return them in kind.

Are we really going to argue over which of us should be kissing the other?

[Diarmuid laughs and kisses the top of Waver's hand again.]

No. Not as long as we are doing it. I'm certainly not going to argue.

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Someone reboot Waver...or wait until after this tag. I don't think it's going to help...

that egg is not the broken thing here tbh

Poor poor Waver...

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