[Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

[oathshackledbird]

[Losing Mami, who he viewed as an adopted daughter, last month had been hard, but Diarmuid had worked his way through his grief by focusing on the happy times they had spent together.  However, when three more people he is close to are sent home--two of which he cares for like his own children--those happy memories become a source of pain instead of a route passed the grief.

When he appears on the Network, Diarmuid looks more lost and empty than he has in a long time.]

Usually, when I address everyone, I am asking for help on a project that will benefit the whole Tower.  Today, I am asking for help on a more personal level.

How does one handle losing a child?  Not just one, but several over a short period of time?  Nothing I try seems to work, and I am...

[His voice trails off here, shaking and uncertain.  A short time later, the feed ends.]

Action:

[After making his post, Diarmuid can be found wandering the Tower almost as if he hopes one of the floors might give him the answers he seeks.  There are some specific prompts below, but feel free to find him elsewhere.]

Room 4-16:

[A handmade wooden box sits on the bed next to Diarmuid.  Once it held chocolates, now it holds letters.  Several written in a childish hand are sitting on the top, but what Diarmuid is looking at is a pair of drawings that are usually set up near his bed on the nightstand.

He's not crying...  He's not...]

Floor 48 (The Graveyard):

[Rabbit would probably scold Diarmuid for singing what is suppose to be a funny song in such a sad voice, but it's hard to be happy when he is singing the song alone to the gravestone of the person who was suppose to be singing it with him.  He and Yotsuba had promised to get together to sing Rabbit's songs as a way of honoring their friend's memory...

Now that is never going to happen in any way other than this.]

Floor 3 (The Library):

[There is ink smudged on his cheek and his arm, but Diarmuid doesn't notice.  On the surface, he's focused on printing more copies of the Tower Guide to put out for those who might want them, but really he's in the Library for a very different reason.  Tohko was always here and it's like he feels spending time here will help him find her again--find that cheerful voice who had so often redirected him when he didn't know what to do next.  He almost expects to look up and see her there, smiling and ready to offer her help with what he's working on.

Unfortunately, no matter how long he waits, that will not happen.]

Floor 28 (The Music Room):

[Before even his brother, Labrys had been the first family Diarmuid had in this place.  Their bond created during the January experiment, afterward they had talked about learning to play an instrument together, but life in the Tower and his indecisiveness had kept them from doing so.  Now, as his hands run over the piano he had once heard her picking a tune out on, the sound of his grief blocks any music the instrument might make.

How is it that one who once lived his life with no regrets has so many of them now?]

Comments

[oathshackledbird]

I...would not mind talking.

[Diarmuid's grief is broken by surprise. He doesn't know this man and yet his words have hit home on many things that have been on his mind and things he has done in the past.

Take risks he shouldn't because of his emotions? Diarmuid's been there far too often.]

I don't want to stop fighting. They need me to fight for them since they can no longer fight for themselves, but every time I try to think about doing something my mind just...stops. It won't think and so I can't do anything but fall apart.

Do you know how I can stop doing that?

[crouching_sin]

Work on something productive. Something that involves physical labor helps, since you're tired out enough that you just fall asleep instead of being caught up in your thoughts.

... Where are you?

[It's a risk, but... he knows what being alone is like. He can at least attempt to help someone while keeping his own feelings under wraps.]

[oathshackledbird]

[There he goes again... How does this man know exactly what is going on in Diarmuid's brain?]

The Library. I was printing more copies of my Tower Guide, so that I didn't have to think about all this and decided to take a break. Usually, I would be patrolling the Tower right now and fighting monsters, but somehow I don't think that particular method of wearing myself out will be good for me staying alive at the moment...

[He did it once before...working himself pretty much to death. If nothing else, he is going to at least try avoiding that this time.]

[crouching_sin]

[Human behavior has changed very little over the last five and a half thousand years, that's how.]

I'll be there soon.

[And true to his word, he does show up quickly, looking through the stacks. Hm. He never did ask for his name. Whatever. He'll just wait until he hears something.]

[Action-Library]

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid is still working at a terminal in the Library when Naoya arrives. Since he is going through replies to his post, every so often he will stop to wipe his eyes or comment softly to himself about something.

It probably makes him pretty easy to pick out from the few others who are also using terminals. If not, the fact that every so often he looks up as if he is waiting for someone--even if he doesn't know what that someone looks like--might give it away.]

[crouching_sin]

[Ah. That must be him. Naoya heads over towards him, hands in his pockets.]

... Hello.

[oathshackledbird]

[The voice causes Diarmuid to look up and he tries to smile, though his eyes are still quite sad.]

Are you the one who said he was coming to talk to me?

[The voice sounds similar, but it's hard to tell from only one word.]

I should have asked your name, but it slipped my mind with everything else...

[crouching_sin]

It's fine. I'm the one you're waiting for, I think.

Do you mind if I sit?

[oathshackledbird]

Of course. Please feel free.

[Diarmuid motions to the seat next to him.]

Thank you for coming even though we haven't met before. It means a lot that you would be willing to do that for a complete stranger.

[crouching_sin]

[He sits, and his expression grows weary as he shakes his head.]

I'm... much older than my appearance would suggest. I've lost family a lot... but it's always particularly hard when it's children.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid gives Naoya a closer look as if he is trying to see some evidence to support the man's claims, but aside from the tired look, he sees nothing.

Though, really, that look says enough.]

It really never gets easier, does it? That is what others are saying. I hoped... I know they wouldn't want me to be sad, but I can't help it right now. The grief is so strong...

[crouching_sin]

It never does. Be it over months, years, decades, or centuries. It takes some time for the grief to fade enough to seem functional.

[oathshackledbird]

We don't have time here though. That is the problem!

[There is frustration in his voice.]

I need to be fighting and working to make it so they are safe, but I can't like this. Is there really no other way than for me to step back for a few days?

[Diarmuid runs a hand through his hair and then sighs.]

I don't know if I can do that...

[crouching_sin]

[He doesn't seem bothered by Diarmuid's frustration.]

It's likely to help. If you don't give yourself time to mourn, you'll probably feel guilty for not doing so, which won't help matters further. Give your feelings time to process, then go and deal with matters.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid gives him a curious look.]

Is that how you deal with the loss when it happens? You say you have had to face this so many times...

[crouching_sin]

I'm over five thousand years old. I've dealt with it a lot. It still hurts somewhat, but... I've become somewhat numb to most of those kinds of experiences.

[He shrugs a little bit. It's not something he can really help.]

This... is part of the price for having invented murder, I suppose.

[oathshackledbird]

I don't know that I could ever become numb to something like this. I have always felt emotion too keenly. Wait...

[A surprised look crosses Diarmuid's face.]

Five thousand years? And what do you mean by 'invented murder'?

[crouching_sin]

About five and a half thousand years, yes. And... well. If you believe what the Bible says, yes.

... Some of it is accurate. Large parts of it are very... ah. Altered.

[oathshackledbird]

The Bible?

[It takes him a moment to start piecing things together. Since Diarmuid had lived and died before Christianity made its way to Ireland, all he knows of it is the bits and pieces given to him by the Grail and that information is far from complete.]

Are you saying you are Cain?

[If Naoya is expecting a shocked reaction, he is probably going to be disappointed. Far from being shocked, Diarmuid instead seems curious.]

[crouching_sin]

Heh. That's correct.

[Huh. He's not used to such a... non-negative reaction.]

[oathshackledbird]

You're confused about my reaction aren't you?

[Diarmuid laughs lightly.]

It will probably help you if I explain a little. Your god and the stories associated with him didn't come to my homeland until long after my death. The gods I know have names like The Dagda, Aengus Og, and The Morrigan. Those names probably mean as little to you as the stories of your god mean to me. In addition, my father and one of my good friends dealt with stories. I know very well how quickly they can become exaggerated and twisted.

[He smiles and sits back in his chair.]

I would much rather learn a man's worth through actually seeing his actions than through stories that may or may not be accurate. You came to speak to a total stranger because he was feeling a pain you know all too well. I see no reason to dislike you for your past when your present actions are so honorable.

[Perhaps it is a naive view, but it is one Diarmuid feels very strongly about. Things might change should Diarmuid witness Naoya doing something terrible, but for now...]

[crouching_sin]

I know your gods as well. In my world, they exist as demons - gods cast down after Yehowah defeated all challengers to become the supreme deity.

Though I appreciate the vote of confidence. Heh. It happens very rarely.

[... He makes a mental note to never talk about the Lockdown around Diarmuid. Unless it's needed, of course.]

Though with how easily you seemed to operate the terminal... and you know of my story though you say it never reached your homeland until after your death... you're a Servant, aren't you?

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid's lips press into a frown and there is...something unhappy in his voice when he speaks.]

I think I prefer the version of their fates that I have heard since returning to the world--that they sleep beneath my homeland waiting for the day they are needed, ready to answer those who still truly believe. Especially since one of those gods is my father.

[While there are those who might bulk at answering Naoya's question, Diarmuid doesn't hesitate. He hasn't hidden his status since arriving here, and he has no intention of starting to now.]

That is correct. Though, I would not say I operate the terminals all that easily. We...have our days.

[Diarmuid laughs a little self-consciously.]

My name is Diarmuid Ua Duibhne and I was summoned as Lancer during the 4th Holy Grail War. I take it you are somewhat familiar with the Wars?

[crouching_sin]

A bit. I've spoken to Ruler, and I'm... a bit familiar with Saber, though I wouldn't say that we're friends. Most of my information has come from the Servant named Avenger.

[He rolls up his sleeve, revealing three vine-like red tattoos.]

We have an... understanding.

[oathshackledbird]

[When he sees those marks, Diarmuid's eyes grow wide. For a moment, he seems caught between several emotions. Anger, confusion, disappointment, and several others all rush through his eyes. Finally, a guarded look settles across his features.]

You are his master, though you aren't from a world like ours. How interesting...

[His eyes narrow. Part of him wants to get up and just walk away. It tells him this is probably some kind of trick of Avenger's, one meant to poke at him even more than his words usually do.

However, Diarmuid also knows that this is probably a lot more effort than Avenger would likely go to just to bother 'Mr. Chivalry.']

Do you have enough control of him as a master to see to it he doesn't try to kill my own over a 'foolish' question again or does your 'understanding' not go that far?