00:01

[shoosh]

OKAY.
FIRST OF ALL, I KNOW HOW THESE GO. IN A STUNNING EXAMPLE OF WHAT SEEMS TO BE A CLEAR LACK OF INTELLIGENCE, I ACTUALLY READ THROUGH THIS INANE PIECE OF SHIT BEFORE I STARTED TYPING.
I DON’T NEED YOUR WITTY BANTER AND USELESS INFORMATION SO KNOCK IT OFF IN ADVANCE.
THE REASON WHY I’M BOTHERING WITH THIS FESTERING COLLECTION OF HIGHLY DISTASTEFUL HISTRIONICS AT ALL IS FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY:
I’M GOING TO TEACH ALL YOU BLATHERING NUTJOBS ABOUT THE `NOT OKAY SYSTEM`.
THIS IS A HIGHLY CHERISHED SYSTEM AND I DIDN’T MAKE IT UP THIS SECOND, SHUT YOUR PUZZLE TRAP AND FUCK OFF.
BY FUCK OFF I MEAN SIT DOWN AND LISTEN BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT AND HIGHLY RELEVANT WHEN YOU'RE GOING AROUND SNATCHING PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR UNIVERSES WHEN THEY'VE GOT IMPORTANT SHIT TO DO.
`DESTROYED` ISN'T SOMETHING THAT JUST HAPPENS TO ENTIRE UNIVERSES, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.
THE `NOT OKAY SYSTEM` IS A ONE TO TEN SCALE OF HOW OKAY YOU ARE WITH A CERTAIN SITUATION.
THAT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH INFORMATION ALREADY, BUT I KNOW THAT A VAST MAJORITY OF YOU ARE HAPLESS, BRAINLESS, FLESHY PINK HUMAN MEATBAGS, SO I’LL ELABORATE.
YOU’RE WELCOME.
THE SCALE IS SIMPLE ENOUGH, WHERE YOU GAUGE HOW `OKAY` YOU ARE WITH A CERTAIN SITUATION USING ONE DIGIT NUMBERS, A CONCEPT THAT EVEN THE MOST INTELLIGENCE-CHALLENGED INDIVIDUAL CAN UNDERSTAND.
ONE IS THE LOWEST END OF THE SCALE, TEN IS THE HIGHEST.
THAT NEEDED CLARIFICATION.
AGAIN, YOU’RE WELCOME.
FOR EXAMPLE, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU NEANDERTHRASHING FUCKSPONGES WILL NEED ONE, I WILL RATE THE SITUATION I’M IN RIGHT NOW USING THE NOT OKAY SCALE.
THAT SITUATION BEING, OF COURSE, THAT I’VE BEEN MERCILESSLY RIPPED OUT OF MY UNIVERSE AND THEREFORE STRIPPED OF MY IMPORTANT LEADER DUTIES.
JUST IN CASE YOU’D FORGOTTEN.
RATING MYSELF ON A ONE TO TEN SCALE, WITH ONE BEING DELIGHTFULLY CONTENT LIKE A BUCKTOOTHED IDIOT DANCING NAKED IN THE RAIN AND TEN BEING PSYCHO JUGGALO ASSHOLE SUDDENLY GETTING A WICKED THIRST FOR THE KILLS
I WOULD BE AROUND A 6.
MIDWAY UP THE SCALE, DECIDEDLY NOT OKAY BUT NOT BEING AN OBNOXIOUS BULGEREEK ABOUT IT.
HAD I NOT HAD THE MENTAL CAPACITY, AS I KNOW MOST OF YOU DON’T, TO FLIP THROUGH THIS BOOK FIRST, I WOULD BE TWELVE OR THIRTEEN ON THE SCALE.
IT’S MY SCALE I CAN GO HIGHER THAN THE LIMIT IF I WANT TO, FUCK OFF.
THIRTEEN WOULD BE PEELING OFF ALL MY SKIN, FILING DOWN MY HORNS AND GOING ON A BLEARY AND CONFUSED MURDER SPREE.
I WAS FEELING MAGNANIMOUS WITH MY BRAIN POWER AND SAVED YOU ALL THE TROUBLE OF DEALING WITH THAT.
THIS MEMO HAS ALMOST REACHED ITS CONCLUSION, BUT BEFORE I LEAVE YOU DUMBFUCKS BACK TO YOUR IGNORANCE BUBBLES, I WOULD LIKE TO CLARIFY SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE CLARIFIED:
THIS IS NOT ME BEING OBNOXIOUS AND TELLING YOU HOW TO ACCURATELY GAUGE YOUR LIFE WITH MY SPARKLING PERSONALITY AND ENDLESS INTELLECT
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MEMO CONTAINING A PRICELESS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE INANE AND THE IDIOTIC.
(THAT’S YOU.)

Comments

[caliginous]

Oh, was I giving you too much credit in the thought processing department?

[He taps the camera expectantly.]

I'll make a note.

[shoosh]

THIS IS THE MOST ASS BACKWARDS RETARDED AND ELABORATE JOKE I'VE EVER BEEN A WITNESS TO.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU GOT ME.

[caliginous]

Yeah, I'd agree with you, if it wasn't for the fact that I've already lived it once.

[He points at the camera.]

You are kind of an elaborate, convoluted, and sick joke.

[shoosh]

NOBODY ASKED YOU.

[caliginous]

[Just kidding, he's having too much fun. His eyelids lower knowingly and the smirk stays plastered.]

Turn on the camera, Vantas.

[shoosh]

SURE, BECAUSE THE FIRST THING I WANT TO DO IN A PLACE I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GOT IS LISTEN TO THE ORDERS OF SOME CHEAP ASSHOLE KNOCKOFF OF ME.
THAT WAS SARCASM, BY THE WAY.
I'M NOT TURNING IT ON.

[caliginous]

[OH NO HE DIDN'T. Fine, if he wants to be that way...]

Its already been established that you're a cheap knockoff. Not even worth the pathetic material used to wriggle you.

But ok, I can play your game for a bit.

[He folds his hands.]

Start asking, and I'm not offering twice. I've been rooted in this fucking hellhole a lot longer than I care to admit.

[shoosh]

AND YOU CAN STAY HERE FOREVER FOR ALL I CARE.
WHO ARE YOU.

[caliginous]

I see your time away hasn't improved the functionality of your sponge stems at all. Besides, I already told you.

[shoosh]

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
YOU BARELY EVEN LOOK LIKE ME.

[ slightly... kind of... no he's lying they're... twins... pretty much...

[caliginous]

I tend to agree, but you'll find that the rest of the tower is going to enjoy telling you the opposite.

That and, because your existence has to be the most inconvenient thing for me possible, you also inconveniently use my name.

[shoosh]

IT'S MY NAME AND EVERYONE WITH A FUNCTIONING LOBE STEM CAN SEE THAT.
YOUR EXISTENCE ISN'T EXACTLY A DEITY'S GIFT OF GLOBES TO ME EITHER.
I'M CHARACTERISTICALLY NOT OKAY WITH ANY OF THIS.
I HAVE ENOUGH KARKATS TO DEAL WITH WITHOUT ONE WHO TYPES OUT OF HIS CASTE.
I WISH THE DRONES WERE AROUND TO CULL YOU FOR THAT.

[caliginous]

Try again, shitstick. Besides, the drones mean a fuckton more trouble for you than they do for me, all things considered.

[He pauses.]

Then again, I guess its my duty to inform you that both the drones and whom you know as Her Imperious Condescension are both walking among us.

So on the aforementioned scale, exactly how ok are you with all of this?

[shoosh]

OH GOD
OH GOD
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME
THAT ISN'T POSSIBLE THEY'RE ALL ALREADY GONE

[caliginous]

I'm an asshole, but I'm not that much of an asshole. Its the tower's idea of a good joke.

The drones only come out at night. Your Empress lives here, though.

[shoosh]

[ ok wait no this is skeeving him out. ]

SO YOU KNOW WHY THE EMPRESS AND THE DRONES ARE PROBLEMS FOR ME.
HOW MUCH ELSE DO YOU KNOW AND WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THAT.

[caliginous]

Oh, are we finally entering the state of believing me now?

[He frowns a little. He really doesn't want to mention Kanaya, but he knows he can't hide her anymore now that she's typing in bright fucking red.]

Lets just say there are certain constants between timelines, and I'd recognize that cover up act anywhere.

[shoosh]

EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID HAS CHECKED OUT SO FAR.
THE ONLY REASON I'VE GOT NOT TO BELIEVE YOU COMES FROM HOW MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE YOU ARE.
ON SECOND THOUGHT I GUESS THAT'S ENOUGH OF A REASON.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

[caliginous]

Great, I'll get the motion picture recording device prepared for your stunning inept and inevitable stumble into the proverbial jaws of ignorance that will leave you bleeding helplessly on the ground under your Empress' culling fork.

[yes that was all in one breath don't judge him.]

1/2

[shoosh]

SDLSFDSFKS;LFJDKLG
FUCK YOU.

[shoosh]

WHAT'S YOUR BLOOD COLOR.

[caliginous]

Tell you what, Vantas.

[He spreads a huge, disgusting smirk, focusing the camera on his eightfold.]

I'll show you mine if you show me your's.

[shoosh]

I'M PRETTY SURE YOU JUST SAID YOU ALREADY KNEW.

[caliginous]

I do. That's not the point of the exercise. Jesus, if you were any less of a half-wit, you'd be licking the floor.

[scalemate]

WOW!
1 C4N S33 TH1S YOU KNOW!
4ND STOP B31NG SUCH 4 J4CK4SS