animus_network | anon text (as usual)

[Gamzee continued fiddling with the messages on the Network for a while, half-succeeding in distracting himself until Karkat had a chance to get there.]

[Even though he'd known a few people that had been in his pod, he'd been in no mental state to control himself properly. He'd lashed out against anyone that had tried to console him, up until the first surgery. After he'd had his blood transfused to sopor, he was basically catatonic for the rest of the month, babbling nonsensically and staying in the same spot on the floor. He'd only moved when the retrieval units would come to fetch him for another surgery. It was hell. It was hell and he didn't want to think about it so-- oh, God, how did he start thinking about it again!?]

[He pressed his face closer to the terminal screen, waiting, waiting for Karkat to get there.]

[ Karkat hadn't had a BAD month, but it hadn't exactly been a good one either. mostly annoying and brain breaking. nothing to do. entirely white. he had things to do, like read his books over and over again, but... nothing as harsh as Gamzee. yet Karkat had been still worried.

that's kind of showing now. when Karkat reaches Gamzee, he's grabbing for an arm and tugging. ]

Hey.

[Gamzee had actually managed to get lost in the network text for a while, and when Karkat began tugging on him, he startled pretty harshly.]

Honk!

[He was all arms and legs, jerking back and flailing around in a desperate attempt to keep his balance on the seat. There was no pause between the flailing and when he rocked forward, catching the other boy around the middle and burying his face right beneath his ribs. Better find a reliable way to get facepaint out of your clothes, Karkat. It's gonna happen a lot from now on.]

[He didn't say anything. Couldn't. He just pressed his face into Karkat's stomach, locking his arms around him and bunching the fabric of his shirt between his fists.]

[ eh. he's more than all right with this hugging. the paint is just a part of Gamzee. Karkat's already had blood and paint on him so this is nothing. instead he just cradles the other troll's head. running hands through thick locks and shooshing softly. ]

[Okay, the whole palemate thing was still a little new, but he didn't have the energy to think about how new and different it was, because it was nice. He'd never really been forced to think things through before. Always content with letting it all pass him by. He missed that. Hiding in the folds of Karkat's shirt allowed Gamzee, for at least a short time, to be somewhere that wasn't inside of his own head.]

[He breathed.]

[Karkat smelled like the Tower, but beneath that, he smelled like Karkat, and even if the former was beginning to come as some sort of relief to him, then that just made the latter even more intoxicating. Gamzee really didn't know how much he needed someone to look after him until he'd had someone.]

[He could have stayed there for hours, hunched over, sideways in his chair, suffocating himself in Karkat's shirt. But, he didn't. After he realized he'd been doing so, he reluctantly pulled himself away from the familiar smells and from the warm fingers on his scalp. His eyes fixed on the smear of white where his face just had been before warily sliding up to meet Karkat's.]

Sorry, brother.

[ that look is just heart breaking. in the most pale of ways, of course. Gamzee is just far too lovable for Karkat to ever think anything less of. he gives that face another hug and Karkat nuzzles into that stupid mop of hair. comfort and stability. something familiar. that's what Karkat find there. ]

Shut up. There's no reason to fucking apologize. I'm just glad you're still here with me, okay?

[ then he let's go of that silly clown, still patting some curls and tucking them away. Karkat gives a few pats to the cheek, not even bothered about all the white that will end up on it. ]

Now. You okay? Everything okay?

[All of that attention was snatched up as quickly as Karkat had doled it out. It was hard to not completely dissolve into a stupid wiggler under it, but he managed somehow. He turned his face to meet every pet it received, offering a lopsided smile in return for Karkat's sentiments.]

I... dunno. Kinda? Maybe.

Uh.

Better than I all was fuckin' before, I guess.

[A frown flashed on his face for a second before flickering back to that stupid grin.]

Was fuckin' scary in there, brother. This motherfucker was all worried as tits about you, too. Shit was downright wicked crazy all up in that bitch.

[ well now hold on Gamzee. Karkat's just going to crawl on your lap. standing is for squares and this is totally acceptable moirail behavior. Karkat notices Gamzee's state of mind with that smile. affects of Sopor, but he isn't about to address it. it could have been something else anyway. either way, as much as stuff like that is toxic, it might have been a means to cope.

hearing that Gamzee had been worried about Karkat too makes the smaller troll smile. really like a tired quirk of his lips at the corners really. he continues to ruffle the other. ]

That hole in the wall where I was wasn't so fucking crazy. It was more like annoying and I could have died from pure, unadulterated boredom. White everywhere. Being locked up with everyone else... A troll likes his motherfucking privacy, you know?

Honk.

[Gamzee honked in agreement, not moving an inch as his moirail climbed onto the chair. Karkat actually fit quite nicely, right there in his lap like that. With a little maneuvering, Gamzee's got himself Indian-style in the chair, with Karkat in the cross of his legs. He guessed it was probably not going to stop coming as a surprise for a long time, whenever Karkat decided to get conciliatory with him. Reassurance and affection was a, definitely different, albeit not-unwelcome change from the usual shouting and stomping about. Brother needs a little chill-time once in a while, you know? It was good to see him winding down a little bit, even if it was only for a short time.]

[Gamzee took this opportunity (and every opportunity, for that matter) to drape himself over the little guy, throwing his arms over his shoulders and pressing his chest and head on top of him like a bony, useless blanket. When he muttered, it came out of the side of his now-obstructed mouth.]

Glad you at least didn't kick your motherfucking shit all out, though, brother. I'll take hearin' the noise about a bored you over a motherfuckin' killed you any day.

I don't know... I thought about voting myself off.

[ Karkat looks pretty comfortable like this. he doesn't mind the dangling clown from his frame. for a moment he bites his lip. wondering if he should ask now or later... ]

Wait... what?

[Gamzee went unnaturally still, now. No fidgeting or obnoxious prodding, just still.]

The fuck for, my little bro?

[ just going to be reaching up and giving Gamzee more affectionate pats. ]

Hey, hey. It was just me being stupid okay?

[An unsure grunt was the only response he got to that. Even if he would come back to life, it was more about the idea of Karkat actually wanting to go through with something like that that made him uneasy.]

[As long as he didn't actually do it, though... it was okay. For now. His head hurt. He wanted some more pie. Pie and Karkat would make this shit go away. He eyed the tin of lime near the terminal guiltily.]

Promised I'd stop that. ...Again.

[How many people had told him to quit that shit? Why couldn't he?]

...Sorry, bro.

[ he shook his head. ]

Does it look like I am screaming at you about it? If it's really that bad of an addiction, then it's going to be hard to stop. You'll have lapses so don't fucking apologize like a kicked woofbeast.

[ Karkat's more or less slumping against Gamzee a little. a lot of his nerves were starting to calm. all of that panicky and jumping he felt on the inside is ebbing away. now he's just starting to feel kind of drained and tired. ]

You got a headache?

[ it's like he can half away read your mind o3o ]

[WELL HE SURE AS FUCK FELT LIKE A KICKED WOOFBEAST OKAY.]

...Okay.

[Gamzee's voice was small. He suddenly felt... felt... tired? Uneasy? Worried? Hell, he didn't know what the hell he felt anymore, but it wasn't anything remotely close to what he normally felt like - what he felt like when he first got here, or before they'd even come to the Tower. Gamzee was less draping over Karkat and more putting his entire weight on him. Not that that was anything spectacularly heavy, but constituted a major shift in balance.]

Feels all like a brother's holey pan be scratchin' up the sides in his skull, you know?

[Well, if Karkat was his moirail now, Karkat was his moirail now. There were few things he felt silly about saying, but he'd never really been able to feel silly about being confused before. Sure, he was always confused, but this was different. It wasn't so much a slow pan trying to catch up, as a scenario where it was apparent that your pan was never going to catch up.]

I don't want them scary bitches to take me again, brother. I don't wanna have that weird motherfucking shit up and done at me no more.

[His head dropped a little.]

I just wanna stay here.

I know that feeling so well that I don't think you can comprehend how well I know it.

[ Karkat is taking turns between giving Gamzee's hands soothing pats, thumb idly rubbing here and there. if there's something about Karkat it's that he has no sense of shame when it comes to this palemance. he's cried in front of Gamzee. latched onto Gamzee... still crying. hugged and smiled. so really? what harm is there in being so affectionately pale? none, that's what.

his heart clenches at Gamzee's tone. the guy has to know that they don't really have any control over that. Karkat isn't about to make any empty promises about protecting Gamzee or seeing to it that nothing happens. because it will. it always will. all he can do is be here to pick the pieces up. ]

Gam, I know. Believe me when I say that I don't want to fucking go anywhere either. As shitty as this Tower is, it's better than whatever plans they've got in store.

[ and pick the pieces up Karkat will. always.

because he sort of loves Gamzee like that. ]

[Gamzee wasn't looking for any kinds of promises from Karkat. He'd dealt with enough on his own to learn that you can't hope to find any answers from other people. If that meant going through life making terrible decisions and not knowing what to do most of the time, then so be it. It's not that he was stubborn about it, or, hell, it's not like he was choosing to ignore direction, he just didn't know any other way.]

Yeah...

[He was quiet for another moment, trying to focus on the sensations of Karkat's fingers along his hands.]

I thought, like... when I all was gettin' my wake on up in this bitch? Thought it was the biggest miracle that all was ever to be gettin' itself dropped at my fuckin' lap, I all did. Thought if I could find everyone here, that we could all just go on without havin' to be holed the fuck up on that rock no more.

Didn't think it'd be like this, brother.

That's because we're not supposed to be here. Sure, some shit went down on the meteor, but it sounds like Rose has things under control. Her Seer of Light powers or whatever can sort of help her see the path that we need to take.

[ he offers a shrug and a sigh. this place really does like fucking with them. Karkat doesn't like it when things are prepared to fuck them over. he's already done that. the fucking up, that is. ]

Not everyone ends up holed up on that motherfucking rock anyway. Some of us end up being pretty happy.

Me? I'm just... Fuck if I know. Last I knew you were right there, giving me some comfort so I didn't hyperventilate and pass out.

Oh...

[That future shit always confused the fuck out of him. He didn't really understand it, and he really didn't care to understand it. If they were here now, that wasn't their future anymore. It might have been Karkat's, but it wasn't his. This was their future now. His pan was so rotten that he was ready to accept it without hesitation.]

If they, uh... if they were to be all sending you the fuck back? Would you wanna go?

[He looked up at his best friend, just lost.]

Shooosh, shoosh. It's not going to happen any time soon, so don't worry about it. I can't even give an answer anyway. Shit, all this philosophical hoofbeast shit is just a little too much for even my think pan to take in.

[ Karkat moves just a touch, more like so his legs will drape off of the side of Gamzee's lap. all so that Karkat can lay his head on that stupid clown's chest. it's hard to answer the question. Karkat's dealing with a lot of 'what REALLY matters, anyway' and the like. Kanaya had really been the one that Rose had wanted to stay, right? all Karkat's ever done is screw things up. it's not like he's helping anyone out but Gamzee and the one in his time line had just scampered off.

really? he just doesn't want to think about it. not right now. ]

[Karkat shifting about panicked him for a second, until he realized that the kid wasn't leaving, but repositioning himself to be more comfortable. Gods, what a wreck he was becoming. Was that really what this damn place was doing to him?]

[Gamzee quickly circled his arms around the smaller troll, a little possessively, a little manic. He wasn't. Going. Anywhere. He was going to dig his claws in, as deep as he could, so even if Karkat attempted to leave, the pain would hold him still.]

[Oh, lords, what the fuck was he thinking!?]

[Luckily, his claws hadn't penetrated Karkat's clothes or skin. Gamzee relaxed his hold, if only slightly, letting a breath pass through his teeth. Hopefully his brief tension had gone unnoticed. He took another breath. All right. Think about this for a second. Moirallegiance goes both ways, dipshit. All he was doing was mildly freaking out and asking weird-ass, quasi-existential questions that were probably frying Karkat's pan to match Gamzee's own.]

[The more he wanted to rely on Karkat, be a dependent little sniveling grub, the more it made him feel pathetic, and that made it easier to stow everything away. It helped. He didn't feel so much like a basket case. He'd concentrate on not clinging. On not being such a wiggler.]

Heheh. You got the rightness on in that, motherfucker. Ain't all no fuckin' sense in ponderin' at what nasty noise like that's all is, now.

Gotta just... not think on it.

[Gamzee rested his chin on the top of Karkat's head, arms loosely coiled around him, staring blankly ahead at the network that had still been open on the terminal in front of them, grinning absently.]

[ but Karkat hadn't missed it.. but he's not going anywhere. Karkat instead just takes to stroking the arm he could reach of the bigger troll. they're both wrecks, really. to him, it seems like the only good thing he's done is help out Gamzee, and even that had come too late. so, if anything, it would seem that Gamzee needs Karkat here more. it's not like Karkat hadn't been contemplating what's so great about staying on the rock anyway. even Sollux had given up, preferring to stay out in dreambubble land.

maybe an existence like that wouldn't be so bad. who knows.

still, the point is that this place is still fucking with them both. if they can't at least find comfort in each other, then what else is there? they both need an anchor. Karkat's too prone to freaking out and Gamzee... well that's Gamzee. ]

Yeah... We're supposed to be calming each other down, not working each other up.

I... uh. I can be doing that. I think.

[He nodded, shaking both of their heads as a result, and patting his hands absently on Karkat's legs. Yeah, calm them down. He could do it. He could! He just needed to recess a little bit. Scale back the motherfucking brain exercise and settle in to a more familiar mindset. He just... nnngh... needed... rrngh... to reach... hghh. His arm stretched forward awkwardly, not quite able to reach the tin he'd left on the terminal. Since Karkat wasn't bitching about it now, he was going to take full advantage of the situation.]

Brother, do a pale a motherfucking solid and hand at him what's a big motherfuckin' help in getting this calm-down show on the happy chuckleroad, yeah?

[Gamzee waggled his fingers to further illustrate his request. Out. Of. Reach. Fat. Gray. Shorty. Sitting. On. Lap.]

anon text (as usual)

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