caliginous: [ used with permission ] (♋ AND YOU WANT TO STEER)
yet another bin bons ([personal profile] caliginous) wrote in [community profile] animus_network2012-08-23 07:25 pm
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♋ 007 || Text

SURPRISE, ITS YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD ASSHOLE WITH A SHINY PIECE OF INFORM8TION.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
THAT MEANS YOU.
YES YOU.
ALL OF YOU.

I AM TIRED OF DYING.
SO TIRED I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SIT HERE AND COME UP WITH A SUPER CONVOLUTED METAPHOR TO LET YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING TIRED I AM OF IT.
BUT SINCE I'M FORCED TO ENDURE IT TIME AND TIME AGAIN, I'M GONNA DO YOU ALL A BIG FUCKING FAVOR.
NO NEED TO THANK ME OR ANYTHING.
YOU CAN THANK ME BY FUCKING OFF TO THE ENCHANTED LAND THAT EXISTS IN CLOTHING STORAGE.
AND LEAVING ME ALONE.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT HAS TO DO WITH THAT HUGE BREECHBEAST THAT TORE THIS PLACE DOWN OR WHATEVER.
BUT I USUALLY GET AN HOUR OF THIS PARALYSIS SHIT WHENEVER SOMEONE GETS IT IN THEIR HEADS TO OFF ME.
WELL I GOT THE HOUR OF LAYING ON MY ASS DOING NOTHING.
BUT I WOKE UP A LITTLE BEFORE THAT?
DON'T ASK ME HOW, BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
SINCE I WAS DEAD AND EVERYTHING.
I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT, IT WASN'T FOR LONG, AND IT PROBABLY ISN'T EVEN RELEVANT, BUT I KNOW A FEW OF YOU LOSERS GET YOUR JOLLIES OUT OF TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF SHIT THAT HAPPENS AROUND HERE.
SO THERE YOU GO.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
ALLOW ME TO REMIND YOU OF THE "FUCKING OFF" CLAUSE THAT COMES WITH THIS INFORM8TION.
chronomancer: (♒ be afraid of the old)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 08:20 am (UTC)(link)
Shut up, Vantas.

[Eridan twitched. It was a full twitch, of his entire body. And his entire mind. His irritation with Karkat bled into the anger and came back a little more forceful than natural. It made Eridan grind his teeth in an attempt to calm himself down.]

We don't have anything to settle. You're an asshole. I'm a loser. You leave me the fuck alone, and I'll leave you the fuck alone. That's it.
chronomancer: (♒ I must go on standing)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 08:42 am (UTC)(link)
What fucking question? We're already done. What the fuck do you want from me?

[The frustration was stirring him up and it was stirring up things he didn't need to deal with right now. Yes, he was getting angry, of course. But hot on the heels of that was the hurt and the bitterness and the betrayal. It was such a small thing, really, in the great scale of things. Out of everything that had been done to him, what Karkat had done was laughably inoffensive, but it still cut deep, because Eridan had cared, then. He'd cared about Karkat more than a friend, he'd admired him, in the way one would someone who's infinitely better than themselves. Because he was the amalgamation of everything Eridan would never be, and he'd been okay with that. Until then.

He ground his teeth together so hard his jaw hurt.]

Walk away, Karkat. Now.
chronomancer: (♒ on and on)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 09:00 am (UTC)(link)
[You can almost hear his teeth, sliding against one another, tense and painful and not helping in the least. He didn't need this. He didn't want this.]

I'm not your chore. The game is over, move the fuck on.
chronomancer: (♒ inside my heart is breaking)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 09:13 am (UTC)(link)
I can't.

[Eridan snapped back almost without thinking, bitterness poisoning the depths of his voice as he said so.]

You don't get it, do you. You don't get it.
chronomancer: (♒ I have to find the will)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 09:25 am (UTC)(link)
[He wants to tell. Part of him wants oh so dearly to tell. It's the thing that has been eating him inside, since he first got here. He's learned to ignore it, a little, but it hasn't gone away. It's still there, weighting him down when he stops to think about it for too long. He wants to tell, he wants someone to understand.

But the only one who understood was Fef. And she was gone. And the only thing Karkat had done to him was hurt him, and he was tired of hurting. He was tired of everything.]

You won't.

[No one did. No one would. Maybe Gamzee, if anyone. But no one else. No one trusted him, no one listened.]

You never do.

[His voice was hollow at that, tired. His grip on the gun tightened again, and he didn't remember when he'd lowered his arm, but he tensed it, considering. He'd given him a warning, he'd told him off, he should just--]
chronomancer: (♒ they'll inherit your souls)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 09:43 am (UTC)(link)
I don't--

[Eridan's mutter got drowned out by Karkat's words. I don't hate you, you asshole, it wouldn't hurt if I did. But before he could splutter a proper reply, Karkat hit the nail in the head. He didn't hit it so much as hammered it, and Eridan was seized by rage. The sound of his sanity snapping again echoes in the abrupt quiet of his mind, and he doesn't break down as much as melt into it.

He lunges, forgetting entirely to shoot, then three steps away from Karkat, he vanishes only to reappear at the side, knocking the smaller troll to the ground as his hands aim for his throat.]

Don't you fucking dare. Don't you fucking dare ask more of me.

[The sunglasses are askew from his tackle, letting Karkat see the sheer, manic wrath boiling in his veins. He sinks his claws, teeth bared dangerously and rifle nowhere to be seen.]

I'm done with you. I'm done with all of you.
chronomancer: (♒ I must go on standing)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 10:19 am (UTC)(link)
You never ask. You never fucking ask. You take and demand and assume and you fucking rape my mind, you grubfucking shit. That's all you know how to do.

[He tightened his grip again, feeling his claws digging into skin. Somewhere, lost in the screaming in his mind, Eridan tried to stop himself from doing or saying something he'd regret. The grip loosens, just a little, just enough.]

But it's my fault, not yours. Always my fucking fault. I tried to do it right, Kar, I really did. I didn't care how many times I died, it was just a side-effect, they were just doomed anyway. I can die and die and die and it'd be okay. But then I had to explain it to them. I had to tell them I'd chosen all of you instead of all of them. I had to. I was supposed to. You didn't have to ask, you never have to. I couldn't let you die, not after we figured out. We were okay with dying, we just wanted you to be okay. We had to stop the King, and no one listened because it was us, because we don't matter, we had to figure out but only she listened and by then there wasn't anything else to do.

[The claws sink in again, and his grip on Karkat's throat tightens as he starts shaking.]

You never asked. No one ever asked. Why didn't the Black King Scream? It screamed. It screamed all the time. It killed us all. But no one asked. No one noticed. It's our job, no one notices us when we die, that's what we're there for. Cull us all, bleed us dry. We'll just come back. Go back and start again. Go back and get it right.

[He shook Karkat a little, then let him go entirely, sitting on him, staring at something that wasn't him. Just the memory of her was enough to subdue the violence a little, to lull it back into a murmur.]

No one ever asked us. Do you want to die for us, Eridan? Do you want to bleed yourself dry for us, Eridan? Why should they ask. No one ever asks, that's just what we're there for. We die and we bleed and then She asked. Are you going to stop me, Eridan? And we didn't. We knew. We knew. We didn't stop her because you didn't ask. No one asked us. Make the choice, Eridan. So we chose and we lived instead of dying and we were so selfish, we wanted to see if not dying worked better than dying.

[His hands, perhaps on habit from his usual reaction to these fits, perhaps remembering what he was talking about, took to his shoulders. And then they dug in and tore down his arms, pressing on the cloth, tearing viciously at it. He wanted to tear into flesh and make it bleed cerulean, not jade. He wanted it so bad, and he fought back so hard...]

Don't ask of me. Don't ask of me. We died for you. We lived for you. We're nothing. We have nothing and feel nothing and want nothing and got nothing. Don't you fucking dare ask of me. We don't have anything left to give.
Edited 2012-08-24 10:38 (UTC)
chronomancer: (♒ which isn't yours)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 05:40 pm (UTC)(link)
[He laughed then, and it was the heart and soul of misery.]

Of course I fucking knew, I was the first one she killed.

[He remembers, with the unnatural clarity he remembers anything pertaining Feferi, being approached by her on Derse. He'd been thinking about going back LOCAS and take the plunge into godtier. Talking to himself, past and present and future, trying to see what would happen if he did. And then she was there.]

We didn't want to. You keep talking about her like she wanted to. Like it didn't kill her inside to do it. Why do you think she never killed anyone while she was here? If she hated you all so much, if she was such a fucking monster, why do you think she never killed anyone here? It wasn't that you were supposed to be our friends. You were. We had no Time to do anything else, the only mercy she could deliver you was to do it herself, rather than let Jack do it. We had no time and we were Doomed and even if by some miracle he didn't kill us, the timeline was already dissolving. Someone had to do something, so we did.

[But he hadn't wanted to. He'd trusted Feferi, but he had always known what it had looked like. He'd known. He'd known and he'd felt guilty even as he'd done it. And the guilt had nestled itself deep into his mind, anchoring easily to his self-deprecating personality and his penchant to blame himself for things. Well, here was the big one, and it was definitely his fault. He'd killed every single one of them, by standing aside and letting Feferi go.]

Who should have I told, Karkat? Who would have listened? Who could I trust, when no one trusted me?

[And that's the cornerstone of hatred in him. That after all he's done, all he's given up, no one even trusted him to tell the truth. No one listened.]

If we had told you what had to be done, if we'd wasted time explaining, would you have listened? Or would you have just said Feferi was crazy and I was going on with it because I was still in love with her? Who of you had enough energy left to push the fear aside and act reasonably? Aradia and Sollux, maybe. Captor, if we were lucky. Aradia listened to me, when I told her about Nep's lusus. But Aradia hated Feferi too much to be impartial there. And Sollux and Captor? How much precious time would be wasted waiting for them to bicker into an agreement? And even if they did, would the rest have listened? Would you have trusted us?

[The answer, to him, is a solid no.]

Everything was falling apart. Everyone was scared and tired and confused. If we'd done nothing, we would have died and vanished into nothing. Insignificant, worthless blips in the fabric of space and time. So we took our chances.

[His claws have not stopped moving yet, tearing through the sleeves and into skin. And now there are welts of jade bleeding down his arms. The pain is insignificant compared to the disaster that's his mind. But it keeps his hands occupied. Keeps them hurting someone, while at the same time no one will care about. What's another wound in the great scale of things.]

Of course none of you give a fuck. And you shouldn't, either. I betrayed you. I paid for it, but I still did it. You were my friends and I betrayed you. You didn't deserve to die that way. I'm not a murderer? I murdered every single one of you. And then I murdered everything left in the entire fucking universe, just for good measure, when I Scratched the fucking thing. Hurting people who don't deserve it is the only thing I do.
Edited 2012-08-24 17:56 (UTC)
chronomancer: (♒ they'll inherit your souls)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 07:42 pm (UTC)(link)
[He starts shaking the moment Karkat grabs his wrists. He needs to worry something. Rent and tear and undo. Something. Anything. He's listening and he's not, at the same time. He wants to, but now he doesn't have anything to distract the restlessness and soon enough he's shaking with the repressed urge to hurt someone. To just fucking lash out and not care who got caught in the fray.]

I know.

[I know, I know, I know, IknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIknow. Knowing didn't make it better thought. And Karkat wouldn't shut up and he kept talking about that shit Eridan didn't want to. He already knew. I'd broken him to know, but he'd already known. And Karkat kept talking to him like a stupid grub and talking about that. Eridan twisted in the hold, straining. He didn't know what Karkat was trying to do, what he hoped this would cause, except it was hurting. And now it wasn't the old hurt which was okay because you stopped feeling it after a while. It was the new hurt that made things lose focus and only stopped hurting when he started hurting something or someone else.

He twisted and shook and strained to remember why he'd tried so hard not to just fucking kill Karkat. The homicidal intent that flooded him wasn't the manic, restless violence that preluded the fits, no, it was the logical, calculative calm that had once been his mindset hunting things and was now twisted on itself and turned into something monstrous. Karkat was hurting him and the fucker probably just wanted to hurt him for the sake of hurting him, because everything Eridan had thought about him was a lie obviously and why was he holding back again? Wouldn't it be easier just to snap his neck? Crush his throat? Shoot his head off?

Eridan went quiet and still as he stared at Karkat, what passed of as his conscious mind curling up in itself and folding back. He didn't want to hurt anyone, but he never got anything he wanted. In fact, him wanting something was the most effective way to ensure the entire cosmos would realign and ensure he never got his way.]

Shut up.
chronomancer: (♒ they'll inherit your souls)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 09:59 pm (UTC)(link)
[The weakest link. The sacrificial lamb. The one everyone leaves behind. It's not poetic melodrama, not for him, it's just statement of fact. Eridan rolls with Karkat's shove but doesn't pull back entirely. He keeps his eyes fixed on him with the eerie, intrusive air of someone who's dissecting an animal with a look. Which might or might not be what he was doing. Half a successful hunt was knowing your prey, after all.]

You know what's the problem with Makara?

[Because they're having an entirely different conversation, now. Or at least Eridan is. Quiet, collected, thoughtful. He's panicking somewhere inside, but it's muted under the weight of pleasant bloodlust.]

He enjoys it too much.
chronomancer: (♒ you can't break that)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-24 10:36 pm (UTC)(link)
[Eridan most certainly does not get off. He does, however, reach a hand to finger the bruises he left on Karkat's throat. He doesn't remember he's the one who put them there.]

He cares too much, you see. Makes it personal.

[There's that manic glint again, sharper now.]

This isn't personal, you understand. It's just business.
chronomancer: (♒ you can't break that)

[personal profile] chronomancer 2012-08-25 01:16 pm (UTC)(link)
[He doesn't flinch at the bite. He didn't really feel himself tearing down his arms, a bite is not even remarkable.]

You're not going to make this personal anymore.

[His smile is crooked, not amused, and it doesn't reach his eyes.]

It would've been, if I'd gotten you right after you went and fucked with my head. Couldn't think straight for days, you know? Or maybe after the second time, that one lasted weeks. But this? You couldn't make me hate you so now you're going to try and be as pitiful as you can?

[If you're not gonna lick that blood, he will. It's mostly like an after thought.]

I'm going to cull your ass, Vantas, and I'm not even going to enjoy it.

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