animus_network | .004 ♒ chronicAugustus began drowning in self-loathing. [Text]

[Oh god, why don't you say something. Why won't something come in and stop this conversation? Oh right, because life ain't a movie, and even if it were, he's not the main character. Shit.]

...I made sure it was the end of it.

[Sucks to realize you're the unlucky bit part, doesn't it, Eridan?]

...How?

[Eridan winced. You really ought to wonder how he hasn't collapsed into a singularity of shame.]

...I Scratched the session.

[What, Equius didn't really make that out, it sounded like he said-- oh.]

[He sinks down on whichever surface is nearest, namely Gentarou's bed.] Why? [There had to be some reason he did.]

...because Feferi asked me to.

[He shivers.]

Because she made a deal, and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

[...Because Feferi asked him to.]

[Equius is carefully quiet for a while. It doesn't take a genius to tell that Feferi is a sensitive subject around the jadeblood; Nepeta certainly was for him, and she didn't even do all of the things that Feferi did. "It seemed like the right thing to do at the time"... maybe it was, considering how much they had ruined everything.]

[He'd tossed the idea around a little bit, that they might have to make the Scratch, while they were in the game. Not too much. He didn't know very much about it at all, at the time — not even the name, which he had learned in the tower, from Jade Strider. To be honest, he wouldn't put messing up the session past their group.]

...And you think it wasn't the right decision now?

[He probably should know whether it was the right way to go or not, being Space player and coder of the game and all, but... he doesn't. Clearly, Eridan saw more than he did.]

...I don't know.

[He scratches an arm, absently, then winces. He's still got welts there, from... conversations. With people. So rather than dig his claws into his skin, he rubs his arms absently, as if he were cold, rather than nervous.]

Doesn't really matter much now, does it? Good intentions don't change the fact I betrayed you all.

Betrayed us all... because of Feferi?

[Scratching is not there for betrayal purposes, Eridan. That's not what it's for. There are algorithms for this kind of thing. You don't get to Scratch unless the universe acknowledges you've got to Scratch, because your session has fucked up so much as a collective that it's the only way to give even a possibility of success. So that couldn't be it. Listening to Feferi had to be the only thing.]

[Well... Equius wouldn't deny that he's still not sure what to feel about Feferi. She pretty obviously killed him, and soon after he was taken from the Veil. But he was kind of too terrified or too preoccupied to really keep track of who was alive and who wasn't, so even though now might be kind of a bad time...]

...How many of us did Feferi kill?

[#GoodIdeas2k12]

I... we didn't--

[He focused on answering the questions, not thinking about them. His voice dropped to a bit of an impersonal monotone as he did. He needed to stop making up excuses. That was the problem. He fucked up and he went for the excuses instead of admitting he fucked up royally.]

Yes. I believed her, so I stood aside.

[And let her kill you all without even a token of resistance, right.]

Ideally? Everyone else, including herself. I didn't stay in touch to find out, I went back to LOCAS to set up the scratch.

[That's what he thought. And Equius... he just nods, like this was a perfectly reasonable course of action. Which it wasn't. But he understood why it happened, he would have to be an idiot not to. Eridan really did think that Feferi was doing the right thing, otherwise he would have stopped her, as her moirail.]

...If she killed everyone, we would never be able to make anything of ourselves. The Scratch... would do that, right? It resets the game?

[Not quite, Equius. There's only so much you can learn from the coding.]

No, Equius.

[Eridan starts scratching at his shoulder again. Winces and then stops. He gives the taller troll a look of despair]

Killing you was the deal Feferi made, because our timeline was doomed. She made a deal, so that we'd---you'd have a place to go. The timeline was doomed. Whether we Scratched or not, it was fucked. She made a choice, we were running out of time, and I might not have made the smartest of decisions.

[It's both easier and harder to answer, with Equius not going emotional and violent, like Karkat did. Easier, because he's not being defensive, just stating facts. Harder... harder because he wishes he didn't have to have this conversation at all. His voice breaks a little.]

...I didn't want anyone to die. But... but if we had to die, at least you could survive somehow. It was... it was just like my shitty time bullshit again, except none 'a you are time players and none 'a you should deal with bullshit that's mine to wade through.

[Time bullshit, huh? It was true that none of them knew Time bullshit as intimately as Eridan did. He was the only Time player, after all. ...It was possible that no one in the universe knew Time bullshit as intimately as Eridan did, because maybe no one had gone about it the way that Eridan had. But, you know, does that really matter? Time bullshit? Not really.]

[No one would have had to see the Time bullshit. It's all about... working behind the scenes, isn't it? That's how Time worked? It was how Space worked, anyway, and the code specifically stated that there had to be one Time player and one Space player in each session. Maybe they were connected in more ways than that, maybe not. But they were both complicated as hell, and even if Equius didn't have the sort of mastery over his element that Eridan did, he still kind of understood how it worked.]

Of course you didn't want anyone to die. [You had already died enough for them, is that right? But... what he said, about the Scratch... they were doomed either way...] ...if sessions are doomed irrevocably, why would the Scratch be there at all?

Because it was part of the deal. We were--shit.

[Oh well, you know what happens when you develop a nervous self-harm tick? You will eventually scratch yourself hard enough it'll bleed again. Eridan folds hims arms forcefully, trying to keep his claws from fiddling and shifting and hurting him more.]

The deal was a chance to keep existing, outside our universe. Outside the reach of the Scratch and our doomed timeline.

[Equius sends a look at that arm. It's pretty obvious that he's itching to just get a look at it, if only because it's Eridan and god knows Eridan will try to make it worse if he doesn't immediately make it better. But he doesn't. As far as he knows, the skin just broke, it should heal itself fine in a day or so, as long as he doesn't try to go itching at the same spot again. So yeah — Equius' eage eyes are pretty much going to be focused on your nervous tics until the end of this conversation.]

...Keep existing? [It was... an interesting thought. Equius had never been of the opinion that he really needed to 'keep existing' after death would come to him. Perhaps it could be chalked up to his pretty fucked-up state of mind. It never struck him as necessary. And now that this conversation is happening, he finds himself still a little bit unsure of the whole idea — not because Feferi was doing it, but again because of the whole 'after death' part. There was no reason for him, or any of them, to continue existing. They would have a life after death outside the universe, but... why? Where would they go? What would they do? Who would even want them, flawed and failed as they are?]

[This is much too deep a discussion to be having in the middle of a conversation, even if it's — uh — this one. Maybe he'll go back and dwell on this more tonight.]

And you feel guilty for allowing her to do that. Was there some problem in the deal she made?

I don't know!

[Hands twitching, claws dying to start tearing at something. Damn.]

If we Scratched the session, the ones who died would move on elsewhere. But only the ones who died before the Scratch. So it was either waiting for the demon to swoop in or... well. What Fef did.

[He runs a hand through his hair fretfully. He's such a little ball of hyperactive nervous freak outs just waiting to happen. He might have to go hide in a corner and never come out ~~except for the part he still needs to have Karkat much about his ridiculous excuse for a love life~~. And then, flatly:]

I wasn't supposed to make it. I wasn't supposed to be here. You weren't supposed to be here. Just. It's fucked up and I was trying really fucking hard not to think about it, and Karkat kept pushing and I am a grubfucking shitstain who got all of you culled horribly instead of talking shit out because I freaked the fuck out.

[...wow. Okay. Uh. Excuse. Him. While he digs out his own claws from his arm. Shit. Uh. That was a rather unpleasant, wet sound. Like claws being slowly, methodically pulled out of flesh. Shit. He probably ruined the jacket. Damn.]

...sorry. I mean. About that and. You know. I'm sorry.

[Jesus fuck, Ampora, would it kill you to keep it together and have a serious discussion about all your fucking failures without collapsing into an awkward mess of feelings and slight insanity? ~~Yes.~~]

[As could be predicted by a six-week-old intoxicated monkey, Equius jumps at Eridan's initial outburst, and soon settles for absolute confusion thereafter as he tries to make sense of this poor, horrible jadeblood's babbling and nonsense. Not once does it occur to him that this is what he himself does on a dangerously-close-to-constant basis. No, he's just going to sit here and listen and— wow you're going back to your arm there, Eridan. He can only stay silent for so long, but if Eridan even notices, he's basically staring at his jacket sleeve and not his face. Not too flatteringly, either.]

H-hey— [...Oh that didn't work out so well. Equius' voice dies quickly when That Noise makes its first appearance, and it is quickly replaced by a sharp intake of breath and a face that clearly says, "Ouch". Even though he wasn't even the one trying to dig his claw into his arm. He's just been sitting in here in a state of... well, yes, fear would be the word. Fear would be the word because he is pretty concerned for Eridan's mental health right now. Eridan is not supposed to be the one sitting in their shared respiteblock babbling about incoherent nonsense, that's Equius' job, and... you know what he's just going to go across the room and kneel down in front of his trunk now. Good thing he nicked some gauze from the infirmary, because that wound? Is definitely no longer minor.]

...Before you go any further, would you take off your jacket? [He's not making much uncertainty as to what he wants to do — this is seriously starting to freak him out, and usually, going nurse mode on people is enough to calm him down again. Who knows if it'll work now, because it's not even him in hysterics or anything, but it's worth a shot, and Eridan probably needs to get that treated too. Lots of germs in this room, for all he's done to keep it clean. And even more on Eridan's clothes, which he... does absolutely nothing to keep clean. Hhe doesn't even know about Eridan's clothes-washing habits, but he's not stupid enough to think that every troll in the world is as neurotic about diseases as he is.]

[Yeah, just going to sit down on the bed next to you, Eridan. It's not like this was an excuse to get closer without looking too concerned or anything. ...Well, it partially wasn't. But patching up some guy's wound shows just as much concern, doesn't it?]

[Eridan drums his claws on his arms, which might not be the smartest idea in the world, and then he flushes and pales and flushes again at that suggestion.]

...do I have to?

[Because he really doesn't want to. You don't want to see the things he's done to those poor arms underneath that jacket.]

... Yes.

[Why are you so unwilling to take off that jacket...? If Equius had any idea about the concept of a safety blanket, that's what he would be suspecting now.]

...right.

[Eridan winces. Then very... casually, pulls the red jacket off.]

It looks worse than it really is, honest.

[It's just that his habit to worry his clothes with his claws has somehow evolved into a manic compulsion to tear strips of skin off his arms when he's upset. Which he's been. Repeatedly. Since he came back.

Uh.

Yay for lots of jade scabs? Lots of them. Eridan's claws are very well sharpened.]

[...]

[Equius is silent for a very, very long time.]

...What.

Did you do.

To your arms.

[...yeah, he's wilting under the glare of those shades. They're fucking stupid shades and they somehow manage to look very intimidating right now.

Unconsciously, Eridan goes to show, rather than tell, claws sinking into skin as he opens his mouth with a wince.]

I. Uh.

[Tear.]

Nothing much, really.

[Eridan may notice a strong jerking of the arm that he used to rip at the skin.]

[Didn't know Equius could move that fast, did you? Well, he can, and he's now holding Eridan's wrist in a death grip.]

That's a lie.

[...um. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Shit son, you just cowered the unstable, occasionally would-be-murderous troll.]

It's just.

[Eridan swallows hard.]

...reflexive? Doesn't really hurt all that much. Or at all, really.

[Equius is not having any of your bullshit. And he's not backing down from it, either. This may be the first time it's happened in... well, ever.]

You're breaking skin, Eridan. That is also a lie.

[Another wince.]

It's okay, really! Eq. Equius. Just. You know, Scratches.

[He offers a little hoarse, very unconvincing laugh.]

Haha, me and scratches huh.

[He wilts even more.]

...that's not really funny at all is it.

[action i was thinking more along the lines of 8luh 8luh, huge 8itch]

[action T8KE THAT 8ACK]

[action make me]

[action i will drop this thre8d right now 8itch]

[action please, you ship it too hard]

[action as if you don't]

[action but I am *subtle* about it*]

[action you still have no room to talk]

[action course I do, I have all the room, you could say I've made my own space for it]

[action ...that was horrible]

[action I've got more]

Re: [action save me the suffering]

[action suck it up now]

[action sob oh noooooo]

[action your tears fuel my feels machine]

[action your machine was built by enslaved hands on the creaking backbone of our relationship]

[action do tell me more about creaking backbones, man]

[action oh my god you are intolerable]

[action whoa whoa whoa, hitting on the black quadrant like that, how shameless]

[action oh did you want to go the other way instead]

[action I am a wilting flower, your STRONG advances are more than I can handle]

[action you are a wilting pile of bullshit is what you are]

[action but it's your favorite type of bullshit, don't lie]

[action I will not lie. you are my favorite kind.]

[action I do strive to please, yes...]

[action but I am subtle about it*]