animus_network | ♋ 008 || TEXT

HUMAN TRADITIONS ARE STUPID.
COSTUMES ARE STUPID.
CANDY IS LESS STUPID.
YOU ALL ARE FUCKING STUPID.
NEXT TIME I'M LOOKING FOR AN APOCALYPSE, I'LL REMEMBER TO DIAL THE LINE TO TOWER WONDERFUCK.
HOME OF LITERALLY EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IN THE MULTIVERSE.

ALRIGHT NOW THAT WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY, TIME TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
YOU MIGHT ALL REMEMBER BACK A WHILE AGO WHEN I MENTIONED DIFFERENT SHIT HAPPENING AFTER MY LAST DEATH.
WELL IF YOU DON'T, SURPRISE!!!!!!!!
I HAD SOME WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS AFTER I "DIED".
I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IF WE CAN CALL IT DEATH ANYMORE AND I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT EITHER.
THIS ISN'T A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION.
I MADE A DUMB PROMISE A WHILE BACK THAT I INTEND ON KEEPING SO.
HERE'S SOME MORE NEWS.

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC TO TO HEAR THAT I HAVE DIED ONCE AGAIN.
LAST TIME IT WAS A FUCKING COLD ASS TABLE.
THIS TIME I WOKE UP NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL MY ARM.
THE RIGHT ONE, IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE?
SOMEONE WAS FUCKING WITH IT BEFORE THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHO.
I DIDN'T SEE.
DIDN'T HURT.
IT WAS LIKE SOME FUCKING OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE AND I H8TED IT.

MOVING ON AGAIN.
DON'T FUCKING PESTER ME ABOUT THIS OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR PROTEIN ORBS AND FEED THEM TO CAPTAIN CINNAMON CLAWS.
DON'T THINK I WON'T.

DESPITE BEING HEADHUNTED ALL LAST MONTH LIKE GOD DAMN PYGMY LARVAE IN FIDUSPAWN, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE AT KEEPING YOUR QUADRANTS IN ORDER.
LIKE LITERALLY TERRIBLE.
PROBABLY SOME OF THE WORST CASES I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND YES, I'VE ALREADY BEEN MADE WELL AWARE OF SOME YOUR HUMAN CONDITION OF ONLY BEING CAPABLE OF ONE TYPE OF ROMANCE.
WHAT THE FUCK EVER WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT EITHER.
WHAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS ME AND YOU.
AND HOW I CAN HELP YOU.
I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU FOR A ONCE IN THE LIFETIME FEE.
OR MAYBE IF I'M FEELING GENEROUS, I WON'T EVEN CHARGE.
YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GIVE ME A TRY.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME.
NAME'S KARKAT VANTAS, ROMANCUL8TOR EXTRAORDINAIRE.
BEEN DOING THIS FOR SWEEPS, YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU PROBABLY DO.
SO LET ME HOOK YOU UP.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have a romantic problem in that the only guy who's worth my interest here so far is Jason. And Jason won't put out. How should I fix this?

[Yeah good luck with this one, Karkles.]

THAT'S A PRETTY BIG FUCKING PROBLEM.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELF, GETTING THAT SHIT CHECKED OUT.
I COULD THINK OF A FEW OTHER THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING, BUT I'M GETTING OFF TOPIC.
THERE 8N'T NO WAY I'M NOT CHARGING FOR THIS.
YOU GET AN HOUR.
AND NONE OF THIS ANONYMOUS HOOFBEAST SHIT.
I 8N'T GOT TIME FOR THAT.

Doesn't 'I think Jason's kind of hot' seem like a thing I wouldn't want people to know about me?

NO IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE TROLLING THE FUCK OUT OF ME.
I'M USUALLY PRETTY IMPARTIAL BUT YOU OBVIOUSLY AGREE WITH ME IN SOME FORM, MISTER OR MISSUS ANON TEXT.
BESIDES, IT 8N'T LIKE I DON'T KEEP THIS SHIT LOCKED DOWN.
CONFIDENTIAL.

Alright, here I am, mister blue text. Lay it on me the secret of courting the crazy.

HUH.
ALRIGHT, WHATEVER, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO ARGUE.
WHAT ABOUT HIM DO YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE?

Mostly his intelligence and how much he's willing to experiment on people for the sake of knowledge. And how often this results in death.

I'M LIKE 88% SURE IT HAS NOTHING TO WITH SCHOOLFEEDING, BUT TO EACH THEIR OWN.
HAVE YOU TRIED MAKING ADVANCES BEFORE?
OR IS THIS THE TYPE OF THING YOU WANNA GET RID OF?
BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT TOO.

Oh, yeah, I have. He's "married to his work". Whatever that's supposed to mean.

THAT MEANS HE ONLY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT MAKING OUR LIVES MISERABLE.
AND NOT ABOUT YOU.
WHICH DOESN'T REALLY SHOCK ME.

Me neither. It's hard to get good men who like this kind of thing.

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