♋ 008 || TEXT

[caliginous]

HUMAN TRADITIONS ARE STUPID.
COSTUMES ARE STUPID.
CANDY IS LESS STUPID.
YOU ALL ARE FUCKING STUPID.
NEXT TIME I'M LOOKING FOR AN APOCALYPSE, I'LL REMEMBER TO DIAL THE LINE TO TOWER WONDERFUCK.
HOME OF LITERALLY EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IN THE MULTIVERSE.

ALRIGHT NOW THAT WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY, TIME TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
YOU MIGHT ALL REMEMBER BACK A WHILE AGO WHEN I MENTIONED DIFFERENT SHIT HAPPENING AFTER MY LAST DEATH.
WELL IF YOU DON'T, SURPRISE!!!!!!!!
I HAD SOME WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS AFTER I "DIED".
I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IF WE CAN CALL IT DEATH ANYMORE AND I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT EITHER.
THIS ISN'T A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION.
I MADE A DUMB PROMISE A WHILE BACK THAT I INTEND ON KEEPING SO.
HERE'S SOME MORE NEWS.

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC TO TO HEAR THAT I HAVE DIED ONCE AGAIN.
LAST TIME IT WAS A FUCKING COLD ASS TABLE.
THIS TIME I WOKE UP NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL MY ARM.
THE RIGHT ONE, IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE?
SOMEONE WAS FUCKING WITH IT BEFORE THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHO.
I DIDN'T SEE.
DIDN'T HURT.
IT WAS LIKE SOME FUCKING OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE AND I H8TED IT.

MOVING ON AGAIN.
DON'T FUCKING PESTER ME ABOUT THIS OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR PROTEIN ORBS AND FEED THEM TO CAPTAIN CINNAMON CLAWS.
DON'T THINK I WON'T.

DESPITE BEING HEADHUNTED ALL LAST MONTH LIKE GOD DAMN PYGMY LARVAE IN FIDUSPAWN, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE AT KEEPING YOUR QUADRANTS IN ORDER.
LIKE LITERALLY TERRIBLE.
PROBABLY SOME OF THE WORST CASES I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND YES, I'VE ALREADY BEEN MADE WELL AWARE OF SOME YOUR HUMAN CONDITION OF ONLY BEING CAPABLE OF ONE TYPE OF ROMANCE.
WHAT THE FUCK EVER WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT EITHER.
WHAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS ME AND YOU.
AND HOW I CAN HELP YOU.
I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU FOR A ONCE IN THE LIFETIME FEE.
OR MAYBE IF I'M FEELING GENEROUS, I WON'T EVEN CHARGE.
YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GIVE ME A TRY.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME.
NAME'S KARKAT VANTAS, ROMANCUL8TOR EXTRAORDINAIRE.
BEEN DOING THIS FOR SWEEPS, YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU PROBABLY DO.
SO LET ME HOOK YOU UP.

Comments

text

[terreifying]

ooh wor you're good with love too?
my name is rei ayamnami and my goal is to help everyone in ther tower find true love
so howw about we team up?

text

[caliginous]

THE BEST THERE IS.
HEY WOAH, SLOW IT DOWN.
I GOT A LIVING TO MAKE TOO.
I DON'T ALWAYS DO THIS FOR FREE.
THIS 8N'T NO GAME HERE.

[Anon Text]

[kindofademon]

I have a romantic problem in that the only guy who's worth my interest here so far is Jason. And Jason won't put out. How should I fix this?

[Yeah good luck with this one, Karkles.]

[text]

[caliginous]

THAT'S A PRETTY BIG FUCKING PROBLEM.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELF, GETTING THAT SHIT CHECKED OUT.
I COULD THINK OF A FEW OTHER THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING, BUT I'M GETTING OFF TOPIC.
THERE 8N'T NO WAY I'M NOT CHARGING FOR THIS.
YOU GET AN HOUR.
AND NONE OF THIS ANONYMOUS HOOFBEAST SHIT.
I 8N'T GOT TIME FOR THAT.

text

[viditlibertas]

[Damnit, he sort of wanted to get in to a philosophical discussion- several of those paragraphs were genuinely intriguing! But he has to abide by the discussion flow. Sadly.]

I had not expected one well-versed in emotional connections to offer such services willingly
From my limited experience this is usually a matter of cost

Though I can understand the feeling of a professional seeing their craft misused

text

[caliginous]

TAKING IT CASE BY CASE FOR NOW.
THE COST 8N'T MUCH EITHER WAY.
BUT I 8N'T THE TYPE TO SIT AROUND WITH MY POLLICAL JOINT UP MY ASS EITHER.

[Text]

[tohko_amano]

As Rei has pointed out, the two of us have set up love advice mailboxes all over the Tower to help people with this sort of thing. If you want, we could team up! It'd be a great help, and we might actually get a letter or two.

[Text]

[caliginous]

THEN I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I TOLD THEM.
I'M LOOKING TO MAKE A LIVING HERE.
I'VE HAD MY ASS LOVINGLY STAPLED HERE BY OUR MISERABLE ADMINISTR8TORS FOR A GOD DAMN HUMAN YEAR.
SO I'M *TRYING* TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

[eighteen_winters]

If your offering...

The boy I love only sees me as his little sister and it's really annoying! What can I do to get him to notice me?

[caliginous]

PRETTY QUICK TO GET INTO THIS, AREN'T YOU?
I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD YOU THE COST.

[doctor_dismemberment]

I don't care about romance.

If you're not a human, what are you?

I'm curious.

[caliginous]

REVEL8TION OF THE EQUINOX!!!!!!!!
I FEEL INCREDIBLY ENLIGHTENED.
OR I WOULD, EXCEPT........
CARING ABOUT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PROBLEM, GUY.

I'M AN ALTERIAN TROLL.

[text]

[liquidouroboros]

I'll break this down into a series of question rather than a catch-all 'what the hell are you talking about?'

-Are side effects to this place's apparent resurrection commonplace?
-Did you imply you weren't human?
-What is that utterly ridiculous text format?
-'Quadrants'?

[text]

[caliginous]

DID YOU NOT FUCKING READ ANYTHING I JUST SAID ABOUT PESTERING ME?
YOU MUST NOT GIVE MUCH OF A SHIT ABOUT THE ST8 OF YOUR VISION.
BECAUSE ITS ABOUT TO DISAPPEAR.

ONE: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA, GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE.
TWO: NO SHIT, TROLL SHERLOCK.
THREE: ITS CALLED A CULTURAL QUIRK, GET USED TO IT.
FOUR: YES, QUADRANTS.
FOUR TYPES OF ROMANCE.
I WILL BREAK IT DOWN FURTHER IF YOU DON'T GET IT.
NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T DONE IT BEFORE.

[gloomyapoplectic]

While I Have No Intentions Of Ever Seeking Your Services In This Regard
I Feel I Must Ask What Exactly You Intend To Charge As Your Fee
And If I Even Want To Know About It

[caliginous]

IF YOU 8N'T GONNA TAKE THE DEAL, THEN YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IT.
MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION IS THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE THE DEAL.

[thereisnopie]

...karkat?

[text]

[caliginous]

[oh god now what. every time gamzee talks to him lately, it seems to end in failure, so he'll be careful. but then, maybe its not gamzee. same color, sure, but with all the multiblood shenanigans going around, he couldn't know.]

WHAT?

text;

[chainsawn]

[ totally ignoring the love help over here, she's completely fine with her boyfriend so that's not a problem - no, it's the other part that interests her. ]

Of course someone was messing with you. They had to make you back alive, right?

text;

[caliginous]

I AM PRETTY SURE I SAID I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THIS.
HOLY ROLLING UNDERGROUND INVERTEBR8TES, ITS LIKE I'M TALKING TO A GOD DAMN WALL.

NO, THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO.
BUT THEY DID.
IN FACT, I WOULD ALMOST PREFER IF THEY DIDN'T, THESE DAYS.

[ anon text ]

[pushedaround]

okay, i'm going to, uh, give you a try, not that i'm expecting anything, i believe i do have a lot of spare time,
but, keep in mind, this story is totally hypothetical !!
to see if you are, truly helpful, as you ever so confidently believe,

[ wow, even in anon this is pretty difficult to discuss. ]

let's say i'm red for someone, and that someone is not really, uh, how to explain this, up for it? i mean, i think he's up for it, but there are a lot of things going on with him that keeps, messing things up, you know?

[Filtered: This Anon]

[caliginous]

["Red". A troll. GOOD. Maybe he won't charge this one. He'll also gently put up a filter.]

DEPENDS ON WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.
YOU REALLY WANNA DO THIS ANON, BUDDY?

text;

[yumizuka]

[ You mean there's more than one way for senpai to not notice her someone to be in love? ]

hello, are you still offering to help people with love problems? ヾ(´･ ･｀｡)ノ”

text;

[caliginous]

YOU GONNA PAY UP?
IF YES: STEP INTO MY OFFICE.
IF NO: GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

text

[iron_infidel]

Ah Karkat good to see the other You again.
I figured I would drop in an say hello, just to check up and I can see that You are offering some relationship advice?
Is this wise? I do apologize but I cannot see how you can help Others?
Maybe I am misjudging....
I can inform you that I need no assistance in my quadrants.

text

[caliginous]

[oh god its not!dad quick think fast]

EXCUSE ME????????
HOLD THE GOD DAMN TELECOMMUNIC8TION DEVICE.
DID YOU JUST DOUBT ME?
I DON'T THINK YOU JUST DOUBTED ME.
YOU'RE TALKING TO THE CHIEF CHESSMASTER OF HEARTS AND SPADES, BUDDY.
I 8N'T THE THIEF OF HEART FOR NOTHING.

text.

[vortexing]

so you're a foul-mouthed match-maker?

text.

[caliginous]

THAT'S THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT, YES.

[hystericull]

the fuck be all up and makin your motherfuckin nug think at what's some brothers and bitches gonna actually be all wantin to come the fuck at you for some home fuckin grown, expletively-laced quadwrangling, my screechy little bro?

:o/

[caliginous]

BECAUSE I'M A MOTHERFUCKING PROFESSIONAL, THAT'S WHY.

[reddeadvirtuoso]

why the fuck is everyone around here obsessed with relationships!
its like
hey i just lost my head and i think youre missing some intestines
but we should totally make out over it or something
get it on like animal planet horror week :/
or fuckin
something like that
its dumb
dont you think we have more important things to worry about??

[caliginous]

UNLIKE YOU UNCULTURED OINKBEASTS, TROLLS HAVE VALUES.
REL8TIONSHIPS ARE OUR ROCK.
GET FUCKING USED TO IT.

YOU ARE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB.
NO.
I DON'T THINK WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.
HAVEN'T YOU GOTTEN IT YET, STRIDER?
OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T.
NOTHING WE DO HERE MAKES A GOD DAMN DIFFERENCE.
SO IF I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT SOMETHING I ENJOY.

[cullscuttlefish]

Different. I don't t)(ink I want to know.

But I will )(ave you know t)(at I'm just fine, conc)(sidering t)(e red and t)(e pale. I don't feel caliginous nor do I feel as)(en towards anemoneone )(ere.

[caliginous]

CALIGINOUS ANYTHING IS DANGEROUS HERE.
I DON'T BLAME YOU.