♋ 008 || TEXT

[caliginous]

HUMAN TRADITIONS ARE STUPID.
COSTUMES ARE STUPID.
CANDY IS LESS STUPID.
YOU ALL ARE FUCKING STUPID.
NEXT TIME I'M LOOKING FOR AN APOCALYPSE, I'LL REMEMBER TO DIAL THE LINE TO TOWER WONDERFUCK.
HOME OF LITERALLY EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IN THE MULTIVERSE.

ALRIGHT NOW THAT WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY, TIME TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
YOU MIGHT ALL REMEMBER BACK A WHILE AGO WHEN I MENTIONED DIFFERENT SHIT HAPPENING AFTER MY LAST DEATH.
WELL IF YOU DON'T, SURPRISE!!!!!!!!
I HAD SOME WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS AFTER I "DIED".
I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IF WE CAN CALL IT DEATH ANYMORE AND I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT EITHER.
THIS ISN'T A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION.
I MADE A DUMB PROMISE A WHILE BACK THAT I INTEND ON KEEPING SO.
HERE'S SOME MORE NEWS.

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC TO TO HEAR THAT I HAVE DIED ONCE AGAIN.
LAST TIME IT WAS A FUCKING COLD ASS TABLE.
THIS TIME I WOKE UP NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL MY ARM.
THE RIGHT ONE, IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE?
SOMEONE WAS FUCKING WITH IT BEFORE THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHO.
I DIDN'T SEE.
DIDN'T HURT.
IT WAS LIKE SOME FUCKING OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE AND I H8TED IT.

MOVING ON AGAIN.
DON'T FUCKING PESTER ME ABOUT THIS OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR PROTEIN ORBS AND FEED THEM TO CAPTAIN CINNAMON CLAWS.
DON'T THINK I WON'T.

DESPITE BEING HEADHUNTED ALL LAST MONTH LIKE GOD DAMN PYGMY LARVAE IN FIDUSPAWN, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE AT KEEPING YOUR QUADRANTS IN ORDER.
LIKE LITERALLY TERRIBLE.
PROBABLY SOME OF THE WORST CASES I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND YES, I'VE ALREADY BEEN MADE WELL AWARE OF SOME YOUR HUMAN CONDITION OF ONLY BEING CAPABLE OF ONE TYPE OF ROMANCE.
WHAT THE FUCK EVER WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT EITHER.
WHAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS ME AND YOU.
AND HOW I CAN HELP YOU.
I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU FOR A ONCE IN THE LIFETIME FEE.
OR MAYBE IF I'M FEELING GENEROUS, I WON'T EVEN CHARGE.
YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GIVE ME A TRY.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME.
NAME'S KARKAT VANTAS, ROMANCUL8TOR EXTRAORDINAIRE.
BEEN DOING THIS FOR SWEEPS, YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU PROBABLY DO.
SO LET ME HOOK YOU UP.

Comments

[caliginous]

P R O F E S S I O N A L.
IF ITS THERE TO BE FOUND, I'LL FIND IT.
BUT WHATEVER, I'M A BUSY GUY.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF CULTURAL SENSITIVITY?
SWEET ALMIGHTY T8NTCHAFING FUCK.

[doctor_dismemberment]

Yes, I'm certain that the residents of this tower are just bursting at the seams with romantic tension.

T8ntchafing... what? Why are there 8s in your words? Now you are just being silly. Stop that. Answer the question.

[caliginous]

IF THEY WEREN'T, MY THINKPAN WOULDN'T CONSTANTLY BE THREATENING TO MAKE ME ITS BITCH.
TRUST ME, I'M DOING THIS FOR ME AS MUCH AS EVERYONE ELSE.

I DID ANSWER THE QUESTION.
I'M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING QUIRK FOR YOU.

[What he does instead is flip on the video feed to scowl calmly.]

[doctor_dismemberment]

Oh, you're one of those!

Um.

Excuse me.

[Richtofen sits back in his chair and examines the boy on the feed. Gray skin, black hair, strange horns... He's always been curious about the trolls, but the closest he's ever gotten to one was when the one with the clown make-up bludgeoned him to death in the labyrinth.

Not a good first impression, all things considered.

He leans over and begins typing again.]

Perhaps I was a bit culturally insensitive. Forgive me. But I've never heard anyone use such strange terms before...

[The clown troll doesn't count. He couldn't understand a damn word that one said. At least he can piece together what this one is saying even with the addition of unnecessary numbers and strange vocabulary.]

Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. I'm Doctor Richtofen. What's your name?

[caliginous]

[Karkat doesn't answer right away. He just stares down at the terminal as if it had personally offended him because, well, it kind of had. His yellow eyes are slightly narrowed, the one with seven pupils narrowing just a little bit more than the other due to its sensitivity.

Eventually, his expression evens out with a thoughtful little lick of one of his spidery fangs -- longer than the rows of them lining his gums and no less sharp. His tongue is dark gray as well.

Unlike the other trolls, Karkat does not wear a black shirt displaying his symbol, but a surprisingly dapper suit jacket for a boy his age, hued in the color of his blood with a tie to match.]

Vantas. Karkat Vantas.

[doctor_dismemberment]

[From behind the safety of his own network terminal, Richtofen scrutinizes every visible inch of the troll. This one has quite a few pupils in one of his eyes - magnificent! His sense of style is different than the other troll's had been, too. His teeth, his tongue, the color of his clothing (the same as his text color, he noted), all of it peaks Richtofen's curiosity.]

Pleased to meet you.

I believe I've only had one conversation with another troll before, and that one was [He has to pause for a second to figure out how to word this.] brief and not very educational.

So tell me, what is this "thinkpan?" Is it the troll equivalent of a brain? Are there types of trolls that aren't Alternian? You mention that humans are only capable of one type of romance, so does that mean trolls experience romance differently?

Feel free to explain as much as you need to.

[Yes, he really is asking all of this. He's asking about quadrants. Batten down the hatches, friends, it's gonna be a long night.]

[caliginous]

SLOW DOWN DOCTOR DANDELION HEAD, YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME PANROT.
FIRST OFF, WE HAVE A LOT OF DIFFERENT VERNACULAR FOR A LOT OF DIFFERENT SHIT.
I'VE HAD A FEW PEOPLE HERE TELL ME I DON'T LOOK LIKE TROLLS THEY'VE SEEN BEFORE, SO I GUESS????????
ALL THE HUMANS I'VE TALKED TO CLAIM THEY'RE ONLY CAPABLE OF WHAT WE CALL M8SPRITSHIP.
TROLLS EXPERIENCE ROMANCE IN QUADRANTS.
THAT'S FOUR, FOR THOSE OF YOU FOLLOWING ALONG AT HOME.

[doctor_dismemberment]

Yes, I know what the word "quadrant" means, thank you. Would you care to be more specific?

[Is his human sarcasm apparent enough through text, or does he need to flick on the microphone and say it that way?]