♋ 008 || TEXT

[caliginous]

HUMAN TRADITIONS ARE STUPID.
COSTUMES ARE STUPID.
CANDY IS LESS STUPID.
YOU ALL ARE FUCKING STUPID.
NEXT TIME I'M LOOKING FOR AN APOCALYPSE, I'LL REMEMBER TO DIAL THE LINE TO TOWER WONDERFUCK.
HOME OF LITERALLY EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IN THE MULTIVERSE.

ALRIGHT NOW THAT WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY, TIME TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
YOU MIGHT ALL REMEMBER BACK A WHILE AGO WHEN I MENTIONED DIFFERENT SHIT HAPPENING AFTER MY LAST DEATH.
WELL IF YOU DON'T, SURPRISE!!!!!!!!
I HAD SOME WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS AFTER I "DIED".
I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IF WE CAN CALL IT DEATH ANYMORE AND I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT EITHER.
THIS ISN'T A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION.
I MADE A DUMB PROMISE A WHILE BACK THAT I INTEND ON KEEPING SO.
HERE'S SOME MORE NEWS.

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC TO TO HEAR THAT I HAVE DIED ONCE AGAIN.
LAST TIME IT WAS A FUCKING COLD ASS TABLE.
THIS TIME I WOKE UP NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL MY ARM.
THE RIGHT ONE, IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE?
SOMEONE WAS FUCKING WITH IT BEFORE THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHO.
I DIDN'T SEE.
DIDN'T HURT.
IT WAS LIKE SOME FUCKING OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE AND I H8TED IT.

MOVING ON AGAIN.
DON'T FUCKING PESTER ME ABOUT THIS OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR PROTEIN ORBS AND FEED THEM TO CAPTAIN CINNAMON CLAWS.
DON'T THINK I WON'T.

DESPITE BEING HEADHUNTED ALL LAST MONTH LIKE GOD DAMN PYGMY LARVAE IN FIDUSPAWN, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE AT KEEPING YOUR QUADRANTS IN ORDER.
LIKE LITERALLY TERRIBLE.
PROBABLY SOME OF THE WORST CASES I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND YES, I'VE ALREADY BEEN MADE WELL AWARE OF SOME YOUR HUMAN CONDITION OF ONLY BEING CAPABLE OF ONE TYPE OF ROMANCE.
WHAT THE FUCK EVER WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT EITHER.
WHAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS ME AND YOU.
AND HOW I CAN HELP YOU.
I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU FOR A ONCE IN THE LIFETIME FEE.
OR MAYBE IF I'M FEELING GENEROUS, I WON'T EVEN CHARGE.
YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GIVE ME A TRY.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME.
NAME'S KARKAT VANTAS, ROMANCUL8TOR EXTRAORDINAIRE.
BEEN DOING THIS FOR SWEEPS, YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU PROBABLY DO.
SO LET ME HOOK YOU UP.

Comments

[caliginous]

MAKARA WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

NOBODY'S NOOK IS GETTING IN A NAP ABOUT ANYTHING.
I WAS TAKING A MOMENT TO ADMIRE YOUR APPARENT ABUNDANT KNOWLEDGE IN MY TRADE.
YOU GOTTA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TO MAKE A JUDGMENT *BRO*.

[hystericull]

it fuckin could if all you wanted it to. ;o)

AND *YOU* ALL GOTTA BE KNOWING FUCKING WHAT THE FUCK NOISE A BRO BE UP AND YAPPIN AT BEFORE YOU ALL LAY FUCKING THEM DOPE ASS PITYBEATS DOWN ON THE GENERAL MOTHERFUCKIN PUBLICNESS LIKE YOU ALL ARE TO BE MOTHERFUCKING DOING HERE.
all lookin at like some fuckin shitty romcom what's gone convolutedly buck wild across the whole motherfuckin textual universe.
BUT, LIKE.
what all good noise do i got that be making you out to be something what's fuckin more than a nub-horned quack, motherfucker?
IS WHAT ALL THAT I AM REALLY MOTHER FUCKING ASKING AT YOU.

[caliginous]

THERE ARE NO FUCKING PITYBEATS BEING LAYED DOWN ANYWHERE, SHITHEAD.
YOU WANT FUCKING CREDENTIALS?
FINE.
THEN YOU WOULDN'T MIND LEADING BY EXAMPLE.

[hystericull]

THE FUCK IS YOU MOTHERFUCKING GETTING AT, MOTHERFUCKER?
you be all jonesing to want something in particulars from me to you.
ALL A MOTHERFUCKER'S GOTTA DO IS JUST TO BE MOTHER FUCKIN ASKIN ON IT.

[caliginous]

AND YOU'RE DREAMING, YOU FROTHING LOONEYBLOCK NOOKLICKER.
I WANT YOU TO QUIT W8STING MY TIME AND EITHER STEP UP OR FUCK OFF.
YOU'RE THE ONE COMING IN HERE TO IRRIT8 THE SHIT OUT OF ME FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON.

[hystericull]

aw, that's much fuckin harshnasty of you, my brother.
TURNING AWAY A MOTHERFUCKIN BRO IN NEED LIKE WHAT'S YOU'RE ALL DOING AT ME RIGHT NOW.
cold as a fresh motherfucking pair of highblooded titties, you all fuckin are.
JUST AS MOTHER FUCKING WELL THAT IS.
ain't got much faith to scrape outta this piety tin for your hypofuckinthetical skills when it be coming to this motherfucker's case anyway.

[caliginous]

IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY FUCKING LOOKING FOR HELP, THEN MAYBE I WOULD'VE GIVEN IT.
I'M STILL LISTENING, ASSHOLE.
IF NOT, THEN I HAVE OTHER PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.

[hystericull]

ain't it all like, your motherfuckin job to be advising them brothers and bitches on what the fuck they want.
WHEN THEY BE TURNED AROUND NOT KNOWIN WHAT ALL THE FUCK SITCH GONNA END UP OUT TO BE FUCKIN MONEY IN THE ENDWAYS?
ain't that all still being fuckin a thing what you're supposed to mother fucking rectify?

[caliginous]

YES.
YES IT IS.
NOW ARE YOU GOING TO TALK TO ME, OR ARE WE GOING TO CONTINUE TO RUN AROUND THE PROVERBIAL SHRUBBERY????????

[hystericull]

de fuckin pends.
DOES THAT TUBBY BLUE ASS YOURS NEED SOME MORE MOTHER FUCKING EXERCISE?

[caliginous]

YOU KNOW.
I'M WELL AWARE THAT STARING AT MY ASS IS A POPULAR PAST TIME.
BUT YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO TRY A LITTLE HARDER TO GET A FREE RUN OUT OF ME, MAKARA.

[hystericull]

HAHAHA, WHOA, HOLD THE FUCK UP.
is that to be motherfuckin meaning what you're all to be like, taking payments for some fuckin extra services?

[caliginous]

SOUNDING A LITTLE DESPER8 THERE, MAKARA.
NOT THAT I BLAME YOU.

[hystericull]

maybe you're bein in the fuckin correctness at that one, motherfucker.
HAVE TO BE A PRETTY SORE FUCKIN DESPERATE ASS TO BE ASKIN THEM THINGS AT A MOTHERFUCKER LIKE WHAT'S YOU ALL ARE.
was just fuckin getting my curiosity on at that undisclosed service list you be all seeming to have fuckin alluded to.
BUT, UH.
the fuck were we on about, again?

[caliginous]

NOT A SORE ASS UNTIL I'M THROUGH WITH IT, MAKARA.
LIKE IT OR NOT, I'M A HOT TICKET ITEM.
AS PROVEN BY YOUR "CURIOUSITY".
IT 8N'T EXACTLY UNDISCLOSED, THERE'S HARDLY WORTHY FORM OF PAYMENT AROUND THIS FUCKING SHITHOLE, IS ALL.

YOU WERE W8STING MY TIME, MOSTLY.
UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

[hystericull]

[But wasting everyone"s time is his specialty.]

you sure you fuckin got all the right motherfucker's ass what's to be all up and gettin metaphorically sored up?

AIN'T ALL GOT NONE OF MUCH FUCKING CONCERN ON THE ALLEGED TEMPS ALL WHAT MAY BE FUCKIN ASSOCIATED AT THAT COMMODITY YOURS.
the real fuckin inquiry a motherfucker should all be spouting at a brother be this.
CAN IT ALL BE THAT YOU UP AND FUCKIN GET YOUR HEAR ON OUT OF A MOTHERFUCKER WITHOUT WHAT'S ALSO BEING TO SOLICIT MOTHERFUCKIN ALL UP AND DOWN HIS FUCKIN BACKSIDE?

[caliginous]

ONE THOUSAND FUCKING PERCENT, STINKHEAP.

YES.
IT CAN.
BECAUSE, NEWSFLASH, GAMZEE.
I DON'T NEED TO STRUGGLE TO FILL MY QUADRANTS.
I SIMPLY CHOOSE NOT TO.
SO EVERYONE ELSE GETS TO MAKE USE OF MY TALENT.
AREN'T YOU A FUCKING LUCKY QUACKBEAST.

[Private.]

[hystericull]

honk honk honk.
THE MOST LUCKIEST OF MOTHERFUCKIN QUACKBEASTS.
ain't much a motherfucking struggle so much as not havin no desire to personally.
CEPT ALL WHEN KINDS OF DESIRABLE OPPORTUNITIES HAVE BEEN LAVISHLY FUCKIN GETTING THEIR PRESENTATION ON.
can't help but all be thinking it ain't much motherfuckin fair to be making someone be tethered to an ass such what is my mother fucking own.
ALSO MAYBE ALL BELATEDLY THINKIN THIS MOTHERFUCKING MIGHT BE SOMETHIN BETTER BROUGHT THE FUCK UP TO ONE VANTAS THAT AIN'T GOT SOME PERPETUALLY BLUE FUCKIN SHAMEGLOBES.