animus_network | ♋ 008 || TEXT

HUMAN TRADITIONS ARE STUPID.
COSTUMES ARE STUPID.
CANDY IS LESS STUPID.
YOU ALL ARE FUCKING STUPID.
NEXT TIME I'M LOOKING FOR AN APOCALYPSE, I'LL REMEMBER TO DIAL THE LINE TO TOWER WONDERFUCK.
HOME OF LITERALLY EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IN THE MULTIVERSE.

ALRIGHT NOW THAT WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY, TIME TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
YOU MIGHT ALL REMEMBER BACK A WHILE AGO WHEN I MENTIONED DIFFERENT SHIT HAPPENING AFTER MY LAST DEATH.
WELL IF YOU DON'T, SURPRISE!!!!!!!!
I HAD SOME WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS AFTER I "DIED".
I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IF WE CAN CALL IT DEATH ANYMORE AND I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT EITHER.
THIS ISN'T A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION.
I MADE A DUMB PROMISE A WHILE BACK THAT I INTEND ON KEEPING SO.
HERE'S SOME MORE NEWS.

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC TO TO HEAR THAT I HAVE DIED ONCE AGAIN.
LAST TIME IT WAS A FUCKING COLD ASS TABLE.
THIS TIME I WOKE UP NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL MY ARM.
THE RIGHT ONE, IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE?
SOMEONE WAS FUCKING WITH IT BEFORE THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHO.
I DIDN'T SEE.
DIDN'T HURT.
IT WAS LIKE SOME FUCKING OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE AND I H8TED IT.

MOVING ON AGAIN.
DON'T FUCKING PESTER ME ABOUT THIS OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR PROTEIN ORBS AND FEED THEM TO CAPTAIN CINNAMON CLAWS.
DON'T THINK I WON'T.

DESPITE BEING HEADHUNTED ALL LAST MONTH LIKE GOD DAMN PYGMY LARVAE IN FIDUSPAWN, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE AT KEEPING YOUR QUADRANTS IN ORDER.
LIKE LITERALLY TERRIBLE.
PROBABLY SOME OF THE WORST CASES I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND YES, I'VE ALREADY BEEN MADE WELL AWARE OF SOME YOUR HUMAN CONDITION OF ONLY BEING CAPABLE OF ONE TYPE OF ROMANCE.
WHAT THE FUCK EVER WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT EITHER.
WHAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS ME AND YOU.
AND HOW I CAN HELP YOU.
I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU FOR A ONCE IN THE LIFETIME FEE.
OR MAYBE IF I'M FEELING GENEROUS, I WON'T EVEN CHARGE.
YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GIVE ME A TRY.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME.
NAME'S KARKAT VANTAS, ROMANCUL8TOR EXTRAORDINAIRE.
BEEN DOING THIS FOR SWEEPS, YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU PROBABLY DO.
SO LET ME HOOK YOU UP.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

OK BACK UP THE RUMPUS ROVER, YOU LOST ME.
WHO AM I TALKING TO HERE?

[Because something has to be backwards.]

oh, uh. shit.
hang on.

[Gamzee proceeds to turn on the video feed, giving Karkat a good look at his very much human self.]

[And when Karkat gets a load of that he just sort of. Stares for a few good moments. He takes a few minutes to make sure he's not missing something -- but this is definitely a human.

Weird. He starts to reply with text:]

WOW.
NO WONDER YOU WERE SO FUCKING CONFUSED.

[Except Karkat is still kind of confused, so after a good thirty seconds of letting that text sit, he'll flip the video feed on himself, half hunched in the corner of the hallway, tie slightly loosened around his dishelved collar. He never looked nearly as neat and kept as he used to when he first arrived. Animus had done a number on his usual habits, but even with that seven-pupiled eye and the spider-like fangs slightly protruding from his upper lip, it doesn't diminish the old fashioned Vantas Scowl.

After what he's seen in Animus so far, this doesn't seem all that farfetched, but he needs to clarify just to make sure.]

You are Gamzee, aren't you?

[That's going to be hard to get used to. Gamzee has to take a couple moments to stare as well. ...Karkat makes everything look good, though. He has something of a bias in that department.]

Sure as Faygo's sweet, motherfucker.

It's alright. This... [He gestures to himself in general.] is all kinda fuckin' new for me too.

Did the Tower do that to you or what?

[Karkat is still very obviously on edge, talking civilly to Gamzee. But this one doesn't act like he's going to turn on him and crack his skull in at the drop of a hat, so its not that bad.]

[He shakes his head.]

Nah, bro. I was always as pink as all this. Just didn't know it.

[Wait, that requires further explanation.]

Uh... I mean, it's kinda motherfuckin' complicated. We were made to be believing we were trolls? But weren't none of it actually real.

[...yeah, he's not getting it. His one eyebrow disappears into his hair, but like all other anomalies he's been introduced to, he knows that thinking about it too much is going to give him a panache.

So he simply accepts it.]

Shitty. There are few things I could think of that I would rather be less.

Ain't so bad as all that.

Sucks to have none of the actual abilities I had, but it could be worse. I think?

My pan ain't rotted to shit. Sedative fog's gone and motherfuckin' cleared.

Soooooooo...

[Wow, this is really awkward.]

That's good. How long have you been stuck around this joint? Missed a couple of the newbies while I was protecting the interests of my lifespan.

Not... all that sure...

[Hold on, this requires thought.]

Couple fuckin' perigees? Motherfuck. Can't even get my digits on human time.

Don't worry about it. You're still talking to a troll. Not like I have a better grasp of it than you do.

Shit, I need to get back in the game here.

What all sorta game would that be?

The game of what the hell is going on in this Tower.

That anything you think you can even motherfuckin' solve?

♋ 008 || TEXT

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