♋ 008 || TEXT

[caliginous]

HUMAN TRADITIONS ARE STUPID.
COSTUMES ARE STUPID.
CANDY IS LESS STUPID.
YOU ALL ARE FUCKING STUPID.
NEXT TIME I'M LOOKING FOR AN APOCALYPSE, I'LL REMEMBER TO DIAL THE LINE TO TOWER WONDERFUCK.
HOME OF LITERALLY EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IN THE MULTIVERSE.

ALRIGHT NOW THAT WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY, TIME TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
YOU MIGHT ALL REMEMBER BACK A WHILE AGO WHEN I MENTIONED DIFFERENT SHIT HAPPENING AFTER MY LAST DEATH.
WELL IF YOU DON'T, SURPRISE!!!!!!!!
I HAD SOME WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS AFTER I "DIED".
I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IF WE CAN CALL IT DEATH ANYMORE AND I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT EITHER.
THIS ISN'T A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION.
I MADE A DUMB PROMISE A WHILE BACK THAT I INTEND ON KEEPING SO.
HERE'S SOME MORE NEWS.

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC TO TO HEAR THAT I HAVE DIED ONCE AGAIN.
LAST TIME IT WAS A FUCKING COLD ASS TABLE.
THIS TIME I WOKE UP NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL MY ARM.
THE RIGHT ONE, IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE?
SOMEONE WAS FUCKING WITH IT BEFORE THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHO.
I DIDN'T SEE.
DIDN'T HURT.
IT WAS LIKE SOME FUCKING OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE AND I H8TED IT.

MOVING ON AGAIN.
DON'T FUCKING PESTER ME ABOUT THIS OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR PROTEIN ORBS AND FEED THEM TO CAPTAIN CINNAMON CLAWS.
DON'T THINK I WON'T.

DESPITE BEING HEADHUNTED ALL LAST MONTH LIKE GOD DAMN PYGMY LARVAE IN FIDUSPAWN, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE AT KEEPING YOUR QUADRANTS IN ORDER.
LIKE LITERALLY TERRIBLE.
PROBABLY SOME OF THE WORST CASES I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND YES, I'VE ALREADY BEEN MADE WELL AWARE OF SOME YOUR HUMAN CONDITION OF ONLY BEING CAPABLE OF ONE TYPE OF ROMANCE.
WHAT THE FUCK EVER WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT EITHER.
WHAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS ME AND YOU.
AND HOW I CAN HELP YOU.
I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU FOR A ONCE IN THE LIFETIME FEE.
OR MAYBE IF I'M FEELING GENEROUS, I WON'T EVEN CHARGE.
YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GIVE ME A TRY.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME.
NAME'S KARKAT VANTAS, ROMANCUL8TOR EXTRAORDINAIRE.
BEEN DOING THIS FOR SWEEPS, YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU PROBABLY DO.
SO LET ME HOOK YOU UP.

Comments

[gloomyapoplectic]

If You Have Somehow Managed To Fashion Yourself An Office In This Horrible Cylindrical Prisonblock I Might Actually Give You Some Credit
Though Such Credit Would Immediately Be Rescinded In Light Of Both Your Hypocrisy And Your Remarks On The Numerous Things That Make Me Unflattering

Please Tell Me You Dont Actually Have An Office

[caliginous]

PAY UP THEN, LOSER, WE'RE GOING ROMANCUL8ING.
OF COURSE I HAVE A FUCKING OFFICE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, SPARE ME THE SELF-LOATHING HOOFBEAST SHIT, MARYAM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT.

[gloomyapoplectic]

I Said That Your Credit Was Immediately Rescinded So There Is Not Going To Be Any Paying Up Or Romanculating Going On Here

I Only Have One Quadrant To Keep In Order And You Are Well Acquainted With It
So It Should Be Obvious That I Really Dont Require Your Help

[caliginous]

ALL I HEAR IS BLUH BLUH BLUH.
BITCH BITCH BITCH.
LAST I CHECKED, I WAS THE PACIFIER HERE.
SO NO, YOU'RE ACTUALLY WRONG.
YOU NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET.

KANAYA, USE YOUR SPONGE FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
THE POINT OF ROMANCUL8ING IS ADVANCING QUADRANTS.
AS IN HELPING FILL THEM, AND KEEPING THEM FILLED.
HAVING EMPTY QUADRANTS IS A PROBLEM FOR US, AND YOU KNOW THAT!
UNLESS YOU HAVE MY JOB, THEN IT DOESN'T MATTER.
BUT YOU DON'T.
SO.

[gloomyapoplectic]

Clean Out Your Auricular Clots Then Because I Said Much More Than That
You





Ugh
If I Listen To Whatever ROMANCUL8ING Lecture You Have For Me
Can We Agree Never To Discuss This Again

[caliginous]

I'LL TAKE IT UNDER ADVISEMENT.

[gloomyapoplectic]

Then I Suppose I Will See You In Your Office At Ten
And Just For The Record
I Only Defer To This Option Due To The Absence Of Horrorterrors To Throw Myself To Instead