♋ 008 || TEXT

[caliginous]

HUMAN TRADITIONS ARE STUPID.
COSTUMES ARE STUPID.
CANDY IS LESS STUPID.
YOU ALL ARE FUCKING STUPID.
NEXT TIME I'M LOOKING FOR AN APOCALYPSE, I'LL REMEMBER TO DIAL THE LINE TO TOWER WONDERFUCK.
HOME OF LITERALLY EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IN THE MULTIVERSE.

ALRIGHT NOW THAT WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY, TIME TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
YOU MIGHT ALL REMEMBER BACK A WHILE AGO WHEN I MENTIONED DIFFERENT SHIT HAPPENING AFTER MY LAST DEATH.
WELL IF YOU DON'T, SURPRISE!!!!!!!!
I HAD SOME WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS AFTER I "DIED".
I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IF WE CAN CALL IT DEATH ANYMORE AND I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT EITHER.
THIS ISN'T A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION.
I MADE A DUMB PROMISE A WHILE BACK THAT I INTEND ON KEEPING SO.
HERE'S SOME MORE NEWS.

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC TO TO HEAR THAT I HAVE DIED ONCE AGAIN.
LAST TIME IT WAS A FUCKING COLD ASS TABLE.
THIS TIME I WOKE UP NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL MY ARM.
THE RIGHT ONE, IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE?
SOMEONE WAS FUCKING WITH IT BEFORE THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHO.
I DIDN'T SEE.
DIDN'T HURT.
IT WAS LIKE SOME FUCKING OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE AND I H8TED IT.

MOVING ON AGAIN.
DON'T FUCKING PESTER ME ABOUT THIS OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR PROTEIN ORBS AND FEED THEM TO CAPTAIN CINNAMON CLAWS.
DON'T THINK I WON'T.

DESPITE BEING HEADHUNTED ALL LAST MONTH LIKE GOD DAMN PYGMY LARVAE IN FIDUSPAWN, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE AT KEEPING YOUR QUADRANTS IN ORDER.
LIKE LITERALLY TERRIBLE.
PROBABLY SOME OF THE WORST CASES I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND YES, I'VE ALREADY BEEN MADE WELL AWARE OF SOME YOUR HUMAN CONDITION OF ONLY BEING CAPABLE OF ONE TYPE OF ROMANCE.
WHAT THE FUCK EVER WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT EITHER.
WHAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS ME AND YOU.
AND HOW I CAN HELP YOU.
I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU FOR A ONCE IN THE LIFETIME FEE.
OR MAYBE IF I'M FEELING GENEROUS, I WON'T EVEN CHARGE.
YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GIVE ME A TRY.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME.
NAME'S KARKAT VANTAS, ROMANCUL8TOR EXTRAORDINAIRE.
BEEN DOING THIS FOR SWEEPS, YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU PROBABLY DO.
SO LET ME HOOK YOU UP.

Comments

[caliginous]

CALIGINOUS ANYTHING IS DANGEROUS HERE.
I DON'T BLAME YOU.

[cullscuttlefish]

I reely couldn't agree more.

So. Is t)(is t)(e part w)(ere you ask me about the otter two, t)(en tell me I'm finsane for being flus)(ed for a )(uman, even t)(oug)( we work well toget)(er? W)(ere I don't t)(ink I could pity )(im more if I tried?

Because I'm not going to just give t)(at up. It's one of the few t)(ings t)(at reely, reely makes me )(appy, Karcrab.

[caliginous]

THAT WOULD BE THE PART, YEAH.
EXCEPT THEN I'D BE A HYPOCRITE, BECAUSE I ALREADY SHOVED STRIDER AND AMPORA TOGETHER.
SO.
........
EXCEPT THAT WAS PALE, NOT FLUSHED.
SO YEAH.
I STILL THINK YOU'RE W8STING A PERFECTLY GOOD CONCUPISCENT QUADRANT ON A PINK FLESHY MEATBAG.

[cullscuttlefish]

I don't. I cod say somefin reely bitc)(y )(ere about w)(ere, exactly, most of t)(e rest of t)(e trolls around )(ere were w)(en I needed someone, and w)(y t)(at led to a carpload of misdirected vague pale feelings towards a lot of you, but I was going to leave t)(at out. Only, w)(oops, t)(ere it is.

O)(. About t)(at? My moirail from back )(ome? )(ere now. T)(ings started off kind of awkward, given t)(at )(e krilled me back )(ome, but we're working on it. It's betta t)(an me kind of vaguely feeling pale for everyguppy )(ere and needing to )(ave t)(at returned and it never actually being returned.

Anemoneway, my matesprit was t)(ere for me w)(en I needed someguppy. My feelings went red. )(e returned t)(em. )(e's never once gone back on that, or flipped quadrants, or anyfin. And my feelings )(ave never once c)(anged. It's as s)(rimple as t)(at.

[caliginous]

SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT, PRINCESS.
OCCASIONALLY, I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS TO WORRY ABOUT.

HOLD ON.
BACK THE FUCK UP.
YOUR *MOIRAIL* KRILLED
FUCK
KILLED
YOUR MOIRAIL KILLED YOU????????
WHAT THE FUCK.
DID YOU BOTH MISS TROLL EXISTENCE 101 OR WHAT?

filtered private;

[cullscuttlefish]

To be fair, I broke t)(ings off wit)( )(im before )(e killed me. I didn't know )(e'd do a coddamn pirouette off t)(e )(andle and go on a killing spree a w)(ile after t)(at. T)(ings were okay immediately after.

...I gave )(im a second c)(ance because I needed someone.

T)(e minute I got )(ere, I got pounced on by a different violet-blood Ampora w)(o t)(oug)(t I was )(is Feferi, t)(en proceeded to cry on me w)(en I wasn't. I couldn't say no or do anyt)(ing about t)(at. )(e was so fucked up in )(is t)(inkpan and saying )(e )(ad just )(ad to kill his own version of me because )(e )(ad asked t)(e admins to bring )(er )(ere. T)(ey did, and s)(e was close to dead.

W)(at was I supposed to do, say I couldn't support )(im? Even w)(en I was new )(ere and didn't know jack s)(it?

T)(en )(e got yanked out of )(ere, t)(e w)(ole pod t)(ing )(appened, and it all went to )(ell. W)(at the fuck was I supposed to do? I tried to talk to someone. I couldn't find anyone.

I worried like )(ell to make sure t)(at no one else was going to leave, and it got mistranslated, and -- you know what? It doesn't matter, because you've got your own problems. You don't need mine, too.

filtered private;

[caliginous]

[wow jesus this is so weird, talking to a Feferi that doesn't want his head on a pike.]

SLOW DOWN.
GET A GRIP, PEIXES.
I WOULDN'T HAVE MADE THE PROCLAIM8TION IF I WASN'T LOOKING TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT.
DON'T GET YOUR PANTIES OUT OF LINE.

BUT I WILL SAY THIS MUCH.
THE SOONER YOU LEARN THAT LIFE HERE IS GOING TO TEAR YOU APART, THE SOONER YOU'LL BE BETTER EQUIPPED TO PUNCH IT IN THE FACE.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER REEVALU8TING PICKING UP A MOIRALLEGIANCE THAT RESULTED IN YOUR DEATH.
THAT'S JUST A BOMB W8ING TO DROP.

filtered private;

[cullscuttlefish]

It's a bit too late for t)(at. I t)(ink t)(ey might be permanently out of line, given the wringer I've been t)(rough.

Despite w)(at everyone )(ere likes to t)(ink, t)(ey aren't t)(e only one t)(at goes t)(roug)( s)(it. I've been reeling for mont)(s. Died six times, don't plan on a sevent)( if I can )(elp it.

...and as muc)( as it mig)(t sting to say it, it's t)(e trut)(: I've )(ad more )(umans to talk to about t)(ings wit)( t)(an I've )(ad trolls. It's been eelsier. Maybe t)(ey don't get everyfin, but maybe I don't need t)(em to.

It will only drop faster if someone isn't around to keep -Eridan in line. I'm used to it, so it's betta me t)(an anemoneone else.

filtered private;

[caliginous]

[He's suddenly glad this is still text after she mentions the death count. His own is starting to scare him, and he's been avoiding telling Kanaya about it.]

THIS ISN'T A FUCKING CONTEST.
DON'T TURN IT INTO ONE.

THAT'S AN IDIOTIC STANCE TO TAKE.
THAT'S PROBABLY CLASS A UNHEALTHY MORALLEGIANCE YOU'RE PARKING YOURSELF INTO IF I EVER SAW IT.
I WOULD'VE THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE BETTER THAN THAT.
I MEAN REALLY.
YOU'RE THE HEIRESS.
WELL, *AN* HEIRESS.
YOU WOULD HAVE PICK OF THE LITTER, IF YOU SAT DOWN FOR IT.

I CAN'T SPEAK FOR ANYONE ELSE, AND TO BE FRANK, I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO.
BUT I SPENT ALL OF THE LAST PERIGEE TRYING NOT TO DIE A NINTH TIME.

Re: filtered private;

[cullscuttlefish]

I'm not trying to. I'm just providing the details.

I tried. No one would )(ave me. T)(ey were too wrapped up in t)(eir own stuff. So t)(e only c)(oice I )(ave in t)(e matter is to keep t)(e bomb from going off and )(ave some ot)(er friends to talk to.

filtered private;

[caliginous]

AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, ITS YOUR GIG, PEIXES.
I'M JUST AN ADVISER.