gAmZeE MaKaRa ♑ terminallyCapricious (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hystericull) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
animus_network2012-12-19 09:57 pm
hystericull) wrote in animus_network2012-12-19 09:57 pm
009 ♑ [ninth honk/text]
y'all motherfuckers be thinking you all be getting your motherfuckin sneaky on at a brother.
AIN'T BEEN UP AND MOTHER FUCKING COUNTING ON ALL THEM EXTRASENSORIES WHAT I MOTHERFUCKIN GOT.
sensories what be allowing me the knowing on shit being fucking plotted before i motherfuckin get to be encountering at it.
THEM PETTY FUCKIN SCHEMES YOURS AIN'T GONNA BE PLAYING THE FUCK OUT WHAT ALL THE MOTHER FUCKING WAY YOU BE WANTING THEM TO.
i ain't gonna motherfucking eat it.
I MOTHER FUCKING AIN'T GONNA MOTHERFUCKING PUT ANY MOTHER FUCKING THING IN BETWEEN THESE MOTHERFUCKING LIPS NO MOTHERFUCKING MORE.
you ain't gonna win, motherfuckers.
YOU AIN'T GONNA MOTHERFUCKING WIN.
i ain't joining the traveling motherfuckin circus all at the hands of you motherfuckers.
I GO BY MY OWN FUCKIN HAND.
or i stay on this fucking fairground til what last mother fucking tent be razed.
SEND YOUR MOTHER FUCKING MOBS, MAY THEY AIN'T NEVER MOTHER FUCKING FIND WHERE I BE HID.
ain't got a single motherfuck to give on culling you all what come near.
BREAK THE TONGS FROM YOUR MOTHER FUCKING PITCHFORKS TO SHOVE THEM STRAIGHT IN EACH YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYE JELLIES.
use them fuckin torches yours burning bright to scald the bubbly hide from your mother fucking bones.
YOU AIN'T GONNA SAVE NO ONE BY GETTING YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SLAUGHTER ON AT ME.
only lead your riotous selves to your mother fucking deaths.
I BE NOW WITH THE WORLD AT MY FUCKIN FLAP RAISING HELL UP AGAINST ME.
all you bitches what's i once thought chill be fuckin shovin your knives in my mother fucking spine.
BUT AIN'T WORTH BEIN SOUR OVER FUCKIN THAT TRAITOROUS NOISE.
i will stand a motherfucking lone on all your motherfuckin corpses like what i all was meant to in the first mother fucking place.
I WILL MOTHER FUCKING SHOW EVERY MOTHERFUCKER HOW MUCH A FUCKIN DANGER TO YOU ALL I MOTHERFUCKING AM.
AIN'T BEEN UP AND MOTHER FUCKING COUNTING ON ALL THEM EXTRASENSORIES WHAT I MOTHERFUCKIN GOT.
sensories what be allowing me the knowing on shit being fucking plotted before i motherfuckin get to be encountering at it.
THEM PETTY FUCKIN SCHEMES YOURS AIN'T GONNA BE PLAYING THE FUCK OUT WHAT ALL THE MOTHER FUCKING WAY YOU BE WANTING THEM TO.
i ain't gonna motherfucking eat it.
I MOTHER FUCKING AIN'T GONNA MOTHERFUCKING PUT ANY MOTHER FUCKING THING IN BETWEEN THESE MOTHERFUCKING LIPS NO MOTHERFUCKING MORE.
you ain't gonna win, motherfuckers.
YOU AIN'T GONNA MOTHERFUCKING WIN.
i ain't joining the traveling motherfuckin circus all at the hands of you motherfuckers.
I GO BY MY OWN FUCKIN HAND.
or i stay on this fucking fairground til what last mother fucking tent be razed.
SEND YOUR MOTHER FUCKING MOBS, MAY THEY AIN'T NEVER MOTHER FUCKING FIND WHERE I BE HID.
ain't got a single motherfuck to give on culling you all what come near.
BREAK THE TONGS FROM YOUR MOTHER FUCKING PITCHFORKS TO SHOVE THEM STRAIGHT IN EACH YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYE JELLIES.
use them fuckin torches yours burning bright to scald the bubbly hide from your mother fucking bones.
YOU AIN'T GONNA SAVE NO ONE BY GETTING YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SLAUGHTER ON AT ME.
only lead your riotous selves to your mother fucking deaths.
I BE NOW WITH THE WORLD AT MY FUCKIN FLAP RAISING HELL UP AGAINST ME.
all you bitches what's i once thought chill be fuckin shovin your knives in my mother fucking spine.
BUT AIN'T WORTH BEIN SOUR OVER FUCKIN THAT TRAITOROUS NOISE.
i will stand a motherfucking lone on all your motherfuckin corpses like what i all was meant to in the first mother fucking place.
I WILL MOTHER FUCKING SHOW EVERY MOTHERFUCKER HOW MUCH A FUCKIN DANGER TO YOU ALL I MOTHERFUCKING AM.
[Action.]
[...What was he supposed to do again?]
[Despite being groggy and drained, Gamzee flinched away hard from Tavros' touch, almost tripping over his feet in an attempt to defend himself. Belatedly realizing he'd dropped his clubs earlier, he gave a wide-eyed glance to where they lay on the floor, swinging his head back to face his assailant. He would have to fight with his blistered hands.]
DON'T FUCKIN' TOUCH ME!!!
[He was really trying to sound intimidating. He was going to take out all of these fuckers, if only they'd just SHOW THEMSELVES.]
I don't wanna wait no more...
Come... on...
[He was grabbing on to the open lip of the recuperacoon, severely unsteady and one more shout away from passing the fuck out right on his face.]
Where... are they... fuckin' come on...
[Action.]
The frustration kicked in, and Tavros ran his fingers through his hair and scalp in a futile attempt to regain some calm, shaking his head slightly at Gamzee. ]
No one is here. It's just me. Only me, Gamzee. No one is going to ambush you. No one is going to hurt you. I won't allow it.
[ He raised his hands, gesturing to the empty room around them. ]
Do you see anyone in here beside us? Ha? ... You actually came all the way down here to fight? Is that why you're here?
[ Oh god, he's so bad at this. Don't fucking argue with the sick troll! Don't even try to reason with him. It's useless. He is sick, delusional and his body can barely keep up. It's just- he hates being pushed away by Gamzee. It triggered something within him, but he knew he was being stupid in getting personal with someone who's manipulated by the tower. For now, he should make sure Gamzee won't do anything stupid to hurt himself.
Focus on that, Tavros.
He lets out a defeated sigh, taking a few steps back and away from Gamzee, settling on the mattress again. ]
I want to help you. I really do. [ And a little hesitantly, he added. ] ... I'm scared, okay? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help you! I just .... I'm not good at this.
[ Fuck this, it's not like he's going to listen to him anyway. ]
[Action.]
[It was hard to process what Tavros was saying to him. There were a lot of words in a semi-harsh tone (given what Gamzee had come here expecting, it was a lot less harsh than it should have been), but he just could not for the life of him piece those words together into a coherent thought.]
[He did, however, watch intently as Tavros backed away and returned to the mattress. Standing was beginning to be an ordeal, and it was hard to catch his breath, now. His heart was racing - still anticipating an attack that could come any minute - but his body was not as willing.]
[As his legs shook, he could feel himself losing strength - heat coursing through his muscles, over his skin, behind his watering eyes. A hand got shoved in his pocket, fishing around for the thick strip of tape that had been secured over his mouth while he was in the ventilation shaft. He was intending to affix it back to the gray, rectangular spot on his face where his makeup had come off from removing it the first time. No such luck. His palm slipped again, this time from its grip on the recuperacoon, and Gamzee went crashing knees-first to the ground, tape still in hand.]
[Even in this hazy state, he could still recognize when he didn't stand a chance. It was pretty much useless to try and defend himself at this point - he was too much of a wreck. Try as he might, he could not get the tape back up to his lips. His arms just didn't want to move anymore. It was hot and his head was pounding and all he could do was stare at Tavros' feet before the little strength left in his biceps gave out, and he passed out completely on the ground.]
[Action.]
Tavros kept his gaze firmly on the ground, hands on his knees, clutching into the fabric and only releasing the pressure once he heard a loud thud. Well, that's what he was waiting for. He couldn't do anything, but hope that Gamzee's body would give up on him and allow his troubled mind some rest. It may sound like an awful wish, but Tavros didn't know what else to do. Waiting seemed to be the only given option, and praying that when Gamzee regains conscious, this nightmare will come to an end.
Still, Tavros knew that most of those words that came out of Gamzee's mouth were his own. All he needed was a little push from the tower, and it all came crashing down. It made him feel somewhat sick to his stomach, but that didn't stop Tavros from forcing himself out of the comfort of the bed. He crouched next to the motionless body, Tavros' breath hitched, fingers trembling as he guided one arm under Gamzee's back and the other hooked behind his knees. He picked him up with ease, his weight is shockingly lighter than the last time he had the highblood on his back.
The original plan was to get Gamzee all settled in the 'coon and prepare him for a good night rest. It somehow ended with Tavros on the mattress again, but this time he had the highblood cradled in his arms. He held into him close, pressing his face against a flushed cheek, feeling just how horribly feverish he is. It all felt familiar to him. It happened before, and Tavros realized it probably won't be the last time either. It won't be the last time he will spend another night wondering whether Gamzee will make it through. It was in that very moment he fully understood what he got himself into by falling in love with the highblood.
A lot of thoughts kept Tavros' mind busy and his palms sweaty, he would occasionally squeeze on Gamzee, almost as if he was terrified out of his senses. It lasted for an agonizing hour before he was far too exhausted and nauseous to keep up, and he figured that he should allow Gamzee to have some proper rest.
It took him a while to get his matesprit all settled inside the 'coon, and once he made sure he had a comfortable posture, Tavros collapsed on his side of the bed. Somewhat covered in slime, the lowblood squeezed himself so he'd be able to lie on his back.
Yes, he's staying. He's not leaving. Maybe it was for his own selfish reasons, but he couldn't bring himself to stay away from Gamzee right now. So, yeah, he'll spend the night here. ]
[Action.]
[The rest did him good, though. Even after waking again from a fitful dream of shoving his fingers into an obscured mouth and pulling down until he had torn off their jaw, he sat up from his position face-first in sopor. He couldn't bring himself to swallow any of it, but he did manage to scrub most of it from his face with his equally-slimy hands.]
[He was still out of breath, still felt like he was in the process of being set on fire, but his head felt a little clearer. He remembered there were people after him, but he didn't feel like he was in any immediate danger. After curling himself up against the wall of the 'coon for a while, he realized there was no real way sleep was going to come to him again.]
[Wading to the entrance, he saw the room was dark. No one was here. Hilariously enough, he'd given no thought to how he'd actually gotten himself dumped in the slime to begin with - it seemed useless to ponder at this point. The cold air of the outside washed over him as he tried to climb halfway out of the hole. It was freezing. Purple gooseflesh began to prickle his arms as a result, but there was no way he was going to recess back into the slime that refused to help him out with his dreams.]
[Gamzee emerging from his recuperacoon was always an embarrassing sight. He pushed himself halfway out, belly caught up on the edge of the entrance hole, and wiggled himself until he slid down the bottom, all the way to the floor. The difference between this tried-and-true tactic back home, and the same tactic here in the Tower, was that his 'coon was placed on top of a human bed - so the drop to the floor was substantially greater.]
[Landing on the floor with your face was a good way as any to wake a motherfucker up. Wracked with the chills, Gamzee was happy to find the strength replenished in his arms as he pushed himself from his painful position on the ground. When he was successfully on his knees, he wrapped them around himself in a futile attempt to keep warm in this heatless place.]
[How had he gotten here? The question plagued him again, now that his brain was in, at least, slightly better shape than it was before. With clattering fangs and shuddering breaths, he caught sight of Tavros, wedged between the recuperacoon and the wall, and some of the memories flooded back to him.]
[He didn't remember much, but what he did remember didn't seem promising. If Tavros was still here, though, it meant he hadn't fucked up as much as he could have. Was it better to leave, or stay? Obviously since Tavros had felt it appropriate to stay, Gamzee should as well. Or, maybe he just felt responsible for making sure Gamzee didn't make more of an ass out of himself? No, that was Karkat's job. Tavros certainly didn't need to be saddled with that responsibility.]
[There was no real way to tell if he'd ruined everything unless he found out for himself. Besides, he wasn't just going to leave Tavros here to freeze - the kid definitely didn't look all that warm or comfortable there.]
[So, he crawled his way over to the end of the bed, still dripping slime that he had missed in his initial scrape-session, and attempted to pull himself up next to where the other boy was sleeping. He wasn't very graceful, but a few pushes of his feet against the ground, and the fact that he was an infinite stretch of limbs and bones worked in his favor. He was awkwardly bent on his stomach in the space between Tavros and the recuperacoon. As if there was any space to spare in this area to begin with. He wiggled around, trying to untangle his limbs properly, but he was doing a pretty miserable job at it.]
[Action.]
He was squeezed in the corner, knees up and slightly apart, his head tilted just enough to keep his horns from going through the wall. It looked anything but relaxing, and once Gamzee invited himself in the busy curve, he managed to give Tavros a little nudge here and there. The lowblood didn't react at first, it shows how devoted he is to his nap, but one rough poke was enough to do the trick.
He groaned, his lips curling in one miserable scowl. He didn't know where he is or who's getting all up and personal in his space, but one thing for sure - he was far from ready to face the world. Then again, it's not like he had someone shuffling next to him every morning, so that was alarming enough to get his mind rolling again. With one eye barely open, he glanced over at Gamzee, watching as he wriggled around. His head felt heavy and his throat is all sore, Tavros tried to blink away the tears in his eyes, when his attempts were unsuccessful, he brought a hand up and started rubbing them away.
He was quick to recall the recent events, and Tavros is a bit surprised that nothing had changed. He hoped after a good night rest, he'd be able to shake off his concerns and move on, but ... it didn't work. His confidence never been this shaky in a while. It was so bad to the point it was taking him forever to simply greet the highblood.
It's just ... He didn't know what to expect anymore. ]
... Hey.
[ His voice is horribly hoarse and rough. Tavros is not surprised since he has not been giving sufficient attention in protecting himself from the cold, walking around the tower with his usual attire and nothing more. His warm blood can do so little against the chilling weather, and it's only natural that he couldn't get away with such carelessness any longer. It wasn't so bad, though. The true challenge would be trying to sit up in such a tight space without rubbing against Gamzee, who made it very clear that he didn't want Tavros to touch him again.
He attempts to slide his way up, using the wall behind him for support. He didn't know where to take his legs, though, so he keeps them kneed up and pressed against his chest, facing the highblood. He takes a deep inhale throughout his nostrils, which happens to be an awful idea for someone with a stuffy nose, but whatever.
He stares at Gamzee, unsure and hesitant. There is a hint of need despite all the uncertainty he's reflecting, as if he wanted something, but didn't know if he was allowed to ask. In the end, he didn't say anything and he's now staring down at his toes. ]
[Action.]
Hey, brother.
[He reached out, running the tips of his fingers against the back of Tavros' hand. There was no sense in being defensive if he didn't know the reason. Besides, acting all aloof would probably make things worse. Whatever "things" were.]
Sounds all like you went to motherfuckin' get your catch on of that nasty shit what's goin' the fuck around this bitch, huh?
[That jacket looked so adorable on him. Gamzee sniffed his own snot back up his nose, trying to curl his fingers underneath Tavros' palm that had been pressed against the boy's leg. If Gamzee had really done something stupid (again), he'd know pretty quickly if Tavros refused to let his fingers wander. When he spoke next, it was quiet.]
...How long you been here, bro?
[Action.]
[ He didn't know how many hours had passed, but it didn't really matter. It seems Gamzee is doing a lot better this morning, acting as if nothing had happened. Tavros would usually play along since he's not really the type who performs well in confrontations, but there are certain things he couldn't ignore. He hated how Gamzee's little attempt for contact made him reconsider his choices, and think that maybe ... he should keep the pretending game rolling. Go with the flow. That's what Gamzee advised him earlier, right?
He didn't want to do it, though. He didn't want to listen to Gamzee's doubts and little confessions one night, and then wake up the next morning as if nothing had happened. It felt hypocritical and unreal. Tavros never had doubts, but now he's wondering if he should.
He sighed softly, unsure whether he wanted to return the little contact, but he couldn't bring himself to turn his brother down. He knew how painful it is, and regardless of everything, hurting Gamzee is the last thing he wants to do. So, he stretched his fingers forward and held into his hand. ]
Do you remember anything from last night?
[Action.]
[Holding on to Tavros' hand was nice. It was warm, even though Gamzee was burning up, but it was a warm that was a comfort instead of an annoyance. His hands were still healing from the laundry incident, but the sopor seemed to help with them a little. Besides, even if his hands were blackened to a crisp, he'd still put them in Tavros'.]
[He hung his head shamefully, carefully inspecting each detail of the other boy's sandals.]
Got mad again.
["Mad" was a nice word. It was pretty much all-encompassing. It could mean he got angry, which he did, or it could mean he got crazy, which he also did. But using "mad" without any further explanation meant that he didn't have to specify which definition he meant. Because honestly, he wasn't quite sure.]
I remember, uh. ...Being s--
[Being scared. But, wait. He seemed to recall a bit more. Wasn't everyone coming after him? They were trying to poison his food (that he could NOT forget - it had been happening for over a week), and it had finally escalated to the point where they were hunting him down. He was ready to take them all on. He wasn't scared... he wasn't scared. He was...]
Suspicious. Every motherfucker all was after my fuckin' ass.
[Talking about it now made him remember. It made him anxious again. Was he going to get attacked, now? Luckily, he was a little more rational now than he was previously. Tavros didn't seem at all in the mood for strifing, and Gamzee didn't even have...]
[His clubs. They were laying on the floor.]
[His head darted back up to Tavros.]
Did I hurt you!?
[Action.]
[ That's what he is trying to figure out. It felt kinda stupid to be upset over something Gamzee was unable to control. He didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but for some reason it still bothered him. Just a little. Maybe it had to do with his exhaustion, and feeling sick is not really helping either.
It happens, right? It could be one of those days where everything sucks and nothing works out. So it's not really about Gamzee and what happened last night. Maybe.
On a positive note, the panic episode seems to be over.
He sniffled and attempted to smile a little, giving Gamzee's hand a gentle squeeze. ]
You are no longer suspicious, right? Kinda went crazy on me and accused me of trying to hurt you. Heh. Man, I wish that's all you accused me of ...
[ Tavros used his free hand to scratch at the back of his ear, trying to appear casual, but it's not working out as well as he thought. ]
But, I suppose you didn't mean it. So ... we should forget about it, yeah?
[Action.]
[There's silence for a long time as Gamzee focuses his sights on everything except for Tavros' face. Gone were the first unassuming free passes Tavros had given him when he'd first hurt him. He was realizing just what a shit-faced nutjob Gamzee truly was, and he was not going to be as forgiving with the clown's bullshit antics as he once had been. "The power of friendship" was turning out not to be a cure-all for his grade-A psycho crap.]
[After a great while, Gamzee lets out a deep, raspy sigh, punctuated by a few sudden coughs at the end.]
Heh.
[He tried a small laugh. Tried a sheepish smile. It just wasn't working. Tavros deserved to know just how much crap Gamzee was dragging him through. He'd tried to tell him before, but maybe now that he'd gotten acclimated to it a little, he would understand more. The weak excuse for a smile faded from his lips, and he took another deep breath in.]
Maybe, uh... Maybe not this fuckin' time, huh?
[It was hard to push himself to talk about this, especially since he hardly knew what he was going to say - he didn't know anything about himself, or anything about his craziness that would make it easy to explain. He was still trying to fucking figure it out himself, for Christ's sake.]
[He just... had to start. Just start talking and maybe it would come easier.]
'Cause I, uh... Like, I know you know, but I, like...
[Ugh, what!? He swallowed.]
I ain't right. Up all in the motherfuckin' nugways. Plain and simple as mother fucking pie, is how that shit all is, brother.
[Yeah, he'd condemned himself. He'd explain this until he was blue in the face, but this time, it just seemed a little more blunt. More bare.]
Guess it all's the way I was up and supposed to fuckin' be running all a motherfuckin' long or some noise all fucking like that. Get the bloodthirsties comin' in my pump biscuit and the wicked word spewin' harsh in my inner aural clots and I just--
[He squeezed Tavros' hand abruptly, lifting his head (as abruptly) to finally look at him.]
Do nasty fuckin' work. All the time what's when I get the concede on to them darkest urges is nasty work from these motherfuckin' hands, bro. Ain't wanting all to be real about it 'cause I ain't been wanting to get my motherfucking acknowledge on all at it.
Know I flowed all most of this fuckin' noise from out my wordflap what's all before, but, uh.
You all...
[Ugh. Gamzee leaned closer, bringing Tavros' hand up with his to rest all three on top of the boy's knees. He placed his chin gently atop the pile, making it harder for him to try and look away from Tavros.]
You all were being the last motherfuckin' thing what made me feel like my fuckin' self what's was not as all crazy as what I'm now. Got me thinkin' that I could all, like... go back. Just spend time with you, brother, and I all could be the me what didn't fuck shit up quite as motherfuckin' much all as what I do now.
But that shit fuckin' wasn't lasting all motherfucking like I thought it was gonna.
Dunno all what if that whole noise just fuckin' previous was all being as a result of them experimental boss bitches, or the nug of my fuckin' own, but it ain't matter much.
What all matter be what I up and went to fuckin' did at you, bro. You ain't saying what you're all certain on if I went to put the hurt on at your ass or not, but the way you say it say different, motherfucker.
You tell me what all I did fuckin' wrong.
[He looked down - knowing Tavros could either leave him right here, or forgive him yet again. He was, by now, pretty numb to whatever fate awaited him - placing a kiss on the hand he held before looking weakly back up.]
And I'll do what all I ever fucking can to be fixing it up all motherfuckin' right.
[Action.]
Gamzee had probably misunderstood the situation and assumed Tavros's fears were based on his unpredictable temper. If only he knew the true reason is far more embarrassing and pitiful. Tavros didn't want to look at him, not when he was leaning so close to his face; it somehow made everything even more challenging. However, Gamzee is not really giving him much of an option here. Not when he is holding into his hand and trying to make everything right.
Perhaps he should stop scratching on his ear now, his overgrown claws left his skin irritated and flushed, so close to breaking it with the constant friction. With a deep inhale, he allowed his arm to drop to his side, attempting to return their eye contact.
Still hesitant, Tavros finally spoke. ]
It's just ... you keep doubting me.
[ There's a pause before he returned toying with his ear. Honestly, it was so much easier to keep himself busy while having this conversation. He didn't want to get too nervous and stumble over his words. Keeping his hand busy seemed to help ease down the uneasiness, but he couldn't hide the slight shimmer in his eyes as he looked at Gamzee again. ]
I was a little upset when you said that I was, uh, pretending to have feelings for you, and it's all a lie. You said it's all a lie, and ... it really hurts, you know?
I feel like I always have to prove myself to you, and ..
[ His voice turns a little shaky now. ]
… It is terrifying because it kinda looks like you're searching for a reason to push me away. It’s like … no matter what I do, you will always doubt how I feel about you. You will always come up with an excuse to be alone.
And I don’t want you to be alone, Gamzee.
[ He said a little too much. Tavros tried to relax, leaning his head back against the wall, staring down at the highblood miserably. ]
I always knew there is something different about you. I’m pretty sure everyone knows, but they chose to deal with it in their own way. Regardless, you were ... so kind to me, and I still don’t get it to be completely honest. Haha. But, it's no surprise that you became so special to me.
[ He reached out and gently placed his hand on Gamzee’s head, running his fingers through his hair and chuckling a bit when it got all tangled in his locks. How uncool, but his smile is surprisingly warm. ]
Bro, I don't care if you're crazy. Just as long as you don't push me away, or hide from me.
[Action.]
[He didn't know how to react to that. I don't want you to be alone. Well... of course he'd known that. I mean, if Tavros wanted him to be alone, he wouldn't be here right now. But still... Seeing it and hearing it outright were two very different things. Gamzee tried to process all of this, leaning his cheek against the hand pile as Tavros spoke. The hand through his hair was soothing, even if it did get caught a few times.]
[What could he say? He'd promised he would fix whatever he'd done, but what was he to say to that? He certainly hadn't realized he'd been doing it... had he? Well, onething was for sure, he didn't think about the fact that doubting Tavros' feelings for him was essentially doubting Tavros himself. He was acting like everyone else had towards the boy. Again. Gamzee circled his thin arms around Tavros' legs, catching his other hand, now, so he would stop scratching himself.]
I dunno what all exactly noise I'm fuckin' being able to throw down what will make that right, bro. Not sure I can be making no excuse for that shit. Never was meaning to motherfuckin' insinuate what you ain't got feelings pure for my motherfucking ass. Just...
Just. ...I dunno, man.
[He chewed on his lip, trying to figure it out for himself before trying to explain it to Tavros.]
Guess I'm still in a place where I can't be all even thinking this is real, you know? Been fucked with so much times up in this motherfuckin' bitch it be all like ain't nothing what goes right be really what it motherfucking seem.
[That wasn't quite it, but it was the best explanation he could seem to find.]
I ain't gonna lie and say I ain't fuckin' baffled about why all you still be sticking with a brother, dog.
But...
It ain't no lie neither to fuckin' up and say that I ain't probably the happiest motherfucker in this shithole 'cause on it.
[Now having both of Tavros' hands, he brought them up to his lips and placed another kiss on them both. He was just going to have to trust in this miracle. It wasn't like him to question the acts of fate, and he'd been quite blasphemous in that way, recently.]
Been hard to get my believings on at fuckin' anything no more, brother. If there's one thing I ain't wanting to lose fuckin' gracious faiths in, though, it be motherfucking you.
[He swallowed, tightening his hold around those legs.]
I believe you, bro. And I all fuckin' be believing in you.
...And I'm sorry.
Honk.
[Action.]
His heart kept racing even when Gamzee was doing a good job in being truthful with him, and that's what he wanted out of the highblood. He believed him as well. Every single word, and he already accepted his apology. It's just ... Tavros wondered if it will always be this way.
Nothing is stable in the tower, and he knew it only takes one experiment and everything they worked so hard to build comes crashing down. It just seemed they will spend more time in re-building their relationship, and he was fine with that, but ... he felt in some point Gamzee might want to stop trying, and that scared him more than anything.
Regardless of the warning signs, common sense and everything, Tavros decided to take in one final deep inhale and allow his shoulders to drop. ]
... It's okay, Gamzee.
[ He looked tired and he made no attempt to smile. He didn't plan to be fake with the highblood anymore, and he wouldn't do anything unless he felt like it. However, he took it upon himself to lean over and press his lips against Gamzee's forehead.
It was a gentle, reassuring kiss that seemed to last for hours. When he finally pulled away, he was able to put on a real smile. ]
We're going to be okay. Right?
You won't doubt me anymore because I promise that I won't give you any reason for it. I know there's a lot of things that I need to learn about you, but ... I will do whatever in my power to be there for you.
Just be yourself, okay? Talk to me. Trust me. I will always love you. No doubt, brother.
[Action.]
[It's okay. It's okay, it's okay, Gamzee.]
[He closed his eyes, wrapping his fingers around Tavros' forearms and trying to find some calm - focused on the point of heat that remained on his forehead. He was a little disappointed to have that sensation taken away, but the disappointment was squashed as soon as he saw a smile back on the boy's face.]
[He couldn't answer for a while. He was trying to focus. He was getting over a sickness, his pan wasn't right. He was fine. He was good without the sopor, he was getting better, but this was a lot of emotions to try and handle at once.]
[You don't deserve this you don't deserve this HE DOESN'T
DESERVE YOU
the shitblood has no right
SHUT HIS DIRTY MOUTH
REND THE TONGUE HERETICAL OUT HIS PEASANT MOUTH]
Yeah!!!
[His fingers clamped tighter around Tavros' arms, and he swung his head up to meet those eyes with a smile of his own.]
Ain't you all just the best motherfucker what ever was to be existing?
Ain't you all fuckin' just.
[He said it softly, loosening his grip and running the pads of his fingertips apologetically over the warm skin there.]
I fuckin' trust in you, Tavros. Never ever had a solitary motherfuckin' doubt in you on anything fucking else. I... I, uh.
[He let a breath pass through his nose. What could he say that he hadn't already said a thousand times? How many more excuses could he come up with for his behavior?]
I don't wanna motherfuckin' hurt you. Like, ever, and shit... you know? I just, I...
[There weren't any more excuses. Tavros didn't deserve more excuses anyway. He just deserved change. Gamzee lowered his head to the arms he held, speaking into them.]
I'll motherfuckin' love you too, bro. I mean like, for always always? 'Cause like... I always fuckin' have? But, you motherfuckin' be all having your know on of that shit already, probably.
[He was uncharacteristically timid, now. It was almost as if Tavros had heard all of the screaming in his head. He was doing his best to make it up to the boy for it. Surely he'd known the way Gamzee had felt about him this whole time - it's not like he made it very subtle.]
[Action.]
It was just too obvious.
His smile didn't last for long and he watched Gamzee miserably. He didn't understand why he pitied him when he was supposed to be fearful of him instead. The lowblood is nowhere as brave as he pretends to be, and he would always be the first to raise the white flag and turn on his heels to safety. But, with Gamzee, even when the logical voice in his head warned him repeatedly to walk away from this, he felt drawn to him instead. Why though?
He couldn't help Gamzee. No one could.
In all honesty, he can assume this is the start toward the worst, but ... if he could ever manage to get a smile on the highblood's face, it's a good enough reason for him to stick around. Gosh, he owes him so much. So damn much. Tavros was so stupid for not noticing how much of a support Gamzee had been in his life, and he took him for granted. ]
I never knew ... that you were in love with me. I mean, before your confession and all.
I didn't know. I didn't notice ...
[ I was stupid.
It didn't matter right now. They had this discussion before, and Tavros had already promised himself and the highblood that he will make it up to him. He didn't know why he felt like this is the only time he can actually participate in an honest, serious conversation with Gamzee. Maybe because he is finally talking to him. Speaking his mind and being truthful. Tavros couldn't let such an opportunity slip and even with the sensitivity of his next inquiry, the lowblood didn't hesitate at all.
He returns their eye contact, trying to be as gentle as possible. ]
You say you don't want to hurt me. Does that mean you thought ... about hurting me?
I'm not ... trying to make you feel bad or anything. I just ... I need to know.
[Action.]
[He swallowed, waving his hand a little. The past was the past, whatever. Never look back. It was easy to think, but when you were someone who never looked forward, sometimes back was the only place you had left.]
Never fuckin' did. All what be mattering now be right motherfucking now, mmm?
[It was still difficult, but there was a feeling that they might get out of this mess okay. If he just didn't fuck up any more, it would be okay.]
[...]
[Fuck.]
[He would never think about hurting Tavros. Ever! Ever. Those... those things in his head, they weren't him. ...Were they? He'd never really thought about it before. They were in his head but were they him? What difference did it make? They were always bitching and yelling and sometimes he listened to them and sometimes he yelled at them to shut up and sometimes he tried his best to ignore them, much like now.]
[Were they his thoughts, though? Maybe if he focused on Tavros, he could find out if the source of that maliciousness was coming from h--]
[Why the fuck would he want to find that out!? Without breaking their eye contact, Gamzee's mouth fell into a scowl.]
I wouldn't motherfuckin' never be allowin' such thoughts of that nature at you, motherfucker.
[Action.]
Okay.
[ ... It's not really okay.
It worried Tavros greatly, but ... he still wanted to be with him, and he refused to analyze his own logic behind it. He was far too tired and stubborn.
He released his hands, shifting a little so that he had their foreheads pressed against each other. Despite the close proximity, Tavros tried to maintain their eye contact as he cupped Gamzee's cheeks, keeping his voice low. ]
Okay, so here's the deal ...
You will stop hiding from me, and I will try to understand you better.
[ He pulls away just enough to leave a small kiss on one of Gamzee's cheeks, and then he returned to leaning on his forehead again. ]
I think we should start from there. Well, that's my opinion ....
What do you think, bro?
[Action.]
[All he could feel was warm, and safe, and everything he hadn't felt not one night earlier. Tavros made it so simple... stop hiding.]
Mmn, I ain't never all wanting to fuckin' be anywhere what's isn't by where you is, motherfucker. Fuckin' all thinkin' that be a wicked good place to start.
[It was... surprisingly, not a lie. Even when Gamzee was hiding, even when he wanted to be alone, he really would rather be right here. Sometimes you just feel like you have no other choice than to run away. It's easier to face your fuckups if you just don't face them entirely. Keep moving forward, never look back. As brash, unorthodox, uninhibited, and unrestrained as Gamzee was, none of it would ever change the fact that, deep down, he was a coward.]
...I hide when I get scared.