animus_network | 005 ♋ Text

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005 ♋ Text

NEVER HAVE I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD BE CAPABLE OF HATING ANYONE MORE THAN THE PERSON THAT I HATE MOST.
TO BE ABLE TO DO SO REQUIRES DELVING DEEP INSIDE AND REACHING A BRAND NEW TIER OF HATE.
IT IS A HATE SO RANCOROUS THAT EVEN I CAN'T COMPLETELY FATHOM IT.
THESE SHITSTAINS THAT CONTINUOUSLY REMIND ME THAT I REALLY HAD IT EASY DEALING WITH TWELVE SHITTY, UNCOOPERATIVE TROLLS JUST HAVE TAKEN MY LAST NERVE AND HAVE SPLINTERED IT, SCATTERING THE REMAINS ACROSS THE VAST REACHES OF PARADOX SPACE.
YOU THINK YOU CAN FUCK WITH MY THINKPAN AND THEN SMOOTH IT OVER BY RETURNING WHAT'S RIGHTFULLY FUCKING MINE?
YOU'RE
MOTHERFUCKING
WRONG.
BE LUCKY I CAN'T REACH YOU, BECAUSE I SWEAR THAT I WOULD TAKE THIS SICKLE AND EVISCERATE EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF YOU.

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Don't do that too often. There are things in there that can jump out and attack.

[ he had been warned too. Karkat just thinks he can handle himself all right. that and he tries to constantly pay attention, but there are times his mind wanders and there has been a close call.

now sit Karkat does, yes. but it is in such a way that his back is not going to be exposed. he needs to see and hear.

there is a snort, though. hearing that name. Vantas. he hadn't thought that such names were shared, though he shouldn't be surprised. ]

God, Sollux would go nuts trying to figure out how to distinguish between us...

[At the warning he drops his hand and settles for just gazing out into the distant sea.]

[He shares a laugh at the amusement.]

Sollux, yes I remember meeting him briefly when I first arrived here. He is the descendent of The Psiionic, who is a dear friend of mine.

Yeah... Not sure if I met the guy or not. Gamzee gets into a lot of shit and I'm usually busy trying to soothe over what I can of that.

Wish I would have jumped on that sooner, you know? The whole moirail thing. If I had... Then maybe more of us would have lived. Then maybe the dead trolls wouldn't have been haunting me during my fucking illness.

[ there you go, ancestor troll. that is Karkat, trying to ease into the conversation without coming out and saying it. ]

[His smile falters and in the moment he tries to control the lump within his throat, fails and allows a swallow.]

I take this is what has been bothering you? Haunting during your illness?

Yeah, with some other shit. Either I couldn't find anyone in my hallucinations or I kept tripping up on all of them fucking bodies.

[ ignore some of his syntax. That is the result of hanging around the clown too much. But what he says is the truth. It's enough to make him sick all over again. All of his failures shoved in his face. All of his fears right there, taunting him. ]

There's something else but I don't expect you to get that part.

[Can he put a hand on your shoulder Karkat, cause it's what he wants to do. His hand hovers a bit above it's destination, but retreats as an after thought. Perhaps a comforting pat was not what Karkat wanted presently.

Signless frown remains instead and he clears his throat.]

Try me, I would like to hear all you have to say.

[ Signless... really? even Karkat gives a disbelieving look. whether Karkat wants a pat or not is really irrelevant, if that is a thing that ancestor troll is want to do... ]

I highly doubt you ever saw your blood color as a defect to hide..

[He keeps his hands dormant and ignores the look that Karkat grants him. Instead he decides to look out into water's abyss.]

Not as I aged, but I grew up as you did within the same culture. It wasn't until I came to understand my dreams that my blood color became something of an acceptance. I always wondered why it was my lusus decided to hide me, why we were always traveling and the reason I had to keep my blood a secret. It would be a lie to say I didn't wonder what would happen if I had been blessed with another hue and I wouldn't have to cause my lusus the trouble. She sacrificed much to make sure I survived from the very moment of my hatching, simply because of what I was.

That's... That's not the same. You essentially grew up not knowing that the color pretty much guarantees a culling. In no way am I belittling your Lusus, but fuck that's actually smart.

[ Karkat rubs his arm. slightly uncomfortable. ]

I knew. There was no secret wondering stirring in my think pan in the wee hours of the morning while all good little wigglers went to bed. I didn't go out because of it. Always wore fucking long sleeves to make sure everything was covered. So yeah... I don't exactly see it as good. More like a fucking defect. To force me to see it at all times when I'm not losing my mind is just...

All of it was just throwing all of my fears, insecurities, and failures right in my face and I'd love nothing more than to tear them apart for it.

[It is now that he decides to place a hand upon the others shoulder. He creates a strong and secure grip, one of comfort.]

That is truth, I only learned that my culling was a possibility when I was able to venture out and learn more about the world. Of course my lusus was never far behind me and later came to be a follower of mine.

[Theres a pause as he cuts his voice short and wishes to speak of other matters.]

Karkat. I know that me telling you that your blood color isn't something to be ashamed of probably won't mean much. However even though which ever bastards caused this unfortunate epidemic to fall upon you, all of you. It is unjust. There is nothing we can do about it, but know this Karkat and hear my words well.

There are those that accept you for who you are regardless of what lays beneath your skin. I can guarantee that this will not change and you will do well to be fortunate for it. When all seems lost find faith in them and seek their comfort. You are a great leader Karkat and an even greater friend.

No, it doesn't. But I am slowly learning to deal with it.

[ heck, he's even openly talking about it. that's more than what he could do just a few short months ago. ]

I know it doesn't bother my friends. None of them really ended up caring too much about the hemospectrum. Eridan did and I think any regard for it that Gamzee has might be because of those Mirthful Messiahs hoofbeast shit he ends up spewing. Sure, I can try to talk about it with them, but they don't get it.

Learning is all you can do and in time you will come to accept it.

[He gives a hopeful smile.]

My ears are always open to your plight Karkat. This you are aware of or so I hope?

Yes, I am aware. If I wasn't, do you really think I would have hauled my little ass up here to have a chat?

[He sucks in a short breath at such a comment. It was times like these he wondered why he even bothered. But he quickly discards the thought and reminds himself that Karkat was indeed Karkat. Not to mention the recent episode the city had put hi through.]

Then speak what you will and I will listen. Do you wish to say more?

[ it's more like, do these people not understand that if he didn't trust you, why would he even bother talking to you? Karkat Vantas is, if anything, someone who keeps his insecurities bottled up. talking to them with someone? yeah, that's not likely to happen.

this doesn't mean he isn't going to be abrasive anyway. that's just how he is. how he has conditioned himself to be. ]

Only that maybe you're wrong, to some degree.

[And every abrasive comment just is a reminder to him that such anger is within him as well. That his descendent is the embodiment of such anger and hate. Though, such thoughts he hid away.]

Wrong? Care to explain?

First of all, I'm not a very good leader if I can't keep my friends alive and well. I couldn't stop Gamzee from freaking out and babbling on about murder mirth and his Messiahs. Honestly, I was warned about it and I felt like I should go out and look for him, but I didn't. Because I was so fucking self absorbed in playing a role that is so clearly not for me. Which kind of makes me a lousy friend too.

Edited 2012-12-29 21:58 (UTC)

[He lets out a deep sigh before he begins to speak. This would be a long one.]

It is not of your control Karkat. Some things determine exactly what makes us friends and leaders or both in your case. Death, is not a factor of that. While it does halt and cause complications down ones path, you must learn to accept that it is inevitable. Certain things cannot be controlled.

To be had, in my own opinion, you have led your friends well through the challenges that presented themselves. I have heard of how you led them through the game and saved their lives from the death of your planet. This is something deemed worthy of a leader and a good friend. I think I find that you focus on acts that you could not control, acts that are negative and of misfortune. While it is not wise to ignore such events it is also not advised to focus solely on them and use them as reasons to drop ones view of yourself.

I do not know your entire story Karkat and these words which I speak you will probably choose to take with a grain of salt. Though, I believe you to be a good friend and leader, this opinion will not change.

But I still just kind of stood there like an idiot. I could have tried to stop Eridan. Should have followed my gut instinct and said fuck it to go after Gamzee. Could I have controlled them? No, definitely not. But I could have at least tried.

Hmmm

[A pondering comment that is shortly followed by a thought.]

Tried, yes. That I will agree with, but all we can do it try in life and from what we don't attempt, we learn from. It shapes us and makes us better trolls, or people in other cases. Another point to claim is that if you did try, perhaps it would have resulted in your death. What would you have been dead to your team. Perhaps looking at it that way you did the right thing. Maybe not intentionally, but we will never know what would have happened here or there.

Like that would have been such a great fucking loss...

[He releases the hand from Karkat's shoulder, eyes burrow into Karkat's own gaze and his frown deepens at such words.]

It would have been a grand loss and to say such a thing....

[A beat.]

Karkat you hate yourself this I can conclude, but do not sit here and tell me you are worthless. I do not wish to hear it. Preach it to your peers, your lusus and any other, but do not. Do not speak such words to my face. I offer my kindness, help, willingness to support and offer a kind ear to your words. In addition offer what advice I can give in order to help you in a time of need. Such words you utter from your trap now, are nothing more then a slap in the face-.

[His tone stern and direct to make a point he soon cuts himself off and turns his gaze away finding that the floor is more interesting. He says no more and sits in silence.]

A slap in the face where? To everything you've said? Everything you've wanted to achieve?

[ rolling his shoulders with an irritated his, Karkat stands. hands on his hips. goddamn, adults just don't get it. this peace loving troll just doesn't understand. ]

Yeah. I hate myself. It's no big secret. Most of my remaining friends now this shit and Jade may or may not have made a passing jibe at this fact. That does not mean I've been motherfucking worthless. Yes, I helped organize everyone to at least win the game. Sure, I was the one that said we needed to troll the shit out of the humans. That stuff is important. I get that.

What I don't get is why me over the other nooksludges I played that game with. Vriska? Steals luck. Equius? Void powers that we probably could have fucking tapped into. Feferi? She was our fucking Life player! I'd like to think that the ability to revive people would have been pretty damn useful, don't you?

Me? I sucked as a Knight. The only real knightly thing I did was pacify the goddamn clown to prevent more loss. A clown that, I'm pretty sure, will hide shit even from his moirail so what good does that really do us?

It's not that I'm worthless but instead just plainly and simply not worthy.

[He remains calm as Karkat continues and he allows himself to take in each word, but there comes a time when something needs to be said.]

Shut...up.

[He comes to stand as well, rising above Karkat.]

Shut up Karkat!

You are worthy. Worthy of all and anything that is just. I am naive to your story and I will grant you an apology for the misunderstandings we have of one another. I foretold of your birth and while I wish not to put any burden upon you. I will not doubt my own words in saying that you are worthy and worth something. Perhaps it is just you have not tapped your own potential. For what reason that is I do not know of.

[ Karkat cringes, not exactly expecting that sort of outburst. not in any tones either. not like that. Karkat's brows furrow, focusing on the floor. angry. chastised. stupid fucking adults...

kind of ashamed too. for reasons he can't figure out at the moment... ]

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