animus_network | ☿ // 002; [text]

I think you're right; I can't sense anything from it like I could before. That's a relief, at least.

[Waver reached out and took his former Servant's hand, lightly pulling him back in the direction of his own dormitory room.]

...I'm sorry I made you worry. I didn't think much of anything through.

It's okay. None of us were really thinking straight at that point.

[Diarmuid lets Waver pull him to the room. Even though his curse seems to have finally deactivated, he is still relieved to be out of the hallway and away from anyone who might come by. However, that relief doesn't really seem to brighten his expression.]

I know I wasn't. When I saw your body, I just...I lost it...

[Waver let go once they made it there, picking up the suit jacket that he'd left on his trunk and pulling it over his shoulders.]

I really wasn't thinking. The past couple days, all I've been thinking about is a thousand different ways things could go wrong with that curse active. When Berserker got in my way, I just...snapped.

[Waver pushed disheveled hair out of his face, carelessly straightening it out with one hand before crossing his arms with a faint flicker of guilt to his face.]

Back then, I-...I saw everything; how hard you fought and how much you suffered because of that stupid damned curse. 'I panicked' isn't any excuse for how stupid I was yesterday, but... [Waver sighed, and in the short pause that followed he seemed visibly upset. The moment didn't last, and by the time he'd started speaking again Waver's expression was steady even as his voice carried a heavy weight to it.]

I was afraid. There was no way I could let something like that happen to you again, but...I failed completely. If anything I must have just made things worse, right?

[A gentle look covers Diarmuid's face as Waver speaks. He reaches out and straightens some ruffled hair that Waver missed in his pass. Indeed, he looks rather composed considering the fact that he is screaming at himself inside.

Waver feels bad enough as it is. How can Diarmuid let Waver know just how badly he snapped himself when he saw his body?

The answer is, he can't. Especially, since this Waver never saw him like that. He doesn't need to add the image of him blood-stained and cursing to those other negative memories.]

You didn't fail. You didn't do anything wrong. I am honored that I mean so much to you that would be willing to go to such lengths for me.

[Even if he can't understand why especially now.]

Unfortunately, this whole situation is part of a lesson I am still learning. As much as we want to be able to control things here, we can't. Often we try our hardest, cry, bleed, die...

[He winces just slightly when he says those words.]

...and even with all of that, we still don't succeed. The best we can do is keep trying and striving to do better next time.

Don't be stupid--! [Waver snapped in a way far more fitting of his younger self, frustration cutting through composure.] Don't just...don't just act like this is nothing!

[He scowled at his own outburst, hands curled into shaking fists as he refused to look straight at Diarmuid.]

I know about failure; it's all I've ever been capable of. No matter how far it seems like I've come since then...it's nothing. I'm nothing. I can't even protect anyone.

[Before Diarmuid really knows what he's doing, he's crossed the short distance between them and put a hand on either side of Waver's face to force the man to look at him.]

Stop. Just stop.

Tell me something. If it was me saying these things, would you allow it? No, you wouldn't and neither will I. You have not failed in everything. You were the master who fulfilled his wish. You are the master fulfilling mine. Without you...I don't know where I would be right now. I might have snapped long before...

[He cuts himself off.]

Listen, I haven't been able to protect everyone I have wanted to protect here either. I had to kill one of my good friends to end his suffering and I killed my brother on accident thinking he was someone else. If those aren't failures, I don't know what is.

[Diarmuid pauses, suddenly pulling Waver into a hug, his voice softening.]

You idiot. Can't you see we are the same? Stop being so hard on yourself when you won't let me blame myself for the exact same things.

[That cut off anything else Waver might have said, and being stunned into silence left him with no choice but to listen. Lancer was right, of course. They really were too similar--hadn't Waver admitted that to himself a long time ago?]

I'm...sorry. [Whatever strength and tension Waver had was gone all at once; all he seemed to be able to do was mutter a weak apology against Lancer's shoulder.] I was never the kind of person anyone should have regarded as highly as you did. No matter how hard I work or how confident I am, when all's said and done I'm just...the same stupid kid I've always been.

[His voice faltered, Waver realizing he couldn't quite stop himself from clinging to Lancer like he was all there was left.]

This isn't...this isn't right. I was never supposed to see you again--I was finally alright with that--I was supposed to be better than this, and now all I can do is look pathetic in front of you.

You realize I could say the very same thing, right? In fact, I believe I have. I am no hero. I do not deserve the respect and regard you give me, but that doesn't stop you from giving it anyway. And your inability to see your worth will not stop me from giving you the respect I think you deserve.

[Diarmuid tightens his grip around his friend, hoping that the hold comforts Waver as much as it is comforting him.]

You will never look pathetic to me. You stood up to a servant because you were worried about me. You would not back down because you feared for me. That is bravery my friend. Perhaps foolish in execution, but it is still bravery, and I will never look down on that.

Come on now, chin up.

[Diarmuid actually pulls back from their hug so he can tap gently at Waver's chin.]

We are suppose to share everything with each other, right? That means failure and success. I have cried on your shoulder how many times already. You are perfectly welcome to use mine as much as you need to without feeling bad about it.

I shouldn't--I just--

[His protests faltering, Waver merely sighed.]

Idiot. You deserve a hell of a lot more than I'll ever be able to give you. You were the only one th-...

[the sentence stopped abruptly, and Waver glanced away again as though he hadn't meant to say that at all.]

...you've always been a hero. I don't care how wrong you think I am, I'm not.

I am the only one who...?

[Diarmuid gently turns Waver's face to look at him again.]

I'm the only one who what? Please, don't hide from me.

I-...

[Waver hesitated; it wasn't a matter of not trusting Diarmuid, but the matter at hand was a difficult one to talk about. When he did finally respond, his voice was steady although strangely quiet.]

...you were kind to me at a time when no one else was. When no one else had been since I was a little kid. I mean it when I say I know what it's like to be lonely; I met you at a time in my life when I didn't know anything else. It's...complicated. But a third-generation student with no family, wealth, or natural talent is lower than dirt to most of the Clock Tower, and that was something no one ever let me forget.

So...when I met someone who revered and respected me, who listened when I spoke, I was terrified. I knew I'd let you down and fall right off the pedestal you put me on, but...I don't think I ever did. Even when I screwed up, when I panicked or just flat-out didn't know what to do, you always treated me the same.

You were the only one to treat me like I was worth something. What kind of person would I be if I gave you anything but absolute dedication in return?

[Diarmuid is silent for several long moments. The answer is not what he expected and yet it makes so much sense. He reaches out and pulls Waver's head to rest back against his shoulder, the need to have his friend close out weighing the need for anything else.]

I don't want devotion, Waver. I want a friend and that is what you are. I have had few people who I can truly call my friends, and you are one of them. Nothing will ever change that. No accident of birth, no mistake, no failure, no success.

[He settles his chin into the other man's hair so that he is sure his soft words will be heard.]

Magi are fools no matter what world they come from. That they could not recognize you for who you are is just more proof of that. And more reason for you to stick to your guns and destroy the Grail when we return to your world. You will show them just what a third-generation student with no family, wealth, or natural talent can do when he puts his mind to it and they will have no choice but to listen.

And just remember this. You will never be lonely again. Forget those painful times and focus on the present. We are here now. Together. And we won't be parted again. That is all that matters.

...I don't have any friends, myself. So if that's what you'd really want...I think I would be alright with that.

[He managed a hesitant smile; the reassurance meant more than he could begin to explain.]

I can't promise that I'm never going to make another mistake and get killed again. But what I can tell you is that I'll never abandon you or leave your side. All I want-...I just don't want to be alone anymore. You won't let that happen, right?

[Diarmuid gently bops Waver alongside the head.]

Of course you have a friend, idiot! He was your friend then and I am now. What is it with people taking so long to realize things like that? First my brother and now you. How much clearer must I make it when I like people?

[Seriously, does he just need to start kissing everyone he cares about so that they understand?]

I told you... One of the things I fear the most is being abandoned and alone again. I will never let that happen to you for I know how frightening that idea is. No one should be alone in the world. No one.

[Basically, yes.]

Ow--geez, you didn't have to hit me.

[Just shut up and accept the tsun hug, Lancerbro.]

...Guess it's a promise then, right? I won't leave you if you don't leave me. We're stuck with each other.

Yes, it does seem that way, doesn't it?

[A mischievous grin crosses Diarmuid's face and a twinkle enters his eyes. This should be setting off warning bells, Waver.]

So...when are you moving in? There is an empty bed in my room now you know...

Wh--

[That would be when Waver turned roughly the color of a tomato and immediately hid his face against Diarmuid's shoulder. Not really helping the implication, there.]

Wh-what the hell is that supposed to mean, you idiot?!

[Diarmuid breaks out laughing, burying his head in Waver's hair.]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just had to. It's true. It looks like one of our roommates was sent home so there is an open spot in the room, but somehow I doubt switching would be that easy if allowed at all.

Or do you mean perhaps I should have asked if you wished to share the bed with me as my brother does?

[All right, now he's being kind of cruel, but the look on Waver's face? Totally worth it.

And much better than tears.]

Wh-wh-wh...quit it! Now you're just making fun of me, aren't you?!

[Diarmuid laughs into Waver's hair for a moment longer before stepping back and trying to compose himself.]

I'm sorry. That really was uncalled for. Though, he and I do have our beds pushed together.

[His face becomes a little more serious and sad.]

Well, we do right now. I don't know if he will want to change that after everything. It started as just kind of a brother warriors comforting each other kind of thing and we just haven't moved them apart since then.

[Waver picked upon on the mood shift almost immediately, moving to properly tie his hair back as he questioned it. There were still traces of embarrassment on his face, but he acted like nothing unusual had happened at all.]

...Is there something wrong? You two aren't having some kind of problem, are you?

It's nothin--

[Diarmuid stops himself mid-word closing his eyes tightly for a moment. How can he lie to Waver when he had just been so open with him?]

My curse...it affected him strongly, and I was a fool who for a moment hoped that maybe...

[His voice trails off, face coloring in shame.]

I pushed even more onto him when he has already done so much for me. I deserve to have him hate me.

I seriously doubt he hates you. From what I've seen, it looks like you're just as important to him as you are to me.

...You hoped that maybe what?

[Diarmuid shakes his head, face changing from red to pale very quickly. He is doing his best to avoid look at Waver now too.]

I...I was selfish for once. I...I wanted his love for me to be real. I wanted...I wanted to be able to love him as more than a brother.

[He shuts his eyes, arms wrapping around his waist, his whole body suddenly stiff just waiting for Waver to judge him for his foolishness.]

...So what?

[There was a strange sense of pain in Waver's chest at that, even as he looked and sounded dismissive. What on earth was that supposed to be? It couldn't be something like jealousy, right?]

[...Of course not, he told himself. That would be completely ludicrous.]

Isn't it normal for everyone to want something like that?

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