animus_network | Video; Mourn the Past, Strengthen the Present

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Video; Mourn the Past, Strengthen the Present

Last month, I posted to the Network asking for those who would be willing teach others how to fight--both with and without powers--to contact me. Many of you were willing to share your talents with those who needed them, and I thank you very much for that.

[Diarmuid smiles and bows his head for a moment before continuing.]

However, aside from a few people who I have already helped find teachers, I haven't really heard from anyone who would like to take advantage of the skills that have been offered. I understand that many of you have probably already found teachers amongst those who you know. For those who still might be looking, I thought that I would post a list of those who offered their services so you can take advantage of them should you ever wish to.

I will warn you, though, that most of these people are battle-hardened warriors and do not pull their punches. If you take them up on their offers, please be prepared to work your hardest. They will expect no less and those who you are fighting for deserve no less.

Here is the list. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. Since I know most of the people on the list, if you are unsure who you should contact, I will be glad to direct you to a teacher.

Teacher List:

Diarmuid Ua Duibhne: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Spear and sword focused. Duel-wield specialty. Can teach all levels of fighters.
Mayu: Armed Combat. Axe focus.
Cerberus: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Knowledgeable with almost all weapons. Specialty in modern weapons.
Saber of White: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Sword specialty.
Aleph: Teaches armed combat. Knows melee weapons. Sword specialty.
Sir Lancelot du Lac: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Specialty in non-traditional weapons.
Ken Amada: Teaches armed combat. Specialty in spears and improvising weapons.
Enoch: Skilled in the use of slings. Also skilled in making them.

If anyone would like to be added to the list, please feel free to let me know. Also, let me know if you would like the information listed by your names altered in anyway or wish to be removed from the list. This list isn't a static thing by any means.

On a sadder note, for any of you who knew Mami Tomoe, it has come to my attention that she has been sent home. I know she was close to many people. She left me a cookie recipe and since Riki has given us such a good selection of food this month, I can think of no better way to honor her memory than to bake some of the sweets she made so well. Anyone who would like to join me is welcome, though, I cannot guarantee my cookies will be anywhere near as good as the ones she made. I--

[For a moment it seems like Diarmuid will continue, but after a few seconds, he just shakes his head and ends the feed.]

----

(OOC: If anyone would like to meet up with Diarmuid in the kitchen to try making those cookies, feel free to tag your response with Action, Kitchen and cooking shenanigans can be had!)

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[Tears wet the corners of his eyes, but oddly enough Diarmuid is smiling. Waver's words are like a soothing balm over his heart--a warmth that pushes back and silences his self-doubt.

Will there ever come a time when Waver can't do this for him? Diarmuid certainly hopes not.]

Thank you. I'm sorry. This coming so close after I failed to protect Edgeworth... And then to meet him--Karna, is that his name? He didn't tell me. To meet him and find out he had been a lover to his version of you and for so long...

[Diarmuid shakes his head.]

I know those flaws are part of being human, but I am a fool who always expects more from himself. And more. And more. It's foolish, but no matter how I try I just can't make myself stop.

This...is changing the topic a little, but can I ask you something?

Don't apologize, you haven't done anything wrong.

[Waver dropped his hand to Diarmuid's shoulder, managing a small smile.]

You already know you can, Diarmuid. Ask me whatever you like.

I shouldn't ask.

[Diarmuid's smile turns embarrassed.]

But I am going to anyway because now that it has occurred to me, I will wonder about it until I ask. Karna...feels different than a normal servant. I cannot say why, but he does. He was with his Waver for so long...

Did his Waver wish him into a true incarnation? Do you think...you might have done that for your Diarmuid if you had won?

That does seem to be the case; he told me as much himself.

[Waver recalled the other Servant's words; according to Karna, that wish had come at one hell of a price.]

...Assuming the Grail wasn't a mess and I knew for certain that it wasn't? I likely would, yes. It isn't as though I had anything else worth wishing for.

Good...I am sure he would have wanted to stay with you just like I do.

[Diarmuid's words are soft. The answer is the one he was hoping to hear since he knows nothing of the price Karna and his Waver paid for their wish, but at the same time that foolish jealously rears it head again at the thought of another person being with this Waver instead of him.

Even if that other person is a version of himself.]

Karna didn't tell me a lot of details and I didn't press him because he was so upset. I think too that I might have made a bit of a mistake.

[He shuts his eyes for a moment and shakes his head.]

When he asked about you, of course he asked what servant you summoned. I think it unnerved him to know that the you here summoned someone besides him and that someone was a version of me.

Obviously I don't know him at all, but I wouldn't be surprised if he felt some measure of jealousy as well.

[Waver crossed his arms and shrugged, attempting to look indifferent.]

To tell you the truth, I feel a little guilty and I'm not all that certain why. It's as though I'm actively hurting him by not being the right version of myself--which I suppose I could understand.

[For a moment, Waver's words cause Diarmuid's jealousy to spike again, but it only lasts a few seconds because he very violently shoves the thoughts away.]

It's because you are kind, Waver, and you don't like failing. I'm not your Diarmuid and yet you took me in. However, with him it's not so easy because of how close he is to his Waver. He doesn't want you. He wants him.

I...think I can understand how he feels. I would feel the same if you were taken away and then another version of you came here. It would hurt to see someone so similar to the one I cared about and have it not be him. You always say I'm not a replacement for your Diarmuid and I wouldn't want a replacement for you. He is the same way.

But that isn't a failing on your part and I doubt he would want you to think that way. It's just that his pain is very fresh right now and so he cannot say it. You've done nothing wrong. Stop feeling bad for it.

...You're right, I suppose. I do want to help, but there's not all that much I can really do in this case. With you, it's...different. You were like me from the start; we didn't have anyone, so of course we started clinging to each other like idiots. I'm just worried about him. [Waver shook his head, sighing.]

At any rate he seems intent on working with me, and I can't see that hurting much of anything. I'm not one to refuse help in circumstances this dire, so try to cooperate with him.

[Pausing to think for a second, Waver rolled his eyes with an amused laugh that sounded a little derisive.]

Can you imagine? A world where I'm capable of falling in love with someone...now that might just be the first thing I've had legitimate trouble believing. It's absurd, right?

Edited (i accidentally a word) 2013-09-17 12:16 (UTC)

[Something squeezes painfully in Diarmuid's chest at those words. His eyes narrow angrily, though he's not sure if he is angry at himself or Waver.]

What is so absurd about it? Just because you spent ten years separating yourself from people doesn't mean you aren't capable of falling in love! I questioned it the first time you said that and I question it now. Love is not something so easily controlled!

[He stops himself, suddenly embarrassed by how forceful he's being. Still, this is something he feels strongly about.]

You might not recognize it now. Love is like that, but when the time is right, I am sure you will know...

Besides, everyone deserves the chance to know love. It's a wonderful feeling, painful moments and all.

[Waver had been trying to laugh off an awkward subject, so Diarmuid's forceful insistence genuinely caught him off guard.]

...I know it's not going to happen. [He shrugged, turning away to hide a conflicted expression under the pretense of measuring everything else they were going to need.] I'm not the type to go chasing after some nonsensical sentiment. Certainly not when I have more important matters to devote my attention to, both here and in the Clock Tower.

Besides that, even if I did care enough about such a sentiment to make an attempt, I highly doubt I would be much of a worthwhile partner. So there's really no point in contemplating the hypothetical of whether or not I can or should experience it.

Edited (I CAN'T SPELL EITHER) 2013-09-17 21:17 (UTC)

[Diarmuid shakes his head, stepping up behind Waver when he turns away and tilting his head down so he can whisper into the man's ear.]

You're wrong.

[He stands there a moment longer before stepping away and leaning against the counter next to his friend so he can look him in the eyes.]

There are a lot of things I believe about you that you don't believe about yourself. I will just add those things to the list. You are already an excellent partner to me. I don't know why you think you would be such a bad partner to a lover. And I hate to tell you, but love doesn't have to be chased. Often, it does the chasing itself...

[His eyes drop to the mixing bowl, and his face colors as something suddenly crosses his mind. Whatever the thought is, it makes him fall silent leaving anything else he might have been about to say unsaid.]

[Stare fixed on the counter and focused on what he was doing, Waver's initial reaction was only to turn a light shade of red as well. What was he even saying? What kind of absurd blind loyalty was this, to outright deny how screwed in the head Waver really was?]

[He looked up and made an attempt to respond, only to be stopped by Diarmuid's own apparent embarrassment.]

I--...what's that look for?

N-nothing...

[His blush darkens. Diarmuid knows far too well how it feels to have love chase him and maybe he shouldn't be wishing for something like that to happen to Waver, but sometimes he wonders if...

He shakes his head, pushing away his confused thoughts.]

I just hate the idea of someone I care about so much missing out on something so important in life. That and...

[Diarmuid finally looks up at Waver again.]

...I don't want to hear you putting yourself down anymore than you want to hear me doing it, you know.

...Fine, you have a point in that case. [Trying to dismiss the lingering and unwelcome color in his face through willpower alone, Waver merely shrugged. There was no arguing a point like that. Waver hated hearing Diarmuid speak poorly of himself, so the reverse would likely be logically true as well.]

But is that really all that's bothering you? You look a little more embarrassed than I'd say would be normally warranted even for this kind of conversation.

I'm just...confused about a few things. I'm not really sure how to explain them. They are far from logical.

[Diarmuid shuts his eyes a moment, desperately trying to clear his head.]

It's just all this talk about love and Karna and his Waver has me thinking about some things...and I'm not even sure why.

[Logic. Why he keeps trying to make his emotions be logical when he knows it won't happen is beyond Diarmuid, but he's trying anyway.]

...I'm not sure I'm following.

[waver for christ's sake]

What exactly is it that's bothering you? You're not still jealous, are you?

N-no...it's not that. I just...

[Diarmuid takes a deep breath. How does he begin to explain what is running around in his head when he's not even sure he knows what it means himself? Diarmuid just knows that as he had been talking before it struck him that he knows what it is like to be chased by love. It's not always good, and he doesn't want to do that to Waver. Not if the man truly doesn't want it. However, Diarmuid's love for Waver is just as family. He had said as much the night of the Resistance Ball several months ago.

Has...something changed without him realizing it?]

Why are you so sure you can't love? What proof do you have? After all, he very obviously must love Karna. Why couldn't you love someone if you found the right person?

[Is he really afraid of loving Waver in a way other than as family and the other man not being able to do it back? But what does it matter as long as he is able to keep serving him? Isn't that the real important thing here?]

I...I don't know. This doesn't seem the sort of thing one can simply theorize about as though it's some kind of academic study--maybe that's part of the problem. I can break down nearly any situation into matters of evidence, hypothesis, and eventual conclusion, but there's no way I can do that with something like this.

[He leaned back against the counter and folded his arms, frowning in self-directed annoyance.]

And that might just be the most stupidly cliche concept that I've ever given voice to. [Scowling, Waver continued in an uncertain voice.]

I'm not some kind of heartless sociopath, I know damn well I can experience a normal range of emotions. But that one specifically--I just think if it was going to happen, it would have by now.

Why do you think that? Love doesn't exist on a timetable. If would be more logical if it did, of course, but isn't that where we are running into trouble? Trying to apply logic to this?

[Diarmuid gives Waver a gentle smile.]

Now it is my turn to say something cliched, but considering no one can agree on what love really is and how it feels, how do you know you're not already feeling it and just don't know? I mean, there are things people say all the time that signal love--like never wanting to be away from someone or being able to only share your real self with them--but that still changes from person to person...

[He pauses for a moment, seeming frustrated. It feels like he's just dancing around his point, but he's really not sure how else to say it.]

I guess I just don't want you to sell yourself short. I am sure it will find you someday...and whenever it does the person you love will be very blessed.

[And the twisting pain Diarmuid feels when he speaks of another person loving Waver besides him just confuses him more, so he falls silent.]

[Waver quickly turned away again in an attempt to hide the confusion that broke out across his face. Though he tried to resume the simple task of baking they had started what seemed like endless hours ago, his mind was racing at a speed that left the rest of him working on autopilot.]

[That did indeed sound like the standard cliches that associated the concept of being in love. But if that really was more than literary creation (which stood to reason, otherwise why would people write about it since the invention of writing?) then...what? What did that actually mean for him?]

[Hadn't there been someone like that this whole time? Someone whose absence ached like a knife to the chest? More than that, someone that had only ever known 'Waver Velvet' and not whatever he'd become in the past decade?]

[No. This was ridiculous. This couldn't be right at all. Waver couldn't possibly afford to feel like this towards anyone. It was exactly this kind of emotion that was weakness for any normal mage, much less a lord in any capacity. That much still held true even in a place where his title was meaningless. Waver couldn't feel like this whether due to circumstance or emotional capacity, and so he didn't.]

I--

[...'Shouldn't' was perhaps the better word. The fact that there were signs that he was doing something both irrational and highly improbable, had apparently sent the lecturer's genius mind into a short-circuit. Worse than the confused uncertainty and logical meltdown, there was something very like fear creeping into his mind. Fear of what, he didn't know. Rejection? The unknown itself? Fear of not knowing what the fuck he was supposed to be afraid of?]

[Having descended into staring at nothing with a bewildered expression, Waver didn't notice his grip on an egg was gradually tightening and leaving its shell seconds from losing all structural integrity.]

Edited (nope i wasn't done apparently) 2013-09-18 04:14 (UTC)

[Diarmuid remains quiet as Waver tries to order his thoughts. He's not surprised at the confusion that flashes across his friend's face. This whole thing with Karna is making them think about a lot of things that they hadn't every thought about before and certainly not like...that. The things they did when they were together, they did naturally. When they talked about things, they talked about them. Nothing was planned. Nothing really even thought about. It just happened.

But...that is another one of love's cliches, isn't it? It just happens sometimes when you least expect it. Is that what Waver is trying so hard to puzzle out? And if so, is he having any better luck figuring things out than Diarmuid is?

It's when he notices Waver's hand tightening on the egg that Diarmuid finally moves from where he's sitting and gently wraps his hand around Waver's trying to get him to loosen his hold.]

You're going to break it.

[His words are soft, head angled toward Waver's ear so that his friend shouldn't have any trouble hearing him despite that.]

You are as confused as I am, right? We both have a person we feel like that about, but...it is suppose to be a different kind of love. I..don't understand. In the Ballroom, I said...

[The confusion is clear in his voice. Diarmuid's not trying to hide it now.]

But now, I just keep worrying that if you really can't feel love or don't want to, will I hurt you if I keep chasing? I don't want anything to change how we are. I'm so happy being at your side and fighting with you...

I-...Diarmuid, I can't.[He spoke firmly as though trying to convince one or both of them of that, voice unsteady and shoulders carrying a slight tremble. At the same time--would he sound so confused and frantic if he was certain that he couldn't? Whatever this emotion could be properly defined as, it was clearly something rather than a lack of something.]

You shouldn't-...just...

[Waver finally shook his head, stepping away to put some small amount of distance between them physically and metaphorically. That was how he dealt with situations like this, and it was likely the first time he'd closed himself off to his trusted friend.]

This is no time or place to exchange overdramatic confessions. We only have so many months left, and pursuing some kind of relationship would waste what time we do have.[Arms crossed, Waver set himself into a rigid and unfaltering posture, conveying a severity that seemed almost practiced in nature.]

If you're set on doing this, find someone that actually deserves you. Someone that isn't me. Any number of people would suit you far better than I could.

[He didn't know how else to react. For a moment he'd been about to break utterly and say any number of absurd things; instead he'd turned to the cold demeanor of a magus that was and wasn't Waver himself. Even though it killed part of him to do it...maybe it was better that way. Hurt him now to spare him later, right? If Waver had gone along with this...it would just have been a disaster and a distraction from what he really needed to do.]

We should just f-... [Waver's voice very nearly lost the sharp edge as he attempted to conclude what he was saying, but Waver hesitantly forced his sentence to completion.] ...forget about this conversation now rather than have it end badly later.

Are you of all people actually suggesting we not try something? That we give up on something that means so much because we are scared?

[Did it hurt to see Waver close himself off? Yes, but perhaps not as much as it might have in a different situation, because Diarmuid knows Waver. He knows those tells. He knows.

And even if it does end badly, he's not going to let Waver lie to himself.]

There is no one I deserve more than you. There is no one I want more than you and this is the perfect place to work this out because who knows if there will be another! We talked about this. We can be as optimistic as we want but we don't know if we will be able to pull it off or not. If we only have these months left, what is wrong with letting the strongest of bonds and emotions be what drive us to succeed?

[Though his voice is shaking, it's tone is confident.]

We do everything together, Waver. Why can't we explore this new ground too? Maybe it will fail. Maybe it won't. Maybe we are both just confused and afraid because of everything that is happening, but...I want to sort it out with you. Please...don't push me away. I...I don't want you to be alone again...

[Here, the confidence in his voice cracks.]

If you really, really don't want this, I will let it go. I will say no more, but I don't think it is what you want. Please, I beg you. If you must lie to me then do it, but don't lie to yourself. Don't let Lord El-Melloi II take this from Waver Velvet. Please...

You're wrong. You're wrong and you have terrible taste. There must be a dozen other people here better suited for you than me.

[Waver scowled, knowing he'd already lost whatever coping mechanism or metaphorical defense he'd separated them with. His arms fell to his sides, though Waver's demeanor retained as much of that distance as he could manage.]

And we can't because there's not nearly enough time for it. Focusing on the emotional aspect of matters leaves us susceptible to mistakes. We can't even begin to afford to make any missteps.

[He looked away at Diarmuid's last few statements, frustrated. This wasn't right. Logic should have prevailed over something as unpredictable as the apprehension that settled in his chest like a several-ton rock.]

...I'm not lying. We are short on time. It would be reckless to divert much of our attention to something like this. [Waver's hands curled into fists as he pushed a indescribable sentiment back further; that strong feeling that made him want to say all kinds of things he'd regret.]

[Of course he wouldn't lie. But that didn't mean he'd tell the whole truth.]

I don't want other people, Waver. I want you! Why can't you understand that? Whether you believe it or not, you are the best friend, master, and partner I have ever had. Why would you want me to have less than the best?

[At first, Diarmuid had allowed Waver his distance. He doesn't want his friend to shut down on him completely after all, which is a real possibility considering how much of the last ten years Waver has had to spend doing just that--hiding his true wants and needs, shoving his weaknesses away so no one can use them against him.

But Diarmuid is someone who craves that closeness. After so strictly restricting himself during his first life because of his curse and his time in the war because of duty, now that he has been convinced it's okay for him to want this, all he wants to do is give comfort and, yes receive it as well, though that closeness. That is why he finally closes the distance between them, putting his hands on Waver's shoulders and leaning his forehead against the other man's in a gesture they have done many times, but one Waver can pull away from if he really needs to.]

Not only that...

[His voice is softer now.]

I want you to forget all of this. All we have to do here and all we have to do once we go back home. Just for a moment, forget everything but what Waver Velvet really wants, what he would die to have if he could have anything and not have to worry about other factors influencing his decisions for once.

Nothing has to change Waver. We have felt this way for a while about each other and it's not influenced our work so far. It's just Karna arriving that has forced us to look at things in a new light. What happens will happen with only one difference. We are now aware of what we are feeling and this damned placed won't be able and take that and spring it on us at the worst possible time imaginable. Because, you know it would. You know it!

Let our bond be our strength. It always has been. Don't be afraid of it. Don't be afraid...of me...

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Someone reboot Waver...or wait until after this tag. I don't think it's going to help...

that egg is not the broken thing here tbh

Poor poor Waver...

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