animus_network | [video/action]

[Now this is unusual--the blonde man is on camera! Although it should be easy to figure out that whatever extenuating circumstances have driven him to this were not kind; unkempt, unshaven, blue eyes dead and glistening with tears, his appearance screams of a man in mourning who hasn't left his room for almost a week. And this is, indeed, the case.]

[A text apology would be the path of least resistance, but the last time he tried that people got angry at him, and he's sure that they're all angry enough with him as it is. He wants them to see how sorry he is, even if he's feeling too miserable to leave the first floor dorms. It's about all he can manage.]

[...If even that. Cameras have never agreed with Rick, and as he opens his mouth to try and speak, he realizes that they're certainly not going to be friendly with him now.]

--I-I--A-A-Ah--

[He closes his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut. Don't think about the fact that you're being filmed. Don't think about how everyone checking the terminals can watch your red face blubbering about your horrible mistakes. Which they are already judging you viciously for, by the way. Just ignore that for a minute. Right.]

...S-Some...s-s-s-something-- [Rick grinds on that first syllable a few more times through his teeth, falters, gives up.] --I-I m-m-mean--l-last--th--there--th--u-um--

[He can't do this. Rick swipes off his glasses and buries his face in his hand, taking several deep, long breaths. When he speaks again, his words are still muffled in his palm.]

...I-I've m-made...a m-m-mistake...

[The blonde man sits in front of the terminal for some time thereafter, as if he's going to try and continue, but when the words don't come he quickly reaches over and turns off the feed.]

[He doesn't stay to look at replies to his post--the idea of other people commenting on that embarrassing display almost makes him sick. Instead, he stumbles back to his quiet, dark room on the first floor and curls up in his bed.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

They poisoned you? I'm so sorry they put you through that.

Yeah. I didn't even realize what had happened at first - like I said, I figured it was a Tower thing. I'm okay now, though. I'm pretty sure it was only meant to incapacitate me enough so I wouldn't fight back...

I understand...it's distressing when you can't tell apart Tower dangers from dangers caused by the people living in it.

[Bitter? I don't know what you're talking about.]

And sometimes, one just makes the other worse.

[Nope. No bitterness here, either.]

[...And then Rick takes that entirely the wrong way. Gomen, Yukiko.]

...You're right. I can't believe I let my feelings get away from me like that. I'm so sorry.

...wait. You don't need to apologize to me. I didn't mean it to mean you. I meant the people here who take advantage of a bad situation and make it worse. You're definitely not doing that.

I'm sorry for my awkward wording.

[Too late! The damage has been done.]

I understand, but...losing my temper doesn't make me any better than they are. It only proves the point that they were trying to make by forcing us to fight on another.

...Maybe they're right.

[That's gonna get a switch to video.]

Losing your temper doesn't make you like those jerks. It means you're human.

That wasn't the first time I've been put in a situation where I had to fight my friends. I've done it before, and it was awful. The thing is the intent behind it. I wasn't doing it to hurt them; it was because I was put into a bad situation.

Bad situations don't make us villains. They aren't right about anything. They're just a bunch of jerks who want to make us think that when it isn't true.

[Rick does not have that kind of luxury--he's already tried.]

This has happened to me once before, too--months ago. I was possessed and I hurt a lot of people. But at least then it wasn't me who was saying all of those hurtful things, even if I still felt horrible for it later because I was being used to say them.

In this case...true, I was forced to fight people that I didn't want to...but everything I said was from me. I realize this now...it's all true. I've lied to so many people and I'm ashamed.

They still manipulated you into saying those things this time. It's never okay for someone to do that. Those thoughts might have come from you, the words might have come from you, but it doesn't mean it was okay for you to get pushed into saying them.

We're all ashamed of our feelings sometimes. I'm not proud of what I said, either. It doesn't mean...

...I'm repeating myself, but that's because it's true. Everyone has those feelings on some level. Beating yourself up because someone forced them out of you, though? That doesn't accomplish anything, and it only hurts you more.

But they at least have the sense to admit them. So many horrible things have happened since I got here, and I knew there wasn't anything that I could do to stop or help, but I kept promising people that I would. And I can't. I've broken my promise, and now everyone knows it.

You haven't meant to hurt anyone. You haven't meant to lose control.

That's the thing: people understand promises being broken because they're out of people's control. They understand a lot better than you're giving them credit for.

Please stop beating yourself up over this...

That doesn't change the fact that I have. I can't stop

[In too much pain to continue, the message cuts off there as Rick forces himself away from the terminal.]

...yes, you can.

[She doesn't expect a response, but she has to try, at least, before shutting off her own end of the feed.]

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