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[au1] karkat vantas

♋ 007 || Text

SURPRISE, ITS YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD ASSHOLE WITH A SHINY PIECE OF INFORM8TION.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
THAT MEANS YOU.
YES YOU.
ALL OF YOU.

I AM TIRED OF DYING.
SO TIRED I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SIT HERE AND COME UP WITH A SUPER CONVOLUTED METAPHOR TO LET YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING TIRED I AM OF IT.
BUT SINCE I'M FORCED TO ENDURE IT TIME AND TIME AGAIN, I'M GONNA DO YOU ALL A BIG FUCKING FAVOR.
NO NEED TO THANK ME OR ANYTHING.
YOU CAN THANK ME BY FUCKING OFF TO THE ENCHANTED LAND THAT EXISTS IN CLOTHING STORAGE.
AND LEAVING ME ALONE.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT HAS TO DO WITH THAT HUGE BREECHBEAST THAT TORE THIS PLACE DOWN OR WHATEVER.
BUT I USUALLY GET AN HOUR OF THIS PARALYSIS SHIT WHENEVER SOMEONE GETS IT IN THEIR HEADS TO OFF ME.
WELL I GOT THE HOUR OF LAYING ON MY ASS DOING NOTHING.
BUT I WOKE UP A LITTLE BEFORE THAT?
DON'T ASK ME HOW, BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
SINCE I WAS DEAD AND EVERYTHING.
I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT, IT WASN'T FOR LONG, AND IT PROBABLY ISN'T EVEN RELEVANT, BUT I KNOW A FEW OF YOU LOSERS GET YOUR JOLLIES OUT OF TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF SHIT THAT HAPPENS AROUND HERE.
SO THERE YOU GO.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
ALLOW ME TO REMIND YOU OF THE "FUCKING OFF" CLAUSE THAT COMES WITH THIS INFORM8TION.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

How fucking dare you use your moirail like that?
Come and fucking find me, Vantas, I'll teach you how to treat your moirail right, asshole.

Edited 2012-08-24 07:07 (UTC)

FUCK YOU.
I'M NOT USING HER FOR ANYTHING, YOU SHITHEAD.
ITS CALLED NATURAL PROGRESSION OF CONFLICT.
LEARN IT.
LIVE BY IT.
I HAVE A FEELING YOU'RE GOING TO BE SEEING A LOT OF IT.

[NOW he's leaving.]

If you think I won't pop your fucking head like a goddamn ripe grape the moment I see you, just because you brought up Kan, you don't fucking know me.
Which shouldn't surprise me, really, that's just how you are.
You were warned, you are being warned, right now, and let's hope you're as good following logical consequence as you are following logical progression of conflict.

So let me put it bluntly again, come any fucking near me again, Karkat Vantas, and I will shoot you.

Funny how you're good at asking to be left alone, but you fail so fucking utterly at understanding it when others do.

[Karkat doesn't answer again, and he spends a long time following the faint feeling of fury until it grows too strong for him to follow without giving him a headache. Lo and behold, he will turn the corner to find Eridan, but he doesn't approach.

He also takes a deep breath, preparing himself to be shot as best he can. As he rounds the corner, he focuses to take a quick sweep of his intentions, where he's aiming and as he predicted, this asshole isn't looking to outright murder him. He had figured that was the case, else Eridan would have already tried to hunt him down, probably with a few cronies in tow.

He's not getting out of this unscathed, but he can make it with his life, he thinks. So he waits, very obviously stiff with both determination...and a rigidness that suggests he knows what's coming.

Psychics, man.]

[The rifle rolls into his hand the moment he sees Karkat. It takes him half a quarter of a second longer than his usual, to snap the gun up and shoot, aiming almost without looking. But he did look, because Karkat was right, he didn't want to shoot him. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he's reached the point where he can't take being hurt anymore. And Karkat never listens, so Eridan will have to make him listen.

The shot whistles past Karkat's head, close enough the heat of the laser could be felt, but clearly not enough to actually hurt. Eridan doesn't lower the gun, just stares at Karkat pointedly, wordlessly waiting for him to leave.

Please go away, he thinks, but unlike other times, it's not fear twisted savagely around the thought. He's tired and wary and still trying to keep a lid on the rolling unpleasantness napping at the bottom of his pan. He knows, he knows it's going to come out screeching if Karkat doesn't go away. The hurt and the pain and the urge to lash out and give back a measure of what he's got. Even out the score.]

[He jumps -- how can he not? That thing was inches from his face. But he missed. On purpose.]

Didn't think so.

[Karkat approaches, still prepared to be shot, but he's a little more focused in Eridan's head now -- not on controling him just trying to predict what he's going to decide, whether to land a hit, fire another warning or not fire at all. All the while, he feels the stirring beast that's lurking in Eridan's head, but he pointedly ignores it. That's not a place he's going again.

Unless Eridan disables him before he gets there, he will stop a good distance away -- close enough that he doesn't have to shout to be heard.]

I did the whole killing people thing, Eridan. Its not as much of a stress reliever as they want you to believe.

[Eridan growled, lips pulling back into a snarl without much conscious thought. He didn't want to hurt anyone, much less kill someone else. He's never killed anyone, and he knows, instinctively, that he's not going to like the way it'll change him, if he does. But he's tired and angry, and so pointedly tired of and angry at Karkat, that he can't help but entertain the thought a little.]

Only someone as monumentally stupid as you, would think of killing as a stress reliever, Vantas.

[And of course he would, why wouldn't he? He's Karkat fucking Vantas. He's always had everything he wants, he's always been in control of everything. Of course the lives of others would be nothing more than tools to someone like him. Eridan felt a pang of disgust at the thought, which slowly rouses the thing in his head. In his lucid moments, he desperately tries to separate himself from it. To put a distance and remind himself that's not him, even though he knows that's a lie and that every bit of nasty, bloodthirsty, violent yearning is his.]

For the love of fuck, just go away.

Save it, Eridan. You don't need to convince anyone, let alone you or me, that I'm a piece of shit. Its not news.

[He's pushing it -- nothing about this is a good idea. But he has to try. Everyone is coming apart at the seams, including him, and if trolls keep losing themselves like he had lost himself last month, nothing would ever change. They couldn't get away from it with death, seven shots at it had drilled that thought firmly into his head.

And now he had to try and get Eridan to let go of...whatever it was that was making him act like this.]

You're armed, I'm not -- not that I need to be, but that's beside the point. The point being that I'm here for words. You and I are going to settle this, without second parties. Just you and me.

[He folds his arms across his chest, because he needs to in order to keep his hands from shaking. He's not necessarily scared of Eridan (maybe his weapon) but he needs to do this properly. He was the damn romanculator for fuck's sake. This should've been a piece of cake.

He's also aware that his next question is likely going to earn a pull of the trigger, so he keeps an eye on a spot between Eridan's eyes.]

Is this about Feferi?

[For a moment, there was silence. Deep, stupefied silence. Eridan loosened his grip on his gun as he stared at Karkat, somewhat taken aback.]

What.

Did I fucking stutter? Pay attention. What was difficult about what I just asked?

Shut up, Vantas.

[Eridan twitched. It was a full twitch, of his entire body. And his entire mind. His irritation with Karkat bled into the anger and came back a little more forceful than natural. It made Eridan grind his teeth in an attempt to calm himself down.]

We don't have anything to settle. You're an asshole. I'm a loser. You leave me the fuck alone, and I'll leave you the fuck alone. That's it.

You didn't answer my question. You dodged it. Again.

[He's not getting angry. He refuses to get angry. He's in perfect control. Actually, despite all of his caps in text, he's really not an overtly angry guy. Anger is Kanaya's thing. The Tower just brought it out more than he would frankly appreciate. He can't be angry here, as much as Eridan is making him want to roll his eyes.

He has a gun. That's not the kind of guy you roll your eyes at, telepathy or not.]

I don't make a habit of this, and I'm not going to make a habit of it, but like it or not I'm very much aware when someone has unfinished business.

[Or is about to go off the deep end. That too. But he's not saying that.]

You've got a chance to finish it here. Preferably without the gun.

What fucking question? We're already done. What the fuck do you want from me?

[The frustration was stirring him up and it was stirring up things he didn't need to deal with right now. Yes, he was getting angry, of course. But hot on the heels of that was the hurt and the bitterness and the betrayal. It was such a small thing, really, in the great scale of things. Out of everything that had been done to him, what Karkat had done was laughably inoffensive, but it still cut deep, because Eridan had cared, then. He'd cared about Karkat more than a friend, he'd admired him, in the way one would someone who's infinitely better than themselves. Because he was the amalgamation of everything Eridan would never be, and he'd been okay with that. Until then.

He ground his teeth together so hard his jaw hurt.]

Walk away, Karkat. Now.

I want you to quit being a wriggler and tell me what your problem is. Are you really that thick? I'm not going anywhere, so don't waste your breath.

[He was going to end up dead, he could feel it, and a good part of him wants to move away and move away fast. He really doesn't want to die again. But this is important. He'd already let it sit for too long. Maybe that's why he was freaking out now.]

Look, Eridan. You don't like me. I get it. Nobody likes me. I'm not a likable guy, I'm not supposed to be, I have a job to do just like you do. You are currently in my job description, and I'm not fucking talking about concupiscent shit right now. I'm talking about you, and the fact that you're losing it. I don't need to be a mind reader to know that.

[He takes a breath and lets his arms unfold, closing his eyes. When they open again, he's much less standoffish and a lot more tired. No more beating around the bush.

He needs to just say it.]

You got a lot of doomed selves and a lot of dead friends. I get that. I get it. You're a time player. I'm a heart player. So work with me here and let me help you for a change.

[You can almost hear his teeth, sliding against one another, tense and painful and not helping in the least. He didn't need this. He didn't want this.]

I'm not your chore. The game is over, move the fuck on.

Stop twisting my words when I'm actually making an effort for a change.

[Its a command, sharp -- sharper than he wants it to be, and he's immediately kicking himself for it. He closes his eyes, silently admonishes himself and opens them again.

He couldn't move on. He relived his murder at Feferi's hands twice here at the Tower already. He wasn't allowed to move on. But there was no point in harping on that -- he really doesn't want to talk about himself today. Not with Eridan.]

Is that what you're doing? Moving on?

I can't.

[Eridan snapped back almost without thinking, bitterness poisoning the depths of his voice as he said so.]

You don't get it, do you. You don't get it.

So fucking help me, Eridan! Jesus Tapdancing Christ.

[He gestures wildly out of frustration. He gets the bitterness in his tone like a slap in the face, and it only fuels him. He gets the feelings, he gets what's driving Eridan, but not the why, because he refuses to trad in Eridan's mind again after what had happened with Minato.]

If I fucking got it, whatever the fuck the mysterious "it" is, I wouldn't be here!

Edited 2012-08-24 09:19 (UTC)

[He wants to tell. Part of him wants oh so dearly to tell. It's the thing that has been eating him inside, since he first got here. He's learned to ignore it, a little, but it hasn't gone away. It's still there, weighting him down when he stops to think about it for too long. He wants to tell, he wants someone to understand.

But the only one who understood was Fef. And she was gone. And the only thing Karkat had done to him was hurt him, and he was tired of hurting. He was tired of everything.]

You won't.

[No one did. No one would. Maybe Gamzee, if anyone. But no one else. No one trusted him, no one listened.]

You never do.

[His voice was hollow at that, tired. His grip on the gun tightened again, and he didn't remember when he'd lowered his arm, but he tensed it, considering. He'd given him a warning, he'd told him off, he should just--]

Only because you won't let me.

[This is exhausting. He's a pacifier by nature, but not to the point of pale infidelity. That's not what he's going for here anyway. Its totally platonic counciling, a little (ok a lot) less flirtatious than what he used to do back on Alternia. Only now, lives could have depended on it.

He feels him tense again, and it almost makes him react -- but he doesn't. Have to stay focused.]

You hate me. I know you do. Its not a secret. I don't care. Its not about me. Its so beyond being about me, but like it or not, we're still all stuck in this shithole together. The game we were playing is over, but we're playing a new one now. Its called Tower Wonderfuck of Torture and Merriment.

So if you're not going to let go of it for yourself or for me, then do it for someone else.

[He wasn't going to name names. He couldn't, in good conscious, use Feferi as an example here. Or even Kanaya, he'd already involved her more than he cared to just by coming out here. He had no idea how he and Equius were these days, simply because he had been so wrapped up in everything else going on.

Jade was here, but fuck the humans and everything they stood for.]

Edited 2012-08-24 09:34 (UTC)

I don't--

[Eridan's mutter got drowned out by Karkat's words. I don't hate you, you asshole, it wouldn't hurt if I did. But before he could splutter a proper reply, Karkat hit the nail in the head. He didn't hit it so much as hammered it, and Eridan was seized by rage. The sound of his sanity snapping again echoes in the abrupt quiet of his mind, and he doesn't break down as much as melt into it.

He lunges, forgetting entirely to shoot, then three steps away from Karkat, he vanishes only to reappear at the side, knocking the smaller troll to the ground as his hands aim for his throat.]

Don't you fucking dare. Don't you fucking dare ask more of me.

[The sunglasses are askew from his tackle, letting Karkat see the sheer, manic wrath boiling in his veins. He sinks his claws, teeth bared dangerously and rifle nowhere to be seen.]

I'm done with you. I'm done with all of you.

[God damn heroes of time. He feels the break and he instantly is aware that he's figured out the problem. His face contorts to a look of "oh shit" seconds before Eridan flashsteps and pins him to the floor.

No rifle though. He can control pressure on his neck, if that's what it comes to. This arrangement, he can deal with. Eridan's a little too insane to notice he's not struggling, he thinks, but he stays perfectly still anyway, save for two hands reaching up to grab his wrists, more to keep him in place than to force him off.]

Are you? For what? So you can sit alone and rip at your fucking shell until you bleed out so you can do it again tomorrow?

[He squirms a bit, trying to get some of his airways free so it wasn't so difficult to talk.]

I never asked anything of you, shithead. Not before today.

Edited 2012-08-24 09:49 (UTC)

You never ask. You never fucking ask. You take and demand and assume and you fucking rape my mind, you grubfucking shit. That's all you know how to do.

[He tightened his grip again, feeling his claws digging into skin. Somewhere, lost in the screaming in his mind, Eridan tried to stop himself from doing or saying something he'd regret. The grip loosens, just a little, just enough.]

But it's my fault, not yours. Always my fucking fault. I tried to do it right, Kar, I really did. I didn't care how many times I died, it was just a side-effect, they were just doomed anyway. I can die and die and die and it'd be okay. But then I had to explain it to them. I had to tell them I'd chosen all of you instead of all of them. I had to. I was supposed to. You didn't have to ask, you never have to. I couldn't let you die, not after we figured out. We were okay with dying, we just wanted you to be okay. We had to stop the King, and no one listened because it was us, because we don't matter, we had to figure out but only she listened and by then there wasn't anything else to do.

[The claws sink in again, and his grip on Karkat's throat tightens as he starts shaking.]

You never asked. No one ever asked. Why didn't the Black King Scream? It screamed. It screamed all the time. It killed us all. But no one asked. No one noticed. It's our job, no one notices us when we die, that's what we're there for. Cull us all, bleed us dry. We'll just come back. Go back and start again. Go back and get it right.

[He shook Karkat a little, then let him go entirely, sitting on him, staring at something that wasn't him. Just the memory of her was enough to subdue the violence a little, to lull it back into a murmur.]

No one ever asked us. Do you want to die for us, Eridan? Do you want to bleed yourself dry for us, Eridan? Why should they ask. No one ever asks, that's just what we're there for. We die and we bleed and then She asked. Are you going to stop me, Eridan? And we didn't. We knew. We knew. We didn't stop her because you didn't ask. No one asked us. Make the choice, Eridan. So we chose and we lived instead of dying and we were so selfish, we wanted to see if not dying worked better than dying.

[His hands, perhaps on habit from his usual reaction to these fits, perhaps remembering what he was talking about, took to his shoulders. And then they dug in and tore down his arms, pressing on the cloth, tearing viciously at it. He wanted to tear into flesh and make it bleed cerulean, not jade. He wanted it so bad, and he fought back so hard...]

Don't ask of me. Don't ask of me. We died for you. We lived for you. We're nothing. We have nothing and feel nothing and want nothing and got nothing. Don't you fucking dare ask of me. We don't have anything left to give.

Edited 2012-08-24 10:38 (UTC)

[Wow that was.

A lot worse than he expected.

He gasps sharply, not because of the way Eridan grabbed him, but because his empathy goes on override. Cool, collected Karkat loses his composure for a second, both eyes going wide. His grip on the jade's wrists tighten for a second, then relax when he's overwhelmed. He doesn't hear all of Eridan's explanation clearly, but then again he doesn't need to. Not with his stupid cerulean blood and his equally damnable role.

He's shaken, and it pulls him out of his feelings fit, leaving him staring a bit blankly at the troll on top of him.]

You honestly think that.

[Its not an accusation, but a realization -- a sad realization, if his tone is anything to judge by. If he were a weaker troll, he might have cried. But he's not. He's Karkat Vantas, and he's used to these sob stories, used to not being able to cry and having to keep shoving people out of the way. Its just never hit quite so close to home before.

This was still Eridan Ampora. Even if he was a little shit, they were still supposed to be friends.]

You honestly think that nobody gave a shit. Eridan, you stupid motherfucker...

[The insult comes out before he can stop it -- he can't help it, he insults even those he cares about the most, though Eridan doesn't quite fit that category at the moment.]

We didn't ask? No, of course we didn't! How were we meant to ask, when you ran off to be a hero at all hours of the day? We never saw you, we all had our own jobs to do just like you had your's. Maybe its nice to be asked, but its nice to make a god damn choice for yourself, isn't it?

[Eridan would know -- he's personally made sure than Eridan knows what its like to actively be incapable of choosing for himself how to move or act, simply by his nature of being a psychic. The Tower did it every day. Sgrub might have seemed like hell, but it was nothing compared to this place, in Karkat's mind.

He has a very sinking feeling he's not going to make headway here. Eridan's mind is made up. But he has to try.]

You're right. I didn't ask -- maybe I should have, but I didn't. Its not my thing, typically. I look, I find what I need, I make it happen. Simple. Go for the source. But I didn't this time.

[He's quick to make that point.]

There's nothing left to ask, aside from what I asked you earlier. We're irrevocably fucked. We all know it now.

[And then he brings up Feferi. Feferi, the topic he had been trying really hard to avoid, simply because he really didn't want that can of worms open, less for Eridan and more for himself. He doesn't like Feferi, doesn't think he'll ever be capable of trusting her as a friend again--

Was that how Eridan felt about him?]

...you knew she was going to kill us.

[He lets his hands fall to the ground. Betrayal. Right. He knows that feeling. Everything else that Eridan had been shoving on him, he had missed it. But then he remembers Feferi, and how he feels about her and suddenly it makes sense. Eridan doesn't trust him -- why should he?

This was never going to work, he realized. After listening to everything, he understood that Eridan was too ingrained in what he believed to consider changing his thought process. And yet, its hard to care now, because Eridan knew. He knew they were all going to die at Feferi's hand, and that had been when he decided to give up.

It was cruel irony. Painful irony that he didn't want to think about.]

Then what do you want? To be alone? Do you really think that's going to fucking help? Nobody wanted you to die, you shithead, nobody wanted anyone to die! You're making stupid assumptions. We were all friends, Eridan. This self-sacrificing thing has to fucking stop.

[He swallowed.]

But I'm not going to make you. I'm not going to ask you. I'm just going to tell you. For your mental health, whatever is left of it, and for whatever you might care about that's left here, it has to stop.

[He needs an outlet -- does he have one? He doesn't really know, and he's not sure he wants to go poking around trying to find out if he does. The bruising on his neck where Eridan's claws had been digging tells him no, he doesn't, but his head tells him that there's no way he could be keeping a tight lid on this without someone to talk to.

Feferi isn't here -- who could it be?]

Eridan, listen to me. This isn't you -- and you can argue that point all you want, but you're not a murderer. A killer, maybe. Fuck, aren't we all? But you're not a murderer. And if you don't slow your roll, sooner or later, you're gonna hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.

I probably deserve it, but that's beside the point.

[He laughed then, and it was the heart and soul of misery.]

Of course I fucking knew, I was the first one she killed.

[He remembers, with the unnatural clarity he remembers anything pertaining Feferi, being approached by her on Derse. He'd been thinking about going back LOCAS and take the plunge into godtier. Talking to himself, past and present and future, trying to see what would happen if he did. And then she was there.]

We didn't want to. You keep talking about her like she wanted to. Like it didn't kill her inside to do it. Why do you think she never killed anyone while she was here? If she hated you all so much, if she was such a fucking monster, why do you think she never killed anyone here? It wasn't that you were supposed to be our friends. You were. We had no Time to do anything else, the only mercy she could deliver you was to do it herself, rather than let Jack do it. We had no time and we were Doomed and even if by some miracle he didn't kill us, the timeline was already dissolving. Someone had to do something, so we did.

[But he hadn't wanted to. He'd trusted Feferi, but he had always known what it had looked like. He'd known. He'd known and he'd felt guilty even as he'd done it. And the guilt had nestled itself deep into his mind, anchoring easily to his self-deprecating personality and his penchant to blame himself for things. Well, here was the big one, and it was definitely his fault. He'd killed every single one of them, by standing aside and letting Feferi go.]

Who should have I told, Karkat? Who would have listened? Who could I trust, when no one trusted me?

[And that's the cornerstone of hatred in him. That after all he's done, all he's given up, no one even trusted him to tell the truth. No one listened.]

If we had told you what had to be done, if we'd wasted time explaining, would you have listened? Or would you have just said Feferi was crazy and I was going on with it because I was still in love with her? Who of you had enough energy left to push the fear aside and act reasonably? Aradia and Sollux, maybe. Captor, if we were lucky. Aradia listened to me, when I told her about Nep's lusus. But Aradia hated Feferi too much to be impartial there. And Sollux and Captor? How much precious time would be wasted waiting for them to bicker into an agreement? And even if they did, would the rest have listened? Would you have trusted us?

[The answer, to him, is a solid no.]

Everything was falling apart. Everyone was scared and tired and confused. If we'd done nothing, we would have died and vanished into nothing. Insignificant, worthless blips in the fabric of space and time. So we took our chances.

[His claws have not stopped moving yet, tearing through the sleeves and into skin. And now there are welts of jade bleeding down his arms. The pain is insignificant compared to the disaster that's his mind. But it keeps his hands occupied. Keeps them hurting someone, while at the same time no one will care about. What's another wound in the great scale of things.]

Of course none of you give a fuck. And you shouldn't, either. I betrayed you. I paid for it, but I still did it. You were my friends and I betrayed you. You didn't deserve to die that way. I'm not a murderer? I murdered every single one of you. And then I murdered everything left in the entire fucking universe, just for good measure, when I Scratched the fucking thing. Hurting people who don't deserve it is the only thing I do.

Edited 2012-08-24 17:56 (UTC)

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