animus_network | Once the Honeymoon is Over... [Video]

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Once the Honeymoon is Over... [Video]

[The face on the camera is tired, the look in Diarmuid's eyes making it clear that the source of his weariness isn't physical, but mental and emotional as it so often has been since he arrived here.]

Has anyone see my brother? Ah...you probaly know him better as Lancer. I know he is still in the tower because his belongings are here and his name is still on the door, but I cannot find him anywhere and I have looked. Those who know my skills know quickly I can do that.

I am worried because I just remembered something he said to Jason a while back. He said he would volunteer for his next experiement and since this is Jason's month in charge and so many others have gone missing, I fear for what that means for him.

If anyone has seen him in the last few days, will you please let me know?

[Diarmuid pauses a moment, suddenly looking a lot more uneasy.]

Also, I want to apologize to all the people who were affected by my curse about week ago or got caught up in everything that was going on. For those who don't know, I carry a curse that forces the women who see my face to fall in love with me. It has been mostly inactive in this place but for some reason during the end of March and the beginning of April it flared back to life affecting both men and women. Unfortunately, I have never been able to tell when it is active and when it is not so far too many people were affected before I knew what was going on.

I...do not know why this happened. It has gone inactive again and I think by this time all those affected should have had the effects wear off. If not, take the knowledge that your strange feelings are caused by something outside of you and focus on that...

[Suddenly, he turns away from the screen as if someone has tugged on his arm, which they have. When he speaks his voice is quieter and directed at whoever is standing just off camera.]

Tony, just a moment, okay? I will play with you then.

[Diarmuid turns back to the camera, quiet for a moment as if he is collecting his thoughts and then continues where he left off.]

Focusing on the fact that your feelings are not your own will help you overcome the effects sooner. It is not something that worked that well during my first life, but there is a very strong pattern of it working here...

[There is a sudden scuffling behind Diarmuid and he is yanked away from the camera. The scuffling continues as his voice drifts back toward the terminal.]

Tony! Tony wait! I'm not done...

Gah! Does anyone know how to stop an alien abduction?

==============================

(OOC: Diarmuid's responses will come a few hours later when he has given Tony the attention that the little gray alien seems to want so badly.)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

How useful. It most certainly saves you some time and effort and it is searching in a different manner than both Sir Lancelot and I have. We were searching by sight and presence. You are looking for a magical signature. Perhaps it will find something that we missed. Also, its senses might be much more limited than ours, but they are probably also less likely to be fooled.

Time, yes. But spreading myself that thin takes a lot of effort, I'm afraid. There's no way I can cover the whole Tower, and it's definitely not infallible. Between you and me, I'm not even sure how long I can keep this up for.

[Diarmuid's eyes narrow slightly.]

Please don't push yourself too hard. Is there something I can be doing to help? Please, I...

[His voice drops to almost inaudibility.]

...I can't lose you too. Not again so soon.

[Well, there goes his control over his emotions again...]

What--Diarmuid, calm down. I didn't mean it like that.

[Waver raised a hand to his head, though whether that was due to fatigue or exasperation was questionable.]

I know my limits, especially pertaining to magecraft. The worst that'll happen is I end up needing some rest.

Ah...right. Sorry.

[Diarmuid presses his hand against his forehead forcing himself to be calm again. It takes a few moments and several breaths before he lets his hand drop.]

I am going to be glad when I can get these emotions under control again. That break down did not help things.

Will it come back to you to tell you what it found when you call it?

It's fine. Just try not to panic over every little thing. I should be able to sense something if i-...

Hang on. Just how bad was this 'breakdown'?

Edited 2013-04-14 03:26 (UTC)

[Diarmuid's eyes drop to the side and he pales.]

Honestly? I can't say for sure because...

[His voice gets really soft. He hadn't wanted to tell Waver about this for fear that it would make the man feel worse, but since he has asked him straight out...]

...I don't remember anything from the time I stepped out of the room and saw your body until I woke up blood stained in bed the next morning. I know that Kariya is very upset with me, Lancelot is...as hard to read as always, but is at least trying to help me fix whatever I did to anger Kariya, and my brother is trying to hide something from what little I saw of him before he disappeared.

I...I have tried to make myself remember but doing so has almost made me physically ill more than once. Just talking about it now makes me sick to my stomach.

The best I can guess is that I broke like I broke so many months ago when Kayneth betrayed me. Of course, I remember every agonizing moment of that. This...I don't know why, but it is just gone.

Diarmuid...

[Waver sighed, pressing a hand to his forehead; this time it was definitely out of something like exasperation.]

I'm sorry. Look, don't think too much about it if it's that upsetting, alright?

It's not that easy!

[Diarmuid's arms wrap around himself.]

How would you feel if you were missing time during which something terrible happened that hurt some of the people closest to you? Knowing that you caused their pain, but not how? Waver, I was covered in blood! Even when I try not to think about it, my mind sometimes wanders there on its own. I'm just waiting for the nightmares to start...

Edited 2013-04-14 04:55 (UTC)

...Where are you? I think this is a conversation we should have in person.

Ah...I'm using the terminal on the second floor because I stopped by once I dropped Tony off. However, if you really want to talk, perhaps I should meet you in your room? Are you far from there?

I can be back there in a couple minutes. I'll meet you there, then?

[Diarmuid nods and then switches off the feed. Only a few shorts moments later, he is leaning against the wall next to the door to Waver's room. His arms are still wrapped around himself and he's staring off into nothing while he waits.]

[Waver walked up shortly after; without a word he put his arms around Diarmuid's shoulders and hugged him.]

[It seemed like he needed that at the very least; Waver silently cursed his inexperience at properly comforting people.]

[Waver has no idea how comforting the hug is. It makes Diarmuid feel safe and cared about, two feelings that he always seems to crave more of in this place.]

Forgive me for interrupting your day. I didn't want to tell you about the breakdown because I didn't want you to worry, but...

No, I wanted you to tell me. I...really have neglected to realize just how different things are. Maybe I didn't want to realize it because I knew I could never understand on any level what you must have gone through during your war.

That was stupid of me. Look, I'm basically an idiot that doesn't know shit about other people or their emotions, but I want you to tell me things like this. You shouldn't have to carry that sort of thing on your own.

[Diarmuid steps out of the hug and reaches out to cup Waver's face in his hand.]

I don't care if you are an idiot. You are my idiot. I am no good with serious emotions either if you hadn't noticed. If I were, I wouldn't be so messed up. However, the most of emotions I've had to deal with have been twisted so much that they tell me nothing about how I should deal with anything.

[He sighs, leaning his forehead against Waver's.]

Lets go inside and talk. I'll answer any questions you have. Who knows. Maybe talking about it instead of keeping it all instead will help me figure some things out.

Heh...between the two of us, maybe we'll be able to figure out this mess.

[Taking Lancer's hand in his own, Waver lightly pulled him into his dormitory room.]

Now--tell me what's happened to you. I want to know everything you're able to tell, so take a deep breath and try to start from the beginning.

[Diarmuid nods and follows him into the room, taking a seat on the bed.]

If you want me to start at the beginning, I should probably start back when I broke down the first time after my master betrayed me. When I realized what had happened something in me broke, and when I could think again I found I was already screaming, ranting at the world, cursing everyone who was anywhere nearby. Blood...blood was everywhere. And it was all mine. Coming from my eyes, coming...

[He stops to take a deep breath to steady his voice before continuing.]

It was like it was someone else was screaming with something that was barely my voice. I was there, but I couldn't control anything. I couldn't stop myself from saying those horrible things and the rage and hatred... It was so strong, so frightening to me. Swirling around me, drowning me, keeping me from being able to do anything about what was going on.

And then it was over and I was here, but that rage and hate that I had never felt before? That rage and hate that I had no idea how to control? It was still there and screaming for attention. Somehow I managed to push it back, but when I saw your body it all broke loose again...

[A confused, scared gaze meets Waver's.]

I don't know what happened. I saw your body and I felt something break. I felt that separation like what happened before start, but then everything is just gone. I don't remember anything else until I woke up covered in blood in the bed in my room. I don't know how I got there or even whose blood was on me. There was a lot on my face--I was probably crying blood again--but no amount of blood tears would be enough to account for all that was on me...

[He stops then, pressing a hand to his suddenly pale face. When Diarmuid finally speaks again, his voice is a lot shakier.]

I-I have to stop now. I'm starting to feel sick again. What happened? What did I do that is causing me to react so badly? What did I do?

...I don't know.

[Waver put his arms around Lancer's shoulders again, lightly running a hand through his hair.]

I'm sorry, Diarmuid. I didn't realize just how much you were suffering--no, I couldn't have even begun to guess at it. Just listen to me: even the best of us get angry. And someone like you, who was never anything but kind and patient? I'd be worried if you didn't have a breaking point.

[Diarmuid shakes his head. There is part of him that feels so ashamed right now that it wants to run--to get as far away from Waver as he can because he doesn't deserve the comfort the man's touch brings--but there is a bigger part of him that just wants to stay there and hide in the safety of his master's--his friend's--arms.]

It's not your fault for not noticing. Please don't blame yourself. You should remember how I like to hide things and try to make it look like I'm okay even if I'm falling apart inside.

Besides, a knight shouldn't feel those things. They are not like everyone else. They are suppose to be better--suppose to be the ones who give up those things so that others can feel them. But...we both know I'm not what I used to be. I have been trying to find out what I am now, but it's a long journey and things keep happening that make me second guess what I have decided.

[He pauses for a moment, and then adds quietly.]

Ah...but we are all the same here, aren't we? We are all technically dead, our souls taken and put into these false forms. Why can't I make myself believe that? It would make things so much easier...

Even a knight has to be human, Diarmuid. Any human would feel anger, hatred, and even sadness. You're much too kind a person to kill off all of that, even for the sake of others.

I haven't thought too hard about what we are in a technical sense. Dead or alive, we still have hearts and emotions. That's the part that really matters, isn't it?

[Diarmuid nods and sits back so he can look Waver in the face again.]

I know that is true. I just...I can't make myself believe it. Someone told me that people get into ruts and it is very hard to break them when they need to change their ways of acting or thinking. I am trying to break out of my ruts, but it's so hard and every time I think I'm getting somewhere it seems like I end up right back where I began.

[He shuts his eyes and sighs.]

I am human. That is all I need to be. If I could just break the rut that makes me think otherwise I think I would be taking a huge step forward.

Tell me how I can help you. Anything you need from me, you only have to ask--no matter what it is, I'll do it.

If I knew what I needed, I think things would be so much easier.

[Diarmuid opens his eyes and gives Waver a sad smile.]

Just keep doing what you are doing. You already help me more than you know. And if I ever need something more, I will be sure to say something.

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