eleven ♓ voice;

[cullscuttlefish]

[Feferi can't face the network, and she really can't face anyone she knows in person right now, so this is only voice. And it sounds tired, and defeated. It's clear she's been crying, a lot, and she just sounds broken - not angry, just broken.]

...I'm done.

I can't do it anymore. What is the fucking point, when my words are only going to be used as a weapon against us? If I can't trust people I love...and it's not even their fault. I know that it's not, but I...I can't handle this uncertainty. I could handle having my heart broken, but I...I can't handle this.

Congratulations, Jason. You wanted to find the exact point at which Feferi Peixes can't handle the shit that you throw at her anymore? Well, this is it. I'm done.

My lusus - my guardian, my mother, sort of - is here. Don't worry; she can't hurt anyone, not with me around. I'm going to be with her for a while. Don't come looking for me. I breathe underwater, she is underwater, and most of you couldn't get there anyway. I don't want those that can - assuming any of you can - trying. I don't want to talk. I just want -

[She starts to laugh, and then her laughs turn to sobs, which she has to calm before she can speak again.]

- you know, I found out a while ago that if I hadn't been brought here, I would have died roughly fifteen minutes after my last memory from home. Till now, I thought there was a point to fighting, because I didn't want that to be my end. But I just don't know anymore.

Comments

[cullscuttlefish]

It's not that I'm afraid. It's that I'm absolutely exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and it's not going to get any better. And without a support system to lean on - because I can't do that anymore, not if it's only going to hurt people in the long run - if only for a little while, I'm not gonna be able to get my shit together.

I'm just not that strong a person that I can keep taking hits and not buckle eventually.

If that disappoints you, I'm sorry. But I just kept taking hits, and eventually, one's gonna hit where it hurts.

[true_noir]

Disappointed? I don't think I know you well enough to be disappointed... No, no. I am curious more than anything. I am trapped here the same as you, but like you... nothing awaits me should I return. It is not that my world is destroyed. Who cares what lies they whisper to us in our sleep or implant in our minds.

I'm quite dead. I have no stake in the struggles, the fight. If 'we' win, I die, and oblivion awaits me, blissful eternal darkness.

All I have are my little games, my chances to watch. I'm just curious why you should allow it to stop you? That was not you, was not me...

[cullscuttlefish]

I'm one of the two last creatures like me that exist. There's me, and there's the Empress. I grew up believing it was my role to stop her - she's a tyrant, an oppressor - and change everything. Bring back some equality to the society, be kind and fair, let it be good.

Then the world ended. We had a chance to make it over again, and we failed. But I didn't give up hope, not even then. I wanted to think there would always be a little bit of light.

I didn't stop fighting for it, not even when I got here. I always thought there was something to fight for. And I'd have support for whatever I did, because I'd have my friends to back me up. But I don't feel like I have that anymore, because I don't know who to trust now.

I'm just tired. So tired. And there comes a point where you have to ask yourself if it's worth it.

I just don't know anymore.

[true_noir]

... really ... it sounds like you need to stop trying to save the universe for a week and attempt to rest.

It is not as if this tower from hell is going anywhere, now is it?

[cullscuttlefish]

That's exactly what I'm going to do. Go be with my lusus for a while. Try to figure some things out.

[true_noir]

mmm, perhaps I will call you when you return from your little sabbatical. You seem the ... sanest of your kind I've met.